Most parents do not intend to spoil their children. It happens gradually: you give in to whining, you leave tasks unfinished, or you buy too many toys and treats; and your children are slowly becoming stubborn and ungrateful. Fortunately, you can repair this damage. Start with Step 1 to learn how.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Part 1: Identifying the Cause
Step 1. Acknowledge that your child is spoiled
Stop making excuses for your child's behavior, stop supporting the behavior and take action to raise children who are better socialized. If you're not sure, ask yourself:
- Are you afraid to say no to your child?
- Do you routinely avoid saying no to avoid outbursts of anger in your child?
- Does your child's behavior make it difficult for them to socialize? Does he have trouble playing on the playground? Does he treat relatives in a way that relatives regularly comment on? Is your child unable to deal with authority figures, such as teachers, coaches, and other similar figures?
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Do you find yourself always "giving up" on things you know you shouldn't be doing?
Unspoil a Child Step 1
Step 2. How did you get to this point?
As a parent, you have the most important role in shaping your child's behavior. Parents spoil their children for a variety of reasons, but most fall into one or more of these categories:
- Please your child. Parents naturally want their sons and daughters to feel happy and enjoy their childhood. Therefore, parents pamper their children excessively. You may be more likely to fall into this trap if you had a difficult, unhappy, or deprived childhood. However, going along with everything, "buying their love," and avoiding setting boundaries because your children are likely to get mad at you does nothing good for them.
- Self-esteem trap. Some parents fail to enforce healthy boundaries (including proper punishment) because they worry that controlling bad behavior will make their child feel inferior. Such parents sometimes adopt the "my child can't do anything wrong" mindset. Very often, these children are also raised with being told that they are "special" and therefore any rules that may apply to others do not apply to them.
- The easiest path. It's easier to comply with your child's requests than to listen to whining and complaining. Or just do the laundry yourself. If you don't have much time with your child, this is bound to happen. But unfortunately, this can result in the child essentially never working at all or hearing the word "no".
- Low demands. If you don't demand good behavior from your child, you probably won't get it either. Perhaps you hold onto the image of your child as being younger than they really are. You may be trying to hold on to his infancy, rather than see that he could really hold onto higher responsibilities. Or trying to overcompensate for a difficult early childhood, a trauma, or some other situation long gone.
- You are pampered. Parents tend to treat their children the way they used to be treated. Hopefully, you can see that this is not a healthy pattern, and are determined to break it. You may need help from a spouse, relative, friend, or other adult who was not raised this way. There are many "parenting" classes that can help you relearn how to raise children.
Step 3. Why is YOU - the adult - not in control?
Spoiled children only become that way because one or more adults don't impose the right demands, boundaries, values, and power structures. To some extent, the spoiled child sees that he is in control, not the parent. To change this mindset, healthier "rules" must apply. For example:
- Adults are in control. They make decisions as to what is good for the family and the children. They are in control because they are older, wiser, provide for the family, and have legal responsibility for children who are still dependent on their parents. This does not mean that children do not have input or opinions, but at the end of the day, making decisions about parenting is the responsibility and privilege of adults.
- Authoritative figures are not your equal (and that's OK). This doesn't mean adults aren't affectionate, exciting, or fun. But we are responsible for growing you up in a way that your friends can't. Friends come and go, but family is forever.
- Children have behavioral demands. Whining, complaining, lying, manipulating, being rude, and the like is totally unacceptable. Outbursts of anger will not be tolerated or accepted for anyone who is able to go to the toilet on their own, and will not be rewarded. This varies by age – a 4 year old will not have the same capacity as a 17 year old.
- Children contribute. Everyone in the household is required to help, including the children. Mom shouldn't be the only one doing the housework! Sharing domestic work teaches children important life skills, and builds independence and respect for one another and respect for the home.
- Healthy boundaries. Parents make decisions about what is good for younger children. This can mean limiting unhealthy foods. TV viewing time will be limited. A 17-year-old cannot own a car until he has a job to earn money to help finance the privilege.
