It is undeniable, anger is one form of emotion that is very natural and can often be used to identify stressors. In some cases, anger can have positive effects, such as helping you to defend yourself when needed, reducing negative emotions and psychological states, and protecting you from being hurt. Unfortunately, the inability to manage anger has the potential to damage your relationships with those closest to you. Therefore, try to stay calm and in control, no matter how difficult the situation is. Do this to maintain a lasting relationship with those closest to you, even though sometimes your anger is actually justified.
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Method 1 of 3: Avoiding Inappropriate Anger and Hatred
Step 1. Evaluate the root cause behind your anger
In fact, the factors behind anger can be internal or external. Some examples of internal factors that can trigger anger are failure to achieve goals, injustice, and frustration. Meanwhile, some examples of external factors that can trigger anger are loss, feeling offended, or feeling humiliated. If you are not able to properly place your anger or bad mood, your chances of venting unwarranted anger will increase. Be careful, taking undue anger on another person can have a very unhealthy effect on your relationship with that person. To reduce or avoid inappropriate anger, try the following tips:
- Try asking, "What's really bothering me?" After that, go back to asking, "What's wrong with that?" Doing so will make it easier for you to find the specific reason behind the anger.
- Think about why you need to vent your anger (for example, someone who feels they don't have the power to handle a difficult situation at work is likely to vent their anger on people at home).
- Write down things that make you feel stressed or have negative thoughts.
- Treat stressors gradually instead of blending them into one big, hard-to-manage stressor.
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Apologize to someone you mistreated even if he or she is actually innocent.
You can say, "I'm sorry, I got mad at you last night at dinner. Honestly, I'm stressed at work. I'm the one who has trouble managing stress, but you are the one who gets the sap. What do you think I can do to improve the situation?”
Step 2. Let go of hate
Holding a grudge against the past is one of the most common reasons for anger. Remember, holding grudges or hatred is very unhealthy. That's why you need to learn to let go of those feelings in order to move on with your life better. Try following these tips:
- Acknowledge that your hatred serves no productive purpose.
- Realize that your hatred won't change anything.
- Accept the fact that you can't control other people's behavior or feelings.
- Try to forgive if you can, and try to forget if you can't forgive.
Step 3. Think about whether you have unexpressed expectations
Have you ever been annoyed with someone who didn't live up to your expectations? Chances are, he really doesn't know what those expectations are because you've never really conveyed them! Therefore, make sure you always communicate various unmet expectations, as long as those expectations are reasonable and justified.
For example, you may be annoyed with a coworker who never pays the joint cost of buying coffee but always drinks coffee every day. Likely, he didn't know that everyone had to pay a joint fee to drink the coffee. Another possibility is that a member of his family is sick and he has to spend quite a lot of money to pay for his medical expenses. By conveying expectations as clearly as possible instead of just getting angry, your relationship will definitely be better in the future
Step 4. Build empathy
One of the best ways to avoid anger is to understand the person's perspective. For that, try to get to know the person more closely and find out the reasons behind his behavior. Of course, after that you will feel more empathetic, and it will be easier for you to forget your anger or annoyance at him.
Step 5. Be grateful
If you love the person, try to think about what if they were no longer in your life. Think about all the contributions he has made to your life and allow yourself to be grateful for the things he has done. If necessary, keep a special journal to record the things you are grateful for each day.
Step 6. Before speaking, apply the HALT concept
HALT is an acronym for "Hungry (Hungry), Angry (Angry), Lonely (Lonely), Tired (Tired)." The general concept in this 12-step program recommends that you stop and evaluate yourself before taking it out on others.
For example, if you're upset that your husband comes home too late, try to think about yourself before venting your anger on your partner. Be aware if you feel hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, and think about whether these factors influence your anger towards your partner. If so, try eating something and relaxing on the couch for a few minutes, then try to evaluate why your husband is late
Method 2 of 3: Using Assertive Communication Patterns
Step 1. Understand the different patterns of communication
In fact, there are three main patterns that people commonly use to communicate their emotions (especially anger), namely “passive,” “aggressive,” or “assertive”. Want to communicate more healthily with others? If so, you should learn to use assertive communication patterns.
- Passive communication occurs when a person only harbors anger without actually looking for a way to confront it. Be careful, passive behavior (known as passive-aggressive) can be transformed into an attempt at stealth revenge or other negative actions.
- Aggressive communication is generally manifested in explosive emotions and seems excessive. In some cases, aggressiveness is often peppered with violence.
- Assertive communication is a healthy and positive way to convey your needs while confronting the person or situation that makes you angry.
Step 2. Emphasize that the needs of both parties are equally important
One of the most important parts of assertive communication is recognizing that the interests of the communicator and the communicant are equally important. Stop focusing only on yourself and show that you also respect the needs of others.
