Of course you care about your boyfriend, but you may want more space than your partner is willing to give you. Maybe your partner keeps calling you whenever he or she needs you (and maybe that's every day) or is constantly asking for your time, energy, and money. This is especially a difficult issue to discuss because you may be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings because you want some alone time. Finding a balance between spending time together and having your own space can be difficult at times, but it's still possible.
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Part 1 of 3: Coping With Spoiled Behavior and Motivation
Step 1. Understand what spoils a person
Often couples are spoiled for fear that the person he cares about will leave him. You may subconsciously be spending less time together, texting or calling less frequently, or not being as convincing as before. The fear of being neglected will emerge. Although you don't have to convince him, you can now understand the behavior and the motivation behind it.
If your partner starts to worry that you will leave him, remind him that even if you can't predict the future, you are both happy right now and it's best to focus on the present
Step 2. Self-reflection regarding personal relationship history
Sometimes you choose the person you are most attracted to, but spark your deepest worries. This also applies to couples. Without realizing it, you can trigger worries in your partner that you have never touched before. Realize that this means that one of the parties wants to be closer or farther away. Even if there are times when you may be tempted to run away, sticking around and solving the problem will pay off well.
- Maybe you've interacted with a spoiled person before (like a sibling or ex-spouse) and your current partner's behavior triggers those memories that make you want to run away. Before blaming your partner, take some time to reflect on your own life.
- Have you been spoiled in a previous relationship? Why were you spoiled and how did your previous partner respond to your behavior?
- What part of your spoiled behavior irritates you and how do you respond to it? Are you angry, frustrated, or distant?
Step 3. Navigate the manipulation
There is a difference between begging and manipulation. Manipulation often requires you to give something to someone else. Manipulators may use your weaknesses, blame you, or insist that only you can help them. Especially if you are usually genuinely helpful, be careful not to take advantage of your partner. Ask yourself whether the partner's actions are demanding or manipulative.
- Manipulation is often exhausting and difficult for you when your partner doesn't get what he wants. As a result, your partner may ignore you or not do your homework. Your partner may even go to extremes, such as threatening to hurt him or her if he doesn't get what he wants. If you find yourself having a hard time not complying with your partner's requests or wishes, your partner may be manipulating you.
- If you feel manipulated, be careful how you interact with your partner, especially when offering help, money, or giving something away.
- For more information, read How to Recognize Manipulative Behavior and How to Recognize a Manipulative and Controlling Relationship.
Step 4. Be patient with your partner
Spoiled attitude couples sometimes just happen. Remind yourself of all the things that make a great partner in your eyes and that make a great relationship. Be patient and empathize with your partner about why you feel that way. Maybe your partner has felt neglected or there are things you don't really understand about your partner.
When you feel angry and frustrated, remind yourself to be patient, caring, and gentle with your partner and their emotions
Step 5. Use imagination associated with healthy relationships
If you tend to run away, imagine yourself in a safe and balanced relationship. If your partner tends to be spoiled, ask him to imagine himself in a balanced relationship. Even just imagining a safe and healthy relationship can help, especially during times of stress.
Spend some time with your partner for this exercise. Close your eyes and imagine what a healthy relationship would look like for you (and your partner). Imagine feeling calm, focused, and happy when you think about this relationship. How does it feel? What do you two do together and separately? Then, distract yourself and imagine that that's the relationship you have. When you're done, open your eyes and discuss
Step 6. Review whether you are interdependent in the relationship
Often there is something about the relationship that benefits both parties and not just one of them. So, if you have a partner that you think is spoiled, could it be that you somehow benefited from it or allowed it to be spoiled? Some signs that you are dependent on each other in a relationship are that you are unable to find happiness without each other and stay together even if one of you has unhealthy or destructive behaviors (such as alcoholism or drug abuse).
- Do you find that you surrender to your partner (emotionally, physically, or financially) even if it is having a negative impact on your health and well-being?
- Ask yourself if you're sacrificing your own needs to meet your partner's needs. This can lead to long and short term consequences.
- Ask yourself if you're genuinely happy with your partner or if you're just still in a relationship because you're afraid you'll lose something if you two break up.
Step 7. Follow where the relationship develops
Remember that there are times when you are spoiled and there are times when your partner walks away from you. That's the normal flow of a relationship. When you care about someone, you choose to love and support them in good times and bad, even when it impacts your life. Remind yourself that situations and circumstances are changeable and flexible.
Is your partner being spoiled because of a situation or event? If so, you may need to give your partner time to rest and focus on supporting them. There will be times when you need additional support as well
Part 2 of 3: Discussing Problems with Your Partner
Step 1. Think about what is bothering you
While it may seem simple, think about what's really bothering you. Are there specific situations when your partner feels spoiled? Are there factors that you bring up, such as getting annoyed with his spoiled attitude when you're tired, stressed, or frustrated? What thoughts and feelings arise when you think about your partner's spoiled attitude?
