Some people are naturally friendly. This is part of their personality trait, as well as the best way of daily living they can do. But for others, being friendly is a behavior that needs to be learned and practiced. Being friendly involves learning to present yourself to others, start a conversation, and be a confident person.
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Method 1 of 4: Mastering the Art of Conversation
Step 1. Say thank you in public
Too often, we go through daily routines that involve other people without paying any attention to their roles at all. The next time you buy coffee or pay for groceries at the store checkout, give the person helping you a smile. Make eye contact and say, "Thank you." These small actions will make you feel more comfortable interacting with other people, and very likely will make the other person's day feel more enjoyable.
A little praise can also be very useful, especially in situations that involve an element of service. Keep in mind that the shop cashier or coffee brewer serves hundreds of people every day, and many of them usually ignore them or even tend to be rude. Don't do that yourself. Be polite, and don't comment on other people's physical appearance. Just say, “Wow, thanks for helping me out so quickly,” to show that you appreciate their work
Step 2. Make eye contact
If you are in a social situation, such as a party, try to make eye contact with other people. As soon as you make eye contact, give the person a friendly, genuine smile. If the person maintains eye contact with you, approach them. (Even better if he smiles back at you!)
- If he doesn't respond, so be it. You need to be friendly, but not pushy. You don't want to force interactions on people who aren't interested.
- This method cannot be done easily in situations where people generally do not have the expectation of being approachable, for example on public transportation. Knowing the right time and place to approach other people, and when to keep quiet, is part of being friendly.
Step 3. Introduce yourself
You don't have to be a charming princess or prince to be friendly and welcoming. Maybe you should just try to introduce yourself by saying you're new to the area, or by complimenting someone else.
- Look for other people who seem shy too. You will feel uncomfortable if you immediately try to change from shy to sociable. If you're in a social situation, try to find other people who also seem shy or quiet. Usually, these people also feel uncomfortable, just like you. They will be very happy that you took the initiative to greet them first.
- Be friendly, without being pushy. After introducing yourself and asking a question or two, leave the person if he or she doesn't seem interested.
Step 4. Ask open-ended questions
One way to learn to be friendly in conversation with others is to ask open-ended questions. These kinds of questions invite people to respond to more than just a “yes” or “no” answer. It's easier to start chatting with someone you've just met if you invite them to talk about themselves. If you've already made eye contact with someone and smiled at each other, approach them and start asking questions. Here are some question ideas:
- What do you think about the book/magazine?
- What activities do you usually enjoy around this neighborhood?
- Where did you buy that cool t-shirt?
Step 5. Give praise
If you're really interested in other people, you're bound to notice the little things you like or appreciate. However, make sure that your compliment is sincere! Forced praise can be seen immediately. Think of compliments in terms of:
- I've read that book too. Very good selection of books!
- I really like your shoes. It goes well with your skirt.
- Is that hot milk coffee? It's delicious, just like my drink choice every Monday morning.
Step 6. Look for common ground
The first conversation between two people always contains the similarities between the two. To find topics to talk about, you have to look for common ground. If you work in the same company or have the same friends or whatever you have in common, problem solved. Talking about your boss or friend Surya or a cooking class will open the conversation to other topics.
- If it's really your first time meeting the person, you can start with a scenario. For example, if the situation is in a bookstore, just ask him for recommendations for his favorite reading. If you're both stuck in a long line, just crack a joke about the line.
- Give praise, but be careful not to touch on topics that make you seem judgmental. For example, you could say that you like his haircut and ask him where he got his hair cut. Or, you could also ask that you've been looking around for the same sneakers she wears for a long time and ask where she bought them. Avoid topics that are sensitive and can come across as offensive, such as body size, skin color, or physical attractiveness.
Step 7. Observe the things that excite him
If person A is completely uninterested in talking about thermodynamics and person B is completely uninterested in talking about Italian coffee (whatever the reason), this conversation will not continue at all. One of these two people should try to keep up with the interests of the other topic. You are the one who has to be this kind of person.
