Manipulation refers to attempts to influence the behavior or actions of others indirectly. As humans, our judgments are usually influenced by emotions, so it is difficult for us to see the reality behind the agenda or ulterior motives in different behaviors. The controlling aspect associated with manipulation is sometimes very subtle and goes unnoticed, hidden behind feelings of responsibility, love, or habit. You can recognize the signs so you don't become a victim.
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Method 1 of 3: Watching Manipulative People's Behavior
Step 1. Notice if he always wants you to speak first
Manipulative people want to hear what you have to say so they can identify your strengths and weaknesses. He will ask probing questions so you will talk about your personal opinions and feelings. These questions usually start with “what”, “why”, or “how”. His responses and actions are usually based on the information you provide.
- However, an attitude that encourages you to speak first is not necessarily considered manipulation. Also consider the other things he does.
- Manipulative people don't reveal much personal information during conversations, they will focus more on you.
- If this behavior occurs in almost every conversation, it may be a sign of manipulation.
- While the questions he asks appear to be of genuine interest, keep in mind that there may be a hidden agenda behind it.
Step 2. Notice if she uses her charms to achieve anything
Some people are charming by nature, but manipulators use their charms to get things done. Maybe he compliments you before making a request. Maybe he gave a small gift or a greeting card before asking for something or said he was going to do something nice to get someone else to do something for him.
For example, some people cook a delicious dinner and act very sweet before asking for money or help with a project
Step 3. Beware of pushy behavior
Manipulators will encourage others to do something by force or threat. Maybe he'll yell at, criticize, or threaten to get someone to do something for him. He could start by saying, “If you don't do it, I'll _” or “I won't _, until you _”. This tactic may not only be used to encourage someone to do something, but also to stop that person from doing a certain action.
Step 4. Know how to handle facts
If someone is manipulating facts or trying to overwhelm you with facts and information, they may be trying to manipulate you. Facts can be manipulated by lying, arguing, withholding information, or exaggerating. Manipulators can act like an expert on a particular subject and bombard you with facts and statistics. He does it to feel superior to you.
Step 5. Notice if he always plays the martyr or the victim
Maybe he did what you didn't ask for, then used it to take advantage of you. By "helping," he assumes you should return the favor and will complain if you don't want to.
A manipulator may complain and say, “I feel so neglected/hurt/oppressed, etc.” in an attempt to gain sympathy and get you to do something for him
Step 6. Consider whether the kindness is conditional
He may be sweet and nice if you do something well enough, but will throw a tantrum if you make a mistake. This type of manipulator seems to be two-faced, one side of an angel when he wants to be liked and the other scary when he wants to be scared. All seems fine until you let the expectations down.
You are like walking on the edge, afraid to make him angry
Step 7. Observe his behavior patterns
Everyone does something manipulative at least once. However, real manipulators do it all the time. Manipulators have a personal agenda and deliberately exploit others to gain power, control, and profit at the expense of that person. If this behavior occurs on a regular basis, he may be a manipulator.
- When you are manipulated, your rights or interests are usually sacrificed and are not considered important by the manipulator.
- Be aware that manipulative behavior may be influenced by a mental disorder or illness. For example, a person with depression may lose control without manipulative intent, and a person with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may have trouble checking their mail every day. This does not make them manipulative people.
Method 2 of 3: Assessing Your Communication with the Manipulator
Step 1. Recognize whether you were made to feel unworthy or criticized
A common technique of manipulators is to distract and belittle you to make you feel worthless. No matter what you do, he can always find fault. There's nothing you can do well enough. Instead of offering helpful advice or constructive criticism, he's just pointing out your negative side.
This can also be done through sarcasm and jokes. A manipulator may make jokes about you, from your clothes, car, job, family, appearance, and so on. Even if the comments are disguised as humor, they are used against you. You are the target of his jokes, and the jokes are used to make you look down on yourself
Step 2. Notice if you are silenced
A manipulator uses silence to take control. Maybe he just ignores your calls, messages, and emails. This is done to make you feel uneasy or to punish you for doing something wrong. "Silence" is different from keeping a distance to calm down and then resume communication again, silence is here used as a way to make the other person feel helpless.
- Silence may be triggered by your actions, but it may not. If the manipulator wants to make someone feel worthless, he just needs to cut off communication for no apparent reason.
- If you ask him the reason for his silence, he may deny that anything is wrong or say that your question doesn't make sense or that you are paranoid.
Step 3. Find out if he's trying to make you feel guilty
Guilt is used to make you feel responsible for the manipulator's behavior. Guilt also makes you play a role in shaping his emotions, such as happiness, failure, success, anger, and so on. Eventually you'll feel obligated to do whatever it takes for him, even if it doesn't make sense.
- Manipulators usually evoke guilt with statements such as “If only you were more understanding, you would have _”, “If you really loved me, you would _” or “I did this for you, why don't you do the same for me?” (even though you didn't ask for it).
- If you agree to something you normally wouldn't do or make you uncomfortable, you may have been a victim of manipulation.
Step 4. Realize whether you are always apologizing
A manipulator can turn the situation around to make you feel like you've done something wrong. It does this by blaming you for something you didn't do or making you feel responsible for certain situations. For example, you and he had promised to meet at 1 pm, but he only showed up two hours later. You question him, and he responds with, “You're right. I've never done anything well. I don't know why you still want to talk to me. I have no right to be with you. Now he makes you feel sympathetic and changes the direction of the conversation.
