You have a boyfriend, you like him, and he seems worth keeping. So now what? Relationships between individuals are as diverse as the individuals in them, but there are things you can do to develop those relationships. Important things include: don't panic and learn to be a genuine and caring partner by developing open communication, physical and emotional closeness, and good boundaries.
Step
Part 1 of 7: Open and Effective Communication
Step 1. Ask for your requirements
This applies to everything from emotional to physical needs. Don't assume your boyfriend knows what your wants or needs are-that's unrealistic and unproductive expectations that will lead to unfounded disappointment.
Expecting your partner to know instinctively what you want is a common and preventable source of tension in a relationship. If you want your boyfriend to be involved in your life, first communicate your feelings and needs to him honestly
Step 2. Don't assume you know what he's thinking
But just ask. Just as you don't want to read his mind, don't wait for him to read yours (because he probably can't).
When asking your boyfriend about his thoughts and feelings, try your best to be respectful and patient. Don't be confrontational and accusatory, because it will only make your partner lazy to talk
Step 3. Be genuinely attracted to her and let her be just as interested in you
Get into the habit of having intimate conversations where you can open up to each other and give yourself a chance to be a little vulnerable.
- Be open about your goals and dreams.
- Talk about your past, both good and bad.
- Share things that have meaning to you-maybe songs, books, souvenirs, etc.
Step 4. Use a specific and concrete communication style, both in everyday conversations and in more serious conversations
- For example, instead of asking, “how was your day?” ask more specific questions that might elicit a response, such as “what was the best part of your day?” or “what makes you smile?”
- This is important when discussing your needs. Don't be vague, be specific. Instead of saying, "I wish you listened to me more," say, "I really want you to ask me about my day." The more specific you are, the more likely you are to get a positive result.
Step 5. Talk to each other regularly about your relationship
Get into the habit of sitting down together and discussing what worked and what didn't.
Determine beforehand that this will be an open but respectful and caring conversation. If something isn't going right on either side, you should agree not to accuse or blame the other but to explain your feelings and offer soft suggestions for change and compromise
Part 2 of 7: Maintaining Physical Closeness
Step 1. Maintain physical closeness
Physical touch-kissing, hugging, holding hands, hugging, and having sex (if the relationship involves sex)-is important for closeness in a relationship.
It's common for couples to start losing physical intimacy after the initial infatuation phase wears off, so it's important to pay attention to it, especially after you've been dating for a long time
Step 2. Discuss what physical closeness means to the two of you
Often, partners have different ways of expressing physical closeness, and it's important that both of you know and pay attention to the other's needs.
Step 3. Teach each other how you want to be touched and make it a part of your regular interactions
Knowing what your boyfriend likes-and vice versa-will help you both feel deeply connected to each other.
Step 4. Never feel compelled to have sex or be physically intimate if you are unwilling or uncomfortable in the situation
Agree to communicate openly with each other about physical closeness and to respect each other's expectations if either party expresses disapproval.
Step 5. Don't put the responsibility of initiating physical contact on one partner (unless it's a form of interaction that you both enjoy)
Get involved in the physical aspects of the relationship.
Part 3 of 7: Maintaining Emotional Closeness
Step 1. Get to know his friends
However, know that you are under no obligation to like them all. Find friends you can get to know and hang out with as friends-and ask your boyfriend to reciprocate, too.
- If you don't like some of his friends, don't ask him to end the friendship with his friends unless you have a reason to be concerned (destructive or harassing behavior, etc.). If you don't like all of his friends, you two need to sit down and talk honestly about how to compromise.
- Also talk about the possibility of allowing each other to get together with each other's friends separately. Maintaining a strong friendship in a relationship is important and healthy for both of you.
Step 2. Be emotionally generous-with him and with yourself
- Do your best to make sure that you love and appreciate your boyfriend and want your relationship to be smooth sailing. Ask for the same if you feel you don't receive it.
- Don't play games and don't fool yourself. Be honest and forthright with your feelings. Ask him to do the same.
- Forgive him and yourself if he admits his mistakes honestly.
- Assume he is right. When problems arise, don't immediately suspect your partner. If, for example, your boyfriend shows up late, don't immediately assume he's cheating on you or doesn't respect you or wants to hurt you. But, honestly ask him why he's late, and, if you have no other reason not to believe it, accept his reasons. Of course, if he has a bad behavior pattern and you have good reason to be suspicious, don't ignore those reasons and talk to him about it.
Step 3. Don't cheat or try to make your boyfriend jealous
There's no doubt about that, but never cheat or try to play with your partner's feelings.
- If you're so attracted to another person that you really feel like you have to live with that person, discuss the possibility of an alternative relationship with your boyfriend or end the relationship first.
- If you feel like you're getting distracted or feel like making her jealous, have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself and then with her about what you're not getting out of the relationship.
Part 4 of 7: Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
Step 1. Maintain good boundaries
Recognize and appreciate that you are-and should remain-two unique people. Don't try to control every aspect of his life, and don't let him dominate every aspect of yours. Respect and admire each other's sovereignty.
Step 2. Allow each other to have private space
Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to have true passions, tastes, and friends, which is probably a bad idea. Respect each other's differences and allow time to attend to each other's interests.
