The image of a selfish mother may sound like a paradox, but unfortunately it can be a very dangerous and difficult situation to deal with. The difficulty in dealing with selfish mothers is because selfish people tend to act as they please, regardless of what other people want, making it difficult to get change or negotiate. Many of us have the notion, implicitly or explicitly, that a mother has a caring attitude so that the selfishness she displays is confusing and painful.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Recognizing Selfishness
Step 1. Realize that being selfish is not the same as not giving what you want
When we call someone 'selfish', we often mean "He doesn't give me what I want". For example, if you ask your mother to buy you a Playstation 4 and your mother refuses, but instead uses the money to buy new shoes, you might think “Mom is being selfish”. However, this is not entirely true. It's possible that he does need new shoes to go to work, while right now your Playstation 3 still doesn't need an expensive upgrade. Often people don't like it when they can't get what they want, and that's normal. Think for a moment and see if the decision was made based on your mother's selfishness, or because of something else.
- You may also view a behavior as a form of selfishness when someone can't meet your needs the way you want them to. For example, when you want your mother to help with homework every night while she can't do it because she has to work, you may feel that she is being selfish because she doesn't meet your needs. You actually have the right to ask your mother for help with household chores, but you also need to be aware that she has other responsibilities and so sometimes she can't help you.
- On the other hand, if you ask your mother to buy you new shoes because yours are worn and your mother refuses, but she then uses the money to buy things that are not important, it may reflect selfish behavior because she is not meeting your real needs.
Step 2. See if the end result of the compromise is one-sided
Selfishness often leads to one-sided situations. This means that one party gains more while the other suffers a loss. Sometimes, an outcome or situation like this is unavoidable. For example, let's say you asked your mother to buy you an alcoholic drink while you were not old enough and she refused your request (she probably will). Surely you will face an imbalance situation because your mother has already made the decision she wants while you are not getting the results you want. However, usually by compromising both parties can reach an agreement that is acceptable to both parties. If your mother never or often refuses to compromise, it is possible that she is being selfish.
- For example, if your mom never lets you use the car to meet friends because she wants you to spend time with her, that could be an example of her being selfish. However, if he allows you to use the car only on weekends because he wants you to go to bed early on school days, that's a compromise: you can still hang out with your friends, but your mom also makes sure you stay safe. healthy and productive.
- Another illustrative example of selfishness is when your mother comes home from work and asks you to stop what you are doing to chat with her, regardless of other responsibilities or commitments you have. It's a good thing to want to chat with you about the day's news, but demanding attention all the time isn't a good thing. He may call you "ungrateful" if you don't respond to his demands in the way he wants you to.
- However, wanting to chat with you isn't necessarily selfish. Showing desire in an inappropriate way also doesn't necessarily reflect selfishness. If your mom asks you to stop activities (eg homework) to talk to her, and you tell her you can't be bothered because you have work to do, she should accept it and ask for an alternative time to chat. This is a healthy compromise that accepts and respects the needs of each party-you and your mother. It's also not selfish, though at first the request may seem irritating or selfish.
- Keep in mind that sometimes one party has to give in (or don't get what he wants), but in general, healthy relationships-even between parents and children-are characterized by common ground and compromise.
- An example of an unfair situation that may be faced by someone who no longer lives with his mother is when the mother always asks for a loan of money from her child, but never pays the loan and uses the borrowed money to gamble (or at least, spend money).
Step 3. Watch for signs of emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation is another hallmark of selfish behavior. An example of emotional manipulation that parents sometimes show is the guilt trip trap. A trap like this may not be a deliberate display of selfishness by your parents-your mom may just want to show you love, but it's not the right way to do it because it's pushy and unhealthy, and can actually irritate you.
- For example, let's say you are choosing a university and are considering several university options that are quite far from home (suppose you currently live in Bandung). Your mother may try to manipulate you emotionally into choosing a closer college by saying, “Okay. Please register at UGM. You don't seem to care anymore if you feel lonely."
