The term "passive-aggressive" was first used after World War II to describe the behavior of soldiers who secretly challenged the authority of their leader. This passive-aggressive behavior is shown as an indirect way of rejecting a leader who has authority or to show disappointment in certain people. Someone who behaves passively-aggressively will generally try to avoid conflict. Subversive passive-aggressive behavior can go unnoticed because the underlying frustration is clouded by a polish of kindness. Eventually, your anger will come out if the situation is very upsetting to you. By understanding passive-aggressive behavior tendencies and changing them, you can take important steps towards developing a better and happier life in your career and in your social life.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Recognizing Your Habit of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Start journaling about your behavior
Keeping a journal is a very useful way of identifying, evaluating, and improving your own behavior. This journal can give you more freedom to determine the triggers of your behavior, recognize how you react, and determine different behaviors.
Step 2. Know the stages in passive-aggressive conflict
There are several stages in passive-aggressive conflict that make a person tend to behave passive-aggressively.
- The first stage in the cycle of passive-aggressive conflict is the formation of passive-aggressive behavior. In building social life, people usually think that showing angry expressions is a very risky attitude and should be avoided. They will overcome anger by forming passive-aggressive behavior.
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2nd stage in the cycle of passive-aggressive conflict is the emergence of stress that triggers irrational thoughts based on childhood experiences.
For example, if a teacher asks a student to pass a test paper and in the past this student has been asked to do something and was not rewarded, in this situation, he will be carried away by his past experience. Instead of feeling rewarded for being asked to help, this student will feel angry that his teacher's request triggers a response he has learned before
- 3rd stage occurs when people who behave in passive-aggressive ways deny their anger resulting in negative feelings and anger toward others.
- 4th stage of this cycle is the emergence of passive-aggressive behavior. This stage is characterized by (but not limited to): denial of anger, withdrawal, habitual grumbling, sneering, procrastination, inefficient performing tasks or unsatisfactory work results, and holding grudges.
- 5th stage in this cycle is the emergence of reactions from other people. People generally react negatively to passive-aggressive behavior and this is usually what aggressors expect. This reaction will reinforce the emergence of passive-aggressive behavior so that the cycle repeats itself.
Step 3. Identify events that you have been dealing with with passive-aggressive behavior
You may feel very burdened if you have to record all the events when you exhibit passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, try to remember only three or four events.
- One of the locations that can lead to passive-aggressive behavior is the workplace. There are four specific behaviors in the workplace that are considered habitual for passive-aggressive people: momentary obedience, deliberately inefficient work, allowing problems to escalate, and consciously holding grudges.
- If you want to identify passive-aggressive behavior in yourself, a very good (and most important) place to start recognizing this pattern is in your professional life at work.
Step 4. Record information about what happened
You must be able to identify and eliminate wrong thought patterns that have been formed since childhood. In order to eliminate this wrong thought process, you must first know when and how these thoughts are formed. Go back to your childhood and try to recall your behavior in detail. It would be great if you could view the situation as a 3rd person who is just an observer so you can be as objective as possible. If you start to feel emotional, take a deep breath and calm your mind before continuing. Don't try to deny your own role in what happened. The purpose of this step is to find out the situations and motivations that led to your passive-aggressive behavior. Try to find answers to the following questions:
- Who is involved? What is their relationship with you (example: boss, co-worker, friend, parent, roommate, teacher)? Do they have authority over you; are they your colleagues; are you authorized to make decisions?
- Where did this incident take place? Is it at work, at home, at school, at a party, at a game, or at a club?
- When did this event occur? Sometimes time is a big factor, for example at the start of the school year or during a busy holiday.
- How did this event unfold? Is there a specific trigger or does it involve a series of events? What is the sequence of actions and responses that emerge?
- What happened in the end? Is by behaving negatively, the results are in accordance with what you want? What was the reaction from other people?
Step 5. Find out what your passive-aggressive reactions were during this event
In general, this behavior is a manifestation of a deliberate contradiction between what you say (passive) and what you actually do (aggressive). The following habits are manifestations of common passive-aggressive behavior:
- offer support to the public but indirectly withhold, delay, or thwart the completion of social and workplace tasks
- agrees to do something, but doesn't fulfill it or pretends to forget
- secretly giving something to someone without telling the reason
- pleasing someone in public but humiliating this person behind their back
- less able to be assertive in expressing feelings and desires, but expect others to understand what you feel and want
- make positive comments with sarcasm or use negative body language
- complain about not being understood and not appreciated by others
- sour face and likes to argue without giving constructive ideas
- blaming others for everything, but not willing to accept responsibility
- convey unwarranted criticism and scorn about people in authority to peers
- responding to unwelcome leaders with insincere covert actions
- suppress emotions for fear of conflict, failure, or disappointment
- express envy and anger to those who seem luckier
- excessive and persistent complaints about personal misfortunes
- always changing between the attitude of opposing that causes hostility and regretting it
- predict negative results, even before starting work
Step 6. Find patterns in your behavior
As you review actions you've taken, do you notice a habit of repeating the same way when you respond to certain situations or people? Are the results the same? Do these people react the same way to you? Did you feel better after? Or worse? Try to think about whether these patterns actually do you no good?
