Shame is one of the most devastating and disturbing emotions that humans can experience. Shame occurs when a person feels bad about himself, in comparison to the ideal standard of self and society. Shame can lead people to engage in self-injurious and risky actions, such as alcohol and drug abuse. Shyness can also cause physical and emotional problems, including body aches, depression, low self-esteem, anxiety. However, you can completely avoid this path by trying to let go of shame and respect yourself and your contribution to the world. Remember, you are much more than anything you may ever do, say, or feel.
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Part 1 of 2: Letting Go of Shame
Step 1. Don't chase perfection
Trying to be perfect in any part of life is an unrealistic expectation. This attitude traps us into feeling inferior and even embarrassed when we don't achieve something good. The idea of perfection is a social construction of media and society which suggests that we can be perfect if we look, act, and think in a certain way. However, the reality is not like this.
- We all have these ideas because of pressure from society and the media, namely about what we "should" do and who we "should" reflect. Let go of all these beliefs and try not to instill in the word "should" be. "should" statements indicate that there is something you must do or think about. If not, there is something wrong with you.
- Setting very high standards that you cannot meet will only create a cycle of shame and low self-esteem.
Step 2. Avoid “digesting”
The "digestion" of negative feelings can lead to an unnaturally high level of shame and self-loathing. Research shows that "digesting" shame can lead to depression, social anxiety, and even an increase in blood pressure.
- Generally, people tend to "digest" things that happen to them in a social context, such as a public presentation or appearance, rather than personal experiences, such as an argument with a partner. This is because more or less we really care about other people's opinions and worry that we will embarrass ourselves in front of them. Then, we become ingrained and trapped in negative thoughts and humiliating ourselves.
- However, remember: "digestion," while it's easy to trap you, can't really solve anything or improve the situation. In fact, this trap would only make things worse.
Step 3. Love yourself
If you feel you are in danger of “digesting”, develop self-love and be kind to it. Be a friend to yourself. Instead of being self-deprecating and negative (for example, "I'm stupid and worthless"), treat yourself like you would a friend or someone you love. You need self-observation as well as the ability to hold your impulses and realize that you're not going to let a friend say bad things about themselves. Research shows that self-love brings several benefits, such as mental health, increased life satisfaction, and reduced self-criticism, among other benefits.
- Try writing a diary. When you feel like "digesting," write a loving paragraph to express awareness of your sense of self, but also acknowledge that you are only a human being who deserves love and support. In fact, this short activity, which may only take 10 minutes, can actually make a positive difference.
- Develop a mantra or habit that you can use when you feel trapped in a feeling of self-blame. Try placing your hands on your chest and saying, "May I be kind and kind to myself. May my mind and heart be at peace." In this way, you are expressing your care and concern for yourself.
Step 4. Don't focus solely on the past
For many, shame makes them paralyzed in the present. They will feel anxious, afraid, depressed, and worthless. However, remember that the past is beyond repair; You cannot change or cancel it. What you can do is choose how the past affects your view of the present and future. Let go of shame while working to improve your life.
- Change and transformation is always possible. This is the greatness of man. You are not tied to your past for life.
- Remember that life speaks in the long run. You are always able to bounce back from difficult times.
Step 5. Show flexibility
Try to avoid responding to self-experiences in a "don't be partial" thinking or judgmental style. This type of thinking only creates tension between the expectations we dream for ourselves and what is actually possible. Life is not only black and white, it also contains gray areas. Realize that there are no true "rules" for life, and that people act and think in different ways. We all have our own variations of "rules".
Be more open, generous, and flexible about the world, and try to avoid judging others. Developing a more open attitude about how we view society and the people in it will reflect in the way we think about ourselves. Over time, you may be able to let go of some of the harsh judgments that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and shame
Step 6. Unleash the influence of others
If you have negative thoughts, there may be people around you who have been growing them for a long time about you. These people may even include close family and friends. To let go of your shyness and move on with your life, get rid of "toxic" people who will only demotivate you rather than motivate you.
Think of other people's negative statements as a weight of 10 kg. This burden will only make it harder for you to get up. Break free from this and remember that other people cannot define you as a person. You are the one who has the right to do it
Step 7. Develop the mind of awareness
Research shows that therapy based on mindful thinking can promote self-acceptance and reduce shyness. Mindful thinking is a technique that invites you to learn to observe emotions without feeling overly depressed. In other words, this means that you open yourself up to experiences in non-reactive behaviors, instead of trying to avoid them.
- The principle of mindfulness is that you have to admit and experience the shame before you can let it go. Mindful thinking is not easy, because it means you have to be aware of the negative self-talk, which often accompanies shame, such as blaming yourself, comparing yourself to others, etc. However, your job here is to acknowledge and recognize the shame without getting stuck or giving in to those emotions that may arise.
- Try to find a quiet place to practice mindfulness. Sit relaxed and focus on your breathing. Count the inhalation and exhalation. Your mind will certainly eventually wander. When this happens, don't beat yourself up, but pay attention to how you feel. Don't judge your feelings; just be aware. Try focusing on your breathing again, because this is how mindfulness therapy works.
- By acknowledging but not focusing on your thoughts and letting them dominate you, you are learning to deal with negative feelings without actually trying to change them. In other words, you change your relationship to your thoughts and feelings. Some people find that by doing this, their thoughts and emotions change for the better.
Step 8. Promote self-acceptance
Accept the things you can't change about yourself. You are who you are, and this fact is fine. Several studies show that self-acceptance can help people break the cycle of shame and move on with life in more functional ways.
- You have to accept that you can't change the past or go back in time. You have to accept yourself in the present.