When you have small conversations while looking for common ground, try to pay attention to the times when the other person seems to be seriously listening. You will be able to see and hear the signs. His face becomes more expressive (and so does his voice), and maybe his body will move more. Humans show attraction in the same way. The way you talk about the one thing that interests you is likely the same way that person talks about the thing that interests you
Step 8. Chat with your co-workers
If you work, you certainly have a social environment too, which can become your social circle if you put in a little effort. Find places where these people usually congregate, such as a break room or one person's work area.
- This chat is not the right place for sensitive topics, such as religion or politics. Instead, try to get others involved in the chat by commenting on popular culture or talking about sports. People do tend to have strong opinions on these things, but they're still a safer choice of topics to keep the conversation light and friendly.
- Being friendly in the work environment is important. It's true that quiet people are not less friendly than friendly people, but in general, friendly people are considered more friendly and fun. Networking and chat at work can help you get the recognition at work you deserve.
Step 9. End the conversation in a way that makes the other person curious
Let the other person want further conversation. One good way to do this is to leave the door open for further interactions to take place. End the conversation nicely and calmly, so that the other person doesn't feel that you just dumped him after the conversation.
- For example, if you've been chatting about each of your pet dogs, ask about a nearby park that is open to dogs. If the person responds positively, you can take the dog to the park too: “Oh, you think the big park on Jalan Banteng? I've never been there. How about we go there together next Saturday?” Inviting him with a specific invitation will be more effective than simply saying "we meet again, yeah", because these words are actually just polite-sounding pleasantries.
- When you're done chatting, close the conversation by repeating the point. This will help the other person feel that you are really listening to him or her. For example, “Good luck in the marathon on Sunday! Next week tell me about your experience.”
- End by saying that you enjoyed chatting with him. "It's a pleasure to chat with you" or "Nice to meet you" will make the person you're talking to feel appreciated.
Step 10. Talk to everyone, anyone
You've now learned the art of conversation, so you should use it with people of all backgrounds. At first, you may feel uncomfortable conversing with people who you think are very different from you. However, the more you embrace diversity in your life, the more you will realize that you have something in common with everyone: we are all human.
Method 2 of 4: Get Out and Hang Out
Step 1. Set specific and reasonable goals
Being friendly is a difficult goal to achieve if it is based solely on unclear goals. You'll find it easier to break big goals into smaller ones. Don't tell yourself to be kinder, but set a goal to chat at least once, or talk to at least one person you don't know, or smile at at least five people, every day.
Start small. Have small chats (or if this is too difficult, just smile) with at least one stranger each day. Say hello to someone you meet on the street. The coffee brewer you saw every day for the past three months? Ask her name. These little achievements will keep you going and ready for more difficult challenges
Step 2. Join a suitable community
If you're still confused about how to approach other people in social situations, try joining a community that matches your interests. This will provide an opportunity for you to interact, usually in a small crowd, with people who share your interests.
- Look for a community that encourages socializing, such as a book lover community or a cooking class. You can ask questions and engage in discussions, but the focus of the conversation is not you. This kind of situation is very good for shy people.
- Sharing experiences can be a great socializing technique. Joining a community that allows you to share your experiences with others will be a great start, as you will find common ground with the people in that community.
Step 3. Invite other people to visit your home
You can even stay home while practicing being friendly. Invite people to watch a movie together or have dinner together at your house. If you're friendly enough when you invite people over, people will feel that you appreciate them (and they'll have a lot of fun).
Try to create situations that spark conversation. You can host a shared wine event, with each guest bringing his or her own wine so people can taste and compare the flavors of different types of angut. You can also host dinner parties with each guest bringing their favorite grandma's recipe, and guests can share recipes with each other while chatting. Topics or reasons for people to chat with each other keep the event lively and fun (after all, eating out or drinking wine is always fun)
Step 4. Master a certain hobby
Everyone needs a field to master. Humans are born with the need to control something. Hobbies are a low-risk way to get this feeling. If we are very much in control of something, we feel proud and confident overall. After all, if we do this one thing, who says we can't do anything else too?
Hobbies are also a topic of conversation with people you just met. Hobbies are often a way for you to meet new people. In addition, hobbies also provide health benefits, because it lowers the risk of depression
Step 5. Dress according to the personality you want
It may sound cliché, but research does show that clothes really do affect how you feel about yourself. Dressing in a way that expresses your personality and values can make you feel more confident, and it can help you to be kinder.
