Maybe your relationship is over, but your partner still can't move on! You have to make it clear that the relationship is over before your ex sends you another weird love letter or stands outside your bedroom window with the radio playing "your song." The best strategy for dealing with an obsessed ex can vary, depending on the character of the ex-partner. However, there are some basic guidelines you can follow to let your partner know that your relationship is over and to protect yourself if your ex starts harming you.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Communicating After a Breakup
Step 1. Don't let the breakup drag on
Breaking up gently can cause problems for you. Don't be tempted to do it gently because you feel sorry for him or because you don't want to hurt him. If you want to break up with someone, the best thing for both of you is to do it and try to move on after that.
Step 2. Make it clear that this relationship is over
If you're dealing with an ex-spouse who won't leave you, you should make it clear that the relationship is really over. Be kind and firm. Otherwise, your ex will assume that the relationship is still ongoing, or could imagine that you two will get back together at some point.
- Try to make clear statements like: "[name of ex-spouse], our relationship ended a month ago. I have to move on with my life."
- Avoid sentences like, "I need to focus on myself right now," or "I don't have time for a romantic relationship right now," because these types of sentences can give the impression that your relationship could start again someday.
- If you've been trying to break up with your partner and he can't understand it, try one more time and make sure you're clear about it. Try saying something like: "When we last spoke, I wanted to make it clear that we're no longer in a relationship, but I don't think you understand. We're not dating anymore. Do you understand now?"
Step 3. Let the other know that your relationship is over
Tell your friends and family (especially your friends) that your relationship is over. The more people who know about this situation, the more "real" it will be in the eyes of the ex-spouse. If you broke it off quietly and without telling anyone else, your partner might assume this is a sign that you're still interested in him and obsessed with getting you back.
Part 2 of 3: Avoiding Ex-Spouse
Step 1. Don't contact him
An obsessed ex may try to contact you such as calling or texting, sending gifts, and so on. If you respond, even if it's just to say "don't bother me," he can take it as a sign that you're still interested. The best technique for dealing with an obsessed ex is to avoid all contact with them.
- It's best not to answer calls, text messages, emails, and so on. Don't ignore it or just delete it.
- If your ex-spouse sends you a gift or other object, don't respond or return it. Just throw it away.
Step 2. Remove ex-spouse from contacts and friends list in social media
Due to the large network, social media makes it difficult for you to respond to an obsessed partner. Your ex may be trying to reach you through social media, or through someone you are both friends with. The best thing to do is to remove them from your friends list on social media: don't allow them to contact you and don't view their social media content.
Step 3. Stay away from your ex
Avoiding physical contact with him can be an effective way to deal with an obsessed ex. If he doesn't have the chance to meet you, hopefully this obsession will end. This could mean you have to change your habits or your list of places you frequent. For example, if you think you might run into your ex at a coffee shop you frequent, you might want to find another coffee shop. It sucks, but the upside is that you get to try new places and have a fresh start.
Part 3 of 3: Raising Protection
Step 1. Recognize when the situation starts to get dangerous
If you feel like your obsessed ex has turned into a stalker, this situation could be dangerous for you. If this is the case, perhaps you can seek help. The act of stalking differs from obsession in that it involves a long-term pattern of abuse or harassment. By law, stalking occurs when someone repeatedly (twice or more) approaches you or contacts you when you've asked them to stop, or threatens (verbal, written, or vague) so that you feel fear and anxiety about being hurt. If you think you're a stalker, try calling the police. Some signs your ex is stalking you if he or she:
- trailing you
- Roam around your home, office or other areas you frequent
- Install surveillance devices in homes, cars, etc., or threaten to install them
- Contacting you in an unnatural way such as contacting your boss to discuss your relationship
- Harassing or harassing you verbally, leaving obscene messages, or making other inappropriate contact
- Annoying you or those closest to you online through comments on social media, hacking your social media accounts or emails, and so on.
- Hurting your pet
- Perform acts of vandalism or destroy your personal property
- Attacks you physically or sexually
- Do any of the above to your family, friends, coworkers, or others who know you
Step 2. Find protection if you need it
If you live in the United States, a court-issued protective order prevents someone from coming into contact with you. If your ex violates this order, he or she could be arrested and fined or jailed. If your ex-spouse endangers you or those around you, contact the authorities in your area to find out how to get protection. The laws governing this vary by area, but you can find out what options you have by contacting:
- Police
- Lawyer
- Legal assistance
- Foundation specializing in domestic torture
Step 3. Call the police if there are signs of a threat
Whether or not you have an order to protect yourself, if your ex is putting you or someone close to you at risk, call the police immediately.
Even if the police don't think this situation is a problem, try to be adamant about informing your ex-partner of stalking behavior. Explain how serious this is and bring back the old reports you've submitted earlier
Step 4. Request a police report as evidence
If you are being stalked by an ex-spouse, call the police and thoroughly explain what happened. It's important to make sure you get a formal police report which can be helpful if you want to request an order to be protected or sue later.
Document this stalking carefully. Save emails, text messages, posts on social media, and so on that annoy you. Take screenshots of posts on Facebook or tweets because he may delete them. If your ex-spouse comes to your home or office, note the day and time they arrived. Write down every time you've been bullied by your partner so you have proof if you ever have to take legal action
Step 5. Seek help from others
If other people know about this situation, you too can be protected. You may feel embarrassed or afraid to tell your ex who is bothering you, but your friends, family, and community who care about you will understand. They can also help you watch for signs that your ex will try to make contact, provide you with a place to stay if you want to run away, provide emotional support, and help in various ways.
If you are concerned about your safety at work or school, talk to a representative in the HR department or a school counselor. Most companies have protocols to help protect you, such as offering a security guard to accompany you to the car or removing your ex from work or school if he or she comes
Step 6. Understand that this situation is not your fault
Anyone can fall victim to a stalker, so it's not your fault if this obsessed ex becomes a dangerous problem. Even if you think you led him to behave this way, his stalking behavior is not your fault, so contact the authorities for help.
