Sometimes, no matter how close you are to someone, your friend can say or do something hurtful. It's usually unintentional (although it could be intentional), but often it hurts more because he's your friend. Try to learn to control your reactions and communicate with your friends to help repair the friendship and forget what happened between you two.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Controlling Your Reactions
Step 1. Stay calm
You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control how you respond. Controlling what you do and say in a tense situation can help reduce the chances of the situation turning into a heated argument.
- Recognize your anger. It's important to know how you feel if you hope to walk away from these feelings.
- When anger causes you to speak or act, you are likely to say or do something equally hurtful to your friend. By being aware of your thoughts and feelings, you too can avoid heated arguments.
Step 2. Get away from this situation
If you can get out of this situation, even temporarily, you should. Taking a walk can clear your mind and give you time to cool off. It can also give your friend time to calm down and think about how she hurt you.
- Talking/acting when angry can also lead to arguments that damage relationships. Remember that you can't take back the words you say when you're angry, but you can choose to speak or not.
- Tell your friend that you want to go first to cool off, but you'll be back. If not, your friends might feel anxious when they see you leave suddenly.
- Make sure you walk in a safe place. Don't walk near toll roads, for example, or places that are dangerous for pedestrians.
Step 3. Use methods to calm yourself down
Maybe you can go for a walk or leave the room for a few minutes, use this time to focus on strategies for calming down. Resist the temptation to think about how your friend hurt you, and instead try to focus on calming yourself down as soon as possible.
- Breathe deeply. Take deep breaths through your diaphragm (under your ribs) instead of taking short breaths from your chest so you can breathe more slowly and calmly.
- Try thinking of something more relaxing or enjoyable to take your focus off this feeling of frustration.
- Say calming phrases like, "I can calm down if I breathe" or "Within six months this won't be a problem," to help you stay away from anger and hatred.
Part 2 of 3: Discussing Your Friends' Behavior
Step 1. Discuss your friend's behavior without beating around the bush
When you have calmed down and can talk without getting angry, you should sit down with your friend to discuss what happened. Remember that you don't have to be mean or confrontational. You can sit down with him alone and discuss what happened.
- Make sure you are completely calm when you sit down with your friend to discuss the matter.
- Tell your friend that what he said hurt.
- Do not use absolute declarative statements. Instead, use "I" statements like "I was really offended when you said that to me" or "I feel like you really disrespected me by saying that."
Step 2. Watch for patterns of painful behavior
It's possible that you didn't realize your friend was doing this hurtful behavior beforehand. Chances are your friends don't even notice. There are many different kinds of behavior that hurt, but there are six main categories of behavior that you should pay attention to:
- character assassination - generalization used to describe or define a person is always bad/unwanted
- threats or abandonment - using hurtful or threatening statements to convey disinterest or desire to abandon to make the other person feel worthless
- deletion - a generalization used to refute someone's thoughts, feelings or beliefs
- threats to alienate - tell someone directly that you don't want them in your life (similar to threatening to abandon, but more dangerous/offensive)
- challenging actions - questioning a person's ability to think, feel, or behave in a certain way (including frequent excessive use of sarcasm)
- preaching - trying to use unreliable sources to prove something and put someone down
Step 3. Confront the repeated behavior
Perhaps your friend has repeatedly hurt you through his or her cruel actions or words and left you feeling: embarrassed, resentful, and isolated. If you notice any kind of pattern in your friend's behavior, when you notice it, tell them right away that what they're doing is bad.
- Pay attention to your surroundings. If your friend is likely to be physically abusive, or if someone else could join him in opposing you, don't confront him right away.
- Realize that repeated mistakes or hurtful behavior can damage your relationship and the more often this happens, the worse you will feel for the person doing it.
- Try asking your friend how she would feel if someone she respected (for example, her parents, her religious leader, etc.) saw her behaving this way. Will he be embarrassed?
- Maybe when she's calmed down, tell her about this hurtful behavior. Let him know that what he's doing is bad for you and that he needs to change if he wants to stay friends.
- If he does it again, remind your friend that you have discussed this behavior issue before. Let him know that you don't condone his behavior and tell him that as a friend you feel the need to raise the issue with him.
Step 4. Give your friends space to respond to your words
Dialogue is important in resolving conflict. You can't discuss how your friend is being rude and how you want him to stop acting like that without giving him a chance to answer.
- Give your friend a chance to explain himself, and try to be open to what he has to say.
- It could be that your friend is acting this way because of her grief and maybe she didn't really mean it when she said it. Or maybe this was all a complete misunderstanding and your friend didn't mean his words to be digested that way.
