People change. It's part of life. Realize that change can be difficult at times. Sometimes it takes a dramatic event or a combination of small events before you realize it's time to end a friendship. Taking a closer look at the quality and pattern of your friendships with someone will give you a better understanding of whether or not it's worth keeping friends with someone.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding the Conditions of Friendship
Step 1. Look at your friends' values and compare them to yours
Knowing that your friend has different values from yours doesn't require you to end the friendship, but having something in common is definitely a great way to build friendships. Friends who don't share the same truth and point of view as you find it difficult to empathize with you.
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To consider whether or not your values are compatible, list each perspective on a variety of subjects, including:
- understand politics
- Religious belief
- Views on women's rights and reproductive health
- Views on the use of narcotics for fun
- Emphasis on material income and money
- Being active in making and choosing friends is an important part of learning to choose the right friends for you. If you want to wait for your friend to choose you, you will find little in common with them.
- Evaluation of the results of the analysis. If you guys have a lot in common and get along well, you probably have good friends who will do anything for you. If your results show a degree of incompatibility and interest, for example you are vegetarian and he is a hunter, you are liberal and he is conservative, you may have a hard time maintaining friendships with that person.
- Incompatibility of interests and traits is not an obstacle to friendship. Ask yourself, Do you really enjoy spending time with that person? Does he enrich your life and experiences? Be honest with yourself. If you don't enjoy spending time with the person, mainly because of very different values, the friendship may not be worth it.
Step 2. Remember the last time the two of you just sat down and talked
Do you feel strong and refreshed after talking? Or do you feel tired and lethargic at the end of the conversation with the friend? If you haven't spoken in a long time, you may have drifted away.
- Don't expect someone who was a friend at some point in your life to stay friends with you for life. With age, friends change due to changing circumstances including work, residence, and family commitments. Accepting the fact that your friend list is constantly changing is an important step towards a healthy personal life.
- The passage of time alone should not be a reason to end a friendship. Friendships often last for years even when the people involved age, change careers, or move to other areas. Email and social media make keeping friends easy as time goes on.
- Don't feel obligated to stay friends with someone just because you've been friends for a long time. That "Zombi Friendship" that lasts way beyond its expiration date is a waste of both of you time. Instead of reminiscing about days gone by with someone you haven't considered a friend for years, spend your time with real friends who are engaged and in your life right now.
Step 3. Ask if you value the time you two spend together
How often do you spend time together? Did you guys start talking together and now talk less? Do you think making time for friends is not as important as it used to be? If so, that might mean it's time for your friendship to end. Maybe one of you or both of you are now too busy to hang out and have other obligations that take up your time.
- People sometimes move in different directions. Learning to let go of friends is a difficult but important skill. You don't have to keep your mouth shut about that person. You can just slowly disappear from his life.
- Good friends make time for each other. If that person is important to you, and if you are important to him or her, you will find time for each other and the friendship will last.
- If you're not sure how much you value your friend's friendship, try seeing them less often. If you usually meet four days a week, try to meet three days a week. If you are not comfortable with that level of encounters, reduce the time you spend with the friend. If you don't appreciate his presence, you won't miss the time you spent with him. However, if you appreciate it, you will soon feel a longing for a friend that you see less often than before.
Step 4. Think about how you and your friend communicate
If you and your friend communicate differently, you may not be a good friend. For example, maybe your friends find vulgar language and offensive humor funny, while you don't. Since you two have very different communication styles, you can let go of the friend.
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Maybe friends are awkward when interacting in a social context. People who are socially awkward may not ask follow-up questions after you've explained your feelings or experiences, or may not know when to leave a party or get-together. He may also stand, stare, or sit in silence. Friends who are clumsy when interacting may not understand or empathize with the obstacles and difficulties you face when you talk about them. That's why he's a bad friend.
- Instead of ending the friendship with a friend who is awkward to interact with, you can try to help him in the conversation. Encourage reactions and affirmations from your friends by asking direct questions about the impact your story has on them or on their feelings. Ask rhetorical questions like, “Strange/interesting/sad, right?” at the right time. Invite friends to share similar experiences and examples of behaviors you'd like to see when communicating with them, such as reciprocation ("Yes, I'm reminded of a similar experience…"), approval, and acknowledgment (nod silently or say, "Yes," “Ehem,” or “Oh my gosh!”).
- Try to set boundaries with friends before ending the friendship. Individuals who are clumsy when interacting socially may not notice when you want to be alone or spending time with other people. Be direct, but sensitive when conveying that you don't want to spend time with the person. You can say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to go out tonight." If your clumsy friend insists, explain that sometimes you need space and privacy. If he doesn't respect your decision and keeps begging to spend time with you, ending the friendship is the only option.
