There is no life without regret. Regret is a feeling and thought pattern that makes a person always roll back and think about an event, reaction, or other action that he or she has done. Regret can be a painful burden and affect your happiness because you will be sad and it will limit your future. Unproductive regrets can also hinder your progress. If you are overcome by regret, identify it, learn to forgive yourself, and move on.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding Regret
Step 1. Learn what regret is
Regret is a critical thinking or feeling that makes you blame yourself for what happened. Productive regrets can make you learn to change your behavior for the future. Unproductive regret, which leaves you completely blaming yourself, can trigger chronic stress that leads to health problems.
Regret can be about things you have or haven't done. For example, you may regret acting a certain way during an argument, or you may regret not receiving a call to work
Step 2. Identify your regrets
Regret can vary from person to person, but regret usually consists of: sadness, loss, guilt, anger, shame, and anxiety. Identify the feelings associated with regret. For example, you may think about something you did in the past, then you think about it now. This can make you feel defeated and powerless. You may think about what you did or said, or you may think about what you would have done differently in the past to change the situation in the present.
Constantly rethinking and regretting your actions can cause anxiety. This can make you worry about future decisions that you will regret
Step 3. Consider the origin of your regrets
Think about what caused you to feel sorry. People can be sorry for a variety of reasons. Commonly regrettable experiences are:
- Lifestyle: Most people regret moving to another country or wish they had not turned down an offer to buy a house. For example, you move from Indonesia to Australia because you want to live in an area that has winter. However, a few months later, you realize that you are struggling to find work, have experienced life on the road, and miss home every day. You hope you don't rush into making a decision before moving house.
- Jobs: People may regret not following in the footsteps of other careers and pursuing their dream job. Or, they may regret turning down a job call or getting a promotion. For example, you may feel tormented by going to work every day and always regret that you didn't receive the opportunity to start your own business.
- Family: People may regret not settling things with a family member or friend, especially if that person is dead. Or, they may regret not spending much time with older family members. For example, you move abroad because your spouse is assigned there. You never tried to call or visit your grandmother. After your grandmother died, you regretted not trying to stay connected to her.
- Children: People may regret having started a family. For example, you start a family because you want to fulfill your partner's wishes. A year later, you don't like your new status as a parent and your relationship with your partner is swayed by it. You wish every day to pet the dog the way you want it to be. However, keep in mind that many new parents experience postpartum depression. Seek professional help if you think you are experiencing this.
- Marriage: People can regret the timing of their marriage and their partner. Some even regretted deciding to get married. For example, you marry your husband/wife because your family likes and accepts them. After 5 years of marriage, you realize that the two of you have nothing in common. You often think about how your life would be if you married an ex-boyfriend your parents didn't like.
Part 2 of 3: Coping With Regret Using Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Step 1. Use Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT practice teaches you to change habits and mindsets. You can also quickly change feelings of regret, shame, and anger. Instead, you will focus on healing any harmful and emotionally unproductive thoughts you have.
CBT works to reduce and replace regret and anxiety, not just telling yourself to stop thinking about the past
Step 2. Write down all your regrets
Regretfully, people often think about why they took or didn't take certain actions, and this can get them stuck. Make a list of the things you regret and the questions you keep asking yourself. For example, you may wonder why you act the way you do. Reread the list and change the question “why” to “what next?”. This will help you overcome the feeling of being trapped in regret.
For example: you might ask yourself, “Why did I yell at my son so much last week?”. To the question “what next?”, you can say that you know your patience is running out after you finish work. At a later date, you can set aside 5 minutes to rest before interacting with your children
Step 3. Study your mistakes
Regret can be an important lesson for the future. Try to find lessons that you can learn and realize that life lessons will make you wiser. For example, if you regret not respecting your partner, you can learn that disrespecting your partner makes you regret it. Knowing this can make you a wiser partner and person.