- People mean more than things. It may be nice to have nice things, but more importantly family and friends. It also means treating people with respect, courtesy, and kindness. It also means respecting those in charge of financing, not as "Father's Bank".
Step 4. Write a parenting journal
This can help find the exact moment when the spoiled behavior is most noticeable and the possible causes.
- Write down the situation and your child's behavior.
- Look for patterns. For example, you may find that your child tends to misbehave especially at the grocery store.
- Later, think about why it happened. For example, maybe you need to make it clear that you will only buy items that are on your shopping list. Asking for a snack means there won't be a walk to the park after. Good behavior will be rewarded with a favorite dinner menu.
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You can also see patterns of good behavior. For example, you may notice that your child is constantly being rude to you, but has complete respect for Grandma. What qualities did Grandma display that you didn't? Why is this not the same for you?
Unspoil a Child Step 3
Step 5. What does unspoiled behavior look like?
You may know what behavior you want to stop, but what kind of behavior do you want exactly? It's hard to imagine success if you're not sure what kind of behavior you want. For example:
- A 15 year old will buy clothes according to their clothing budget. He'll buy cheaper clothes, go to thrift stores to find branded clothes, buy just a few expensive clothes, or make a wish list for his birthday.
- A 9-year-old boy will eat a healthier, more balanced diet and exercise more. Fatty sweet foods will be a gift, not a daily habit. Video games will be reduced, and he will participate in regular physical activities.
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A 10-year-old girl will respond appropriately when asked to turn off the TV at bedtime – not with tears in her eyes and clinging to you and wailing.
Unspoil a Child Step 4
Step 6. If you have a husband/wife, both of you should have the same attitude
The process of stopping the indulgence will require the two of you to work together. Spoiled children are often very intelligent and pit their parents against each other. Or know who can be manipulated. Breaking this bad parenting pattern will require teamwork.
Step 7. Find friends, teachers, and mentors
If you've spoiled your child, fixing it can be frustrating, exhausting, and unpleasant. It will be easy to give up and obey the child's wishes. You will need to enlist the help of an adult who can help you through this process. Even if you have a spouse, you may need additional support. Consider:
- Family members.
- Friends.
- Parenting support groups. Look in the local newspaper or Craigslist.org to find parenting support groups.
- Family therapist/social worker.
- Parent education class.
Method 2 of 3: Part 2: Re-educate Your Child
Step 1. Your child won't like the new rules and demands at first
Absolutely not. He had lived a life of luxury and power. In fact, you should be prepared for his bad behavior to get worse. You have to become stronger.
Step 2. Set the rules
Explain to your child the new guidelines for family life: rules, demands, tasks, and so on.
- State clearly where the rules come from. You are an adult, and you help them become better. Rules help everyone know what is and isn't. You don't have to like the rules, but you are required to obey them.
- Make the rules clear and simple. Your child needs to know exactly what is required of him. Establish specific penalties for violating these rules.
- Don't take things personally: for example, say, "You've been a bad boy all this time, you have to follow these rules." put the blame and judgment on the child, when in fact you are the one who is not the right parent for the child.
- Write down your rules and display them in a conspicuous place, such as in the refrigerator. This way, no one can say that they don't know the rules. Younger children may understand better if there are pictures illustrating the rules.
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Remember the prize! This can be quite difficult, because you have previously given a gift without demanding much, or nothing at all, to get the gift.
Unspoil a Child Step 6
Step 3. Be consistent
Once you have established the rules, stick to them. If you don't, your child will only learn that you can be successfully challenged, ignored, or bargained for. It means you are consistent even if you are tired, even if you don't want to, even if you feel guilty.
Step 4. Give one (or three) warnings, then provide consequences
For younger children, it is wise to give them the opportunity to change behavior before punishment. The three warnings for "less than totally unacceptable" actions are a good guide. Don't give a "final warning" more than once, otherwise your child will learn that it's not a real end warning.
Step 5. Apply punishment consistently
When a rule is broken, deliver the consequences – no unnecessary discussion. If, for example, your child doesn't clean his room, even though he is required to do so and despite your warning, then just apply the punishment.