- Do you tend to run away from a relationship when it gets serious? Were you a spoiled partner before? Look at your own dating history and think about whether this has anything to do with how you feel.
- Try to see things from your partner's point of view. He may be afraid of losing you or feeling depressed.
- You might want to jot down what, when, and why you bothered so you can better understand how to express yourself.
Step 2. Discuss your feelings with your partner
It's not fair if you or your partner have to keep these feelings in your heart alone. Talk to your partner and let them know that you are feeling overwhelmed. Your partner may not know how you feel and inadvertently make you feel claustrophobic. Then because you harbor feelings, you can start hating your partner. Plan a conversation with your partner and gently tell him what's bothering you. Having these conversations can be difficult, but remember that you have to communicate your feelings with your partner.
- Don't accuse your partner of being spoiled. Be gentle when approaching him. Say, "It's important to spend time with you, but it's also important for us to have our own lives and interests."
- Say, “I feel like a healthy relationship includes spending quality time together and alone. I should be able to do my hobbies and play with my friends while having a satisfying relationship with you.”
- Instead of just raising concerns, try to think of concrete steps you can discuss to find a solution, which can be found in the next section.
Step 3. Share your feelings and concerns
You may blame your partner completely by saying, “You made me…” or, “I hate it when you…” Avoid these pitfalls that could trigger feelings of hurt or lead you to accuse each other. Instead of blaming or accusing your partner, share your feelings.
- You can start by saying, "Sometimes I feel overwhelmed because we spend so much time together."
- Say, “I was worried…” to state the source of your feelings. For example, say, “If you want to be with me all the time, I'm overwhelmed. I'm afraid we're too focused on each other to be aware of the situation around us."
Step 4. Agree to set boundaries
After discussing your feelings, establish healthy boundaries with your partner. Ideally, you set boundaries together so you can both agree on them. If you feel claustrophobic because of your partner's presence, you can set one day a week when you spend time with other people. You can turn it into a play day with friends, family, or even a day to care for yourself.
- You can set limits for physical time together, phone time, texting, etc. You could say, “I love texting you all day and know you're thinking about me, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed. Can you reduce the text when I'm at work?"
- Keep healthy boundaries. You don't want to be in control or feel controlled by your partner. Ideally, boundaries work for both parties by giving you space and making your partner less dependent on you or your support.
- If your partner keeps calling you for help, you can set boundaries as this can tire you out. While offering help isn't a bad thing, it can drain your energy. Talk to your partner about ways he or she can help herself, contact other people, or solve complex problems without relying on you.
- Remember that boundaries help create a healthy sense of self-worth, not distance your partner.
Step 5. Apply the limit you specified
Even if you set limits, the real test comes when you try to apply them. After setting up a new system, your partner may feel like you're ignoring them and make more and more efforts to contact or spend time with you. When setting limits, also discuss how to apply limits. You may have to turn on silent mode on your phone or turn it off completely, or more often than not, say no. Remind yourself and your partner that you set these boundaries to help you, and they must be enforced.
Of course you may re-discuss limits once they are no longer of any use to you
Part 3 of 3: Spending Time Separately
Step 1. Do your own hobby
If you find yourself and your partner spending time together subconsciously, find ways to enjoy being alone. Maybe you're interested in learning to sew, but haven't had the chance to try it, or maybe your partner wants to learn to dance. This is a great opportunity to explore personal interests without feeling like you have to be around your partner.
- Having a hobby of your own helps you and your partner make friends on your own while doing activities you enjoy.
- Some hobbies you can try include hiking, skating, knitting, painting, or reading.
Step 2. Spend time with your friends alone
Sometimes love can blow you away and a few months later you may realize you are no longer spending time with friends or family. It's important for your mental and emotional health to surround yourself with friends and still allow friends to play a part in your life. If you ever cut ties with friends, invite them back into your life.
Plan outings with friends to spend time just with them. You can go out on the weekends or watch a movie together
Step 3. Exercise
Signing up for a gym or joining a sports team are great ways to relieve fatigue, challenge body and mind, and sweat a little. Exercising is good for mental, emotional, and physical health and should be done for 30 minutes or more, several times a week.
Many fitness centers offer a variety of classes. If you're interested in weight training, yoga, pilates, or other fitness classes, head over to your local gym and check out their offerings
Step 4. Challenge yourself
Start something you've never done that is currently difficult for you to do. Having goals and working towards them can motivate, encourage, and challenge yourself. Maybe you want to train for a marathon or complete a difficult craft project. Find a target that excites you and do it.
