Many people think that a relationship should run smoothly and problems can be solved easily, but often a marriage has to be handled in a thoughtful way. Marriage counseling is a great way to deal with marital problems, and can be especially helpful if you and your partner can't seem to work things out on your own anymore. Don't procrastinate until your relationship is in crisis. To determine if you need a counselor, read the following steps.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Assessing Your Relationship Thoroughly
Step 1. Admit that you have a problem
Some people let their relationship get worse because they don't want to admit to themselves, or to their partner, that they feel bored, dissatisfied, or not understood. Acknowledging that your marriage needs work is the first step to solving problems.
Step 2. Recognize your own feelings
Try to observe your own thoughts and feelings before you try to improve the relationship. Even though it might hurt, ask yourself if you really love your partner. If the answer is no--and even more so if you feel like you won't be able to recover from these feelings-saving your marriage may be a completely pointless endeavor.
If you feel like you no longer care about your partner, ask yourself if this might be a defense mechanism. Sometimes, when you feel deeply hurt by your partner, you choose an “can't care less” attitude to protect yourself from grief, rejection, and vulnerability
Step 3. Be honest about whether you and your partner don't care about each other anymore
In a new relationship, people tend to want to show the best side of themselves by taking care of their physical appearance, listening attentively, and trying to understand their partner's feelings wholeheartedly. But marriage is a long term relationship, and after a few years, you both start to care less about each other. This is a sign that your relationship needs to be restored, perhaps with the help of a counselor.
Step 4. Reflect on the level of intimacy between the two of you
Do you and your partner have a romantic relationship? Do you live together lovingly, being a supportive partner, or have the two of you become like housemates? Notice if the gap is widening between the two of you, and think about whether you want to bridge this distance, are you willing to make a commitment to counseling and trying to change your behavior?
Take this issue seriously especially if you really feel neglected by your partner. If you feel neglected because your partner is too busy with work, hobbies, or other interests, this will have an impact on your marital relationship
Step 5. Pay attention to your sex life
Are you happy with your sex life? If your partner suddenly doesn't want to have sex anymore, this may be a sign of trouble, which could be because he's having an affair, is having other problems, or maybe he feels like he's getting farther away from you. This is a big problem, and vice versa, if you feel you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner, this can also create problems.
Step 6. Ask yourself if you are trying to cover up your negative emotions
If you often feel like you're pretending that everything is okay or trying to suppress your sadness, anger, or disappointment, try talking about a counseling plan with your partner.
Step 7. Talk to your partner
Your partner also needs to be able to recognize his own feelings, and you both need to decide if you want to see a marriage counselor. If one or both of you are unwilling to participate in this process, there may be no point in seeing a counselor.
Method 2 of 3: Dealing with Crisis and Conflict
Step 1. Seek a marriage counselor if separation seems inevitable
If one or both of you start to talk about divorce or separation, it's time to take your relationship seriously. If both of you want to improve your relationship, see a counselor as soon as possible.
This advice is also useful if the argument gets so intense that one of you wants to leave the house, and is making plans for a temporary breakup without a plan. This pattern has the potential to cause destruction, and will not solve anything because no matter what the issue you are arguing about there will be no solution, and will probably continue to grow
Step 2. Seek counseling if one or both of you are no longer faithful to each other
Infidelity doesn't have to lead to a divorce, but it takes a lot of time and commitment to fix the big problem of broken trust. Professional help is highly recommended in this situation.
Disloyalty can have emotional and physical repercussions. When partners feel separated, they will become vulnerable to "emotional connection" by cultivating feelings and building closeness with other people, even though this relationship does not involve sexual activity. Emotional connection is a sign that can give a warning that your marriage needs serious handling
Step 3. Seek help if either of you has a mental breakdown
If one of you is both dealing with depression, anxiety, or serious mental health issues, your relationship will be in serious trouble. In addition to private counseling for people with mental disorders, the two of you should also see a marriage counselor together.
Step 4. Try seeking help dealing with the traumatic experience
People who are troubled by having had a traumatic experience sometimes have problems in their marriage as a result of this. If one or both of you have been through a major disappointment or stressful event, you need to decide whether marriage counseling can improve your relationship. Consider seeing a marriage counselor if your relationship has been affected by events such as:
- the death of a parent, child, or other close family
- serious illness
- rape, physical assault, or other violent experiences
Step 5. Find a counselor if you and your partner cannot agree on a decision about children
Starting a family life can throw your relationship off balance. A marriage counselor may be needed if:
- You don't agree whether you want to have one or more children
- You disagree on how to raise the child(s)
- You argue a lot about discipline
- You defend your marriage "for the sake of the child(s)"
Method 3 of 3: Solving Communication Problems
Step 1. Seek help if you are constantly fighting
If every conversation always seems to end in an argument, seek marriage counseling, especially if your argument is getting more negative and hurtful.
In a good marriage, arguments don't have to turn into derogatory or insulting criticism. There must be a principle of mutual respect and love that can prevent conflict from becoming more painful or vicious. If you and your partner are not in this situation, you should seek a counselor
Step 2. Consider counseling if you're fighting over the same thing over and over again
If you often have discussions and fights with your partner just to discuss the same thing as “broken record,” this may mean that there is an unresolved problem. Both of you may need professional help to communicate with each other and resolve underlying issues.
Step 3. Take negative communication seriously
In a healthy marriage, your communication should be positive and respectful, or at least neutral. If the opposite is true, you and your partner insult each other or complain to each other, no longer caring about the other's needs, this is negative communication that signals a serious problem in your relationship.
Step 4. Find a marriage counselor if the two of you are no longer supportive of each other
You and your partner should support each other and encourage each other to achieve goals and become better people. If either of you feel neglected or unsupported, communication may be lost. A marriage counselor can help you to express your desires clearly and both of you can get back to supporting each other well.
Step 5. Seek help if you don't seem to understand each other well
If your partner has different or conflicting perspectives, it can be difficult to understand each other and make your feelings understood. A marriage counselor can help you with a variety of issues related to this communication, including if any:
- value system difference
- different religious beliefs
- different parenting styles
- difference of interest
- different views on what married life should be like
Step 6. Resolve financial conflicts
Marriage counselors can also help with fights over finances, which often escalate into communication problems. If you and your partner don't communicate well about how to spend money, how to budget, or who should manage finances, a marriage counselor may be able to help.
Tips
- Know that conflicts and fights are normal and healthy in a marriage. You can't expect a conflict-free relationship. However, you must be able to adjust the tone and consider the merits of your argument and try to remain respectful of each other.
- It's better to see a marriage counselor immediately if you realize there's a serious problem than to wait too long and let your relationship get worse. Many couples who do marriage counseling wish they had asked for help much earlier.
- If you decide to go for marriage counseling, try to go through it with an open mind and a positive attitude. This method can usually help you to successfully repair your relationship.
