The urge to hold on to the past can be very strong, especially if intense pain or trauma, stemming from your history, is haunting you. But letting go of the past is healthy, and it's important if you want to get the most out of your present life. Here's some advice on letting go of the past and moving on.
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Method 1 of 3: Letting Go of the Past in All Situations
Step 1. Meditate and pray
A calm and balanced mind is an absolute necessity to let go of past pain. Any source of pain carries a strong emotional response, especially if the pain is long-held. Meditation can put your mind in a more emotionally stable place, and prayer can focus your mind and soul on something bigger than your pain.
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While meditating, find a quiet place that is free of distractions and make yourself comfortable but alert. There are several forms of meditation you can try, so do a little research and choose one that appeals to you.
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Praying works best if you have personal faith or religious beliefs. You can pray in your own words or use a prayer that has been written down and passed down over the years.
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Step 2. Take your distance and be objective
When you think about past incidents that have weighed on you, try to think about them from an outsider's point of view rather than your own. A person may define himself based on something that happened in the past, but a stranger who doesn't know your past will look at you more objectively.
If you're haunted by something that happened in high school and you're now in your mid to late 20s, many, if not most, people in your social circle probably didn't even know you at the time. They don't see you as a teenager; they only see who you are, and if they are your friends, they quite like who you are
Step 3. Accept the past
You may want to hide a painful past and pretend it didn't happen, but contrary to what you might think, ignoring or denying the past won't allow you to let it go. When you have to use your energy to fight the past, you give it the power of your attention.
You may spend years in a harassing or humiliating job, or you may regret your initial relationship and the decisions you made during that relationship. Instead of worrying about how other people might react if they find out about your past, accept the fact that it really happened and that you are a different person now. Anyone worthy of being a friend will accept you for who you are and don't care about your past
Step 4. Keep yourself in the present and look to the future
Let go of the past once you learn to accept its existence. The only time that really exists is the present, so you need to focus on living in the present as best you can. However, looking to the future can give you motivation to move forward.
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Get involved in current events. Engage in work, hobbies, or other activities that satisfy you.
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Plan for the future. Set goals and work to achieve them so you don't find yourself wandering in the past world.
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Step 5. Be grateful
Even if your past is dark enough to overshadow your present, there is usually at least a certain amount of things a person can be grateful for. When you feel tempted to focus on the negative past, change your focus and think consciously about things you can be grateful for.
If you have ever suffered from an eating disorder or engaged in any other form of self-harm, for example, think about what brought you back on the right path and how grateful you are for that influence. Also consider what kind of person you are now after going through that dark period in your life
Step 6. Tell yourself to heal
When the pain in the past is strong enough, you may be tempted to think that you will never be able to recover from it. Instead of telling yourself, "My heart will never heal," say, "All the pain subsides and passes with time." Even if you don't believe the statement at first, after repeating it several times to yourself, the idea can stick.
You may never fully heal from the loss of a loved one or the pain of betrayal, but as long as you accept the idea that you are allowed to heal and move on, some degree of healing can still occur
Step 7. Get rid of fear
If past pain creates some kind of fear about a particular situation or part of your life, actively try to face that fear and overcome it. After all, past memories weren't the problem. The real issue is how those memories affect your present and future.
If you failed to achieve big goals or failed at a relationship in the past, don't tell yourself that you will also fail at something similar in the future. The past is the past, and just because you have failed at something once, does not automatically mean that you will fail at it again later
Step 8. Remove obstructions
You may not identify the effects of the past as “fear,” but any negative feelings you have that stem from the past are a barrier to the future. Disarm those weapons that you use against yourself so that the path ahead is unobstructed and easier to navigate.
If you're always suspicious of people after being betrayed by a friend or relative, try to get back into the world and interact with people again. Give your trust wisely so you don't get hurt unnecessarily, but don't completely shut yourself off from people
Step 9. Start with small steps
You don't have to master all of your past at once. Taking one small step forward can be as much, if not more, a big leap of faith forward. Slowly moving yourself into a healthier state can help your positive habits become ingrained.
If a major car accident makes you feel uneasy about being in the car, start slowly by sitting briefly in a parked car. After that, drive a little somewhere nearby. Heal yourself slowly in this way until you are comfortable in the car for long periods of time going somewhere far away
Method 2 of 3: Letting Go of Past Failures, Mistakes, and Regrets
Step 1. Forgive yourself
If you look to the past with great regret or disappointment with yourself, the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for whatever happened.
You may think that this is easier said than done, and you may be right. However, telling yourself that your past mistakes don't need to reflect on who you are in the present is an important part of letting go of the past
Step 2. Believe in yourself
Past failures can damage your self-confidence and make it hard for you to believe that you can do anything useful now or in the future. You need to remind yourself of the abilities you do have in order to regain the confidence you lost and learn to trust yourself and your dreams again.
