Most of us know one person who always seems to make situations difficult and uncomfortable. However, pointing out that they are difficult and overly demanding will do no good, they are more likely than not seeing this as a problem. Whatever the cause that causes them to behave this way, a personality disorder or other underlying problem, you can learn proper ways to interact with difficult people and maintain your own sanity.
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Part 1 of 4: Dealing with Conflict
Step 1. Don't get defensive
Stay calm, and realize that you will never win an argument with a difficult person-he is said to be "difficult" for a specific reason. In a difficult person's mind, you are the problem, and nothing you say can convince him to hear your side of the story. He feels that your opinion is not important because you are in the wrong.
- Think about what you are going to say before you say it and what is your purpose in talking to him. Don't react impulsively because he offended you. You don't have to defend yourself from this person.
- Use "I" statements, not "you". For example, don't say "you're wrong". Try words like "I don't think your statement is true."
Step 2. Step away, calm yourself, and relieve tension
Remaining calm when the situation heats up is your highest self-control. Spilling angry words or reacting with extreme emotions such as crying will only make it harder for him to act. Don't be offended by his reaction, and don't allow yourself to get emotional when he responds.
- Remove yourself emotionally from the situation, and act like you don't care. The goal is to try not to get involved in an emotional conversation, to keep your distance and not to let his words offend you.
- Change the situation or conversation in a more positive direction by focusing on something else that doesn't spark debate. Talk about the weather, fishing, or his family-anything that will shift the debate in another direction that doesn't lead to further conflict.
- Consider the fact that anything you do or say when you are angry can be used against you. Don't respond, unless you don't mind hearing him bring up the angry comments you made years later. A difficult person wants to hear you say something that proves you're a problem person.
- Don't judge whether he's right or wrong even if he's being irrational. Judgmentalism is likely to only make you feel worse.
Step 3. Avoid arguing
If possible, don't argue with difficult people. Find a way to agree or just ignore it. Arguing will only get you emotionally involved and trigger your response to fight rather than lose. This will make it harder for you to think clearly and respond appropriately.
People have a hard time fighting, so when you agree with him or some truth in his statement, you're not giving him the fight he wants. If he calls you "asshole," just let it go and remember what happened when you reacted emotionally. This means ignoring the details and just agreeing on the general idea
Step 4. Realize that you probably won't be able to have a good conversation with him
Reasonable conversations with difficult people are likely to be impossible-at least for you. Keep that in mind every time you try to have a cool-headed discussion about your relationship with that person. Chances are you are to blame.
- Be quiet or try to joke with him whenever possible. Know that you can't "set things straight" with a difficult person. They can't and don't want to hear common sense.
- Avoid situations that will put you both in an argument. Don't face it one on one. Suggest to invite a third party. If he refuses, sue until he wants to.
Step 5. Ignore him
Difficult people generally want attention, so once he realizes that you're not giving him the attention he wants, he'll move on to someone else who will react in his favor. Stay away from his business, out of his way and avoid talking to or about him.
The emotional outburst of a difficult person is like a child's tantrum. Ignore him unless his emotional outburst is destructive, dangerous or life-threatening. Try to avoid difficult people who are angry or give them reasons to calm their emotions
Step 6. Ask thought provoking questions
Ask a question that refers to a problem to the difficult person or group you are dealing with such as the statement "What's the problem?" or “Why do you think that way?” can help. Statements like that show that you are actively involved in the conversation and are willing to find out what is the source of the debate. You can help someone in difficulty by rearranging their position and highlighting their irrationality
Be aware that difficult individuals may respond to these questions by trying to make matters more complicated by swearing, blaming, changing the subject or behaving differently
Step 7. Calm yourself down
If this conversation with this person has tested your last bit of patience, walk away from the situation. He may just want to ignite your emotions, so show that his behavior is not making any difference. It's best if you step away or do something else to calm yourself down.
- If necessary, count to ten silently.
