Going through the divorce process when you have children is a difficult and very emotional situation. In addition to responding to personal emotional surges which are actually not easy, you also have to think about the impact of the divorce on your child. In fact, understand that the divorce process can be handled more easily by children if you are able to communicate it well, and always be by your side throughout the process. In addition, you must also provide maximum support to your child so that they can still be good parents, even though they are no longer living with their ex-spouse.
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Part 1 of 3: Communicating Divorce to Children
Step 1. Make a divorce plan
You and your ex-spouse must be prepared to communicate the divorce information to your child in advance. To do this, sit down with your ex to discuss who is staying, and who is leaving the house. In addition, also discuss the parties who are responsible for meeting the daily needs of the family and accompanying children's activities, as well as when the divorce process begins. Communicating all these details clearly will help you and your ex-spouse to reassure your child, as well as show that you and your ex-spouse have an equal voice.
For example, an ex-spouse may agree to get out of the house and live in a nearby apartment or rented house. In addition, you and your ex-spouse can also agree on a visiting situation, such as the ex-spouse may visit their child at home or the child may visit their apartment
Step 2. Choose the right time and place
Do not hide the situation from the child! Instead, get your ex-spouse to communicate the decision to divorce to your child so he or she can receive the same information from both parents. In addition, doing so will make the child realize that the decision has been agreed upon by both parties. As a result, the process of digesting information can take place more easily and not make children confused.
- You can convey the news of the divorce in the most comfortable room in the house. Getting your child to communicate in situations that are familiar to him can help him process the divorce better. In addition, the privacy of all parties can be maintained when it comes to discussing very important and personal topics.
- You could start the conversation by saying, “Mom and Dad have something to tell you. This information is very important and will definitely affect everyone, but no matter what happens, you should know that we are a family that loves each other."
Step 3. Speak honestly and clearly
Make sure you only share information that is important to your child, and don't go into details that they don't need to know. For example, you might say, “The closer you come, the harder it is for Mom and Dad to find a match. Instead of having to fight constantly, we've decided that a divorce seemed like the best course of action to take. Say the sentence calmly, and don't take your eyes off your child.
Adjust your sentences according to the age and level of understanding of the child. For example, simplify information for a very young child so that he or she can more easily understand it. Meanwhile, because children who are old enough can understand and process information better, you may use more complex and detailed explanations
Step 4. Let the child know that the divorce was not his fault
Remember, the child must realize that the divorce that occurs between two adults is a personal matter so it is not, and never will be, his fault. Therefore, you and your ex-spouse must make it clear that the divorce is not related to their behavior or actions.
Make sure your child also knows that you both really love him. For example, you might say, “I want you to know that this divorce was not your fault and that we will love you no matter what. We will continue to be your parents even if we no longer live together.”
Step 5. Allow the child to ask questions
Chances are, your child will ask questions about practical matters, such as where he or she should live after this, or whether the ex-spouse will leave the house after the divorce. Allow your child to ask all the questions that come to mind, and answer them as best you can. Remember, asking questions is a natural reaction for children, and you must provide the most honest answers to make it easier for children to process the news of the divorce.
- Some of the questions that the child might ask include, "Then who will be living in our house?" "I have to change schools, don't I?" "I can still meet my friends, can't I?" and “Who can I decide to live with?” Try to answer all of these questions honestly and empathetically. In addition, you must also provide clear and convincing answers so that the child can respond to the event better.
- If you want, you can also say to her, “From now on, this house will only be occupied by Mother. You'll be staying with Mom and Dad will visit you every weekend, or you can visit dad on Saturdays if you like. Until Mom and Dad officially divorce, all of our personal needs will still be used together."
- Or, you can also comment on a specific event that is important to your child, such as a birthday party or a sporting event. For example, you might say, "Mommy and Daddy have already decided that Daddy will take you to Stephanie's birthday party on Sunday, and Mom will pick you up from there" or "Mommy and Daddy will still be watching your game on Friday, right?”
Part 2 of 3: Accompanying Children During Divorce Process
Step 1. Prepare yourself for your child's emotional reactions
In fact, each child will have varying reactions to divorce, such as surprise, anger, confusion, or even guilt. Therefore, prepare yourself to face very intense emotional reactions, even to meet the needs of children. Apart from your child, you too may experience intense emotional reactions, and being by your child's side may also help you to deal with divorce better.
If your child is very young, they are more likely to show their reaction through childhood behaviors that they have stopped, such as wetting the bed or sucking their thumb. Meanwhile, older children will generally show their reactions through redness, anxiety, and grief. In addition, children may also experience depression and withdraw from those closest to them
Step 2. Be a good listener
In fact, you can help your child to overcome post-divorce difficulties by being a good parent and listener. After all, your child may need you to listen to their concerns and concerns about the event. Whatever the situation, be willing to sit down with the child and listen to his or her concerns.
- Don't interrupt your child's words and display an open posture when listening to them. This means making eye contact with him throughout the conversation, relaxing your arms at your sides, and leaning toward your child when he or she is talking.
- In addition, you can also ask questions and reassure the child when needed. Don't try to answer all her questions and concerns. If you don't know what answer to give, try saying, "I'm not sure what to answer, but you should know that I will always love you and be by your side, okay. This divorce will not change the love of Father / Mother to you, really."
