Dating someone who already has children can be a really tough decision. For single parents, the needs and wants of children are above all else. As the new person in their relationship, you will need to learn to appreciate and support their attitude. Don't worry, by setting clear boundaries and learning to empathize, you will surely succeed in establishing a serious relationship with a partner who already has children.
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Part 1 of 3: Starting a Relationship
Step 1. Ask your ability to commit
If you're looking for a serious relationship, consider whether you're really ready to commit to someone who already has kids. Remember, these situations can be really difficult for you. Be honest with yourself, can you do it?
- For parents (especially if the children are young), their priority is the children, not the spouse. Be aware that your dating schedule may change at the last minute as the couple must first provide for their child's needs. You may also not be able to spend too much time with your partner or even often feel seconded.
- If your partner has children from a previous relationship, chances are that his ex-wife/husband will always be a part of his life. That way, he's more likely to keep in touch with his ex-husband/wife, even though he's already in a relationship with you. Are you comfortable with the situation? Do you still feel jealousy or tension from the situation? If the situation is getting serious and bothersome, it's likely that you need to get to know and socialize with your ex-spouse. Consider all of the above aspects before getting into a serious relationship with a single parent.
- Most single parents will be more careful, especially when it comes to romantic relationships with new people. Understand why: when your partner becomes a parent, the burden on his life will automatically increase (especially if he is a single parent). If there are problems in their romantic relationships, chances are that their ability to care for their children will be impaired. This is why your relationship may be moving more slowly than it should, especially since your partner is very concerned about the interests of their child.
Step 2. Let your partner set boundaries
You need to first ask what kind of boundaries are related to the child. Usually, this kind of conversation is difficult for single parents to start. Therefore, your partner will appreciate it more if you want to ask what kind of boundaries you need to understand before having a further relationship with him.
- Limitations are usually simple, such as how much time you need to allocate to your child (and you have to respect that). For example, your partner might assert that he or she won't be able to date weekdays because their child needs them. Respect those boundaries and show your understanding.
- Spouses may also have set limits on the right time to introduce you to their children. Even if you don't say it explicitly, chances are he won't give you a definite answer if you ask him. While you shouldn't force her, make sure that whenever she's ready, you're happy to see her child.
Step 3. Keep your attitude and thoughts positive
Don't think of your partner's children as a burden. Try to always look for the positive side of every situation.
- If your partner already has children, he or she is likely to provide you with new and unique perspectives. In general, the way a couple views work, life, and responsibilities is of course also influenced by their children. Take advantage of this situation to broaden your perspective and develop yourself in a better direction.
- Your partner's situation may make it difficult for you to spend more time alone with them. No need to be sad. This situation actually allows you and your partner to appreciate togetherness more and maximize the time you have. In addition, you and your partner will also be "forced" to interact more indirectly (by phone or email). Without distractions around, communication between you and your partner can actually be more serious and deep.
- There are many activities for children that adults can also enjoy, such as playing at the amusement park and watching interesting cartoons. Try to develop a relationship by doing activities that everyone can enjoy.
Part 2 of 3: Getting to Know Your Spouse's Child
Step 1. Observe the couple's interaction patterns with their children
Before getting into a serious relationship with your partner, you first need to feel comfortable with their upbringing. If there are things that make you uncomfortable, this is most likely a sign that your relationship will not last.
- If you date a single parent, you will automatically be part of the family. Make sure you are comfortable with your partner's family culture. Also observe the couple's interaction patterns with their children and make sure you feel comfortable with their family environment.
- If you feel uncomfortable with your partner's parenting/interaction pattern with their child, it doesn't mean that your partner is a bad parent. But feared, later you will feel alienated in their midst. Maybe your partner has different principles from you. Maybe your spouse raised their child very religiously when you are an agnostic. Maybe your partner is very focused on success while you tend to live life very casually. Whatever discomfort you feel, don't ignore it and use it as your consideration.
Step 2. Be a supportive and friendly role model
If you're not familiar with your partner's children, it's likely that you'll have a hard time making up your mind about them. The good news is that you don't have to immediately show that you're a good parent. Just be a good role model and leave a strong impression on her mind.
- Show your best attitude in front of your partner's children. Always say “please” and “thank you”, and always show a friendly and polite attitude. Listen if your partner's child is talking to you. Offer to help with household chores, such as washing the dishes after eating or taking out trash bags.
- Treat your partner well and politely to respect their child. Show your partner's children how to treat their parents well and correctly.
- Show kindness in small things. For example, give compliments to your partner. If your partner's child shows off his work at school, give a positive response and praise his creativity. If your partner has pets, treat them well.
Step 3. Be honest and patient in the initial interaction phase
Children can smell the signs of lies and falsehood in a person. Many people feel the need to be friendlier or cooler than usual when meeting their partner's children. But in fact, this attitude is just too much and shows your falsehood. Be yourself and give him time to get to know you gradually.