- If he's still being tough, just ignore him. He'll eventually shut up when he realizes that he can't trigger a strong reaction from you.
Step 8. Be confident
Express your views confidently and look him in the eye when you speak. Don't let yourself look weak in front of people like that. If you stare at the floor or in another direction, he may perceive you as weak. You need to be reasonable but firm.
Step 9. Adjust your strategy
When you can't stay away, treat the conversation like a game. Study the person's strategies, and devise opposing strategies before conflict occurs. Over time you'll find out what strategies worked and what didn't, plus you'll feel better because you took three steps early to outperform him in every debate. However, remember that your ultimate goal is to free yourself mentally, not to be superior.
- If he walks up to you in front of a crowd and whispers something he doesn't think you'd respond to in order to avoid drama, answer out loud, “Do you really want to talk about that here?” This might surprise him and end up being reluctant to show negativity in front of many people.
- Consider the potential consequences of your actions if your original plans don't go as expected so you can also prepare for the unexpected.
- If he manages to provoke your reaction in other ways, don't think too much about it. Just remember what happened and develop a better strategy for the next opportunity.
- Difficult people are less difficult to deal with if you can predict what they will say or do next.
Step 10. Pay attention to your body language
Be aware of your body position, gait and facial expressions when around this person. We express many emotions through nonverbal communication. Do not let you express feelings unconsciously. Also, controlling body language will help maintain your composure, and in the process have a calming effect on this difficult person.
- Speak in a soft voice, move your body as calmly as possible.
- Avoid confrontational body language, such as prolonged eye contact, aggressive gestures, pointing or standing directly in front of his face. Maintain a neutral facial expression, don't shake your head and don't stand too close.
Part 2 of 4: Accepting the Situation
Step 1. Consider that maybe it's just a compatibility issue
Even if someone seems to get along with just about everyone, they can be difficult people for you. Some people just don't get along and don't fit together. There may not actually be anything wrong with either of you, but if they come together, the bad side of both will emerge.
When a difficult person to deal with makes statements like "everyone likes me," he's just trying to put the blame on you. The way he interacts with other people is irrelevant, because there is a problem with the way the two of you interact. Remember that blaming doesn't change facts
Step 2. Don't get too "difficult"
You may have a tendency to follow the behavior of those around you. Because of this, it's possible that you adopt this trait you don't like by accident. Perhaps you act in the same manipulative and irrational manner in response to a difficult person. Remind yourself when you notice that bad trait is starting to emerge, and really try not to imitate it.
Step 3. Think about what you can learn
People who are difficult to deal with actually offer valuable life experiences. After dealing with difficult people, you will find it easier to fit in with many different types of people. Try to be positive, and realize that what seems unreasonable to you may be his way of dealing with problems. Try to view these interactions as a means to build self-advantages such as flexibility, grace, and tolerance.
Don't be fooled by age, intelligence or status when you want to determine a person's maturity level
Step 4. Be prepared for sudden changes in mood and emotions
If you manage to convince a difficult person that he made a mistake, he may experience a sudden emotional downturn. Instead of believing he was always right, he decided that if he wasn't right now, he would forever be wrong. This is his mechanism for eliciting sympathy from others.
- Some difficult individuals use random behavior to surprise and confuse others. He probably didn't realize that either. Resist the urge to let the unexpected behavior intimidate you.
- Don't let him confuse you by acting like he's the one in trouble. If he truly regrets what he did, respond positively but don't give him a chance to manipulate you.
Step 5. Focus on the positive
Most people have traits that neutralize bad traits, so try to think of the good in this person. He must have done something good, or there were times you could relate to him. If you can't think of anything positive, make a statement to yourself, "All humans are precious" or "God loves them" to help control yourself, even if you don't like or appreciate that person yourself.
Step 6. Talk to other people
If you know someone who will understand your situation with this person (best friends, family, counselors, etc.) talk to them. They will probably understand you, and will definitely help you feel better. It's best if the listener doesn't know the difficult person you're dealing with, and isn't involved in the same situation (eg, not a coworker).
