The term “male ego” has been thrown around a lot in popular discourse, often without a clear definition. To understand how men's egos shape their behavior and thoughts, we must look at how it is socially shaped. In other words, much of what we think of as the “male ego” is based on old assumptions and stereotypes about masculinity and masculinity that have social meaning and are largely integrated into most men unconsciously.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Understanding the Relationship between Personal Self and Society
Step 1. Understand what "male ego" means
From the studies of psychologists and psychotherapists in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, the ego can be defined as the personal self. In Latin, "ego" means "I". The ego is the part of the mind that is responsible for acting as a “mediator” between the forces and impulses of the superego (our conscious and ideal self) and the id (the part responsible for meeting basic needs). The ego operates in reality, and is also responsible for mediating our needs and how to fulfill them in our own environment. The ego maintains relations with others, reconciling the impulses of the id and superego with the outside world. Many psychologists have their own theory of ego which is based on Sigmund Freud's explanation of the ego.
In other words, the male ego is not only a reflection of the personal self, but also a cultural definition of masculinity and ideas about how men should think and act. Therefore, male identity is shaped by social influences. After all, humans are social creatures
Step 2. Understand that gender roles are socially shaped
In trying to understand the male ego, we must understand that gender roles develop and function in society. Gender roles shape the way people think and behave. Gender roles are a set of beliefs and actions that develop in a specific cultural context and are associated with a particular gender (male or female). These roles help differentiate between the sexes so that there is a difference in the way men and women perceive them. By having these specific gender roles, some individuals can function better in certain social contexts while others struggle.
To understand a man's ego, you must understand that society shapes men's expectations of themselves. This is important because many men have developed ways of dealing with these social demands. In many cases, men are not even aware of how society affects them. For example, most men don't really know how they became sports fans or think that blue, green, and gray are male colors while pink and purple are female colors
Step 3. Learn the basic characteristics of the socially shaped male ego
The male ego is driven by recognition, attention, and action. Men are assumed to be more active beings who do important things (such as political leaders, soldiers, scientists, etc.) and who deserve attention from others. In this vision of the male ego, men are driven by physical strength, sex drive, and evolutionary biology as competitors for women's attention to be competitive, strive for greatness and power, and not to show emotion and weakness.
For example, in most societies, the gender role of men is usually understood and described as active, as opposed to passive. Men are brave, strong, competitive, independent, and stable (as opposed to women who are passive, emotional, weak, and more socially oriented). Another example, men are expected not to show emotion. Do you remember the phrase "men shouldn't cry"? Men need to be manly and strong when it comes to personal problems, such as loss, grief, and grief
Step 4. Realize that not all men feel comfortable behaving like this standard gender norm
Many men feel conflicted about being a certain type of man. For example, what about men who are not attracted to women when heterosexuality is still considered the norm in today's society? Or, what about men who love pedicures and facials, things that are considered “girl” or feminine habits?
It is important to know how men feel and respond to social expectations about how men "should" behave and think because every man is different
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with the Male Ego
Step 1. Consider how social expectations shape the way men handle emotions
All men and women have emotions although the way to show it is different. Men who don't show much emotion still have emotions, but the social conditioning they've learned has taught them not to show much emotion or to show nothing at all.
- This is why your partner may remain stoic when someone important to them dies.
- Since it's more acceptable to show anger, in a sad situation a man is more likely to get angry.
- If your partner has a confusing reaction, keep this social conditioning in mind to understand the reaction. He has emotions, but he has been taught not to show them because they are considered a sign of weakness.
Step 2. Learn to recognize emotional stress
Men are usually taught to suppress their emotions, while that's not always the most productive way to deal with them. Suppressing emotions can break the connection between emotions and thoughts. This means that men may not know how they really feel. Men must learn to express emotions because suppressing them can have both physical and psychological effects.
- Due to suppressed emotions, your partner may not be able to discuss his feelings. If he's willing to learn to express his emotions with you, you should know that this will take time and practice.
- Realize that suppressing emotions is not just a male trait. Women can also suppress emotions. Women also have to learn to express emotions in a productive way. Just because women are thought to be better able to express emotions doesn't mean it's always true. Humans are not born with the knowledge to express emotions in a productive and efficient way. Expressing emotions is a skill that must be learned, for both men and women.