Step 3. Communicate with the necessary people
Reach out to other authority figures in your child's life, and communicate the divorce plans to them. Then, ask them to help keep an eye on your child when you can't be around (such as when your child is at school). After that, ask them to contact you if your child exhibits worrying behavior during the divorce process.
To them, you might say, “Recently, my husband and I decided to separate. To be honest, I am worried that this divorce process will negatively affect the children. Since this situation must be difficult for him/them, would you be willing to contact me if any of his actions or behavior seem problematic over the next few weeks or months?”
Step 4. Establish consistent routines and habits
Creating consistent routines and habits with your child can help them cope better with divorce, as well as find comfort in an environment that feels familiar to them. In fact, most children feel more secure and comfortable when they have expectations and know that their expectations can be realized, especially in difficult situations.
- You and your partner must agree to establish a consistent daily routine or schedule, then share that schedule with your child. That way, your child will know what expectations he can have on a daily basis, and believe that you both can still be relied on by him.
- Don't change the habits of you and your ex-spouse in disciplining your children, even though your children will live in two different houses alternately during the divorce process. In other words, you and your ex-spouse must maintain the same rules regarding expectations, punishments, and rewards for your child, so that he or she is able to maintain stability and consistency in her life. Do not change or bend existing rules because doing so can actually make the child angry or confused.
Step 5. Treat your ex-spouse properly
Don't insult your ex-spouse in front of your children to avoid escalating tension and potential conflict. If it's difficult to be close to your ex-spouse, at least focus on treating him or her with respect and courtesy for the sake of the child's comfort.
- Don't fight with your ex-spouse in front of your child so your child doesn't feel even more upset. Show your child that you and your ex-spouse can still be supportive and functional parents for him or her, even if they are no longer compatible with each other.
- Don't use your child as a bridge or pawn to communicate with your ex-spouse. Be careful, these actions can create bigger emotional problems in the child, as well as increase tension between all parties.
Step 6. Get professional help and support for your child
If you see that your child is having a hard time dealing with divorce, and you don't have the best facilities to support him, try taking him to a counselor or professional therapist. In fact, some children need professional help to deal with divorce properly and grow into healthy adults.
- Try finding a specialized child therapist, or a counselor who has experience in helping children deal with their parents' post-divorce situations.
- In addition to your child, you may also need to attend counseling or therapy during the divorce process. Remember, you must first help yourself before trying to help and accompany your child through difficult times.
Part 3 of 3: Meeting Children's Needs After Divorce
Step 1. Allow your child to stay in touch with old friends and relatives
Even though you and your ex-spouse are officially divorced, that doesn't mean your child shouldn't have any contact with the people in their former life! Instead, you should encourage your child to stay on good terms with relatives from the ex-partner's side, as well as old friends, so that the comfort and stability of his life is maintained properly.
- Allow your child to spend time with family and old friends. In addition, you must also employ the same child nurse as before the divorce.
- Also allow the child to stay in touch with the people who colored his life before the divorce occurred. Do this to maintain the stability of the child's social network, as well as to help the child grow into a healthy adult and able to respond to divorce with a positive mindset.
Step 2. Adhere to the agreement regarding the child's living expenses and other financial responsibilities
Most likely, you and your partner will come to an agreement regarding your financial needs during the divorce process. After the agreement is made, make sure all parties stick to it properly to reduce the potential for conflict and ensure the child does not get into any financial problems.
If you and your ex-spouse are having a hard time supporting your child's financial needs and/or meeting other financial responsibilities, discuss the matter behind your child's back! In other words, don't mention it in front of the kids and use it as a pawn in your troubles. Believe me, these actions will only increase tension and damage the child's emotional state
Step 3. Create a stable and healthy environment for the child
Remember, you and your ex-spouse must do your best to be good parents to your child even if you no longer live together. In other words, do everything you can to create a stable and healthy living environment for your child. In addition, make sure both of you also take care of your health and meet your personal needs so that you can always be by your child's side when needed.
- Have a healthy diet and exercise regularly. In addition, you also have to take care of yourself regularly and ensure that various personal needs are properly met.
- You should also continue to socialize and meet the people closest to you regularly. Remember, the closest friends and relatives are the parties who can provide personal support when being treated, while helping you to meet the needs of your child in the future.
Step 4. Discuss your potential new partner, whoever it is, with your child
Remember, the needs and conditions of the child must also be involved in the process of establishing a new romantic relationship. Therefore, do not act in a hurry so that the child is not frightened when he sees your new relationship shortly after his father and mother divorced. If you want to be in a serious relationship with someone else, make sure your child knows it. Make it clear that you are ready to move on with your life, and keep yourself updated on your relationship with your partner so that your child feels included.
Also tell if you decide to get married and live with a new person. Such decisions can be upsetting for children, especially if they are made shortly after the divorce. Therefore, do not be lazy to discuss it with children, and listen to their opinions before making any decisions
Step 5. Find the right support system
Finding a support system is an important step to take to ensure that you and your child's needs are properly met. Because divorce is a difficult situation for all parties involved, having a powerful support system reduces some of the stress or anxiety that characterizes the event.
- You should also stick to a professional support system, such as a counselor or therapist. If you want, you can also have a private therapy session and offer your child a different therapy session with a counselor.
- You also need to have a personal support system, such as a close friend or relative. For example, you can take them to dinner with friends or relatives once a week, so that the child also feels supported and not lonely.
