If your father remarries, you must learn how to deal with your stepmother. The new stepparents make a difference. Feeling a little anxious because this change is normal, but there are steps you can take to make this relationship work better.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Handling Feelings
Step 1. Consult a counselor or psychologist
Many people realize that consulting a professional on difficult matters can be helpful. Professionals have looked at a variety of situations involving stepparents before. They have practical suggestions on how to deal with it. A counselor or psychologist who focuses on children and adolescents can be a great resource for you.
- Professionals are people who are not personally involved with your situation and have years of expertise in helping people through difficult times.
- They are outside the ties that bind your family and can often help understand your situation in a new way.
Step 2. Talk to friends and family
The advantage of talking to your friends and family members about your stepmother is that it's possible for you to spend time and talk with them - you don't have to schedule specific times or make the effort to meet. Your friends and family have a personal commitment to your happiness.
- Since your friends and family will not be neutral about situations involving your stepmother, their advice may not be very helpful. The best advice often comes from people who have no personal connection to the situation.
- It is best to have a combination of people consisting of friends, family, and professional counselors to help you.
- If you are part of a religious community, consider asking adults in this community for support. Often pastors, Jewish priests, and other religious leaders have received counseling training in addition to religious education.
Step 3. Talk to your dad
If you're not sure how to get in touch with your stepmother, ask your dad if he can sit down and discuss this. It's best to explain your frustration clearly and without anger. Chances are your dad has some good ideas. You need to talk to a counselor or friend about the best way to approach him. Consider the following:
- “Father, I feel confused and sad. Turns out adjusting to a stepmother was a lot harder than I thought. Do you have any good advice for me?"
- “I'm not sure how to treat my stepmother. She's not my real mother, but she's not daddy's boyfriend anymore either. What do you think I should do?"
- "I want to talk to dad about some of the changes that are taking place in our family. I feel uncomfortable with my stepmother and I'm not sure what to do."
Step 4. Remind yourself that you are valuable
Everything you say and do has value. When you understand that you are an important member of the family, you likely realize that your opinion does matter. If you feel unappreciated or belittled, speak up and let your biological father and stepmother know.
- It's natural to want to feel safe and protected. It arises when you have a feeling that you exist and are worthy.
- Most people want to feel their emotions and intentions to be important to the people in their household. If you feel like this isn't happening to you, find someone you can trust to talk to.
Step 5. Be aware of your attitude
Are you doing bad things at home by being antagonistic towards your stepmother? It's natural to get defensive when you're trying to accept a new family change. If you make a rude or disrespectful comment, the problem is likely to get worse. When you're feeling sad, frustrated, or angry, it's easy to get caught up in these behaviors..
- Starting an argument and getting angry will make it harder for you to focus on homework or fun things, such as activities with friends and family members.
- Arguing with your stepmother won't bring your dad any closer to you. It actually only made things worse between you and your father.
- You don't always have to agree with your stepmother, but try to express your opinion as politely as you would want your stepmother to do.
Step 6. Try to accept the situation
While it's hard to forget it's a natural reaction, dwelling on the past will only cause more pain and prolong the adjustment period. Instead of dwelling on what happened, focus on accepting your current situation and creating a positive future.
- One way to practice acceptance is to refocus your attention on something positive. Instead of bringing up the issues you're having with your stepmother, find ways you can be more involved with the school or community even when your family's circumstances change.
- Try a new activity--drama, rock climbing, volunteering at a soup kitchen, whatever catches your eye.
- Getting out of the house, meeting new people, and having new experiences will help you to stop hating your stepmother all the time.
Step 7. Try writing a diary
Keeping a diary helps you reflect on things that happened throughout the day. This is a great self-teaching tool because these notes often reveal new things about you. If you're struggling with your stepmother, setting aside at least 20 minutes each day to write a diary will likely help with your feelings.
- Keeping a diary allows you to consider ways to change your thoughts or behavior that could lead to different results.
- Some people find that after writing down the events of the day, they also spend a few minutes writing down the lessons learned that day, and thinking of alternative ways to react to stress, deal with relationships, and recognize and appreciate positive moments in life.
- Always writing down at least 3 things you are grateful for in a diary is a healthy habit. This helps your attention to be less negative.
Step 8. Get involved in sports activities
Clinical research shows that people who exercise for at least an hour per day are more likely to feel positive and respond well to the stresses of life. Moderate-intensity exercise is one form that is highly recommended to overcome the problem.
- Moderate-intensity exercise makes you breathe faster than usual.
- Running, brisk walking, swimming, or hiking are activities you can do on your own. Playing team sports such as basketball, soccer, volleyball, or other sports is a great way to incorporate group sports into your everyday life.
- Try to include strength training several times per week. Strength training includes weight lifting, gymnastics, push ups, and other strength training.
Step 9. Develop a positive point of view
When you notice you're complaining, try to balance it with positive statements. Try to give your stepmother a compliment every day, no matter how small. Even if you're worried or angry, you can find something nice to focus your attention on.
- Try to pay attention to what you say to yourself. For example, if your inner self-talk (“talking to yourself”) contains negative statements about yourself or someone else, you need to work on changing that.
- Negative thought patterns are easy to form and hard to get rid of. If you're trying to deal with negative feelings, talking to someone you trust, such as your father, a counselor, or another adult can help.
Method 2 of 3: Thinking of a Solution
Step 1. Talk to other children who have stepparents
Having a stepmother is normal. You may have a friend or two with stepparents. Getting advice from someone your age and in a similar situation can help.
- Feeling like you're not the only person adjusting to your stepparent will make you less anxious about the situation.
- Try to identify the situation of the other child rather than focusing on things that are different from your family. Even if your friend's situation is different from yours, he or she will likely sympathize with your problem.