Share your feelings in a journal or online community if you feel the need to
Part 3 of 4: Protecting Yourself
Step 1. Maintain your self-respect
Maintaining a positive self-image in the face of people who describe you as a bad person will take effort. Instead of listening to what the other person has to say, you should focus on people who know you well and make you feel comfortable. Realize that this difficult person only wants to hurt you to make himself better.
- Understand that the problem here is him-not you. This may be difficult because he's good at pinpointing the blame and making you feel guilty. But if you accept responsibility for your mistakes and shortcomings and try to improve yourself, it's very likely that you're not the hard person who's in trouble here.
- When he makes statements that are meant to hurt you, realize that he wants others to think he's nice. Know that you don't need that kind of acknowledgment.
- If the insult is not based on facts, ignore it. You're not as bad as he wants you to be.
Step 2. Protect your privacy
Difficult people usually look for ways to use personal information, however small and trivial, against you. He can make up a full story and portray you as a bad person based on just a small comment you've made. As a master of manipulation, he's also really good at getting you to open up and tell you things.
Don't tell this person anything personal, even if they seem normal or act like a good friend. Anything you say or tell him personally can suddenly turn around to haunt your personal and professional life
Step 3. Be the opposite of him
Be an “easy” person, make yourself and your life an example of tolerance, patience, humility and kindness. Always try to be a reasonable person. Consider all sides of the story before drawing conclusions.
- Just as bad behavior has a negative effect on us, good behavior such as tolerance, patience and kindness can also influence other people to be better.
- Admit that you are not perfect. You don't have to be right all the time, but put in your best effort. Appreciate him, and if you don't receive the same appreciation from him, know that it's not your problem. You will have good and bad days just like everyone else in your life.
Step 4. Don't focus on it
Even though in life you can't avoid difficult people, don't think about them when you're not with them. Remember that thinking about him all the time is like sacrificing precious time for him when he doesn't care about you. Do other activities and make new friends, so you don't waste time thinking about what he said or did.
Step 5. Recognize that you may have to deal with emotional assault
People who attack the emotional side will destroy you with their words and actions. He uses tactics such as humiliating, pretending you don't exist, criticizing, dominating, blaming, demanding and emotionally distancing to make you depend on him. Never let what he says define who you are. Know that what he said or did came from an unpleasant childhood or past problems he directed at you.
- The best course of action is to be nice and friendly even if he acts like a jerk who deserves negative attention.
- If he is lonely but doesn't know the right way to get attention, he will appreciate what you do and will change.
- If he's basically an asshole who likes to make other people angry, then what you're doing is going to make him even more upset because he can't find a way to make you angry. In the end he won't bother you anymore.
Step 6. Set limits
Make rules about what is and cannot be tolerated in a relationship or friendship with him. Determine that neither of you is allowed to behave or discuss certain predetermined topics, events, and people. Maybe you should sit down and have a serious talk, and state all the boundaries of what you can and can't do and the consequences if those boundaries are violated. Let him choose whether to follow the rules or not.
- Write down some ideas, and share all your wants and needs. Invite him to sit down and talk. If he interrupts, ask him to be quiet and keep talking until you're done. You have to be honest. Give an ultimatum if you have to, but stay focused on surviving and changing the bad behavior.
- If you decide to stay in a personal relationship with someone difficult, keep your sanity at all times. Find a hobby and focus on it, join a support group or study religion.
- Make sure you impose consequences if boundaries are violated. Do not ignore any offense. If you say you will leave if he crosses the line, then go.
Step 7. Take a separate path
Eventually you may need to separate yourself from the difficult people in your life. Even if he or she is a member of the family, you may at some point have to break the closeness. Long-term relationships with difficult people will not be healthy. Keep him out of your life as much as possible.
- Walk away after you leave. Don't come back, even if your love is great or if he tries to convince you that he has changed.
