Passive aggressive behavior is a way of dealing with conflict without confronting it head-on. This behavior can damage relationships because at first, passive aggressive people seem friendly, but over time, their attitudes change. The term “hypocrite” is commonly used to describe this behavior. Passive aggressive people tend to hide rejection, anger, disappointment, or hurt. They also don't want to talk about these things with people who will hurt their feelings (passive side), but in the end, they act aggressively by disrupting or damaging relationships so as to hurt the other person's feelings for revenge. Read this article to identify passive aggressive behavior and how to deal with it.
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Part 1 of 3: Recognizing Passive Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Observe other people's attitudes that provoke your emotions
Passive aggressive people like to make others angry and lose control, but they seem calm and innocent themselves. If someone looks like they're trying to upset you, but remains calm and friendly, you may be dealing with someone who is behaving passively aggressively.
For example, your roommate will continue to wear your lipstick, even if it's forbidden. If you ask him what he's doing and he acts like nothing happened, you may be dealing with a passive aggressive person. He'll pretend he doesn't know that his actions are bothering you, and he'll even be happy to make you angry
Step 2. Recognize a compliment with a disguised intention
Passive aggressive people like to give compliments with disguised intentions, namely compliments that are actually intended to insult indirectly. The person who is being praised may not feel insulted, but the person who is praising will be satisfied that he has succeeded in doing this.
For example, passive aggressive people compliment their newly promoted coworkers by saying, “Congratulations! You must be very happy to get this promotion after trying hard for so many years.” Through this compliment, he actually wanted to insult his colleague for only being promoted after waiting so long
Step 3. Remember whether he often cancels appointments or commitments
Passive aggressive people love to make promises or commitments, but simply break them to get revenge and upset the other person.
For example, your friend has promised to help you tidy up the house, but the next day, he says he's not feeling well and can't help. This attitude is understandable on a one-time basis, but a friend who often quibbles can't help pointing out that he's behaving passively aggressively
Step 4. Watch for sulking, aloof, or hiding feelings
Passive aggressive behavior is shown by refusing to talk about things that make him angry in a polite way, but keeping the annoyance in his heart.
- For example, a friend who is passive aggressive usually insists on saying "I'm not mad!" when it's obvious that he's angry, doesn't want to talk after a fight, or isn't answering your calls and texts.
- However, people who do not like to talk about their feelings are not necessarily passive aggressive behavior. A person who is truly passive aggressive will show an irritated expression or withdraw into a passive attitude and then attack the other person, usually by throwing a tantrum or ruining the relationship.
Step 5. Observe how one person treats another
When you're in a new relationship, people who are very passive aggressive will try to control their bad behavior in front of you. However, you can find out if he communicates well or is behaving passively by observing how he treats other people, especially his ex-spouse or people in authority, such as parents or superiors.
- Does he like to speak ill of others, but never express his grievances directly? Does he often ruin his relationships with other people? Does he often start relationships and then disappoint others? Does he show kindness, concern, or use his children to make deals (eg when communicating with his ex-spouse or parents)? These are passive aggressive personality traits.
- Even if he treats you well, he will eventually treat you the same way once he feels comfortable in a relationship with you.
Step 6. Watch for sarcasm
Many people use sarcasm in humor, but a person who is always sarcastic may be hiding the fact that he has a hard time expressing his feelings.
A person is passive aggressive because he has difficulty expressing his feelings directly, so he suppresses his disappointment or anger and tries to deal with it by being aggressive. Disappointment and anger can be expressed through sarcasm, especially by making jokes that hurt or hurt other people's feelings
Step 7. Find a specific pattern
All of the traits of passive aggressive behavior, such as sarcasm, broken promises, excuses, and martyrdom are behaviors that emotionally healthy people also occasionally display.
This behavior becomes a problem if it forms a pattern or interferes with relationships because it occurs regularly
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Passive Aggressive People
Step 1. Be honest
Tell this person directly without being rude or overbearing that his behavior is affecting you. Focus on yourself and your feelings, not on this person. For example, instead of saying, "You messed up the project we were doing," change it to, "Right now, we're not doing well at work and I want to make sure we'll get better in the future."