Step 7. Accept your emotions
One of the causes of passive-aggressive behavior problems is the habit of denying how you really feel. This habit occurs because you don't want others to know that you are angry, hurt, or disappointed. So you act as if nothing happened. These feelings just get stronger and more irrational because you can't channel them in the right way. Therefore, you must give yourself the opportunity to feel and acknowledge your emotions so that this problem can be addressed in a good way.
Step 8. Cultivate self-awareness
This is where you need to be honest with yourself in order to understand what the underlying reasons for these negative feelings are. Is it because of what your coworkers say? Are you being forced to do something you don't want to do? Was your contribution in the last project not recognized by your manager? Is your friend getting better grades than he deserves? Try to dig deep and find what you really want.
Part 2 of 4: Reducing Your Tendency to Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Step 1. Identify your passive-aggressive behavior
The first step to reducing passive-aggressive behavior is to develop self-awareness about your behavior. Watch out for behaviors such as withdrawing from relationships, pouting, performing tasks inefficiently (on purpose), stubbornness, and procrastination. Naturally, this personality is not formed in a short time. So, it takes time and strong determination to change it.
Step 2. Listen and observe
Communication is basically about listening to and understanding messages that aren't being said as long as it's related to an open and direct conversation. Try to understand what the other person wants (or doesn't want) to say in response to your actions. They can also be passive-aggressive just like you. Try to see things from a different perspective. Are you overreacting? It's good if you reflect and review the current situation.
Step 3. Get rid of your sarcasm
Sarcasm is a common method used by passive-aggressive people and it will only make an already bad situation worse. There are some common phrases to avoid: to avoid:
- "Up to you"
- "I'm fine"
- "Why are you so disappointed?"
- "I'm just kidding"
Step 4. Avoid momentary obedience
At work, employees with certain passive-aggressive behavior called momentary obedience will undertake a task, but are late in completing it. This delay may occur because he likes to procrastinate. It's possible he feels underappreciated at work, but doesn't know the right way to express his feelings.
- If you feel like being submissive for a moment, try to find out if you're doing this because you feel unappreciated.
- This passive-aggressive behavior can also occur at home. For example, you promised your partner you would wash the dishes regularly, but you deliberately put it off until he was upset.
Step 5. Admit if you have a habit of working inefficiently on purpose
With this habit, a person values the possibility of being antagonized more than he values his own competence. An example of this habit is shown by an employee who always works with the same results, but the quality decreases significantly. Employees who behave like this usually position themselves as victims. This behavior can be detrimental to the owner of the company and damage the reputation of the employee concerned.
- Recognizing these behaviors will help you reduce passive-aggressive behavior at work so that you can improve your career path.
- At home, this behavior can arise through deliberately delaying washing the dishes or doing it half-heartedly so that your partner has to wash all the dishes again before putting them away.
Step 6. Don't let the problem get bigger
Allowing problems to escalate is a passive-aggressive behavior carried out by someone who does not want to face or solve problems. Instead, he allowed the problem to build up until it became a big problem.
- Examples of behaviors that allow problems to escalate are the habit of procrastinating and arguing about being sick or taking time off.
- At home, this behavior can occur by refusing to wash dishes for so long that dirty dishes pile up over the sink and the entire sink so that your family has to eat on paper plates because they run out of clean dishes. (Your partner will also be angry with you in this situation).
Step 7. Identify the hidden, conscious grudge
This revenge arises when someone secretly wants to bring down the person who has disappointed him. This grudge can appear in the form of gossip or other undetected acts of sabotage.
- In the office, a vengeful person may spread gossip about the person who has upset him. This will undermine your own professionalism and damage the reputation of others.
- At home, this may be done by trying to win over the children and subtly influencing them to oppose your partner.
- Avoid self-defeating behavior. This behavior involves someone who likes to harm himself in order to get revenge on someone who has disappointed him.
- An example of this behavior is the attitude of a student who deliberately fails to take an exam to get the attention of his teacher or an athlete who deliberately loses a match in order to get the attention of his coach.
- In the workplace, this behavior can be demonstrated by not paying attention to a client or thwarting a project from getting “notice” by the company, even if this means doing yourself a disservice.