- Let your friend digest what you have to say, respond, and trust that he will change his attitude.
Step 5. Try to be sympathetic
When telling your friend about their behavior, it's important to be as sympathetic as possible. After all, this person is your friend and chances are you are quite close to him.
- Don't be prejudiced against your friend and try not to hold on to anger at him.
- Don't ignore hurtful actions/comments, but try to communicate with them calmly and in a sympathetic manner.
- Remember that many people who hurt others do so because they themselves feel hurt or are afraid. If you keep this in mind, it's easy for you to feel sorry for the person who hurt you.
Step 6. Think about whether this friendship can last or not
If someone hurts you, you might think about getting this person out of your life. But experts say this can lead to extreme reactions or feelings of hurt. Only you can decide if you can get over how your friend hurt you, but for most people, a little time and patience can get them to forgive.
- It's a good idea to consider making up with your friend, unless he or she did something very hurtful (such as physical or emotional abuse).
- Recognize the symptoms of emotional abuse: if your friend is swearing/yelling at you, bullied you, belittled you, threatened you, or controlled you, he or she is being emotionally abused. You can't just stand by when someone emotionally abuses you, be it your friend or partner.
- If your friend commits or threatens to be violent, stay away from him because he can be dangerous.
- If you really believe that your friend will not be able to correct his behavior, and that he will continue to hurt you without thinking about your feelings, you might consider ending the friendship.
- Give yourself time to make a decision. Just like when you try not to talk when things are hot, it's also a good idea to give yourself a few days before saying something if you're considering ending the friendship.
- Avoiding your friend for a few days may help you realize that you value your friendship and want to make up. Give yourself some time and try to discuss the matter with a trusted friend or relative before speaking to the friend who hurt you.
Part 3 of 3: Forgetting Your Heartache
Step 1. Reflect on the situation
After you've taken some time to cool off and you've discussed how your friend hurt you, it's a good idea to think about everything that happened. It's not that you fixate on your hurt feelings or keep replaying what's going on in your head. Instead, you should think about everything that happened between you and your friend to try to understand the situation better.
- Think about the objective facts of this situation. Don't take it to heart, think about what was said or done, and what your friend meant.
- Try to reflect on how you reacted. Are you dealing with it well? Are you dealing with your feelings as best you can and avoiding escalating the situation?
- Just think about how this conflict is affecting your life. You can examine your self-confidence and well-being.
Step 2. Decide to let go of the hurt feelings
The first step to letting go of hurt feelings is to make a conscious decision. You can hold on to the anger and pain, or you can choose to let it go and move on with your life. It doesn't mean ignoring your pain - it means realizing that you are in pain and choosing not to live in the past.
- When you decide to stop living in the past and stop bringing up the details of your hurt feelings, you begin to heal from this painful experience.
- Making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings can give you a sense of control. It can make you realize that you have power over what controls your life.
Step 3. Stop seeing yourself as a victim
This can be very difficult for you, because your hurt feelings will linger even after you let go of the anger or hatred. If your friend hurts you, it's okay if you see yourself as a victim. But that kind of mentality only maintains the power that your friends and/or situation have over your life.
- Viewing yourself as a victim can continue to make you a victim. Your friend (or former friend, if this is the case) will be the dominant figure in your mind and life.
- When you stop defining your life by how it hurts you, you will start to feel better about your situation and life in general. Of course this takes time, but it's worth a try.
Step 4. Forgive and move on
Forgiveness may not be easy, especially if you were hurt significantly. But it is important to forget about painful experiences, and will ultimately provide mental health and happiness.
- Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget. However, forgiveness means that you must stop dwelling on anger and hatred.
- Forgiveness is the logical next step after choosing to let go of the hurt and feeling that you are the victim. Without forgiveness, you won't be able to truly let go of the hurt.
- You have to forgive yourself if you want to forgive your friend. If you're also contributing to this problem or saying something out of anger, you should let that go too.
- Once you have forgiven everyone involved, you are free to move on with your life. Whether you continue this friendship or not, over time, you can completely forget about this painful experience.
Tips
- Try to laugh at trivial ridicule. If it happens again, maybe you can calmly (but firmly) tell your friend that what he said hurt your feelings.
- Remember that you are friends for a reason. Try not to let one problem destroy your friendship.
- Be honest with yourself, if he's not your best friend, let him go.
Warning
- Don't allow violence. Whether it's emotional or physical abuse, you shouldn't let it continue to hurt you. If this happens, you should consider ending this friendship for your own safety.
- Don't say anything out of anger.
- Do not use violence or aggressive behavior. Don't respond by saying something angry. Allow yourself to calm down and try to calmly discuss the situation.
