Are you shy? You are not alone. There are many people in the world who have experienced the same thing, from mild to extreme, and have difficulty coping. To overcome shyness, you must understand the situation that triggered it, work to change your mental state and perspective on the situation, and practice dealing with situations that are comfortable or not until you get over the worries that are holding you back. Remember that overcoming shyness doesn't happen overnight, and it takes time, effort, and of course, your will to change.
Part 1 of 4: Understanding Shame
Step 1. Think about the roots of your shyness
Shyness doesn't always equate to being introverted or disliking yourself. It just means, for some reason you feel embarrassed when people notice you. What is the root of your shyness? Generally this is a symptom of a bigger problem. Here are three possibilities:
- You see yourself as weak. This happens when we give ourselves a self-assessment and the voice in our head says something negative. It's hard to ignore it, but the truth is, it's your voice and you can tell her to say anything.
- You have a hard time believing the compliments given to you. Whether you think you look good or not, someone might think you look good and that's why they compliment you. You certainly wouldn't call him a liar, would you? Raise your head, say thank you, and accept the compliment. Don't try to say otherwise to the person who has complimented you.
- You think too much. This happens when we focus too much on ourselves. Since we spend all day watching our actions so as not to mess things up, we assume that other people do too. We will change the focus to others if these are similar to your symptoms.
You are labeled as shy by others. Sometimes, when we were young, we felt shy. Unfortunately, people label us shy and treat us as such, even after our personality changes. It's very likely that other people have put you in this category and that you've followed their opinion. What's the good news? You just have to obey yourself.
Whatever the reason, you can work it out. It's just a way of thinking, and thinking is something you can control. That's right
Step 2. Accept your shame
One of the first steps to overcoming shyness is to try to accept and be comfortable with it. The more you resist it, knowingly or unknowingly, the longer the shame will hold you. If you are shy, accept it completely. One way to do this is to repeat these words to yourself, 'Yes, I'm shy and I accept it'.
Step 3. Find out what the trigger is
Do you get shy in front of new people? When learning something new? When in a new environment? When surrounded by people you know and admire? When you are somewhere and don't know anyone? Try to figure out what's on your mind before the shame strikes.
Fortunately, not all situations embarrass you. You're doing well in the family, aren't you? How can they be different from strangers? It's no different, you just get to know them better and moreover, they know you. The problem is not with you, but the situation. This proves that you are not 100% shy. Good
Step 4. List the situations that make you nervous
The least disturbing place first and the most agitated last. When you put this list down in writing, it will feel like a task you have to work on until you succeed.
Make this list as real as possible. Maybe the trigger is "Talk in front of other people," but you need to be more specific. Speaking in front of people who are more powerful than you? Talk to people you find interesting? The more specific it is, the easier it will be for you to identify the situation and find a solution
Step 5. Conquer the list
Once you've written a list of 10-15 situations that stress you out, start tackling them, one at a time (after you've finished reading this article, of course). Successfully overcoming the "easier" situations in the first place will give you the confidence to move on to the more difficult situations on your list.
Don't worry if you sometimes experience setbacks. Set the pace you want, but try to keep pushing yourself
Part 2 of 4: Conquering the Mind
Step 1. Use this shyness as a Cue
Whatever works to trigger shame, it's because you perceive it as a shame trigger. Just like computer programming, when one 'program' gets disturbance then the computer will deal with the intruder, exactly as programmed. Our minds can also be programmed in the same way. Thinking back, in childhood we were programmed to react to stimulants such as staying away from strangers, heights, or dangerous animals. It means we know it and react naturally (standard) and this reaction can be changed. For example, when you see a lizard some will consider it an ugly reptile while others see it as a beautiful pet, this difference in perception due to their natural (standard) reaction or response to stimulants (lizard). In the same way, when a shy person meets another person (stimulant), his natural reaction is Embarrassed. In fact, you can change this response by reprogramming your mind. You can do this by:
Ask yourself questions and check the validity of your reasons. For example, it's important that you practice public speaking to really get over this shyness issue. Try to view shyness as a cue to push yourself hard and to do the opposite of what you usually do when you feel embarrassed. When you're embarrassed to be in a crowd you may want to go somewhere else that's quiet because this is your standard reaction, but this time when shame strikes, force yourself to do the opposite, talk to other people. It's true that you will feel very uncomfortable but again, think of that feeling as a trigger to push yourself harder. The more negative emotions you feel, the stronger your motivation to push yourself. After trying this method a few times, you will find that these negative emotions and feelings are actually good friends because they have motivated you to push yourself harder
Step 2. Pay attention to others
99% of us feel ashamed because we think that if we speak or stand out, we will embarrass ourselves. That's why it's so important to focus on other people, put our (mental) attention elsewhere. When we stop focusing on ourselves, we will also be able to stop worrying about what will happen.