When you talk to this person about their hurtful behavior, they will usually deny it because passive aggressive people don't like to talk about their feelings and won't take any input! Present facts and examples as evidence, but be prepared to accept denials and denials
Step 2. Try to understand his attitude
Passive aggressive people usually have low self-esteem or have unresolved problems from childhood that make it difficult for them to express their feelings properly.
- If you are willing to refrain from judging and understand the other person, have this person talk to find out why he is being passive aggressive once he is ready to open up.
- Ask him about his childhood experiences, teenage relationships, relationships (especially those that ended badly), or other life experiences that have been bothering him. Keep in mind that passive aggressive behavior is usually used by people who have had negative experiences that lead to feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.
Step 3. Determine if this relationship is worth maintaining
You can consider the response he gives when talking about his behavior to determine whether this relationship can still be maintained or not, if he continues to maintain his behavior and does not want to change.
Often times, avoiding is the only way to keep you from becoming a victim, but if he's willing to recognize the issue and be ready to change, your relationship may still be able to move on by improving the way you communicate
Part 3 of 3: Communicating with Passive Aggressive People
Step 1. Cultivate confidence
Everyone in a relationship must have confidence in order to communicate well without exhibiting passive aggressive behavior.
- Confidence in a relationship is needed so that you feel safe when expressing your true feelings when you feel hurt, attacked, or angry. You need to have faith that you will always be accepted and loved, no matter what you do or say. Building trust in relationships is a process that takes time. This can be realized by always being a reliable and supportive person.
- Self-confidence makes a person feel worthy and feel confident that his ideas and feelings are worth listening to so that he can express his opinion. A passive aggressive partner needs to increase his confidence in order for him to be able to have a successful relationship. Learn how to build confidence in yourself by reading this wikiHow article.
Step 2. Learn to recognize emotions
This step should be done by someone who is in a relationship with a passive aggressive partner. Many passive aggressive people don't realize and don't recognize their own feelings properly and then start to reflect and say that they feel uncomfortable, hurt, etc.
Observe how anger, sadness, discomfort, or other feelings affect you physically. When you feel an emotional reaction, observe what happens to your body: is your heart beating faster, your palms sweating, your chest tight? Are you having trouble thinking clearly? Are you having trouble putting words together? After that, think again about the current situation and identify your feelings. Understanding how you feel physically and recognizing those feelings as an emotional response can help you determine how you would feel if you had the same experience again
Step 3. Define new rules for communicating
Any rules no longer apply in a relationship that has been damaged by passive aggressive behavior. You need to talk about the new rules of behavior openly so that everyone knows what you both want.
- Be respectful of each other. Apply rules to be mature and wise if there is a conflict of opinion, for example: no slamming doors, no demeaning, no sarcasm, no insulting, no threatening, or other rules that show mutual respect.
- Give leeway. Keep in mind that people usually need to calm down after an argument in order to have a rational discussion and find a solution that works for both parties.
- State your opinion. Don't be passive by avoiding talking about feelings. On the other hand, passive aggressive people will also find it difficult to express what they feel. Instead, find a way so that everyone can express their feelings and desires without worrying about negative consequences, for example by writing down their feelings to prevent negative emotions from arising.
Step 4. Don't be a trigger
People tend to be attracted to friends or partners who are passive aggressive because they have a psychological desire to help or because this problematic behavior feels familiar and safe. For example, if you were raised by passive-aggressive parents, you are more likely to choose friends or partners who are passive-aggressive.
- You support people who are passive aggressive if you protect them, find excuses to justify their bad behavior or break commitments, and "rescue" this person from their wrong decisions.
- You support passive aggressive behavior by keeping your mouth shut, not revealing the behavior, and allowing the bad behavior to continue because this shows that you will not oppose the wrong behavior.
- You support passive aggressive behavior if you stop your partner or friend from expressing their thoughts. Do you feel irritated or angry if your friend doesn't want to go with you? This behavior causes someone to make excuses or break their commitments out of fear that you will get angry. Similarly, if you refuse to talk about your feelings, the other person won't open up and will be angry with you.
