“You're being punished!”-most adults must have heard the phrase at least once in their childhood and youth, and many of them have come to regard punishment as a valid method of dealing with their children's problematic behavior. In fact, punishment that is not specific and effective will actually cause more problems in the future, lo! That is why, any form of punishment should really be considered in a calm and not impulsive condition. In addition, the punishment must also be accompanied by rules and consequences that are relevant to the child's behavior. If after that the child's behavior still cannot be changed, please think of an alternative method that is more effective.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Affirming the Rules With Consequences from the Beginning
Step 1. Communicate specific rules that are easy for children to understand and reach
Ambiguous directives such as "you have to be a good kid if you don't want to be punished" or "you have to correct your behavior if you don't want to be punished" actually don't provide enough information regarding rules and consequences for children. Therefore, give clear, reasoned rules, and of course adapted to the age and situation of the child. Also use the phrase "if …, then …" to inform the consequences that must be faced by the child if the rule is violated.
- "You can't play video games for an hour after school because that's your time to study and do your homework."
- "If you break this rule, you can't play video games for one week."
Step 2. Focus on short-term expectations
Because children's focus is generally limited to the present, long-term directions or expectations can be difficult for them to follow. Therefore, instead of saying, "You have to do your best in history class this semester," try to focus the child's mind on his activities for the next two weeks: "You have to finish all your assignments this week starting to study for facing exams next week.”
Think about it: most children are asked to behave well by their parents, so that Santa Claus can come at the end of the year to give them a present. That's ineffective because in general, the new kid will worry about his place on the Santa Claus list by the time December arrives
Step 3. Prioritize punishment in the form of natural consequences of his actions
Remember, a person's punishment must be adjusted to the crime. In other words, the consequences you give must be directly related to the child's mistakes, especially so that the child can more easily understand the cause and effect relationship of his actions. Besides that, it will be easier for you to determine the punishment, right?
For example, if your child engages in minor vandalism with some of his friends, you can ban him from seeing those friends for 2 weeks instead of asking him to apologize and clean the house
Step 4. Law the child's intentions, not the result of his behavior
For example, a child may break a flower vase because he or she is wrestling with a brother or sister near the vase, or because he throws the vase when it is red. Although the result of his behavior is the same, namely breaking a vase, in fact both cases do not deserve the same punishment, especially because in the second case, the child did intend to destroy the vase, while in the first case, the same intention or intention did not exist.
If you always use the same punishment template without considering other factors, such as your child's intentions, your child will surely focus more on the unfairness of the punishment he received, rather than on learning from his mistakes
Part 2 of 3: Ensuring Sentences Are Fair and Effective
Step 1. Limit or avoid punishment for children under 10-12 years old
In fact, giving punishments that are "restricting activities" will not be effective until children build strong relationships and identities with the world outside their homes. That's why most children under the age of 10-12 will not view activity restrictions as punishment.
- If the child is very young, you should give very specific punishments, such as forbidding the child to do certain games or activities, so that the results can be more effective.
- Most likely, children under 6 years old, or perhaps up to 8 years old, do not yet understand the link between their bad behavior and the punishment they receive.
Step 2. Give appropriate punishment for the child's mistakes
Supposedly, you really need to give a punishment that can be a bad experience for the child so that he is reluctant to repeat the same mistake. However, doing it too often can actually foster hatred in your child and potentially cloud the message you want to convey to your child. Therefore, please prohibit him from visiting certain places, accessing certain objects, or meeting certain people so that the child gets tired, but don't completely block his access from his closest friends or various activities that are important to him.
For example, you may prohibit your child from going out, inviting friends over to your house, or using social media during certain hours. Believe me, the ban is annoying enough, really, for children. However, it's best not to stop him from attending basketball games or dance recitals that are important to him. Even if you want to do it, make sure you consider the decision really carefully
Step 3. Limit your child's activities to one or more weeks
An indefinite or long term of punishment has the potential to foster enormous hatred within the child. So, what if the child's mistakes are too big so that limiting their activities for one week or several weekends is not enough? If that's the case, consider considering other punishment options.
If your child uses your car without permission and breaks it, please punish him for one week and while the sentence lasts, encourage him to come up with a plan to cover the cost of repairing the car
Step 4. Be careful when deciding to withdraw your child from social media while punishing him
More than likely, you will be tempted to block your child from accessing all social media platforms or to confiscate their cell phone while the sentence is in progress. However, make sure you also consider your child's activities on social media, especially since quite a lot of children get important information from school, news, etc. from social media.
- Blocking your child's access to all social media may make your child hate you more and increase their anxiety. In fact, children are at risk of consuming excessive social media after their sentence is over, you know!
- Instead, consider whether or not you're only limiting your child's social media activities or the time they use social media.
Step 5. Provide opportunities for the child to reduce his sentence
However, always remember that giving the opportunity is not the same as giving in to his mistakes. So that the boundaries between the two are clearer, don't forget to give clear details about what he must do to reduce his sentence, and don't change your initial decision if the child is not able to take advantage of the opportunities given.
For example, “Since you came home later than we agreed again, you are not allowed to leave the house for two weekends. However, if you want to do more homework than usual and finish all your schoolwork, I will reduce your sentence to just one weekend.”
Part 3 of 3: Finding More Effective Punishment Alternatives
Step 1. Use an “empathy-based” parenting style
Today, this parenting pattern is often used to replace traditional parenting patterns that are still colored by punishment. In particular, this parenting style uses a communication-based approach and aims to help children understand their mistakes, as well as the reasons behind them. In the end, the parenting pattern gives the child the authority to find solutions for his mistakes.
- Some advocates or adherents of empathetic parenting believe that punishment is an unjustified consequence. Meanwhile, there are also supporters or adherents of this parenting pattern who believe that punishment may be given in a reasonable portion, as long as it is accompanied by parenting techniques that are based on empathy.
- One way to practice empathy as a parent is to ask the reasons behind your child's choices. For example, if your child makes the wrong choice, ask him the reason behind it and other options he thinks could lead to a more positive outcome.
Step 2. Focus on open communication instead of punishing your child
Instead of punishing a child who gets bad grades because he prefers to travel with his friends instead of studying before a test, try to understand his perspective and ask questions such as, "I know that sometimes it is difficult to refuse a friend's invitation, especially if you have just entered a new school. Can you tell me how did you feel when you realized that because of that, you didn't have time to study?"
If the child is not ready to take responsibility for his behavior and think of relevant solutions, give him time to learn and re-establish the dialogue process at another time
Step 3. Help the child to build the ability to “correct” mistakes independently
After informing him of his behavior that is considered problematic, give him the opportunity to find a solution to the problem that occurs. By doing so, the child will be trained to participate more actively in managing errors or problems.
- For example, if your child is getting bad grades because he prefers to travel with friends instead of studying before a test, try saying, “I want you to find a way to improve your grades. Whenever you need our help, just say yes."
- Make sure the child no longer feels emotional when spoken to. After all, there is nothing wrong with taking a pause until the child's condition is completely calm.
Step 4. Don't be afraid to seek expert help
If your child's behavior doesn't improve after receiving punishment, empathy techniques don't work, or your ideas run out, try consulting a therapist or family counselor. Don't worry, professional and trained experts can definitely recommend fresh ideas or strategies to improve children's behavior.
- Consult the doctor who has treated you or your child, school counselor, trusted friend, and/or insurance to get a qualified therapist recommendation.
- Most likely, the therapist will recommend a technique that has proven to be useful for improving a person's behavior, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