- One study proved that wearing a lab coat alone would increase people's concentration and accuracy when performing scientific tasks. You are the clothes you wear. If you feel a little nervous when you hang out, wear clothes that make you feel stronger and more attractive. That confidence will shine through in the interactions you make.
- Clothing can also be an excellent conversation starter. Wearing a cute patterned tie or a bold bracelet can be a trigger for other people to start talking to you. You can also compliment something someone else is wearing as a way to start interacting.
- Be careful not to come across as judgmental when complimenting, for example, “That dress makes you look so slim!” Comments like this focus on general beauty standards, not on the person you're interacting with. Instead, try saying something positive but non-judgmental, such as “I really like your tie pattern, it's great…” or “I've been looking for shoes like yours for a long time. Where did you buy it?”
Step 6. Develop the friendships you already have
Make sure that you continue to develop relationships with the friends you already have while increasing their number with the people you just met. Not only will you become connected with more people, but also grow and gain new experiences that you can share with these two groups of friends.
Old friends are a good training tool. They can introduce you to new people or accompany you to places you wouldn't go alone. Don't forget old friends! It's also possible that your old friends are trying to learn how to be friendly and sociable too
Step 7. Help people get to know each other
Part of being friendly is helping others feel comfortable. Once you're more comfortable introducing yourself, continue this by introducing people to each other.
Introducing people to each other helps remove awkwardness in social situations. Think about what you know about each person: what do they have in common? While you're chatting with Yuli from the veggie shop, take a moment to call your other friends, “Hi, Surya! This is Julie. We were chatting about a new band playing at the bar last night. You think bands are good, don't you?” (if indeed you know that Yuli and Surya both love music). Success
Method 3 of 4: Communicating with Body Language
Step 1. Observe your body language
Your nonverbal communication, such as body language and eye contact, can convey as much of a message as your words can. According to body language researcher Amy Cuddy, the way your body behaves conveys messages about yourself to others. People judge others as attractive, fun, competent, trustworthy, or just aggressive, after only a fraction of a second. Some studies show that you may only have a tenth of a second to make a first impression.
- For example, making yourself appear physically smaller by crossing your legs, bending over, clasping your arms, etc. which kind of indicates that you are not comfortable in the situation at hand. This can convey the message that you don't want to interact with other people.
- On the other hand, you can also express your confidence and strength by showing an open attitude. You don't have to "invade" other people's space or take up more space than necessary, but make sure you set space limits for yourself. Place your feet firmly in a standing or sitting position. Stand with your chest open and shoulders pulled back. Don't make small repetitive movements with your feet, don't bring your feet together, and don't shift your weight.
- Your body language also affects how you feel about yourself. People who use "weak" body language, such as making themselves appear smaller or covering themselves up by crossing their legs or arms, actually increase the hormone cortisol. This is a hormone associated with insecurity.
Step 2. Make eye contact
Eyes are called the “window of the soul,” and you can become a kinder person simply by making eye contact with other people. For example, if you look someone straight in the eye, this is usually interpreted as an open invitation. If the person looks back into your eyes, this could be interpreted as accepting/welcoming your invitation.
- People who make eye contact while talking are often seen as more friendly, open, and trustworthy. People who are extroverted and confident in social situations look more and more at the person they are talking to or interacting with.
- Humans are naturally programmed to like eye contact. Eye contact produces a sense of connection between people, even though the eyes may be just a photo or even an image.
- Try to maintain eye contact with the other person for about 50% of the time you talk, and for about 70% of the time you listen to him. Hold eye contact for 4-5 seconds, before looking away.
Step 3. Show your interest through body language cues
In addition to how to stand and sit when alone, you can also communicate with body language when interacting with other people. "Open" body language conveys the message that you are really ready and interested in the other person.
- Open body language, for example, is uncrossed arms and legs, smiling, and looking up and around the room.
- As soon as you make contact with someone, show your interest in them. For example, leaning over and tilting your head toward him when he's talking is a way to show that you're really involved in the conversation and interested in what he's saying.
- Many body language cues can be used to convey romantic interest, but they can also convey unrelated interest.