- Be yourself in the introduction phase. Let your partner's children know you for who you really are, not as a character you created. While you should still maintain grammar and appropriateness of the subject, there is no need to completely change your personality based on the child's wishes.
- Ask questions about school, hobbies, and friends. Many people feel compelled to be able to "read" their child's interests without asking them. But believe me, the easiest and most honest way to get to know your partner's child better is to ask.
- Maybe your partner's child will feel nervous when they have to meet you. This condition is very normal and you need to understand. Naturally, he might as well be rude to his new father/mother partner. No matter how bad the situation, make sure you respond with patience and a friendly attitude. Understand that such emotions are normal in the introduction phase; don't take it too seriously.
Step 4. Be flexible
If a couple already has children, most of the activities will be difficult to predict. It's possible that he has to leave you in the middle of a date because his child is sick or because he has to attend a parents' meeting. If you're not a flexible person by nature, try to make some leeway in your life. Learn to empathize with your partner's situation and allow him to rearrange the schedule to suit his child's condition.
Step 5. Involve the couple's children in some activities
After your partner feels comfortable seeing you related to their child, start involving your partner's child in some activities. Plan the date in a child-friendly place so your partner doesn't feel the need to choose between you or the child.
- Go bowling, rollerblading, or some other sport where kids can get involved. If your town has a night market or carnival, take them out with you.
- If you and your partner like to watch movies, occasionally invite him to watch interesting children's films. On that occasion, also bring the child. Don't worry, many children's films are also targeted at adults.
- Every now and then come to your partner's house, especially on weekends. Your partner may find it difficult to date on weekdays, so offer to come over to his house. You can bring boxes of pizza or cook dinner and then plan interesting activities to do throughout the night.
Step 6. Let your relationship with your partner's children develop naturally
Many people are in a hurry to strengthen their relationship with their partner's children (especially if their relationship with their partner is already getting serious). No matter how serious your relationship with your partner is, let your bond with their child come naturally. Remember, a relationship based on coercion will not end well.
- Allow your partner to help you in their own way. If he thinks you only need to interact once or twice a month with his child at the beginning of the introduction, respect his decision.
- Allow your partner to determine the best way to introduce you to their child. Most likely, you will probably only be introduced as a “friend”. If that's the case, there's no need to be upset. Don't force your partner to introduce you as a “girlfriend” or “wife-to-be” if he or she isn't ready.
Step 7. Never criticize your partner's parenting
Remember, you are not the child's parent; You are just an illegitimate partner of the father/mother. Even if there is a decision that you do not agree with, you have no right to criticize or inject an opinion. Let your partner do what they think is best and provide your support without being judgmental.
Part 3 of 3: Taking Relationships Seriously
Step 1. Discuss the future of the relationship with your partner
After dating for a few months or more, you may want to take the relationship more seriously. This desire, of course, will be more difficult to achieve if the couple already has children. Communicate all possibilities with your partner openly.
- Discuss your relationship situation. All relationships must be accompanied by expectations that continue to develop over time. At some point, you have to communicate those expectations with your partner. How serious are you with your partner (and vice versa)? Can you imagine a future with him? If so, what should be done to get there? If not, should this relationship continue?
- Sometimes, children can be a barrier to physical intimacy between you and your partner. You may only be able to make out with your partner if the child is away. Alternatively, you may not be able to stay at your partner's house (especially because your partner may feel uncomfortable/uncomfortable with their child). Make sure you respect the boundaries set by your partner.
Step 2. Discuss the future of your relationship seriously
If you are in a serious relationship with someone who already has children, make sure you discuss your future with them. You need to know where you stand in the family.
- Are you sure you will marry him? Do you both have the same vision regarding your career and family? Do you both have the same values in parenting? Are you two able to resolve all differences in a healthy and positive way?
- If you later get engaged or married to a partner, what is your position in the child's life? Are you going to be a stepparent? Will you have legal custody? Will your partner's children call you “Daddy” or “Mom”, or still “Om” or “Auntie”?
- Meet your ex-husband/wife. At one point, your ex-spouse will want to meet you. Of course he wants to get to know you closer, considering that you will always be by his child's side later. Discuss the possibility with your partner and ask what you should do or say in the meeting.
Step 3. Consider the possibility of you becoming a stepparent
If you are engaged (or even married) to your spouse, you will automatically become a stepparent to your spouse's children. Make sure you are ready to face the commitment.
- Prioritize needs, not wants. Once you've officially become a stepparent, you're no longer a friend to your partner's child. You should be able to make rules to discipline his life, such as asking him to wash the dishes after eating, do housework, and stay up late.
- Maybe you and your partner need to create a new family tradition. Once you're officially a stepparent, you'll be dealing with a whole new family. To foster a family atmosphere in your new home, create new family activities/traditions such as playing cards every night, having dinner out every weekend, or taking a trip out of town every holiday season arrives.
- Communicate openly with your partner. You two can't always agree on parenting. Therefore, open yourself to communicate anything with your partner so that all problems can be resolved properly.