Step 3. Challenge age-old stereotypes about men and masculinity
Unlike the old saying, men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. Men and women are actually more alike than most people are willing to admit. In fact, many scientists today prefer discussing gender differences on a broad continuum of possibilities, as opposed to a clear distinction between the two.
It is important here not to make assumptions about men and to anticipate their behavior according to the normally expected gender roles and expressions. Don't assume that a guy likes sports, or that he likes beer and hates the “women's movies” that are common stereotypes about men. Instead, get to know your partner as an individual, not based on your general knowledge of men. After all, your partner is a human being just like you and he or she has their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs
Step 4. Try to empathize
Try to understand your partner's background if he or she does something that surprises or annoys you. Women also often feel pressure to fulfill prescriptive roles about how to behave and be feminine. Instead of giving up, you might want to show empathy and understanding. In some cases, men don't mean to bow to the ego, but it just happens because the way they behave is socially conditioned.
- For example, if a guy interrupts a conversation to say that he doesn't think professional women's sports are worth watching, don't just blame the comment for being driven by a man's ego. Try to understand that he lives in a world that does NOT value women's sports as much as men's sports. In many ways, this attitude is not surprising, both men and women have been taught by society that professional men's sports are more important than women's sports. The problem may not be with men as individuals, but society as a whole and its views on men, women and gender roles.
- Empathy can be an important step in transformational efforts. Once you empathize that a man's behavior is influenced by social expectations and norms, you can begin to open up discussions to challenge the process. For example, you could start a conversation about why we don't value female athletes as much as we value male athletes in major sports. What social cues have led us to think that women's sports are not seen as important enough, such as news coverage, salaries, etc.?
- Empathy can also be exercised by checking your first reaction when your boyfriend, father, or other male friends and relatives don't behave according to gender stereotypes. For example, if a guy says he really enjoys watching ballet, your instincts based on conventional gender norms might find that a bit "feminine" and not so manly. It's a good idea to check these reactions and remember that you too may be part of the problem validating a man's ego.
Step 5. Know his sense of humor
Studies show that both men and women use humor as a way of complicating identities as male and female, and experimenting with boundaries between the two. What is interesting, however, is how humor works for both men and women in justifying their gender roles in society. While some men may prefer jokes that reinforce traditional gender stereotypes, such as those that position women as inferior, other men may otherwise challenge those stereotypes by mocking how men traditionally perceive themselves as superior. The way a man jokes about masculinity and the conventional stereotypes that apply to both men and women in his culture can reveal a lot about his personality and willingness to follow those stereotypes, most of which recent scientific research suggests are outdated.
If he makes a lot of jokes about demeaning women and portraying men as superior, you will have a hard time breaking down the male ego that is attached to him. The first step is to have an earnest discussion about the unfunnyness of such a joke and ask why he made it up. The hope is that he will realize that the joke isn't funny and he just does it because everyone else does it. If you can make a guy aware of his behavior and pay attention to what he's doing with barely conscious motives, you may be able to help him become more aware of what he's saying and doing
Step 6. Get closer and be more affectionate
The closer you are to a man, the more likely you are to separate him personally from the social expectations placed on him. However, you have to remember that this will take time because most guys won't just open up. Like most relationships, be it love or friendship, intimacy takes time. However, as the relationship develops and the two of you begin to discuss deeper topics of interests and worldviews, he may be able to let go of the gender scenario.
- Talk and get to know each other. Share personal details about your past, stories that reveal who you were, how you grew up, and what made you who you are today. Ask him to do the same, you may be surprised by his honesty and how the layers of his manly male ego slowly begin to fade and reveal his true self. Perhaps he will admit that he cried when he watched Ayat-Ayat Cinta or hated sports leagues, two things that are not traditionally associated with masculinity.
- In other words, as he feels more trusting and open with you, he may be more candid about his ambivalence in the various aspects of the gender roles he has to play. This frankness serves as another means of bringing about closer communication.
Part 3 of 3: Understanding Yourself as a Man
Step 1. Understand the concept of gender role pressure
Gender role stress is the stress and anxiety associated with gender roles when those roles cannot be adequately or appropriately fulfilled. There are three main types of pressure:
- Mismatch Pressure. This occurs when a man fails to adhere to typical gender norms. For example, a man is depressed and decides to seek help. This is incompatible with the idea that “men must be strong”.