- As another example, your mother may be easily offended if you say "no" or refuse her request. For example, if he asks you to do something and you say you can't do it, he may try to 'remind' you: “I love you so much. No one loves you like mother." He's trying to make you feel like you've been ignoring him, or he's comparing you to someone else who 'loves' his mother.
- Guilt trapping and other types of emotional manipulation signify selfishness because the person doing it doesn't consider the needs of both parties (focusing only on the needs of one party). A selfish or manipulative mother will always put her needs or wants ahead of yours.
- If your mother is exhibiting manipulative behavior (eg by making you feel guilty), she is likely not aware that such interactions or manipulations can cause great harm. Several studies have shown that people who make others feel guilty are often so focused on getting what they want through this manipulation technique that they don't realize that the manipulation is not only harming others, but also harming themselves by making other people feel guilty. others away.
Step 4. Notice if your mother is neglecting or neglecting you
Believe it or not, sometimes parents can be selfish by giving you too much freedom to do anything. Even though the rules set by mom are too many and too strict, they have been created in such a way as to keep you safe, healthy, and happy. If your mother allows you to do anything, at any time, without telling you about limits and consequences, she is being selfish for not providing the 'framework' you need to develop.
- For example, if your mom lets you smoke or drink underage because she doesn't want to discipline or encourage you to give up these bad habits, she's showing selfish behavior.
- Emotional abandonment is another sign of selfish behavior in parents. If you're often afraid to be around your mom because she's impatient, irritable, and overly restrained, or you feel discouraged when you beg her to let her go, chances are your mom is a narcissistic parent. This means, in his image is what should be the focus in your relationship with him. People who are narcissistic will behave selfishly because they do not easily empathize or put themselves in someone else's shoes and understand their feelings.
- Another sign of emotional neglect is that you feel disowned by your mother. He may have asked you about how you feel, but it turns out that he doesn't really listen to your answer and ignores your feelings and then starts talking about himself. Or, he may have refused when you wanted to tell him about your feelings or problems. These things indicate a selfish and narcissistic attitude in your mother.
Method 2 of 3: Protecting Yourself
Step 1. Think about your own actions
You may think that your mother is being selfish, but make sure that such prejudice doesn't arise just because you didn't get what you wanted. Try to consider your own wishes good and reasonable.
- This is not meant to undermine or belittle your opinion of a possibly-selfish mother. However, when we are angry, we sometimes view other people in points of view that, once you think about it, are inappropriate or irrational. The relationship between parents and children is so meaningful that it should not be taken lightly. More attention is needed to assess the situation and determine the next steps to be taken.
- For example, you may feel that your mother is being selfish because she keeps pressuring you to choose a particular major or department of study that she likes, even though you are not interested. This indicates that there is a possibility that your mother may be selfish because she is driven by her desire to achieve through you, no matter what it takes. However, it's also possible that he believes he's doing his best by encouraging you to do something he feels you can do (or something that can lead you to success).
- Consider your role in the situation. Have you told them you value their opinion, but will still make your own decisions? Or do you just sit there and nod, until your mother gives you the 87th suggestion? He may not know that it bothers you if you don't tell or share your own opinion.
Step 2. Get social support
If your mom is always busy with herself and isn't giving you the attention or emotional support you need, seek social support from others. While no one can replace a mother, remember that you don't need a substitute to feel better.
- Interact with friends or other family members to fight the pressure you are getting from your mother's selfishness. The social support you get can protect you from stress and make you feel more comfortable and at ease, both with your life as a whole and with yourself.
- Interact with people on the internet or with friends who also have selfish mothers. This can help you realize that you are not alone. In addition, interactions like this can also provide benefits; You and your friends (or those with the same fate) can work together to find solutions to the problems at hand.
