Mother-daughter relationships are sometimes complicated. As a parent, you are used to determining the clothes you will wear and the attitude you should display, but as you grow, the mother-daughter dynamic changes. You want to be more independent and this often creates tension and debate. While it's normal to feel angry and upset at times, you need to know how to express those feelings without hurting yourself or your mother.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Confronting Mom
Step 1. Postpone your reaction to the situation
Sometimes the worst thing you can do is say the first thing that comes to mind when you're upset. It's most likely a bad or painful thought for Mom and you in the long run. Instead, take a moment (as long as you need!) to understand your anger. Try saying:
- "Mom, I'm really frustrated and need some time to think this through."
- "I'm a little annoyed now, but I still want to talk about this later."
Step 2. Calm down
When anger starts to flare up, try one of the following ways to calm yourself down:
- Calm yourself down by repeating reassuring words like, "It's okay, don't worry," or, "Don't worry, everything will be fine."
- Leave the situation and go for a walk or run. Exercising can help reduce the intensity of your anger, and staying away will give you time to think.
- Try counting to ten slowly before speaking (or counting further if you need more time!)
- Focus on breathing slowly. Inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat this until you feel your heart rate slow and the anger subsides.
Step 3. Identify possible solutions to the problem before responding
Once the temper tantrums have calmed down a bit, determine what outcome you want (getting car keys, being allowed to a party, an increase in pocket money, etc.) and consider ways to discuss it calmly with Mom. Keep in mind that compromise will be profitable in the long run! For example, if Mom doesn't let you borrow a car, try saying something like, "I understand you don't want me to take the car, but how about I fill it up for a hundred thousand before I return it?" and see the response.
- Try to find common ground with Mom and be prepared to make sacrifices to reach a compromise.
- Try suggesting additional cleaning tasks, such as washing the dishes or cleaning the room.
- Show Mom that you're really trying to do a task without being asked, like helping set the table for dinner or practicing an instrument.
Step 4. Express your opinion as calmly and politely as possible
When talking to Mom (or anyone else), it's okay to be conflicted as long as you avoid being disrespectful or aggressive. To have a constructive conversation, be sure to:
- Use statements starting with "I" to talk about your feelings and thoughts from an "you" perspective, which will give the impression of being less inclined to argue and can help turn the conversation with Mom into a more positive one. For example, try saying, "I'm so stressed that I have to clean the house even though I still have a lot of homework to do," instead of "Mom keeps me tidying up until I don't have time to relax."
- Avoid belittling your beliefs or ideas. You don't have to agree with everything, but saying, “That's a stupid idea,” isn't productive.
- Focus on the present and don't bring up past complaints. It will only confuse your point of view and instantly turn the conversation into an argument.
- Be respectful and avoid sarcasm at all costs. That's the quickest way to ruin a positive conversation. Instead of responding, "Yeah, I'll definitely do it right away," try saying, "I know you want me to do that now, but can I do it after doing this homework?"
- Don't pit your parents against each other. It will only make the situation worse and will hurt feelings even more.
Step 5. Listen to what Mom says
While it's hard to believe that Mom might be right, you still have to listen to her point of view. Mom may have reasons you haven't considered! Regardless, you should respect her by listening to her, just as you would want Mom to respect and listen to your point of view.
- Try restating and concluding after you've heard Mom's opinion. For example, you could say something like, “Mom, let me see if I understand correctly. I guess Mom meant I couldn't use the car on weekdays because I had to go to school, but it's fine on Saturdays as long as I fill up the gas. Right, right?"
- It has two advantages. First, it shows that you are listening to Mom. Both allow you to clarify points that could lead to misunderstandings.
Step 6. Recognize that you may not win the debate
This time you may be disobeyed, but that doesn't mean you've failed to get over your anger towards Mom. In the end, Mom has more authority than you and you have to take her word for it. However, know that your calm and rational discussion will earn Mom more respect for you, which will definitely benefit you in the next debate.
Step 7. Move on after you share your opinion
After you and your mother have had the opportunity to express your thoughts and opinions effectively and appropriately, you should move on with your life in one of two ways:
- If you can't come to an agreement, agree to disagree. Since it takes two people to argue, if you think the conversation between you and Mom isn't progressing, step back from the argument and move on. Try saying, “Mom, it looks like we're just playing around. Now, let's just talk about it."
- If you reach an agreement, acknowledge the achievement! Make sure you apologize if you have to, and be humble when you accept Mom's apology, but after that, simply say, “I really like the way we handled things. Thanks, ma'am,” will be very useful in the long run.
Part 2 of 3: Understanding Anger
Step 1. Realize that feeling angry isn't bad
Anger is a normal emotion and a common reaction to things that upset us. You need to realize that it's a good thing to express anger and avoiding anger entirely can result in bigger and more dangerous vents against you later in life.
Step 2. Investigate the feelings that underlie the anger
Getting angry with Mom is often a way to cover up true feelings or a way to convey that you have unmet needs. When you feel your anger starting to flare up, take a moment and ask yourself, "What did this feeling really lead to?" Some common causes include:
- Fragile feeling
- Shame
- Fear
- Distrust
Step 3. Consider the things that trigger your temperament
When dealing with Mom, you need to know the triggers that make you angry so that you can not only avoid the situation when you are with her, but also be prepared to deal with it in a healthy manner if the situation is inevitable. Some common triggers include:
- Invasion of space or privacy
- Discussion of school values or responsibilities
- Revocation of privileges
- Relationship questions with friends or partner
- Debate about homework
Step 4. Identify whether your anger is chronic or situational
If you tend to get angry with Mom because of certain words or situations, chances are that your anger is situational. Try to avoid situations that provoke anger and let Mom know that a few words provoked your anger. However, if your anger is extreme and often ignited or with minimal provocation, your anger may be chronic. Consider contacting an outsider such as a therapist for help dealing with these more complex feelings.
Part 3 of 3: Coping With Anger Later
Step 1. Build security in your relationship with Mom
The more often you raise issues as soon as they arise in a clear, level-headed manner, the more likely it is that Mom will admit that you're an adult, so she will trust you and your decisions and opinions more. Set ground rules and build trust and security with Mom and you'll fight less in the future.
Step 2. Find a healthy place to vent your anger
In addition to having a healthy discussion with your mother when things go wrong, you must also prevent anger from building up inside of you. Some of the commonly used containers include:
- Listening to music
- Exercising
- Write down feelings and thoughts
- Deep breathing
- Chat with trusted friends
Step 3. Take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior
It's easy to feel like Mom doesn't understand you or blame you and others for all your problems, but that's an unproductive reaction. Instead of asking why you are going through all of this, take responsibility for your feelings and your contribution to the situation. Otherwise, you will continue to make the same decisions and get into the same fights with Mom.
Tips
- For those living abroad, if you feel yourself or your mother need a consultation to control anger, please visit https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/choose-therapist.aspx to find the right expert.
- Expressing anger doesn't have to be harsh. If you live abroad and experience a dangerous or violent reaction, call (800) 799-SAFE (7233) for anonymous and confidential assistance.