Manipulators also tend to misinterpret whatever you say in the worst possible way, which can lead to you apologizing for what you said
Step 5. Realize if he's always comparing you to other people
In an attempt to get you to do something, he may tell you that you are no match for other people. He may also say that you'll look stupid if you don't do one particular thing. This he does to make you feel guilty and pressure you to do what he asks.
“Others will _” or “If I asked Meri for help, she'd want to”, or “Everyone says it's great except you” are various comparisons to get you to do something
Method 3 of 3: Dealing with Manipulative People
Step 1. Know that you can say “no”
A manipulator will continue to manipulate you for as long as you allow. You have to say "no" to protect your sanity. Look in the mirror and practice saying "No, I can't help you" or "No, that's not going to work for me." You have to defend yourself, and you deserve respect.
- You shouldn't feel guilty if you say "no". That is your right.
- You can politely decline. When a manipulator asks you to do something, say "I'd love to, but I'm really busy next month" or "Thanks, but no."
Step 2. Set limits
The manipulator who finds injustice and is in a slump will try to get your sympathy to be used for his own benefit. In this case, he will rely on feelings of "helplessness" and seek help from you, whether financial, emotional, or otherwise. Watch out for such attitudes and comments like “You are all I have” and “There is nothing else I can talk to”, and so on. You have no obligation or ability to meet his needs all the time.
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If he says "There's nothing else I can talk to," try responding with a concrete example:
“Remember when Citra came over to talk to you all afternoon? And Sari says she would love to accompany you on the phone whenever you need to be heard. I'd like to talk to you for the next five minutes, but after that I have an appointment that can't be missed."
Step 3. Don't beat yourself up
Manipulators will try to make you unworthy. Remember that you are being manipulated into feeling worthless, and the problem is not with you. When you start to feel bad for yourself, realize what's going on and heal your feelings.
- Ask yourself, “Does he treat me with respect?”, “Are his requests and expectations reasonable”, “Is my relationship with him one-way?”, “Do I feel worthy in this regard?”
- If the answer is "no," it's likely the manipulator is the problem, not you.
Step 4. Be assertive
Manipulators usually twist and distort facts to make themselves appear more attractive. When you respond to distorted facts, seek clarification. Explain that the facts you remember are not like that and you would like to know more about them. Ask simple questions, such as when you both agree on an issue, what form of approach he believes in, and so on. When you reach the equation, think of it as a new starting point, not a distorted fact. For example:
- He said, “You never supported me in meetings. You're only there for your sake and you're always baiting me to those predatory sharks."
- You answer, “That's not true. I'm sure you're ready to discuss your idea with those stockholders. If I thought you made a mistake, I would have helped, but I think you did it brilliantly.”
Step 5. Listen to yourself
It is important that you listen to yourself and pay attention to how you feel about the situation as it unfolds. Do you feel oppressed, pressured, obligated to do things for him when you really don't want to? Is the impact of his behavior seemingly endless, so once you've finished helping him in one way, you're expected to provide more help and support? Your answer should serve as a guide to where your relationship is headed.
Step 6. Stop trying to arouse guilt in you
One of the keys to remembering when trying to get out of the guilt trap is that the sooner it's stopped, the better. Take a boomerang approach that strikes back at him and don't let his interpretation of your behavior dictate the situation. This approach involves assessing what the manipulator is saying, as well as saying that he or she is not showing appreciation, being inattentive, unrealistic, or not being nice.
- If he says, "You really don't care how hard I try for you." Answer, “Of course I care about the hard work you have put in for me. I've said it many times. Now it gives the impression that you are not paying attention to me.”
- Reduce its grip on you. When a manipulator tries to make you feel guilty by saying he doesn't matter, don't be swayed.
Step 7. Put your focus on the manipulator
Instead of letting him question and make demands, take control of the situation. If you are asked or pressured to do something that is unnatural or makes you uncomfortable, ask some probing questions.
- Ask, "Does that seem fair to me?", "Do you think this makes sense?", "What's in it for me?", or "How do you think I feel about this?"
- Questions like that might make the manipulator back off.
Step 8. Don't make quick decisions
A manipulator may try to pressure you into making a quick decision or demand a quick response. Instead of giving up, say, "I'll think about it." This answer will save you from the urge to agree on something you don't really want or in an unfortunate situation.
If an offer is lost when you take time to think, it's probably because you wouldn't have done it if you had time to think. If he forces you to make a decision within seconds, the best answer is “No thanks”
Step 9. Build a support network
Focus on healthier relationships and spend time with people who make you feel good and confident. Turn to family members, friends, mentors, partners, and/or friends from the internet. These people can help you stay balanced and happy with yourself. Don't isolate yourself!
Step 10. Stay away from manipulators
If you find interacting with manipulative people very difficult or dangerous, distance yourself. You are under no obligation to change him. If the manipulator is a family member or coworker you spend a lot of time with, try to limit interaction with him or her unless necessary.
Tips
- Manipulation can occur in any type of relationship, including romantic, familial, or platonic.
- Look for specific behavior patterns. If you can predict a person's behavior in pursuit of a particular goal, you may begin to recognize signs of manipulative behavior.