- Traumatic Pressure. It occurs when a man experiences a traumatic life event during the social process of becoming a real man. For example, a man experiencing depression is partly related to his manly and very strict father who teaches that “men shouldn't cry”.
- Dysfunction Pressure. This occurs when a man fulfills a gender role that is harmful or causes harm. For example, if a man does not seek treatment for his depression based on the idea that he does not need help, his depression is likely to continue and may get worse.
Step 2. Realize that the pressures of gender roles can have a negative impact on men's lives
As a man, you may be under pressure to adhere to ideals of masculinity. Movies, TV, magazines, and even the people around you give you clues about how you should behave as a man. But what happens when you don't live up to those expectations? What does this inability to meet these qualifications have to do with who you really are? Social expectations about how to be a man can be very dangerous and undermine your self-esteem and self-image. In some cases, these harmful effects are even worse. Some men try to deal with stress with unhealthy habits, such as substance abuse, running from reality, and engaging in crime.
- For example, eating disorders have become increasingly prevalent among men due to social pressure that men must have a fit, athletic, and toned body. Men who do not have this “perfect” body type have low self-esteem and in turn punish their bodies for not being perfect.
- Note that because self-reliance is part of a man's ego, men often don't seek the help they really need.
Step 3. Face society's social expectations
Because social expectations for men are so high, men must find ways to cope with the pressure. Most men cope with social expectations and gender role pressures in one of three ways:
- Change yourself to meet social expectations. Changing self-identity is not easy, and in many cases, men do it to benefit from meeting social expectations. For men, these benefits are enormous, including acceptance from other men, increased self-esteem, and increased social status.
- Reject social expectations. In this case, men who disobey social pressures can experience negative consequences, such as rejection from other men, a decrease in status, and less social and romantic relationships. For that reason, most men don't choose this option and instead find it easier to try to adhere to traditional gender norms and then cope with the stress of nonconformity (which is not always in a healthy way).
- Changing social expectations. While this is an ideal choice and an action that can make a positive difference in society, it is also a difficult step. Gender norms are entrenched in society and changing them is not an easy job. However, in the past there have been successes as demonstrated by the growing acceptance of homosexuality and transgender individuals.
Step 4. Build strength
In general, men have few choices when it comes to gender expression. The options are few and some of the ones outlined above don't sound appealing to most men either. However, one thing that men can do to deal with social expectations is to build on the strengths of gender socialization. Some qualities of the male ego that can cause trouble for a man can also be opportunities and strengths.
- For example, in crisis or emergency situations and in certain types of work, the ability to “remain calm” and “keep a cool head” is highly valued. Such abilities are very useful in jobs such as emergency room nurses to leaders of large companies. It is also a valuable ability in life that helps care for and support others such as parents, friends, and community members.
- The main challenge here is to value the knowledge and skills that are integral to the male ego but not to make it the sole way to act. For example, while the ability to remain calm and not allow emotions to take over control is very useful, in other situations, they are also important to show and express. So try to accept some of the strengths of the male gender role without submitting to it completely or without criticism.
Step 5. Define your identity as a man
Remember that gender identity can adapt to what you want. YOU can choose. Maybe you want to take certain aspects that society has shaped about masculinity and reject others, maybe you'll continue to love sports and wearing pants (but not wearing dresses), but you can also choose to be a stay-at-home husband to take care of the family. (a position generally assumed to be taken by women in domestic relations).
- You grow up and become entangled in the society you live in. Even if you position most aspects of yourself based on that social influence, you don't have to start from scratch. In fact, it is basically impossible because the idea of gender roles is deeply embedded in all aspects of society.
- However, knowing more about gender roles as a result of social construction can make you more aware of your own thoughts and behavior. You can apply the aspects of the male ego that you think can improve yourself (such as focusing on goals or leadership), and ignore the male ego that jeopardizes the comfort of your life and that of others, such as the need to dominate others or perceive emotions as weaknesses.
Step 6. Find a counselor
If you feel the pressure between what society expects of you and who you really are is getting too heavy and is starting to have a detrimental effect on your well-being, you should seek out a counsellor. A counselor can help with issues that are bothering you, and may be able to help you live a happier life.