Step 3. Be open with each other about the meaning of “time outs”
Talk to him about how long and what kind of alone time you both need.
- Remember that your needs may differ and be willing to talk about them and compromise if necessary.
- Make sure that you both understand what you want from time alone and make sure that you both understand what that time means to your partner. Don't let yourself feel that “time to be alone” means “he doesn't want to be around me” when, to him, it might mean something different-it will only result in unnecessary pain and misunderstanding.
Part 5 of 7: Dealing with Disputes
Step 1. Know that disagreements will occur and don't panic
Disputes are a natural part of human relationships, and need not be destructive. If you learn to fight constructively, disagreements can even strengthen relationships.
Step 2. When a dispute occurs, dispute it while respecting each other
As difficult as it is to think clearly when emotions are running high, remember that how you react will determine whether the disagreement will help or damage the relationship.
Step 3. Take a break if the argument gets heated or stressful
Take time to reflect on each other for as long as agreed and return to communicating when you have had time to calm down. Meditation allows emotions to subside and allows both of you to recognize what's upsetting you both. Sometimes, it's not what you think when the dispute escalates.
Step 4. Learn to ask yourself how you really feel
Often when we fight, we just allow ourselves to react to the immediate events and deal with the emotions on the surface (annoyance, anger, etc.). But in most cases what makes us angry or upset is not-or not just-the immediate event but what lies behind it: fear, loneliness, worry, sadness, hurt, and so on.
Think about what's behind your current irritation to find out what exactly triggered the feeling-past pain or an underlying fear, for example-and try to identify what's really upsetting you. Once you identify the real problem, communicate honestly with your partner
Step 5. Know that there may be some things that you will never agree on, but if they are not crucial, it's okay to leave them alone
You don't have to agree on everything, and it's a good habit to respectfully agree to disagree.
Remember the difference between important and unimportant differences; it's okay to disagree about which restaurant sells the best hamburgers; disagreeing about, for example, how to communicate respect is an issue that needs to be discussed
Step 6. When you need to apologize-and we all do eventually-be sincere and kind
If you make an insincere or unconcerned apology such as, "sorry if you think that's the case" or "sorry you don't understand me." However, be sincere and show empathy; You might say, for example, “I'm sorry I hurt you. That time I didn't mean to hurt you, and I will try not to hurt you again."
Part 6 of 7: Respecting Him As An Individual
Step 1. Give him your full attention when you are with him
Give your partner your full attention and be an active listener (see How to Listen Actively). And ask him to do the same.
To keep your emotional closeness healthy, you both need to pay attention to each other
Step 2. Respect your boyfriend's feelings
When your boyfriend approaches you to let go or complain about his feelings, know that he appreciates your presence for him and that his emotions are vulnerable. Appreciate his familiarity and listen actively and attentively.
Step 3. Accept your boyfriend's differences from you
Don't try to force him to fulfill the requirements in the exact same way you want him to. Open up to her real self and learn how to support each other in your own way; Don't try to force each other to be someone else.
Just as you would want to believe that your partner should fulfill all your expectations, it's not in keeping with the natural instincts of how humans-or human relationships-work
Step 4. Don't go into a relationship hoping to change him
It's natural to let him know your needs and wants and expect him to make an effort to fulfill them. But it's not realistic or healthy to expect him to be a different person.
Part 7 of 7: Respecting Yourself As An Individual
Step 1. Believe in yourself
Don't seek out a boyfriend or get into a relationship to make you feel wanted or appreciated-that's a guarantee of failure.
The more confident you are in yourself, the more attractive you will be to your boyfriend and to people in general. Humans are able to sense when others feel insecure or insincere, and that tends to be a factor that reduces a person's worth, which is universally applicable
Step 2. Assess yourself, not just the relationship
It will inevitably leave you dissatisfied because no one can truly make you feel valued-that's something only you can do.
When you put too much ego in a relationship, you place your value in something that isn't about you-relationships are about two people learning to, yes, relate to each other. Not only is it unreasonable to view relationships as a reflection of your own ego, but it will eventually turn on yourself and lead to dependence on others to feel yourself
Step 3. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally-don't rely on your boyfriend to do it
While she is able and, hopefully, will provide additional love and support, she can't-and shouldn't-bear all the weight of your physical and emotional needs.
- Take time to take care of yourself physically, whether bathing, going to the gym, learning self-defense, playing with the dog, exercising, and so on. When you are physically fit, you will naturally be more confident and less dependent on others, an element that is very attractive to everyone, and especially to a partner.
- Take time to take care of yourself emotionally. Ask yourself how you feel, apart from your boyfriend. If you don't take care of your own emotional health, it will soon have a bad impact on your relationship.
Suggestions
- Don't try to control him or your relationship. A good relationship is between two people who spend their days together loving each other and being emotionally generous.
- It's a cliché, but it's real-don't mind the little things. If it's not a big problem, don't make it big.
- Surprise her with a sincere compliment, gift, or occasional gesture.
- Don't complicate things that aren't complicated. In other words, don't overthink.
- Keep your word and keep your promise.
- Let him take care of you once in a while. If you're sick, let him take care of you at the bedside, and let him know that you appreciate his care.
- Know and appreciate the extraordinary aspects, big and small, of who he is. Enjoy him as a human!