- Acceptance also involves acknowledging adversity and showing self-awareness that you are capable of dealing with distressing feelings in the present. For example, say, "I know I feel uncomfortable right now, but I can accept it because I know that emotions will come and go. I can work on leaving them."
Part 2 of 2: Developing Self-Esteem
Step 1. Focus on the positive
Instead of spending time feeling ashamed about not being able to live up to the standards of others or yourself, focus on all of your accomplishments and accomplishments. You will see that there is much to be proud of and able to offer to the world as well as to yourself.
- Consider writing down all of your accomplishments, positive traits, or things you like about yourself, as well as ways you can help others. You can write in a freestyle or list a variety of different categories. Think of this practice as something that never ends; always add things to this list, like when you graduate school, save a puppy, or win an award. Also focus on the things that make you happy about yourself; maybe you love your smile or are very goal-motivated.
- Come back to this list whenever you have doubts or feel like you can't answer a challenge. Remembering all the things you've done and moving on will help in developing a more positive self-image.
Step 2. Offer help to others
There is significant research showing that people who help others or volunteer have a higher sense of self-worth than those who don't. This may sound absurd, helping others make you feel better, but science shows that building relationships with others will increase positive feelings about yourself.
- Plus, helping people also makes us happier! You will also make a real difference in his world. Not only will you be happier, but he will too.
- There are so many opportunities to engage with others and make a difference. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Offer to coach a children's sports team in the holiday season. Replace a friend who needs help and create a save-able dish. Volunteer at your local animal shelter.
Step 3. Give daily affirmations
Affirmations are positive statements meant to build confidence and support you. Offering positive affirmations every day serves to restore a sense of self-worth, as well as increase self-love. After all, you probably won't treat your friends in the same way as yourself; instead you will sympathize if they express feelings of guilt or shame. Do the same for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take time each day to say aloud, write, or think about affirmations each day. Some examples include:
- "I'm a good person. I deserve the best even though I've done some bad things in the past".
- "I made mistakes and learned from them".
- "There's a lot I can offer this world. I'm valuable to myself and to others."
Step 4. Recognize the difference between opinion and fact
For most people, separating opinion from fact may be difficult. A fact is a statement that something cannot be denied, while an opinion is something you think is based on facts but is not.
- For example, "I'm 17 years old" is a fact. You were born 17 years ago and have a birth certificate to prove it. This fact is undeniable. However, a saying like "I'm stupid for my age" is not an opinion, even if you offer evidence to confirm it, such as being unable to drive or not working. However, if you think more carefully about these opinions, you can evaluate them more critically. You may not be able to drive because your parents worked too hard and didn't have time to teach you how to drive, or couldn't sign you up for driving lessons. You may not have a job because you spend time after school taking care of a sibling.
- Thinking more carefully about the opinions you have will help to realize that negative opinions can usually be reexamined in more detail.
Step 5. Appreciate your uniqueness
When you compare yourself to others, you are cheating yourself by not appreciating their individuality. Remember, you are a unique person and have a lot to offer the world. Leave the shame behind and shine like your destiny.
- Focus on the strengths of your individuality and the neat things that make you who you are, instead of hiding behind social recognition. You may enjoy wearing a mix of unique clothes in various patterns when presenting yourself. You may want to enter the X-Factor Indonesia competition. Or, you may be a master at building things by hand. Appreciate these aspects and don't hide them; You may be surprised (and impressed yourself!) at the kinds of innovations that practice can bring. After all, Alan Turing, Steve Jobs, and Thomas Edison, were unique individuals who helped them develop amazing discoveries and contributions.
- You never HAVE to look like everyone else, be interested in the same hobbies, or follow the same life path. For example, not everyone has to follow current fashion or music trends, or get married at 30 and have kids. These things are just the product of the media and society, but they are not the real truth. Do whatever feels best to you and makes you feel comfortable. Remember, the only person who should feel good about yourself is you. Make peace with yourself and not with others, because you have to live with them.
Step 6. Surround yourself with social support
Almost all humans benefit from social and emotional support, be it family, friends, co-workers, and other people in their networks. It is useful to talk and strategize with others about the problems and issues we face. Surprisingly, social support actually makes us able to deal with problems on our own independently, because it will increase our sense of self-worth.
- Research has consistently shown the relationship between social support and self-esteem, for example, when people believe they have social support, their sense of self-worth and self-confidence will also increase. So, if you feel supported by the people around you, you will feel better about yourself and better able to cope with negative feelings and pressures.
- Know that there is no one-size-fits-all mentality when it comes to social support. Some people choose to have only a few close friends to rely on, while others let go of the net and get support from neighbors or their respective church and religious communities.
- Look for people you trust and can maintain a code of confidentiality. Remember, don't rely on someone who can make you feel worse about yourself, even if they don't mean to.
- Social support can also be channeled in various forms in this modern world. If you're worried about having to speak in person, you can connect with family members and friends or meet new people via social media, video chat apps, and email.
Step 7. Consult a mental health professional
If you're having trouble increasing your self-esteem and/or feel that shame is affecting your mental and physical functioning, make an appointment with a counselor, psychologist, or other mental health professional.
- In many cases, the therapist can help develop useful strategies for enhancing self-image. Remember, sometimes people can't handle everything on their own. More importantly, therapy has been shown to have a significant effect on increasing self-esteem and quality of life.
- In addition, a therapist can help you deal with other mental health issues that may arise as a cause or consequence of shame and low self-esteem, including depression and anxiety.
- Recognize that asking for help is a sign of strength, not personal failure or weakness.