If you experience major defeats or failures in one area of your life, remind yourself of other times when you were successful in the same area of your life. If you don't remember any, think about other areas of your life that may have been difficult for you but are now successful
Step 3. Use regret as fuel for the future
If past regrets are strong enough, you can use them to improve yourself as a person. Tell yourself that you will not repeat the same mistakes and set your sights on a future where the past has been completely resolved.
Basically, it's all about learning from mistakes. Some of the most effective lessons are learned from major mistakes or failures. Instead of feeling ashamed, hurt, or afraid about the past, analyze it calmly, and find better ways to react to similar situations in the future
Step 4. Think about a worse outcome
Past results may have been bad, but, often times, there is always a way for a bad situation to turn out to be much worse. Consider the worst possible outcome so you can learn to appreciate the real outcome.
For example, if a past mistake caused a major project to be delayed, think about what might happen if the mistake went unnoticed and the project was completely destroyed, or what might happen if your boss decided to demote or fire you for the mistake
Step 5. Look for hidden benefits
In many cases, even a bad and unpleasant event can produce unexpected consequences that are actually good.
Maybe a big mistake led you on a different, better path, or maybe a big mistake strengthened a relationship in your life that you used to help yourself survive. If a failed love affair helps you strengthen the bond between you and a relative or friend you previously lost touch with, that can be a hidden advantage
Step 6. Consider the big picture
Your failures may seem big to you, but in the great fabric of life, they may not actually be that big. Think about how your mistakes and regrets are measured in life on a larger scale.
Method 3 of 3: Letting Go of Past Relationships and Friendships
Step 1. Confess your feelings to yourself
If you still love the person who hurt you and left you, or if you feel deeply hurt by the person who is still in your life, you need to confess those feelings to yourself. Before you can move on with your life, you need to understand exactly what you are trying to leave behind by moving on.
- Understand that it's okay if the love is still there after the relationship is over. After all, love is a powerful emotion.
- Anger is also completely natural, so you can feel angry and not be a bad person for it. Anger becomes bad only when it turns into an obsession that leads to destruction.
Step 2. Pull yourself into the present
While you can and should acknowledge the past, you need to keep yourself in the present. Whenever you are tempted to let the mind dwell in the past, you must withdraw into the present by engaging in present activities that require your attention.
This can be anything from going out for fun with friends to curling up on the couch with a good book. As long as the activity keeps you focused on the present and doesn't put you in danger, it's probably okay
Step 3. Find a shoulder to cry on
Friends and family can be great support systems, and they can be helpful as a way of expressing your emotions and pain.
Try not to let your relationship with these people become absorbed by your hurt, but don't be shy and try to hide your feelings from those who care about you. Strike a balance between complaining to these people and having fun with them
Step 4. Don't think of the past as wasted time
You may be tempted to think that a bad relationship is a waste of time and as a result regret the way you spent that time. However, that regret is not conducive to letting go of the past.
If you want to let go of the past, think of the time you spent in the relationship as the time you spent learning and growing as a person
Step 5. Remember the good and the bad
For the most part, even relationships that end badly are a mixture of good and bad. When you find yourself thinking about those past relationships, do so honestly, remembering both the good and the bad parts of the relationship without idealizing or condemning.
Step 6. Know yourself outside of the relationship
If you're still defining yourself based on a past relationship or other long-standing relationship, then redefine yourself in a way that doesn't include anyone else in the relationship at all. By doing this, you can learn to stop seeing yourself in relation to your partner and start seeing who you are as an individual.
Find new social circles and hobbies that don't involve your partner. This can be especially helpful if your old friends and hobbies are the same as those of your partner
Step 7. Disconnect completely
If someone is causing you pain and making it difficult for you to let go of the past, you need to get that person out of your life as much as possible.
Even if you want to build a positive relationship again in the future, while in the healing process, you need to distance yourself from that person. This separation doesn't have to be permanent, but it does need to last throughout your healing period
Step 8. Get rid of scary thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts
When a relationship of any kind ends, you may find yourself feeling unlovable. Instead of telling yourself, "I'll never be able to have friends" or "No one will ever love me," reassure yourself that you just haven't crossed paths with the right people or people.
Think about the possibilities in the future. The end of one relationship can lead to the beginning of another. The possibility that a future relationship can give you the love and satisfaction you need exists only because your past relationship ended
Step 9. Forgive others and yourself
When a relationship reaches a breaking point, chances are, both you and the other party involved are responsible for it. Instead of completely blaming the person or taking all the blame yourself, admit fault on both sides and forgive everything.
