Keeping the conversation going on the phone with your boyfriend can be daunting, especially if you're not used to long conversations on the phone. You may have a hard time knowing how to respond without visual cues like facial expressions and body language, or to think of a topic to talk about when you feel like you don't have much to say. But talking to your boyfriend doesn't have to be a scary experience. In fact, with a little bit of information and a good attitude, you yourself will be looking forward to it.
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Method 1 of 3: Finding Things to Talk about
Step 1. Ask lots of questions
This is the most important part of having a good conversation with anyone, from your boyfriend, to your grandpa, to the kid next door. People usually like to talk about themselves as a rule of thumb, and if you open the door to the conversation, most people will join in. Try to ask more open-ended questions and avoid questions with yes or no answers. The goal is to ask questions that will naturally lead to the conversation, not to bombard him with interview questions.
- Ask about the day. This is the obvious part to start a conversation with. When simply asked, “How was your day?” many of us instantly automatically respond to “Fine, thanks,” without even thinking about it. This will probably not refer to any conversation. Try to ask something more specific, like, "Did you do anything interesting today?" or “Did you make it to the office before the storm hit this morning?” This may not lead to an interesting conversation, but it will make it easier for both of you to have a conversation.
- Ask about shared interests and knowledge. This is a good way to introduce a subject that the two of you can talk about, but still package it as a question. Try asking her about her thoughts on the last episode of a TV show you both liked, or if she's read a recent interview with both of your favorite writers, or if she's seen so-and-so lately.
- Ask for support or input. It's important to offer your boyfriend a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on when he needs it, but if he feels like you never need his support instead, he'll start to feel like a burden. No one wants to date an emotionless robot who never needs help. Don't invent a cook if there's no problem, but if you're having trouble with something, don't be afraid to be vulnerable and turn to it for input or approval.
- Ask him what he wanted to be when he was 7 years old. This is a slightly unusual question. This will show him that you are interested in learning more about him, and give you some new perspectives.
Step 2. Share anecdotes from your day
If something really funny or interesting happened to you today, tell him about it. It's easy to tell him how to complain about a frustrating situation when you do this, so try to make sure that you're not just making complaints.
Step 3. Make or discuss a plan
Think of interesting things the two of you can do this week. If you already have plans, say how excited you are to go to the concert, or share a review you read about the show you're going to see. This will make him happy too, and make him feel like an important part of your life.
Step 4. Share your goals and aspirations
You can't monopolize the conversation, but no one likes dating someone who doesn't have ambition. Tell him about some of your hopes and dreams.
Step 5. Gossip
This is a small part of your conversation, and you should avoid anything too brutal or personal, but this topic can be dangerous if you go ahead. There aren't many people who can stop themselves from indulging in gossip from time to time.
Step 6. Follow up
Asking him to tell you more about something he said will tell him you're interested. This will also prolong the conversation of a subject, and help you avoid the need to rush to a new topic.
Method 2 of 3: Empathic Listening
Step 1. Try to understand him
Empathic listening is also known as “active listening” or “thinking listening”. It refers to a way of listening and responding which above all asks to understand the person who is speaking to you. This is probably the most important conversational skill you can cultivate. Not only will this make conversations with your boyfriend flow more easily and naturally, but it will also make him feel truly seen and heard, increase his trust in you and bring the two of you closer together.
Step 2. Focus on him
In a healthy relationship, there should be a balanced conversation space for both of you. Sometimes one of you will need more attention or support than the other. An empathetic listener is someone who is willing to allow the other person to dominate the conversation when they really need it, without putting your own ego in it.
Step 3. Pay genuine attention
You can't fake this, so don't even try. It can be easy to get lost in your own thoughts trying to figure out what to say and you forget to really listen. This is the bad part of empathy. Let him say what he has to say, and listen without interrupting him.
Step 4. Create open, non-judgmental responses that reflect that you are listening
Sometimes this can be done simply by saying, “That sounds really hard. I know how important your dog is to you. This lets him know you're listening and you understand, and gives him enough space to keep sharing.
Step 5. Reflect back on your feelings for him
If he's just talking about his fights with his friends, avoid something like, “That sounds like your friends are really assholes. They don't appreciate how great you are." This may seem like a supportive response, but the truth is that he loves his friends, and your harsh judgment will eventually come back to haunt you. Try to respond with something like, "It sounds like you really feel unappreciated the way they talk to you." It will validate his feelings, without blaming someone or offering advice he didn't ask for himself.
Step 6. Invite him to continue
Use words like, “Tell me more about him,” “I'd like to hear more about him,” “How did it feel?” or “Then what do you do?” to encourage him to continue sharing stories.
Method 3 of 3: Be Supportive
Step 1. Ask about updates on things he's mentioned before
This will show him that you really care about the things he shares with you, and that you care about the things that are important to him. Try asking questions like, "So is your boss being a little less of a jerk today?" or "Are you feeling better?" or “Have you finished reading a book that previously intrigued you?”
Step 2. Avoid offering a solution unless he asks for it
Many men see telling people about their problems as a practical route to solving problems. On the other hand, many women want sympathy more than practical advice. When your boyfriend tells you about something he's struggling with, your first instinct may be to offer a solution. Avoid this. It is possible that. All he wanted was to lift the weight off his chest. If he wanted advice, he would probably ask for it. Prior to that, a good assumption was that what he really wanted was to be understood.
Step 3. Show that you can understand his feelings
This isn't always true in all situations, but sometimes telling a story about a time when you went through something similar can help validate the experience and make him feel like he's not alone. But don't dwell on it for too long. You shouldn't cover up his story or make this conversation all about you.
Step 4. Avoid limiting her feelings
Never say things like, "You're feeling too much," "Don't worry too much," "You'll feel better tomorrow," "It wasn't that bad," or "There's no reason to be so upset." Whether you feel that his emotional response is appropriate or not, it won't change how he feels. Don't block or minimize his emotions. Also don't always expect rationality. Emotions are not rational, and people who are sad usually don't always make sense. You can expect to be treated with respect, but don't tell him he's being unreasonable, or suggest taking a more rational approach. There will be time to tell later. Now your job is just to listen.
Tips
- You can expect him to care about your feelings too. Remember, it's not your sole responsibility to keep the conversation going, or to offer her help. He must also put as much effort into the matter as you do. If he doesn't do the same, find a non-accusatory way to discuss the matter. Use "I" statements, and focus on how you feel. Try saying, “Sometimes I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me to keep our conversation going. Have you ever felt that way?” or “I feel like I've been making a lot of effort lately to be emotionally supportive. Do you mind if I tell you what I'm worried about?” If he doesn't want to talk about your worries, maybe it's time to consider whether your relationship with him is a healthy one.
- Consider other meanings of communication. Some people feel very anxious on the phone. If you feel that way, or if you suspect he does, try to wisely suggest that you try replacing some of your phone time with video chatting, or texting, or IMing, or whatever is more convenient for him. Let him know that you're not trying to avoid talking to him, but that you think you'd be able to communicate better with him in another format.
- Avoid endless conversations. If one of you is sad or having a problem, you may need to talk for a while. In general, you should try to end the conversation while the conversation is still flowing smoothly. Don't wait until you've both run out of topics to talk about and fall into awkward silence to find an excuse to hang up. Remember, you still need to have something to talk about when you meet him in person.
- End the conversation as gently as possible. Don't ruin your efforts.