Step 3. Determine your own self-worth
If your mother doesn't care or is indifferent when you get an achievement, it's up to you to show concern for that achievement yourself. If your mom makes you feel uncomfortable or low on yourself because she wants you to look 'perfect' so she can be proud of herself, remind yourself that this is her problem, not yours. Don't let other people, even your own mother, determine your self-worth. In the end, it's how you feel about yourself that matters most because you are the one who has the right to regulate or control your life and future.
- No one else cares more about you than yourself so in a case like this, your opinion should play the most important role. Focus on achieving bigger goals and as much as possible, don't think too much about your situation or problems with your mother.
- There are several types of self-esteem that you need to know. Global self-esteem is your attitude towards yourself as a whole (as a whole person). Specific self-esteem is your attitude toward certain aspects of yourself, such as your performance at school or work, or your appearance. Both are important self-esteem to maintain so that you can feel good about yourself.
- Adaptive self-esteem has to do with being honest with yourself. This self-esteem makes you feel honest or genuine, and comfortable with yourself. Meanwhile, maladaptive self-esteem is external because it is obtained by meeting standards that do not suit you, or by comparing yourself with others. If your mother was being selfish, you may feel that you have low self-esteem because you have been taught to compare yourself to others or to standards that really mean nothing to you. Try to refocus your focus on achieving your goals, and building characters that are meaningful to you (and not forced by others). This way, you will care less about what other people, including your mother, think of you.
- For example, if your mom is always telling you that you need to lose weight and look more attractive, you may feel like you have low self-esteem. Therefore, try to find what it means to you. If you want to lose weight to feel fitter and healthier, then do it. If you feel that your current physical condition is just right (or shows who you really are), be proud of your physical condition. Your goal is to accept yourself and set standards for yourself, and not let other people set theirs on you.
- As another example, if you tell your mother that you got a promotion at work, while your mother responds sarcastically and says that your job is nothing to be proud of, think about her motives for saying such a bad thing. Also, think about what good job performance means to you, and to yourself. Your mother does not share your views or opinions about your work and the impact it can have on you. Remember that you are the one who understands your life best, not your mother.
Step 4. Support yourself
If you are able to support yourself more than you are constantly dependent on your mother, you will be less susceptible to your mother's selfishness (and can deal with it better). You will also notice that your relationship with your parents becomes like that of adults as your independence and maturity develop. Your mother's selfishness will not bother you too much and it will certainly help you in dealing with your relationship with your mother.
- You can support yourself in a variety of ways. Start by trying to make your own decisions more often. You'll realize that all along you can actually make your own decisions; it's just that you never take the chance.
- Another way to support yourself is to try to meet your own needs. Taking care of your own needs, especially learning to self-soothe, can encourage you to become less dependent on your mother.
- Think carefully about things that can make you calm or happy. For example, you may feel very calm when you listen to a certain song. If you start to feel irritated or angry, identify and accept the irritation or anger and deal with it by doing things that calm you down.
- Pamper yourself when you need it most. If you have a mother who is selfish and doesn't give you enough love, show yourself some love. Try watching a movie at the cinema or eating at an interesting restaurant. Treat yourself to a body treatment, or go shopping. However, make sure you don't use material things as a substitute for affection. If you come to depend on material things as a form of affection, it is not a gift or a side surprise for you and, in fact, is of no use to you.
Step 5. Stay away from your mother
If he won't listen to you or change things that hurt and irritate you, do what you can to stay away from his influence as much as possible. Try not to depend too much on your mother; if he's too busy with himself, you certainly can't depend on him or rely on him. While it may sound difficult at first, as time goes on you will feel better.
- If you no longer live with your mother, try to limit your relationship with her (eg visit your mother only on special occasions or family gatherings).
- Don't fall into guilt if you distanced yourself from your mother because you believe she is selfish, self-absorbed, or narcissistic, and can't (or won't) change. While feelings of guilt can push you to repair your relationship, keep in mind that there are relationships, even those with your own mother, that sometimes don't deserve to be repaired. This means that it is very important to assess the situation honestly and accurately, and understand that your mother's selfishness can be detrimental to your health (especially mentally).