Step 4. Be an active listener
When you listen to someone, show them that you are fully engaged in the conversation. Focus on what he is saying. Look at him as he speaks. Nodding and making brief comments like "hmm…" or "yes, yes…" and smiling are all ways to show that you're really following the conversation.
- Don't stare at the person's head or any other point in the room for more than a few seconds, as this indicates that you are bored or not paying attention to the conversation.
- Repeat the main points he said, or include them in your answer. For example, if you're having a conversation with a new person at a bar and he or she tells you about his hobby, fishing, mention that hobby when you respond: “Well, I've never tried fishing. Your story made me very interested to try it.” This will let the person see that you're really listening, rather than pretending to be listening while thinking about the grocery list or whatever else.
- Let the other person finish before you answer.
- While listening, don't be busy planning the answer you will say as soon as the person has finished speaking. Focus on the communication process he is doing.
Step 5. Practice your smile
If you've ever heard the advice "Smile until you see it in your eyes", know that science supports this advice. People can tell the difference between a genuine smile and a fake one, because a genuine smile moves more facial muscles than an insincere smile. This genuine smile even has a special title in English: the “Duchenne” smile. This type of smile activates the muscles around your mouth and eyes.
- A genuine smile has been shown to reduce stress levels and produce a sense of moderation in people who do so. When you feel happy like this, you will be more open and friendly towards others.
- Research shows that a genuine smile can actually be practiced. One way is to imagine a situation in which you felt a positive emotion, such as happiness or love. Practice smiling in front of the mirror. Observe if your eyes look wrinkled at the edges, because this is a sign of a genuine smile.
Step 6. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone
According to psychologists, there is an anxiety zone and a less comfortable zone, which is actually productive and is a little outside your comfort zone. In this less comfortable zone, you will be more productive because you are willing to take risks, without moving so far from the safety limits that you are too anxious and can't do anything.
- For example, when you start a new job, go on a first date, or enter a new school, you might try harder at first, because the situation is new to you. This will increase your alertness and effort, thus increasing your performance.
- Let this process run slowly. Pushing yourself too far or too fast can be detrimental to your ability to perform well, as anxiety can escalate beyond maximizing levels to paralyze you. Try taking small steps just outside of your comfort zone at first. As you become more comfortable with the risks you're taking to become more extroverted, you can take bigger steps.
Step 7. Consider the failure that has occurred as a lesson
Every risk contains the possibility of failure, or at least an unexpected outcome. It's easy to view this non-conformance with expectations as failure. Actually, this way of thinking doesn't touch the whole problem. Even though you may get the worst results, you are actually still getting lessons that you can use for the next time. Your perspective is very important in this matter.
- Pay attention to how you handle the situation. What are you planning? Is there something you didn't plan? After acquiring this lesson, what do you think you could do differently next time?
- What are you doing to strengthen your chances of success? For example, if your goal is to “socialize more”, pay attention to the actions you take. Do you go to a place where you only know a few people? Did you go there with a friend? Are you looking for a fun place where you might meet people who share your interests? Do you hope to become a sociable expert in an instant, or do you set small, reasonable initial goals? Prepare for future success by leveraging the learning you already have today.
- Focus on what you can control. Failure makes us feel helpless, as if we will never succeed at all. Sure, there are things we can't control, but there are also things we can control. Think about times when you had the ability to make changes, and learn how you can take advantage of these the next time around.
- Research shows that many people place their self-worth directly on their ability to perform. Learn to focus on your efforts, not the results, because you can't control the results all the time. Practice compassion for yourself, especially when you fall. All of these ways can be used for better success in the future.
Method 4 of 4: Think Positive, Effective, and Confident
Step 1. Face the criticism within yourself
Changing behavior can be difficult, especially if you're trying to do something you don't naturally do. You may hear a whisper in your heart that says, “That person doesn't want to be your friend. You have nothing interesting to talk about. Your words will sound ridiculous…” These thoughts arise out of fear, not out of reality. Just deal with these criticisms by reminding yourself that you do have thoughts and ideas that other people want to hear.
- Observe whether these whispers that appear in your mind are indeed proven. For example, if a coworker comes to your desk without saying hello, the automatic response that comes to your mind might be, “Hmm… He must be mad at me. I wonder why? Surely he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, okay?"