- If you can't leave right now or get him to leave, leave the relationship mentally until you can physically leave.
- Breaking up with a difficult person may be painful at first but it will be a relief once you get over it.
Part 4 of 4: Dealing with Different Personality Types
Step 1. Try to find out what aspect of him bothers you the most
We all have certain aspects of personality that others can describe in a few words. Some people are dependent, controlling, playing the victim, being passive-aggressive, overly dramatic or super competitive. If you can describe what aspect of his personality creates friction with you, maybe you can determine a specific way to deal with him.
- Dependent types usually feel insecure and crave affection and love because they feel weak and idolize stronger people.
- The controlling type is usually a perfectionist and critical person who must always be right and often blames others for his own behavior.
- The competitive type always wants to win and often sees any kind of relationship, talk or activity as a contest to prove that he or she is better at everything.
- Passive-aggressive people express hostility indirectly by subtly offending the other person's sensitive side. An example of his frequent saying is “don't worry about me, I'm fine” when you know if you continue whatever you're doing, you're going to be in trouble.
Step 2. Know what attitudes won't work with difficult people
Some things may work well for some types of people, but for others they may not. You may have to experiment first to see what kind of attitude works with difficult people. It's also possible that there's nothing you can do to make your relationship easier.
- Avoiding the dependent type will only make him more persistent. However, rejecting him openly could turn him into an enemy. If you stay away, he will be hurt.
- With the controlling type, you can't say you're right and he's wrong. He has to be right no matter what, and despite the fact that you're better off, this critical, perfectionist won't budge.
- Highly competitive people will use any weakness you have against you, so don't show emotion in front of them. If you fight back and try to win, he's more likely to leave you or never give up.
- Don't deal with people who complain or try to calm them down. He would just direct his anger at something else.
- People who like to play the victim want you to feel sorry for them. Don't offer sympathy, and don't let him make excuses. Better to be practical and offer help in other ways.
Step 3. Find out what will work
You can help overcome some of the negativity in people with certain personalities. Use his strengths to help resolve conflicts, relationship stresses and minor weaknesses. Dealing with some personality types in this way may have positive results.
Step 4. Deal with dependent, controlling and competitive types of people
Understand why certain types of people behave the way they do. An overly dependent person needs guidance and responsibility in order to have self-confidence. People who like to control usually feel insecure and afraid of their own shortcomings. Competitive types care a lot about self-image, so they are usually very kind and generous after winning.
- With dependent people, show them how to do things and let them do it themselves. Don't let him convince you that he shouldn't try because you can do better. Look for situations that require help and ask for help.
- Don't be intimidated or let control-type words get to you. Confess when you do something well but don't argue if he says otherwise.
- You can let the competitive type win. If you're having a discussion with him but he won't budge, acknowledge his position and ask for time to do more research.
Step 5. Deal with people who are selfish, complainers or those who like to play the victim
Understand that selfish people should feel heard. People who complain a lot usually harbor anger from unresolved issues, and also need to be heard. The person who plays the victim always gets unlucky so he has an excuse for failure or inability to achieve something.
- If you're dealing with a selfish person, just listen.
- Avoid people who complain a lot, acknowledge how they feel and try to stay away as much as possible.
- Ignore the reasons the victim player gave for the delay or the problem and react the same way you would to anyone else. You can give advice but don't get emotionally involved.
Step 6. Deal with dramatic and passive-aggressive types
Dramatic personality types live to seek attention, and often go too far to get it. She has to live in the right environment, wear the right clothes and send her children to the right schools. The passive-aggressive type usually shows hostility because he doesn't know how to express his wants and needs effectively.
- Dramatic types are often nicknamed "drama queens," regardless of gender. Don't get caught up in the drama and emotional ups and downs this person creates. Listen, but keep your distance.
- Deal with passive-aggressive people by talking about problematic behaviors and situations. Then practice solving problems by not reacting to his hostility. Set boundaries, and encourage him to better express his wants and needs and how to ask for something assertive.