Part 3 of 4: Developing Good Emotional Habits
Step 1. Give yourself a chance to change
It takes a lot of time and repetition to change habits that have been ingrained for so long. Know that change is a process that is not always easy. Don't be afraid to start over and reassess your behavior. Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up if you don't succeed the first time you try. You will be successful in changing passive-aggressive behavior tendencies with more practice. If you face challenges in trying to change this passive-aggressive behavior, pause and reflect on what is going on. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Can you find the reason that made you take a step back?
- Should you stop trying and choose another way to change certain behaviors?
- Are there feelings or emotional responses that you haven't recognized or corrected?
Step 2. Learn to be assertive and express yourself honestly and with respect for yourself
Once you figure out what's bothering you, start stating your stand and explain what you mean. Practice expressing your opinion in the right words and then listen to how you say it. You can be strong and assertive without hurting other people's feelings. Never blame others and express your feelings in a positive way. At first, the openness may make you irritable, but you will become more confident as you make progress.
- For example, you may feel irritated if someone at work always takes the last brew of coffee for himself without preparing a new brew for someone else. Instead of getting angry and keeping it to yourself until it causes an incident, speak your mind. Try saying, "I know that you poured the last brew. Would you mind preparing a new brew so we can all drink coffee during our break too? Thank you!"
- At home, you can explain your wishes to your partner. If your partner is supposed to do the dishes after dinner and he doesn't, try saying something like, "I know you've been working all day, but we agreed that if I prepare dinner, you do the dishes. If you prefer to cook and I who does the dishes, we can do it, but I think we should share the responsibility for the daily household chores."
Step 3. Realize that conflict is normal
Differences of opinion are not uncommon. The fight you're having may not be a conflict, it's just a misunderstanding. Usually it won't do any harm if you can defuse your anger and have the discussion in a positive, constructive way. You can agree to disagree and try to find common ground that provides a "win-win" solution for both parties. This way, you can be in control instead of allowing passive-aggressive behavior to cause problems out of your control.
- At work, you may disagree with the way someone completes a project. You prefer to work with a plan, while your partner prefers to go straight to work and then set a vision of the end goal without thinking about how to achieve it. Instead of feeling angry or upset, explain to this person how you work differently. You may not agree with how the project will be completed, but you can divide this work by combining your strengths, namely your plan and vision.
- At home, you can talk to your partner and realize that you've "given an assignment" that he really doesn't like. Maybe you can strike a deal by offering if he'd like to do other tasks that he can still accept and you do the work. For example, your partner can vacuum, cook, and take out the trash so he doesn't have to do the dishes.
Step 4. Choose success
Don't chase negative results, but change your focus to achieve success. There are people who like to admit their failures early on so they don't have to have any expectations, including their own. If you are behaving passively-aggressively at work because you feel unappreciated, try to take pride in your work. If you can, make changes to make your job happier.
Step 5. Feel the pride of your success
Even if you make slow but positive progress, you can still change your behavior in the direction you want. By breaking your habit of responding passively-aggressively, you can leave the self-protective behavior that you've been making a habit of. So, it's okay if you feel a little unsure. The ability to communicate well about how you feel will help you become a better person and strengthen your relationship.
Part 4 of 4: Seeking Help When You Need It
Step 1. Seek help if you need it
Don't be afraid to seek help from a trained psychiatrist or psychologist. The roots of passive-aggressive behavior are usually very deep and cannot be changed only in oneself. Psychological therapy can help you deal with deep-rooted problems.
Step 2. Know what passive-aggressive personality disorder means
The validity of determining the presence of passive-aggressive personality disorder is currently under debate. There are mental health experts who argue that this is a personality disorder, but there are also those who disagree. Regardless of whether the disorder is “officially recognized”, seek immediate counseling with a professional therapist if you are unable to control this passive-aggressive behavior.
Step 3. Be aware of the increased risk of depression or suicidal ideation
Research has shown that people with passive-aggressive personality disorder experience depression and suicidal ideation. If you are facing depression and suicidal ideation as a result of this problem, seek help immediately! You can contact a mental health center in your area or call a suicide prevention service for more information. If you live in the US, call 1-800-273-8255. For those of you who live in Indonesia, contact Halo Kemkes at telephone number 500-567.
Tips
- If your passive-aggressive behavior is so deep-rooted that you can't handle it on your own, seek the help and guidance of a professional counselor to get well-managed therapy.
- There are usually other problems that contribute to passive-aggressive behavior; These include: the demand for perfection, the fear of failure, success, or rejection. This problem should also be solved as part of an effort to understand the motivations that underlie your words and actions.