- The easiest way is to focus on loving. When we feel compassion, sympathy, or even empathy, we no longer worry about ourselves and begin to devote our minds and minds to understanding others. By knowing that everyone is fighting for something, big or small (big for them!) we realize that everyone deserves attention.
- If that doesn't work, imagine the mindset you think other people have. When you worry about appearances, you think everyone seems to be paying attention (hint: they really aren't). That mindset is contagious, once you start, you can't stop.
Step 3. Imagine success
Close your eyes and visualize the situation you are embarrassed about. Now, in your mind's eye, think about being confident. Do this regularly, and for different situations. It will be very effective if you do it every day, especially in the morning. It may seem silly, but athletes use visualization to develop their skills, so why not you?
Engage all your senses to make it feel real. Think about happiness and comfort. What would you say? What do you feel? This way, when the time comes, you'll be ready
Step 4. Practice posture
Standing tall gives the world the impression that you are confident and accepting of others. Often we are treated the way we feel, so when you feel open and approachable, your body will embody those feelings. The power of the body controls everything!
This method will fool your brain too. Research shows that good posture (head held high, shoulders pulled back, and arms extended) makes us feel empowered, confident, and moreover, reduces stress. And you need no other reason
Step 5. Practice speaking clearly to yourself
This will help you avoid the embarrassment of having to repeat words spoken in a mumble or low voice. Get used to hearing your own voice! You might like it.
Make a recording of your mock conversation. Sounds silly, sure, but you'll recognize a pattern, when and why your voice drops, times when you feel like you're talking out loud but really aren't, etc. At first you'll feel like an actor (and doing what actors do), but you'll get used to it. You know that with practice we will get used to it
Step 6. Don't compare yourself to others
The more you compare yourself to others, the more you feel inadequate and the more intimidated you become, which will make you even more embarrassed. There's no point in comparing yourself to others, but if you want to compare, compare realistically. Everyone has self-confidence issues too.
Serious. If you have a friend or relative who is super confident and sociable, ask them about this. They might say something like, "Oh yeah, I totally put myself out there" or "I used to be terrible. I've got to work on that." You're just in a different phase of the process they're in
Step 7. Think how great you are
Everyone has a special talent or special trait to offer the world. This may sound cliché, but it's true. Think about what you know, what you can do, and what you've accomplished, rather than dwelling on how you look, talk, or dress. Keep in mind that everyone, even "beautiful people" have something about themselves or their life that they don't like. There's no reason why your "problem" should embarrass you while their "problem" shouldn't embarrass them.
When you think about this, you will realize that there is a lot you can offer for a particular group or condition. Your abilities and skills are needed to fix any problem, conversation, or situation. Knowing this will make you more likely to talk
Step 8. Know your social values and strengths
Just because you don't stand out, don't speak the loudest, or never start a party doesn't mean you don't have a social advantage. Are you a good listener? Are you a conscientious person? Maybe it's never occurred to you, so sit down and think about it. Are you a better observer than those around you? May be.
- Your strengths can be useful. If you're a good listener, you'll know when someone has a problem and needs to talk about it. In these circumstances, they need you. There is nothing threatening about this situation. So ask what happened! You see they have a problem, will they talk about it?
- In every social group, all roles must be filled. You have a place even if you don't see it. No one is better than the other, know that your grades, whatever they are, complement the group dynamic.
Step 9. Don't get stuck in a certain stamp
For the record, people who are popular are not necessarily happy. Open people are not always popular or happy and shy people are not necessarily closed, unhappy, or cold and isolated. Just as you don't want to be branded, don't stamp anyone else either.
The popular kids at school try very hard, every day, to be popular. They try to fit in, get along and succeed. Good for them, but that doesn't mean they are happy or it will last. Trying to imitate something that doesn't look like it's going to be fruitless. You better be yourself, because school is coming to an end, college is over, and what's left?
Part 3 of 4: Conquering Social Situations
Step 1. Get the information
If you're planning on attending next week's party, it's a good idea to prepare yourself with some hot topics. Will fuel prices go up again? The last episode of the hottest TV show? International events? Read regularly. That way when the topic is brought up in conversation, you'll be able to contribute your voice.