- Deal with this kind of thinking by looking for supporting evidence, which is usually scanty or non-existent. Ask yourself these questions: Has that person ever said that he or she was angry with you before? If he had, he might as well say it this time if he was really angry. Have you really done anything to make him angry? Wasn't he just in an unpleasant situation?
- Many of us, especially those who are naturally more shy, exaggerate the impact our mistakes and mistakes have on others. As long as you remain open, honest, and friendly, most people won't turn you down just because you make mistakes sometimes. Punishing yourself too much for wrongdoing could be a sign that anxiety is blocking you from learning and growing.
Step 2. Be friendly within your own boundaries
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted and shy. Just decide what you want to change about yourself, and do it only for yourself, not because someone else is telling you to change.
- Think about why being this shy person isn't fun for you. Maybe this is just a problem that needs to be fixed. It's also possible that you just want to be able to feel more comfortable talking to people around you. Being an introverted self is much better than not being yourself and forcing yourself to pretend to be an extrovert.
- Imagine a situation that usually triggers your shyness. How does your body respond? What are your tendencies? Understanding how you behave is the first step to controlling your reactions.
Step 3. Start when you are able to start
If you wait to feel ready and then act, you will have little chance of actually succeeding and witnessing change. Research has shown that you can increase your efficiency by acting according to your desired action picture, even though you may not believe it right away. We should be grateful that there is a thing called the placebo effect (the effect that actually occurs due to the influence of suggestion), so that we can see that often our expectations of the results are enough to make the results actually happen. Just do it, though perhaps without full understanding and belief, and the results will come.
Step 4. Set reasonable goals
Ian Antono did not become a guitar god overnight. The city of Rome was not built to be that grand in a day. No tennis champion has won his title in just 24 hours. You won't be successful in becoming a sociable person in a short time. Set reasonable goals for yourself, and don't worry or be disappointed if you still make mistakes sometimes. Everyone must make mistakes.
Only you know exactly what will be a challenge and what will not be for you. If you were to measure your level of friendliness on a scale of 1-10, what would you score? So, what behaviors can you do to increase the value of your friendliness just one level? Stay focused on the behavior, and don't go straight for 9s and 10s
Step 5. Acknowledge that hospitality is also a skill
At times, it seemed that all sociable people were born with this ability. And this is true, because some people are born with a more curious and friendly attitude, but most of the friendly attitude has to be learned. Research from around the world supports that you can learn to change your reaction to situations by practicing new habits of thinking and behavior.
If you know friendly people (and you definitely know them), ask them about extroverts. Have they always been like that? Have they ever felt compelled to try to be friendly? Do they also have certain social fears/clumsiness, even if they are minor? The answer may be no, yes, and yes. This friendly attitude was just something they had decided to control
Step 6. Think back to the success you've achieved
When you're at a party, your usual anxiety may start to take over you when you think about having to interact with the other people at the party. In this situation, recall other situations when you felt comfortable and successfully interacted with other people. Perhaps you are friendly to close family and friends, at least once in a while. Bring your success to the current situation.
Thinking about times when we succeeded in doing something we were really afraid of or worried about shows that we are capable, and this makes us more confident
Tips
- Stay aware of the situation around you, and enjoy the moment you are passing. If you can't enjoy it, so will everyone else!
- Smile as often as possible. Whether you're alone or with other people, smiling will put you in a better mood and better able to be friendly.
- Once you feel friendly when you initiate interactions with other people, take the next step. Learn how to have a good conversation and how to be a charming person.
- Don't feel too compelled to behave like everyone else. Be yourself, because this is the best way to be a confident person.
- If other people ask you questions about your life, make sure that you ask them about theirs. It's easy to forget about this, but if you manage to do it, the conversation can go on a lot smoother and longer.
- Remember that this is not an instantaneous change from being shy and quiet to being open and friendly. It may take days, months, or even years to maintain your best level of self-confidence. Do not rush. Practice being friendly by chatting with people. Just do it in class or at work. It doesn't matter where you practice.
- Approach other people first. If you see someone you don't know and they seem nice, just say hello and say, "Hi, what's your name?" and after he answers say again, “Oh, my name is (say your name), and you are my new friend.” It may seem strange to the person, but that's okay. He'll see that you're friendly and you don't mind chatting with new people.