Step 4. Do what you have learned
What you regret can also be things you've learned about yourself and others. Knowing this could reduce your chances of making similar choices in the future. Make sure you apply the wisdom you gain.
For example, if you learn that disrespecting your partner makes him feel suspicious of you. Don't repeat it in the future
Step 5. Control how regret affects your future
While you can't change what happened, you can choose how your past affects your present and future life.
For example, you can't change how much or how often you drank in college, but you can make the choice not to let regret make you feel guilty about what you did or let it influence your future choices
Step 6. Realize productive regrets
Punishing yourself for something beyond your control can be considered unproductive remorse. However, productive regret can be positive if you are moved to improve yourself or act when the opportunity arises. Once you notice a missed opportunity, whether it's educational, financial, or emotional, you're more likely to correct mistakes in the future.
If you find that you are ambivalent about taking on new opportunities, ask yourself whether you are better off worrying about wasted opportunities or taking the opportunities that exist. By trying new things, you are less likely to regret in the future
Part 3 of 3: Beyond Regret
Step 1. Build empathy for the other person
You're not the only one who regrets something. Consider what others have experienced. Remember that empathy helps you to understand the other person's feelings. You may have to go against your own beliefs and really listen to the other person.
For example, if you're regretting that you drank too much in college, you may understand how your child feels after spending the night he regretted
Step 2. Turn regret into gratitude
You may think of regret with the following statements: “I should have…” “I could have…” “I can't believe I did…” “Why didn't I do…”. Turn these statements into expressions of gratitude. You will think about the past in a different way and begin to feel less regret. When you notice that you are thinking a statement full of regret, change it to an expression of gratitude. This can help you start thinking about the past more positively.
For example, change "I should have gone to college" to "I'm glad I'm not late for class." Or, change "I could have tried harder to stop drinking" to "I'm grateful I can still do better now."
Step 3. Practice forgiving yourself
Regret can make you hate yourself and others. Instead, you learn to forgive yourself. Not only will this reduce your feelings of regret, but it can also boost your confidence. Healthy self-confidence is essential for many areas of your life, including romantic relationships.
Don't just try to get rid of regrets. You have to admit your mistakes and feelings, but allow yourself to move on
Step 4. Write a letter to yourself
The practice of writing letters will help you practice forgiving yourself. These emotional and cognitive tools will begin to treat your regrets. Write a letter to you in your youth or in the past, and in the letter, address it to your younger self as if you were speaking to a child or a close friend. This will ensure that you have self-love.
Remind your young self that you deserve the best in life even if you make mistakes, because you are human and it is natural to make mistakes
Step 5. Practice affirmations every day
Affirmations are positive statements to encourage, support, and make you love yourself more. Having self-love will make it easier for you to empathize and forgive yourself in the past, which can reduce feelings of guilt. Say it to yourself, write it down, or think about the affirmation. Some examples of affirmations are:
- I am a good person and deserve the best no matter what my past is.
- I am an ordinary human being and do not escape from mistakes, and that is natural.
- I've learned a lot from my past, and I deserve a bright future.
Tips
- You can't change what happened in the past, but you can choose how the past affects your present and future.
- Remember that sometimes, you can be very hard on yourself.
- Imagine that you act and do things while trying to move on with your life and leave your regrets behind.
- Seek out a support group or counselor to find ways to get rid of regret.
- Help someone in need as a volunteer or support a charity event so you can take a break from your life.
- Write down how you feel to someone you hate and write it down on a piece of paper and throw it away.
- Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and you are not the only one who feels it.
Warning
- If at any point in time your regrets turn into major depression, withdrawal, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts, you should contact your doctor, psychologist, counselor, psychiatrist, suicide hotline, mental health phone number, or someone who you believe. You are not alone.
- If your regret is that someone hurt or sexually harassed you, acknowledge that you are not at fault. But make sure you tell the police (and your parents if you're very young) so the person will stop hurting you and others.