Your goal is not to impress people with your deep and thorough knowledge. You just want to join. Other people don't want to be judged or given an opinion, so try to stay friendly and lighthearted. Words like, "I don't think I want to be chairman of the MPR" can relax serious conversations
Step 2. Think of a conversation in stages
Social interactions can be simplified, to a point. When you start from the very basics, you're automatically ready to continue the conversation, so you don't get stressed out. Think of four stages for all conversations:
- Stage one is a simple opening sentence. This is trite in a good way.
- Stage two is introduction. Quite clear.
- Stage three is finding common ground, some topics that can be discussed.
- Stage four is concluding, where one party tells he or she has to leave, concludes the conversation, and perhaps exchanges information. "Well, nice to talk to you. I never thought that way about him. Here's my business card, let's chat again soon!"
Step 3. Start the conversation
Do you remember a great project you worked on? Which mountain have you climbed? The disease that you managed to beat? When you do all that, conversation is easy. A random comment about something you've been through together can be a start, like "This bus is always late," or "We just have to make sure coffee is coming soon!" or "See the Director's tie today? My God." The conversation will continue from here.
Add details to the underlying statement. When someone asks where you live, the conversation can potentially be silent and awkward if you only give a short answer. Instead of answering "On Jalan Rambutan," try, "On Jalan Rambutan, right next to that great bakery." This way, the person will have something to comment on, keeping the conversation going. They don't just respond, "Oh, I see." They'll say, "Oh, have you tried the chocolate croissant?!"
Step 4. Warm up
At a party, you can repeat the exact same conversation. Start a chat with one or two people and practice the same social jokes and small talk until you get bored. Then go back to your crush to chat with them. You can enjoy real conversation with them.
Start quickly, each conversation only lasts a few minutes. This will lift the pressure and reduce your nervousness. When a conversation has to end in 120 seconds, it's not that scary. Then you can devote your time and energy to the people you want to make friends with. This method really makes sense for your time and abilities
Step 5. Look and be approachable
Convey a friendly and open attitude with body language. Make sure not to cross your arms, keep your head up, and keep your hands busy. No one will talk to you when you're busy playing Candy Crush. If anything, they're just being polite!
Think of the person you want to be close to. What do their bodies and faces say? Now think of the people you don't want to be around. What is your current position, which of the two is similar to you?
Step 6. Smile and make eye contact
A smile at a stranger might just brighten up your day, and theirs too! A smile is a friendly way to get to know other people, and a great start to a conversation with anyone, strangers or friends. By smiling you show that you are harmless, friendly, and want to connect.
Humans are social creatures. A glance at the inmates in prison proves it. We all seek interaction and recognition. You don't give them that, but you make them livelier and better
Step 7. Think about your body
When you're in a group of people (or just one person), you may get caught up in shy thoughts. At first it was normal. If you are feeling restless, ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I breathing? If you can make slow breaths, you will automatically relax.
- Do I feel relaxed? If not, move your body to find a comfortable position.
- Am I open? You may be able to take cues from your own position. Being open may change how others perceive you as part of a group.
Part 4 of 4: Challenging Yourself
Step 1. Define goals
It's not enough to just think "I will open up and not be embarrassed!" That's not a real goal, it's tantamount to saying, "I want to be awesome." How exactly are you going to do it? You need action-oriented goals, like talking to a stranger or starting a conversation with that cute girl you know. (We will discuss these actions in this section).
Focus on daily exercises, small ones, and gradually get bolder. Talking to a stranger is scary. Do not assume this small possibility is not a big problem, but a huge one! In time you will be able to speak in front of a crowd of people. Just slowly
Step 2. Find what makes you comfortable
Honestly, dancing on the dance floor or drinking at the club all night may not suit you, and it has nothing to do with shyness. If you prefer to trim your Grandma's toenails, go for it. Don't try to conquer shame in an environment that you honestly can't handle. It won't last long.
You don't have to do what other people do. If you push yourself, you won't like it and you won't meet people you like and have something in common with. Why waste time?! If you don't like going to bars, that's fine, of course. Practice your social skills at coffee shops, small gatherings, or at work. This environment is more suitable for your life
Step 3. Practice putting yourself in less comfortable situations
Yes, we don't want you to be in a hidden corner where you can pinch yourself to numb social pain, but don't just try an environment a step or two outside your comfort zone. How else can you grow?
