Love is hard to define. From poets to psychologists to laypeople, attempts to explain the meaning and significance of love beyond just “You'll know when you feel it” have produced countless explanations. What makes it even more difficult is the concept of unconditional love, which some say is the only true love, while others call it impossible. Believing in unconditional love, and truly loving unconditionally, requires a strong thought, action, and belief. Only you can decide whether you can love unconditionally and how you can (or should) do so, but hopefully the following article can help you get on that path.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Defining Unconditional Love
Step 1. Consider the types of love that exist
The ancient Greeks did this and divided the definition into four kinds, as explained in this article. Of the four, love with the term agape is the most equivalent to the definition of unconditional love. Agape love is a choice and a decision made to love regardless of circumstances or feelings of disappointment.
- Thus, unconditional love means loving another in its essence, as it is, no matter what it has done or failed to do. People who have children seem to understand this idea best.
- This love must also be learned and practiced. You have to choose to love unconditionally.
- Parents may argue that there is no other choice but to love their children from the first time they see them, but that sense of attachment, perhaps unconsciously, is replaced by a persistent decision to love the child regardless of the circumstances.
Step 2. Realize that unconditional love is not a state of being “blind” by love
People who have just fallen in love with another person are often at this stage, which makes them unable to see reality, flaws, and everything in that person.
- Such a stage of love is only (or at least should be) temporary, and needs to be replaced by a more long-term “eyes wide open” type of love, if you want it to last.
- To be able to love someone unconditionally, you have to be aware of the circumstances, both good and bad.
- "Unconditional love is not a state of being blinded by love but more like a decision that nothing is more important than love." - Talidari
Step 3. Consider whether romantic love can become unconditional love
Some people think no, because romantic love must act according to circumstances, as a togetherness based on feelings, actions, and hopes. From this point of view, you will not be able to love your partner in the same unconditional way as you love your child.
- However, love is not the same as a relationship. The relationship has a condition, "together with effort". An unconditional relationship is the source of one-sided domination.
- Thus, a relationship may end because togetherness cannot function properly, but unconditional love for the person can remain. Sometimes ending a relationship can be a way to love unconditionally.
Step 4. Think of unconditional love as more of an action than a feeling
We usually think of love as a feeling, but feeling is a response we "get" from someone or something. Therefore, feelings have conditions.
- Unconditional love is the act and choice to strive for the good of another. The feeling that results from acting with love is the reward, in return you "get" from your own actions.
- To love unconditionally is to act with love in all circumstances.
- If you have to do something, or behave in a certain way, to receive love, that love has conditions. If love is given to you just like that and without doing anything first, it is unconditional love.
Part 2 of 2: Giving Unconditional Love
Step 1. Love yourself unconditionally
Unconditional love must start from the origin, which means towards oneself. You know your own strengths and weaknesses more than anyone else, and you know them better than anyone else's. Being able to love yourself despite the unparalleled awareness of your shortcomings will put you in a position to be able to give the same to others.
Thus, you must be able to recognize, accept, and forgive your own imperfections to be able to do the same to others. If you don't consider yourself worthy of unconditional love, you can never truly consider yourself worthy of giving it to others
Step 2. Make loving choices
Always ask yourself, “What loving thing can I do for this person right now?” No love is the same for everyone; what can be a loving act towards one person can hurt another, because it does not help him or her closer to being a truly happy person.
- Unconditional love is a new decision you have to make in every situation, not a strict, short rule that you can apply to everyone all the time.
- For example, if two friends are dealing with the loss of a loved one, relying on that person to cry and have a long conversation can be a loving choice for one person, while for the other, providing a little distance and time for each other. silence can be an option.
- If you're still unsure about the best way to help someone, you can ask them, "What can I do for you now?"
Step 3. Forgive your loved ones
Even if someone doesn't ask for it, letting go of your anger and hatred towards him is a loving act towards him and yourself. Remember Piero Ferrucci's advice that forgiveness "is not something we do, but something that is 'we'."
- In religion, you will hear the phrase “hate the sin, love the person”. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean liking every action they take or the choices they make; but don't let it affect your best wishes for that person in every way.
- If your loved one says hurtful things when you're angry, loving choices usually let them know that those words hurt you, but also forgive the mistake. Help him to grow and know that he is loved.
- But don't confuse being willing to forgive and letting people trample on you. Removing yourself from an environment where you are mistreated or used repeatedly can be a loving choice for both you and the other person.
Step 4. Don't expect to protect your loved ones from discomfort and pain
Part of loving someone is encouraging them to develop as a person, and pain and discomfort are an unavoidable part of life. Unconditional love means doing what you can to make the other person happy and comfortable, but also helping him or her thrive through the experience of unavoidable discomfort.
- Don't lie to “protect” your loved one's feelings; support him in dealing with his feelings when experiencing pain.
- For example, lying about a bad financial situation to avoid pain may result in more pain and mistrust in the long run. Instead, be honest, supportive, and work together to find a solution.
Step 5. Love more deeply by reducing “caring”
Wait, isn't caring the essence of love? Yes, you definitely want to “feel care” for the person in the sense that you are working for the good and the happiness of that person. You don't want to "care" in the sense that your love is based on a certain outcome, which by definition is unconditional love.
- So don't say “I don't care about your decision [because your kindness has nothing to do with mine]”; but say “I don't care about your decisions [because I love you regardless of your choices and actions]”.
- You shouldn't love for the sake of getting what makes you happy; You get happiness by loving unconditionally.
Step 6. Accept yourself and your loved ones as they are
You are far from perfect, but you are absolutely capable of giving love; other people are also imperfect, but deserve love.
- Unconditional love is all about accepting; it's about not expecting other people to make you happy through their choices and their way of life. You cannot control other people, only yourself.
- Your brother may be known for his bad choices, but that shouldn't have anything to do with your love for him. Don't love because of the way a person lives, but love only because he lives.
Tips
Do something for someone every day out of love itself. Do it without expecting anything in return. Do it without anyone knowing. For example, you can pray for your friends or family members who live far away from you. You can send an email, SMS, or letter to someone you haven't communicated with in a long time. Give praise to others. You can smile at strangers who pass by you. You can pet a dog or cat. Do small things with big love every day. And feel your heart expand with more love.
- Love means wishing happiness for another person. Love is about what we give, not what we get.
- You don't have to be perfect to love someone, just be honest.
Related article
- Defining Love
- Saying "I Love You"
- Love