- Another communication problem is intentional or frequent misunderstandings. Some people like to cause conflict because it makes them feel powerful or purposeful. Such individuals may twist your words to accuse you of something you did not do. For example, if you mention that you are looking forward to going to Bandung in the dry season, a friend who does not have adequate communication skills may interpret it (intentionally or not) as your unwillingness to spend time with him during the rainy season.
Step 5. Identify if your friend wants a romantic relationship
Sometimes friends want to be more than just friends. Many healthy romantic relationships start out like this, but if you're not interested in that, you may have to end the friendship.
- If a friend approaches you, be honest and express how you feel. If the person truly values their existence and friendship with you, they will accept your decision and stop pursuing a romantic relationship with you.
- Sometimes friends don't accept your decision to keep their friendship platonic. If so, you have no choice but to end the friendship.
- A friend who wants a romantic relationship may be an ex. Staying friends with your ex is hard. Chances are one of you wants to reconcile when the other doesn't want to hurt both of you.
- There are exceptions if you want to be friends with your ex, which is that your love relationship has been over for a long time so you can already let it go.
Part 2 of 3: Determining Whether You Are Not Appreciated
Step 1. Identify if you are not respected
If a friend treats you badly or shows no respect, it's a good idea to let the friend go. For example, maybe he doesn't take your concerns or problems seriously when you tell him about them, or maybe he's nice when you're alone but looks down on you in front of other people. Or worse yet, he badmouths you in public and when you're alone.
- Lack of respect for you may be indirect, towards your work and partner. If your friend keeps making negative comments about your wife or husband (“He's not that smart”, “He's a bit ugly”) you should reconsider having that person in your life.
- If you suspect a friend is badmouthing you behind your back, get as much information as you can. Who heard it? When and where did he hear it? If the source is trusted, you should take it seriously. If more than one person heard it, ask each one separately what was said about you. If everyone's reports were the same, they might be telling the truth.
- After knowing the information, confront the friend regarding his words. If he denies it, trust him for now. For example, maybe Budi heard that your friend, Ikhsan, called you stupid. After asking Budi when and where he heard it, Ikhsan's confrontation relates to it. Ask him if he is at the place Budi mentioned and if he is there. Finally, ask Ikhsan if he said according to the report you received. If he admits it, you should consider ending your friendship. Badmouthing friends behind their back is not a sign of friendship.
- If you continue to receive negative reports about what your friend has said to you, it may be time to end the friendship and stop believing the lies. Friends who don't respect you don't deserve your time and effort.
Step 2. Determine if your friends are making you feel inferior
Do friends keep making you feel stupid? Is he critical of your point of view and doesn't take yours? Does he keep making you sad because of your hair and clothes? Those are not the qualities of a healthy friendship. If a friend does everything, it's a clear sign that their friendship will soon sink.
- Friends may make fun of personal habits, such as how late you sleep, the food you usually eat, or the clothes you wear.
- Friends may also make you feel bad because of your circumstances. If your friend makes fun of your social status, parental occupation, or the size and size of your home, he or she is not acting like a true friend.
- Remember to always be yourself. Unless your behavior is hurting yourself or someone else, never change yourself to please someone else. A friend accepts you as you are.
Step 3. Identify if your friends make you feel important
Narcissistic people are not good friends. If your friend tends to interrupt when you share stories of personal accomplishments, it means that they are not interested in your life. On the other hand, he may be constantly trying to surpass you, insisting that something greater (or worse) ever happen to him.
- For example, you might share a story about a good grade you just got on an exam, and your friend replies, “Really? I also got 100 in that class, and in chemistry class too!” People who don't deserve company feel obligated to steal the limelight whenever something good happens to you.
- A good friend always listens to your problems patiently and offers advice when needed. He won't try to make himself the center of every conversation or include himself in every one of your stories.
- If your friend shows a lack of empathy, understanding, or sensitivity to your life and problems, they don't deserve your company. Does he listen carefully when you speak? Does he look you in the eye? Does he ask follow-up questions as you speak? If not, take his actions as an indication that it's time to end the friendship.
Step 4. Identify when friends ignore you
If your friend keeps breaking promises, or you have to beg to spend time with them, your friendship isn't strong. For example, if you both agree to watch a badminton match on the weekend, and at the last minute, your friend cancels his plans, it might be time to end the friendship.
- When your friend doesn't return the call, he or she may be deliberately avoiding the conversation with you. Friends may also not reply to emails, letters, instant messages, or text messages.
- When a friend cancels an appointment via text message, you can know that your friendship has fallen. A good friend will meet immediately when he finds out that he has let his friend down.
- Beware of lousy excuses (“I have to feed my cat”) or meaningless apologies (“If I had said earlier, I would have come”). It's a sign that your friendship isn't as important to that person.