Method 3 of 3: Confronting Mom
Step 1. Talk to your mother about the issues that are bothering you
If he's willing to listen, make sure you don't speak in a way that's too aggressive and harsh, or that you're blaming him too much. If not, chances are your mother is reluctant to change. Always talk to him calmly. Even if he starts to scold you, make sure you stay calm.
Keep in mind that it is very difficult to change a person's behavior and mindset, especially if he is too busy with himself or is being narcissistic
Step 2. Understand the real situation he is in
Think carefully about what prompted your mother to be selfish. It's possible that your own mother is going through a difficult time and doesn't really mean to be 'selfish'. If your mother is very old and has poor health, she may really need more attention and help so her selfishness 'needs' to be shown in the face of such a physical condition. If he was neglected as a child, he may feel insecure in his relationships with other people and this can form a personality that is selfish or self-conscious. If you want to understand his condition or situation, you can change your mind about his selfishness; if not, at least you have an idea of how to deal with it in case you ever have to.
For example, if you feel that she is being selfish because she was abandoned as a child, you can remind her that you feel abandoned too and invite her to work together to break the 'shackles' by repairing the relationship and not letting your mother's parents and past determine the future. the same for you
Step 3. Focus on the behavior, not the character
Instead of saying "Mom is selfish!", change your complaint to, for example, "I think sometimes mom is being selfish because _". The sentence emphasizes certain behaviors that your mother exhibits and keeps you from judging her character directly. Judging his character will only make him defensive and irritated even more. If you emphasize certain actions that he took, it will be easier for him to understand that he has been behaving badly all this time. Calling him selfish doesn't give him an idea of what needs to change.
Step 4. Use statements with “I” pronouns
By saying "Mom is selfish!" or “Mom is not a good mother!” it will only make him defensive. If you make statements with the pronoun "Mom," he's likely to shut down and feel attacked, even if he's actually willing to listen to your complaints. Therefore, use statements with the pronoun "I" to stay focused on how you feel. Remember: you can't just know what your mother means, but at least you know how you feel.
- For example, instead of saying “Mom is being selfish and inconsiderate”, use specific statements using the pronoun “I”: “I feel neglected when you talk to me all day about your life. I would feel more appreciated if you would ask me about my life.”
- Avoid statements that reflect necessity, such as “Mom should listen to me more” or “Mom should be a better mom.” Stay focused on yourself and how you feel: “I don't feel heard when you take my problems lightly” or “I get annoyed when you don't acknowledge my accomplishments.”
Step 5. Avoid hyperbole or exaggerated statements
If your mother is being selfish, you may feel that she is the most selfish person in the world and has ruined your life. Even if it feels right, you'll have more success discussing the issue with him if you avoid using hyperbole or overly emotional language.
For example, avoid statements like "Mom's selfishness ruined my life!" Instead, use more calm and balanced statements, such as "I have a hard time hanging out and meeting my friends if mom doesn't let me use the car, even on weekends." The facts or issues are the same, but the second statement (which is calmer in tone) doesn't sound judgmental or blaming your mother so the response you can get may be better
Step 6. Emphasize your needs
Your mother's selfishness may be driven by a lack of awareness of your needs. There is a possibility that he will change; he just wasn't aware of his behavior all this time. Tell your mom what's needed in your relationship with her, and focus on the things you can't do without her. For example, you may want your mother to listen to you, or wish she could be more supportive and encouraging of you, or be less critical and judgmental of you. You may also want your mom to stop asking you to do everything she wants for herself.
- When telling your needs, also mention other things you expect from your relationship with him, which should not be the focus for now. This way, he knows that you are willing to compromise and remains rational not to ask him to make changes right away, to your liking.
- For example, you could say, “Mom, I want to get support and attention from you. I feel offended when my mother doesn't acknowledge my achievements and doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. I want mom to take time out every week to hear about my life.”