For example, if you want to scold your husband for forgetting to buy dinner, try starting the conversation by saying, "I know you have a lot of work to do" (acknowledging his need). After that, try saying, "But I also have a lot of workload, and if you forget to buy dinner, the schedule that I have made will be a mess."
Step 3. Respect the other person
Always using the words "please" and "thank you" is one of the highest forms of appreciation you can give to the person you are talking to. Treat the person you're talking to well, and be aware that there's always a story from their side that you don't fully understand.
For example, instead of getting mad at your husband for not buying dinner, try asking, "Do you have any other plans for dinner?" Chances are, he'll share his ideas with you afterwards. Even if your husband forgets to do it, keep asking for alternative ideas instead of making demanding statements like, “Where's dinner? Said you wanted to buy on the street!” as soon as he entered the house
Step 4. Be clear and specific about your wishes
Realize that you are making a request, not a demand. Knowing this will help you to choose words that are more polite, appropriate, and logical. Also, make sure you are always specific and don't stray from the facts.
For example, you might say, "I know you just got home, but would it be okay if you went out for a bit to get dinner so we can all eat together at home?"
Step 5. Express your feelings
Even though you need to convey factual information, there's really nothing to stop you from expressing your emotions when you're angry. For example, you can emphasize the phrase, "I feel" to prevent the other person from becoming defensive afterward.
For example, you might say, “I get really annoyed every time you don't buy dinner out. Seems like I'm the only one who has to think about our dinner every day. I feel pressured and stressed about having to do everything as perfectly as possible every time.”
Step 6. Find the right solution
Ideally, you and the person can work together to find the right solution to the problem that's bothering you. Unfortunately, you can't control other people's behavior and you may need to find a solution on your own.
In fact, there are many possible solutions to this problem. For example, you can ask your husband to give his idea about the menu for dinner today or take him out for dinner. In addition, he can also offer to buy food at a nearby restaurant or babysit the kids and let you buy dinner out. Alternatively, he could offer to cook dinner. Although the solutions vary, the most important thing is that you and your husband can agree on a solution that does not burden all parties
Method 3 of 3: Evaporating Anger
Step 1. Take a break to rest
Whenever you feel irritated with someone, try to pull away for a while to calm yourself down. A person who is able to control his feelings before venting them to others actually has a greater potential to avoid conflict.
Step 2. Take a deep breath
Deep breathing can calm you down and reduce your anger. To achieve maximum benefits, try to get as much air as possible into the lower abdominal area. Place your hand on your diaphragm (the area between your chest and stomach), and take deep breaths until your belly increases in size. After that, exhale slowly.
Focus on your breathing pattern. Try to inhale and exhale for a count of 8-10 until your emotions feel more in control
Step 3. Take your anger out on more productive things
If you can't (and shouldn't) take your anger out on others, why not turn your anger into productive energy? For example, try venting your anger by cleaning the house, exercising, or completing activities you've been neglecting for a long time. Trust me, your anger will subside in no time!
Step 4. Take good care of yourself
Always make time to do things that please yourself. In addition, make sure you also always get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and eat healthy foods. I'm sure after that you will feel much better and positive. A person who feels better is generally better able to control his emotions. As a result, they are able to communicate more effectively and positively with others. Someone who doesn't have the time to do any of the above is likely to build hatred towards people they see as a hindrance.
- Sleep at least 7-8 hours every night so that your emotional and physical health is always excellent.
- Exercise at least 20-30 minutes every day. If you can't do it every day, at least exercise 3-4 times a week.
- Expand consumption of grains, fruits, vegetables, and various sources of protein. Eating unsaturated fats can also keep you full longer! At the same time, avoid foods that contain no fat or processed foods because they are generally poor in nutrients and cannot keep you satisfied after a meal.
Step 5. Listen to relaxing music
Believe me, listening to your favorite singer's songs can stabilize your mood and calm you down, you know! After all, music has been shown to be effective at manipulating feelings and bringing back pleasant memories in your life. That's the reason music is able to work effectively to calm people who are angry or anxious (even though they don't know the source of the anger and anxiety). If you want, try listening to classical music or jazz which has been proven to calm a person's anxiety. Like other types of music? Feel free to listen to it!
Step 6. Turn negative thoughts into positive ones
Reduce anger by focusing your thoughts on positive things. Close your eyes, let go of all negative thoughts that arise, and try to think of at least three positive things.
- These positives may or may not be related to the situation you are worried about.
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Some examples of positive thoughts are:
- This problem will surely pass.
- I'm strong enough to face it.
- A challenging situation is actually room for growth.
- I won't be angry forever. This feeling is temporary.