Step 5. Determine if you are being used by friends
Do friends only call when they want something? For example, does he approach you to get a ride to work or school? Does he just act like a friend when you lend him money or pay for a movie ticket, a meal at a restaurant, or some other social situation? Is he too busy for you, except when he wants you to flatter him in front of your connections at his place of application? If your friend doesn't feel obligated to pay for themselves (and especially if they don't return your kindness when you need it), you're dealing with someone who likes to take advantage of you. Cut off all contact immediately to protect your finances and your sanity.
- If you feel like the problem doesn't require you to end the friendship, at least learn to say no. Don't let your friends continue to use you to pay for their meals. Speak politely, but firmly, when refusing his request.
- In friendship, you have to give and take. If you keep doing things for a friend and he doesn't do anything for you, it means that your friend is taking advantage of you. For example, maybe your friend expects you to treat him to a movie all the time, but he never treats you when you hang out. In that case, have a friend pay for themselves at a later date.
- If a friend is forcing you to pay because he's used to it, let him know that from now on, you want to be financially independent, and you hope he will too. If he insists on knowing why you're the way you are, let him know that you feel it's unfair if you pay him all the time when he doesn't do that to you. If he is a good friend, he will see his mistakes and make amends. If he doesn't deserve company, he will react by accusing, blaming, and scolding you. If the second situation occurs, end the friendship with him as soon as possible.
Part 3 of 3: Determining If You're Tired
Step 1. Initiate intervention
If your friend is a drug or alcohol addict, he or she may need counseling. As a good friend, you should support him in his fight against addiction, but ending the relationship as a form of firm love is sometimes the only way to wake him up. An intervention is a serious event where loved ones and friends of the addict come together to confront the person about their unhealthy habits.
- The end result of the intervention is an ultimatum that if he doesn't stop, he will have no one else to rely on, emotionally in the form of friendship or financially, because you and other family members and friends can no longer sit back and watch him. self-destruct. Intervention is a serious matter and should be considered as such.
- Instead, if your friend is a bad influence on you and encourages you to use drugs and drink as much as they do, you should end the friendship. Such people do not consider you. Ending a friendship with an addict who won't change is the best option for keeping you healthy.
- A drinking buddy is not only a danger to himself and others, but a burden to those around him as well. You may be worried about him or embarrassed to be associated with him. Friends like these must be sacrificed to protect your own mental health and well-being.
Step 2. Determine if you are annoyed with your friends
Maybe your friend sucks. He always complains. He's like a broken record that keeps on changing issues or obsessions, like a new girlfriend, the cool car he wants, or the rotten boss at work.
- For example, maybe your friend wants a cool car and doesn't realize that you're not interested in seeing photos of the car all the time or hearing how fast it can go. A few days later, he did the same thing, with another model car. The cycle repeats itself. Being friends with annoying people is hard work, and sometimes too much. Such a friend may not be worth the trouble and annoyance it causes.
- Maybe a friend is calling or texting non-stop. He doesn't care if you're at work, school, or church, and even if you ignore him, he keeps trying to get in touch.
- Your annoying friend probably hasn't done anything big to annoy you so much. Some people just don't get along with us sometimes. If your friend is annoying because of the words he or she uses (especially their slogans or slogans), their tone of voice, or their actions, they may not be a good friend to you. You have the right to be honest with yourself about how you feel, and if you're annoyed or upset about someone, limit contact with them.
Step 3. Determine if your friend is trusted
Friends show whether or not he is worthy of trust in various ways. A good friend will keep the secrets you tell him. He will never lie to you and always speak openly and honestly.
- Your friend shouldn't disclose information about you that they know or suspect would embarrass you if it became public. Joking with people who are not friends about struggles, phobias, and sources of personal anxiety is something a friend shouldn't do. If a friend does that or shares other information that you tell them in secret, it means they don't deserve to be your friend.
- If your friend is lying to you, it may be time to end the friendship. Lies can be big (saying you didn't take your money when you did) or minor (saying you're fine when your makeup is messed up). Don't let liars make excuses like, "It's okay, I lied for your own good." No matter how small the lie, a lying friend will continue to disappoint you, and even get you into trouble because of the lie.
- If your friend has a bad habit of lying, you should let it go. He can't be trusted, and trying to make friends without trust is like building a house with a foundation of sand. In the end, it will collapse.
Step 4. Determine if the friend is not respecting the boundary
Setting boundaries means determining what is appropriate and inappropriate for you and your friends in a friendship. Your friend should show respect for your space and possessions. Friends who act beyond any of the following limits must be let go.
- If a friend doesn't respect your possessions, he or she doesn't deserve company. For example, a friend who doesn't respect ownership limits can take your clothes and put them on without asking your permission. He can also "borrow" your items and sell them at stores that accept used items, or refuse to return them when you ask for them.
- When friends can't respect your personal space, it's also a violation of personal boundaries. If your friend is constantly snooping around while you're texting or browsing the web, or feels like they can come over to your house without being invited, they don't have a healthy respect for your personal space.