Step 7. Set limits
If your mother's selfishness bothers you, for example by visiting your house without telling her beforehand (say you don't want her to visit you), or by not giving you privacy while you're living with her, let her know it's inappropriate. Tell him that his behavior is very upsetting and unacceptable.
- Start by setting small boundaries. A trick you can follow is to set small boundaries first (in this case, you need to gradually persuade them). After that, move on to bigger boundaries if your mom is used to smaller ones.
- For example, if your mother visits your house most nights without telling you in advance, and gets angry or offended when you're busy doing something, try setting small boundaries by asking her to let you know before visiting. After that, you can set bigger boundaries by saying that you want to spend time with him too, but that he needs to let you know before he comes to visit and he can only visit you on Thursdays.
- Remember that his desire to spend time or activities with you doesn't necessarily mean he's being selfish. It turns into selfishness if he refuses to accept and acknowledge your needs and wants when you talk to him about these things. Often with clear communication, both you and your mother will get a satisfactory answer or solution.
Step 8. Speak firmly
Let him know that you are serious when you talk about him and his selfishness so he can better understand how serious the situation really is. Assertive or assertive communication is not the same as aggressive communication. When you communicate assertively, you explain your feelings, thoughts, and views openly and frankly, while respecting the other person's needs and points of view.
- Don't make less assertive statements like "Mom, sometimes you do things that focus more on yourself, not on other people. Maybe I'm wrong, but I see it that way. Can we talk about it sometime?”
- Instead, try to be more assertive by saying, for example, “Mom, I feel offended if you continue to sue me, even when I already have other plans. I want to discuss this matter with mother. I think our relationship could be better than the current one. I want to try if you want to try too."
- Don't be indecisive by changing your mind before you speak. Avoid thoughts like “I have to keep quiet because I don't want to burden mom with my thoughts” or “It would be embarrassing or ridiculous if I said what I think”. Instead, think about more assertive things like "I have the right to disagree with your opinion."
Step 9. Try family counseling
Sometimes, family problems are too difficult to solve on your own and it's easier, more efficient, productive, and helpful when you get outside help to deal with the problem at hand.
If you want to take family counseling, bring up the topic by mentioning that your family is having relationship problems that need to be fixed. Don't blame or pressure everything on your mother
Step 10. Threaten to stay away from mom
Selfish people often forget that relationships are not always permanent. Relationships, whatever their form, involve a desire to give and take (there is reciprocity). If your mother is being selfish, tell her about her behavior that you don't like, and remind her that if she doesn't want to change, you won't want to be around her or treat her as a mother anymore. Such 'threats' are more effective when you are an adult and no longer living with your mother. However, remember that in Indonesian culture, threats like this are considered taboo. If you display such threats, there is a chance that your mother will think of you as a rebellious child.
Step 11. Cut off your relationship with mom and move on with your life
If you view this as an option, make sure you only use this option as a last resort. Sometimes, you can't save a relationship, even with your own mother. Keep that in mind when you're trying to navigate a difficult situation at hand.
- If you live at home with your parents and don't have the funds or capital to live alone, focus on making plans to live alone or improve your performance in school instead of letting your mom keep you down. This way, when you are ready, you are in a state that allows you to move away from the negative situation at hand (in this case, living alone).
- If you are a parent and are married, cut off your relationship with your mother and focus on being a caring parent to your children. Turn the negative things your mother gave into positive things to give to your children. However, once again remember that in our culture it is considered taboo so you need to reconsider the decision.
- Don't stop yourself from being sad. When you review the situation and feel that your relationship with your mother is over or dead, give yourself time to process it. Losing a mother because of her selfishness, selfishness, and narcissism is a very painful thing. Don't deny that this is a serious problem; instead, allow yourself to feel remorse and focus on creating actionable, goal-based changes and improving your situation and feelings.
Tips
- Don't let your mother determine your self-worth.
- Get social support from friends and other family members, or people who also have a selfish mother.
- Watch for signs of psychological manipulation by your mother. Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings reflected in the conversation are genuine, and trust your instincts.