Step 6. No empty threats
Don't threaten to inflict punishment you can't or won't do. Eventually your child will "dare to ignore your empty threats" and discover that your authority is false.
Step 7. Don't give in to whining, complaining, or other bad behavior
After you say "no" to something or punish a certain behavior, don't go back on your decision. Remain calm, even if your child makes a fuss. If you never give up, your child will learn that those tactics no longer work.
In public, this strategy can feel embarrassing and stressful, but it's still better than giving in to bad behavior. If you have to, leave the location and confront your child at home, but don't go back on your decision
Step 8. Try to stick to a new plan often, accept that you won't be perfect
You will meet situations where you fail. You will occasionally fall back into old habits. You may encounter situations that are not covered by the new rules. It's all okay. Parenting is hard and complicated and messy and imperfect. Do not give up; keep fighting.
Method 3 of 3: Part 3: Maximizing Your Chances of Success
Step 1. Avoid overprotecting your child
Children need to learn to take care of themselves and help others; they need to develop a strong work ethic and gain responsibility. If you protect them from all disappointment, they won't learn what they need to learn.
Step 2. Emphasize house rules for the whole family
When kids are very young, it's really okay to clean up the mess they make. However, as early as possible, start teaching independence and emphasize the fact that every member of the family must contribute to the success of the household.
You can start by teaching children to tidy up their toys after playing. As he grows older, add other tasks
Step 3. Be a role model
You will not succeed in demanding your children to work hard if you do not work hard yourself. Make sure your child sees you at work and knows that you often do chores and tasks when you really want to do something else.
Step 4. Work on the task together
Big tasks – cleaning their own room, for example, or washing the dishes after a meal – can be overwhelming for kids, so work on them together, at least at first. This will allow you to teach your child how to do homework properly. It also helps make your child feel more comfortable and capable.
Step 5. Follow a schedule
You're likely to be more successful if you stick to a schedule for other tasks and responsibilities. Children are less likely to complain once they realize that, for example, they will always be required to clean the room on Sundays.
Step 6. Engage other authority figures
Make sure you and your spouse agree on the rules, and let grandparents, babysitters, and other caregivers know what you're up to. It's best if these people don't interfere with your efforts by giving in to severe whining, permitting bad behavior, or showering your child with gifts.
Step 7. Teach patience
Children often struggle to be patient, but they will be more successful in life if they learn that they need to wait and/or work to get their reward. Explain to your child that he can't have what he wants right away or all the time.
Involving your child in planning something desired, such as a vacation can help. Explain that he must first save some money and that other specific conditions (holiday dates, weather conditions, etc.) must be met. Emphasize how much more satisfying the vacation will be because he has been waiting and planning it
Step 8. Don't emphasize material objects
No matter what you can afford, you are better off not buying your child whatever he wants. In particular, try not to reward good behavior with only material goods. Instead, reward your child with time spent together doing something fun.
If your child really likes getting a certain item, use it as an opportunity to teach the value of a hundred dollars. Help your child earn money and save it. For more expensive things, you can demand that your child earn and keep only a few percent of the total price
Step 9. Ignore complaints about what other children have or do
When your child says “but other children have…" or “but my friends don't have to…" tell your child that he has to follow your family rules. Emphasize the fact that you are doing what you believe is best.
Step 10. Accept that your child will sometimes be disappointed
Don't rush to calm your child down whenever he's feeling down or down. There's no need to apologize for imposing pre-defined punishments for bad behavior or for refusing to buy toys or treats that your child hasn't been able to get by your rules. Disappointment is a part of life, and this is one way of learning about it.
Tips
- Understand that stopping child spoiling is a gradual process. It takes time to pamper children, and it will take time to teach new values and better behavior.
- Most children have a natural tendency to love and help others. Develop this tendency by teaching your child that giving is more important than receiving.
- Handling a spoiled child can be very upsetting, but try not to yell at your child or use physical punishment for their bad behavior. Try to be calm, firm, and straightforward.
Warning
- If you tell them to hurry up, they can get annoyed or just keep doing what they usually do.
- Remember: don't be too hard on them; they can think of running away from home!