- Sharing life and feelings with friends is crucial for strengthening friendships. However, you should also remind your friend that he can't just interfere in your life. You're better off not being friends with someone who can't respect your boundaries.
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Determine if you are spending too much time with friends. Overly dependent and demanding friends should be avoided. Set boundaries with friends and make sure they understand them. Explain in clear and concise language that you can't spend all your time with him and you need some alone time to decipher and process your own life.
If your friend keeps contacting you for advice and support regarding their relationship or interpersonal conflict, it's time to leave. Don't feel guilty about "ignoring" an overly dependent friend. Dragging you into his chaotic life is selfish, and in order to keep your soul healthy, you must avoid the pressure, stress, and psychological pain of being constantly leaned on and asked for help to recover
Step 5. Identify violent behavior in friends
Violence can be physical or emotional. Physical violence includes hitting, pushing, or slapping. Emotional abuse includes making fun of, making and breaking promises, and criticizing without offering constructive advice. Violent friendships must end immediately.
- You don't have to suffer serious physical injury for physical violence to hurt you. Not only is teasing or punching physically hurtful, it can also make you feel scared and disappointed in yourself. You can also feel frustrated and confused when someone you thought was a friend hurt you.
- Emotional abuse can take many forms, but broadly speaking, it makes the person receiving it feel worthless, abandoned, and lonely. One example of emotional abuse is berating and making fun of. Another example is saying that he's your only friend and that if you end your friendship, no one will like you anymore.
- A violent friend may admit that he or she is just joking or playing games, and advise you not to be upset by his behavior. Don't accept that explanation. Be firm with your opinion and urge him to end his behavior because you don't deserve to be treated that way, and end the friendship if he objected.
- Don't accept emotional abuse of any kind. Tell your friend that you don't appreciate his violence and end your friendship if he doesn't improve his treatment of you. Spend more time with other friends who share your values and value you as a person.
Step 6. Determine if you don't like yourself around friends
If you feel disgusted with your friend, your chest tightens, or your throat hurts at the thought of a friend, these are signs that he or she is not a good friend to you. Does spending time with him make you uncomfortable? If so, you may want to end the friendship.
- Even if you can't pinpoint a specific reason your friend disobeyed you, usually the best thing you can do is go along with a hunch. Often our hunches give us the right information even though we don't fully understand why.
- If your friend makes you feel passive aggressive, or even just aggressive, it's time to end the friendship. The feelings you're feeling are best avoided by staying away from the friend who triggered them. Yelling, accusing, and judging others (especially friends) are not healthy ways of communicating. Good friends are supposed to make us better.
- You may also feel antagonistic towards your friends. Maybe you wished him no success or didn't get what he wanted. That shouldn't be expected of other friends and you should take this as an indication that it's time to end the friendship.
- Do you feel like you have to emphasize your friend's shortcomings all the time? Don't you empathize with him? These tendencies indicate that you do not value the friend. Be aware of this negative and unfriendly behavior and use it as a basis for determining whether your friendship is worth keeping.
Tips
- You may want to continue to be friends after ending the friendship. You and your friend may even become better friends after you've been apart.
- By ending your friendship with a bad friend, you're usually actually helping them. The only way a dependent person learns how to be financially and emotionally independent is to learn how to depend on himself. Ending a bad friend's friendship often serves as a reminder to him that his behavior is not conducive to healthy, long-lasting friendships.
- Speak to a friend in a gentle, but firm manner. If you're being weak, your friends may think that you're easily pressured and aren't serious about ending the friendship. That will cause problems later on if he doesn't understand that you've ended your friendship.
- Be yourself and don't try to hide yourself just for the sake of other people. Pretending never gives good results.
- Trust your instincts and watch for signs of a fading friendship. Don't make yourself miserable by stalling the friendship.
- Ask for help from a trusted person. Family is always by your side, even in the most difficult times. Don't be afraid to lean on other trusted friends too.
- If it seems that your friend isn't interested in keeping friends either and doesn't want to stay friends, ask him for his opinion on your friendship. Maybe he also realizes that you two need to separate and that you can find a way to separate on good terms.
- Many people have a hard time ending friendships. You may feel guilty for hurting him. You may worry about the repercussions or feel like a loser for losing a friend. These feelings are common, but don't let them interfere with your well-founded and logical decision to end the friendship.
- The end of a friendship is sometimes nobody's fault. Letting go of friendship is a part of life.
Warning
- Don't conclude hastily. Your friendship may just be going through a phase. Obstacles on the way.
- Keep in touch with friends as acquaintances. You may become friends again in the future and you don't want old friendships to be a hindrance to new friendships. Ending a friendship completely should be a last resort only when the friend is a physical or emotional danger or threat to you (or yourself).