Remember the method of starting from the top of the list? You can start small talk with a CS girl, talk to someone at the bus stop, or chat with a coworker whose cubicle is next to you. A lot of people have a hard time getting started (do you know why? They're the same as you), but the opportunity for conversation starts there
Step 4. Get to know one new person each day
Often talking to strangers is easier, at least shorter. After all, you probably won't see them again, so don't care what they think of you. If you often see a guy who usually walks to the bus stop, try to make eye contact with him and smile. It only takes 3 seconds to do it!
If you do this often, you will find that the other person is friendly and open. Every now and then you'll run into a paranoid person wondering why you're smiling at them, let's just say you're having fun bothering them. What's more, smiling will make people wonder why you're smiling, now that you're on their mind, when usually you probably aren't
Step 5. Get out and meet people
Talk to someone you never imagined would be involved in a conversation with you. Try to find people who share your interests and interests and plan to talk to them. At one time or another, you will be in the middle of a group of people. Express your agreement even if it's just a very basic statement (or supports someone else's opinion). Get involved. This is the only way to develop yourself.
The longer it takes, the easier it will be. Do you remember when you learned to drive or ride a bicycle, didn't it feel hard the first time? Same with social interactions, you just need a lot of practice. After a while, you'll be able to say "been there before, been there." No more disturbing feelings. Hurray
Step 6. Record your success and move on
In the notebook where you previously listed your triggers, write down your successes. Seeing the progress you make is motivation to keep going. In a few weeks, you'll be amazed at how you can control this, convincing you that you can get over your shyness. Extraordinary.
No time limit. For some, this success will be as instantaneous as turning on a light. For others, this effort can take up to 6 months. If you need a long time, just go for it. Believe in yourself. You can do it
- Remember that shyness is an emotion, not a permanent personality. You have the power to change shame with willpower and action.
- "Fake it until it works" is a good motto. Keep pretending to be confident and after some time you will realize that you have become confident. But keep in mind that pushing yourself too hard into a situation you feel uncomfortable with only adds to the problem. You can learn to reduce shyness and social anxiety and at least you can get to a level of semi-comfort.
- Fear and excitement have the same compound, adrenaline. When you focus on the positive aspects of an event, talk, activity, etc., and think of the tension you are feeling in anticipation, you can turn your fear into an excitement that makes you enjoy it. Many sociable and sociable people go into public with the same tension as you, but they encourage them and share them with others. Stage fright can turn into a star appearance if you turn your adrenaline switch.
- Say "yes" to many things. At first it will be difficult. Start small, like greeting a classmate or something. When you do something you don't do often, you can have a good time. Plus, you feel good about yourself for having the courage to do it.
- Volunteer, or join a club or social group! Join a club you are interested in and you will meet people who share the same interests. This is a great way to make friends.
- Know that to some extent, almost everyone has a sense of shame. The difference is in the level of embarrassment felt. You can increase your confidence by practicing your speaking skills and coming up with new topics to talk about.
- Don't speak in a hurry. Speaking slowly gives you time to think about what to say, and it can also make your words feel fuller.
- Make a list of the things you love about yourself and post it on the wall. Maybe seeing him before you leave each day will spark your confidence.
- Overcome stage fright by imagining you are someone else, like a celebrity you admire. Imagine yourself as that person until you feel confident on stage.
- There's nothing wrong with being shy, but there's nothing wrong with being sociable either!
- Don't be afraid to seek professional help; group counseling, individual counseling, and therapy can help. Sometimes it's more than a shame, and it's really important to know the difference. Social Anxiety Disorder is often equated with "extreme shyness," so determine which one you are.
- If you were shy as a child, you don't have to remain shy today. You are yourself. Be what you want to be, and since you're here, I'm sure you don't want to be embarrassed anymore.
- Join a self-defense class, you may be asked to demonstrate kicks or punches.
- If you are known to be shy among family and friends, watch out for harmless ridicule. Some of them may not be comfortable seeing you as different from the one they knew before, in their minds. Ignore it. They mean well, but don't let them bring you back to the shell that locked you in before!
- Sometimes shyness is just a phase, many people become more confident and open as they get older. Don't try to change yourself unless being shy really makes you unhappy, you'll likely be able to change yourself over time.
- Often times, shame is only in your mind, you don't have to feel ashamed, take a deep breath. Keep your head up.