Step 2. Talk directly to your stepmother
Starting a conversation about what's bothering you will help you and your stepmother get to know each other. This can help ease tensions and resolve issues between you and your stepmother. Approach your stepmother to express your concerns in an honest, non-critical way. Some suggestions for starting the conversation are:
- “I am sad and angry about what is going on. Can we talk about it?”
- “I want our relationship to be better. Can we talk about how to run it?”
- “I know mom is different from my real mom, but it really bothers me when _ happens. How do I fix it?”
- “I'm not used to mom's way of doing things. I wonder if we can talk about the house rules that mom thinks should be."
Step 3. Learn how to handle if your anxiety is ignored
Unfortunately, not all parents listen and appreciate the fact that their children have the right opinion. This is known as the authoritarian parenting style, i.e., “follow my way or leave me”. Feeling unheard and being asked to behave the same way and accept new situations “because I said so” can be very disturbing. If your father and stepmother don't listen when you say you're trying hard to deal with your anxiety, you need to take other steps to deal with your stepmother.
- Talk about your feelings with the school counselor.
- Consider having an intermediary when you talk to your father and/or stepmother. A trusted grandparent, uncle, aunt, counselor, or family friend can help you communicate and compromise. Your father and stepmother may be more willing to listen if another adult is trusted.
Step 4. Avoid unnecessary debates
Try to be as accepting and helpful as possible. However, when your opinion really needs to be understood, do it honestly and sincerely. Your opinion means a lot.
- Even though you wished everything would go back to the way it was, your family has changed significantly. Realize some things are definitely different. Try as much as possible not to argue over every little change.
- When you feel the need to talk, you should. Try to speak directly and avoid harsh speech and you stand a better chance of being heard.
Step 5. Start over. It's never too late to try to solve a problem with your stepmother
Let him know that you don't like things that have changed and that you want to start over. If necessary, sincerely apologize to him. This can be the start of a whole new relationship.
- “I regret my attitude. Can we try starting again?”
- "I don't like this relationship. Can we try something new?”
- “I know mom is not my mother and will never be my mother, but sometimes I get angry about this situation. Can you cooperate with me to try to get through it?”
Step 6. Offer to help
Sometimes actions play a bigger role than words. Ask your stepmother if you can help her with household chores or grocery shopping. Offering to help is a great way to let your stepmother know you want to make things work.
- If you know your stepmother is having a tough day, offer to help with household chores, or take the initiative and start folding clothes.
- If you can drive, offer to shop for household needs for the family.
- Collect the laundry basket and do the laundry or take the trash out of the bin when it is full.
- Feed the pet or clean the cat's litter box even if it's not your turn to clean it. You can offer to prepare dinner for the whole family once a week.
Step 7. Spend time with your stepmother
Going to the movies or going for a walk together will encourage conversation and help build a stronger bond between you and your stepmother. If he asks you to join him for an activity, say yes. Frequently stepping out of the house and into a new environment will relieve tension and provide a new perspective.
- Try to relax and be open-minded. You may find that you share common interests that will help your relationship.
- Doing small things like watching television together or playing video games together can help improve your relationship.
- If you're not sure how to do it, consider doing the activity with a larger group of people. For example, rafting or taking classes together can be fun.
Method 3 of 3: Have Realistic Expectations
Step 1. Patiently expect progress
A new family is being built and everyone needs time to get used to it – step families have their own development and are different from biological families. Bringing a family together to succeed doesn't happen overnight. This takes time and sometimes it doesn't happen the way you expect it to. Everyone is adapting and will continue to grow. Clear, open, and honest communication is essential to success.
- Your father may be eager for you to get along well and accept your stepmother, or become a “happy big family”, but this may not be realistic.
- If you feel like your dad is putting pressure on you, tell him you're open to connecting with your stepmother, but that it's going to be gradual.
Step 2. Consider the possibility that you will never like it
Sometimes people are so different from each other that it is difficult to build relationships. When there are personality conflicts, it is almost impossible to find a common understanding to get to know each other.
- If you try your best to be kind and respectful, the situation won't be so bad. Thus, seek out common interests as a way to improve the relationship.
- It doesn't matter if you want to spend time with your friends or other family members right now. If you are invited to do various activities with your stepmother, it's okay if you say no. Try to do it politely.
Step 3. Be calm
If your stepmother is difficult, abusive, or bossy and continues to act the same way after you've tried so many times to reconcile, it's best to ignore her. Focus on yourself and what you can change in yourself to better adapt to it.
- If your stepmother is rude to you, don't take it to heart. Ignore his rudeness by choosing to think of it as his problem, not yours. Try to remember that you have a choice in how you react.
- Don't let your stepmother's mood get in the way of your day. The best way to get rid of irritating behavior is to remain friendly and helpful, rather than getting angry.
- Getting involved in an emotional situation will only make the situation worse.
Step 4. Don't try to force change
Remember that you can't change someone's behavior. In fact, trying to force someone to change their behavior can often make things worse. Sometimes you just have to accept that someone's negative behavior is not your fault.
- You can try to make room for your stepmother and focus your attention elsewhere.
- If necessary, make time to exercise or do activities that take you out of the house. Spend time at your friend's house and minimize contact with your stepmother.
Tips
- Give your stepmother a chance. You can gradually love it and get new parent figures and friends.
- If you live with an annoying stepmother, remember, this is only temporary. Before you know it, you will be out of the house to live alone.
- Stay in touch with siblings like grandparents, and close friends for additional support.
- Try to stay positive and focus on the good things in your family.
Warning
- If you start to feel like your life is meaningless, you need to talk to someone you trust immediately.
- Don't try to get rid of your stepmother or separate her from your dad. You will only hurt yourself.
