Violence can take many forms. Whether it's mental or physical abuse, both must be dealt with quickly and safely. If you are in an abusive relationship, you must take immediate action to save your own well-being and find a way to recover. Make the right plan to end an abusive relationship, keep yourself safe, and move on with your life.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Evaluating Your Situation
Step 1. Get help
There are often local services that can provide assistance to victims of violence. If you don't know where to start or if you just want to talk to someone to see if your relationship is abusive or not, try one of these service resources. Be careful when using your home computer or mobile phone, as your page visits and calls may be stored in logs or telephone logs.
-
In Indonesia: 24-hour hotline 082125751234 (Ministry of PP and PA), or 119 (DKI), Independent Volunteer Network Foundation (JaRI) at 0856-216-1430 (Bandung), 08126988847 (WCC KKTGA), 0651-7400023 (LBH Banda Aceh), the SMF Psychiatry Section at Sanglah Hospital or call (0361) 228824 (Bali)
In addition, there are institutions that can help deal with domestic violence issues, including the PULIH Foundation, LBH APIK, PBHI (Indonesian Legal Aid Center), Kalyanamitra Foundation, SPEAK (United States of Anti-Violence)
-
In the US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233(SAFE)
Men in the US can contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women
-
In the UK: Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
Men in the UK can contact the ManKind Initiative
-
In Australia: 1800Respect 1800 737 732
Men in Australia can call One in Three
Step 2. Recognize violence
If you're the target of a partner's physical abuse, it means you're in an abusive relationship, period. However, violence can also be manifested in various other forms that are more difficult to detect and are considered normal by the victim so that it is justified. Couples don't need to hit to be considered violent.
- Physical abuse means hitting, pushing, or using any other form of physical attack against the body. Physical assault is unforgivable, even if it is done only once, and physical violence can be grounds for filing criminal charges and immediate termination.
- Emotional abuse may include shaming, belittling, restraining behavior, threats, intimidation, and humiliation. If your partner is constantly making you feel worthless, pitiful, or miserable, you may be in an abusive situation.
- Financial violence occurs when the abuser takes full control of you by tightly controlling your finances to the point where you lose your personal freedom. Financial abuse can take many forms, including limiting your ability to work, taking the money you make, and not allowing you access to a joint bank account.
-
Sexual violence unfortunately become a common part of abusive relationships. Just because you've had sex before doesn't mean you have to be willing to have sex all the time, and just because you've been in a relationship for a certain amount of time doesn't mean sex is a “must.” If you feel compelled to have unwanted, unsafe, or disrespectful sex, it means you are experiencing violence.
Another element included in sexual violence is when a man impregnates a woman without her consent or forces a woman to abort her pregnancy even though she opposes it
Step 3. Don't condone or ignore violent behavior
It is not new if the perpetrator of violence leads the victim to believe that the violence occurred because of the victim's fault. If someone acts aggressively, rudely, or manipulatively towards you, it's not your fault. Be aware that you are still considered to be in an abusive relationship, even if:
- Spouses never hit. Emotional or verbal abuse is still considered violence.
- Violence doesn't look as bad as the examples of violence you've heard of.
- Physical violence only happened once or twice. Any physical violence is a sign that further violence is possible.
- Signs of violence stop when you are passive, stop arguing, or refrain from expressing your own thoughts or opinions.
Step 4. Document the violence that occurred
If you end up dealing with the abuser in court, solid evidence can help you obtain a restraining order, win a custody battle, or ensure that this kind of violence never happens again.
- If possible, try to record conversations that show the abuser intimidating or threatening you. These recordings will go a long way in establishing the character of the abuser who is likely to display a very good attitude in court.
- Take photos that show evidence of physical abuse. Try to always report physical abuse to the authorities immediately and seek immediate medical attention. Medical records and police reports will complement the documentation of your abuse.
Step 5. Remember that the violence is not your fault
You are not responsible for your partner's actions, regardless of what the abuser says. You don't “deserve” to be abused, you don't do anything that causes violence, and you have the right to live a happy life free from violence.
The thoughts and behavior patterns that cause the abuser to act violently are caused by deep-rooted emotional and psychological problems, not your actions. Unfortunately, without professional help, it is very unlikely that this problem will resolve on its own
Part 2 of 4: Making a Plan of Salvation
Step 1. Keep a list of the names of people who can be your patrons along with their contact information
If you have to call someone for help, you should write down their phone number (so you can use someone else's phone to call them if needed). Don't point to the people your abuser would first think you'd go to for cover. Also include the numbers of local police, hospital, and shelter homes.
- Hide the list or disguise it as something else if you're worried that finding the list will only trigger the abuser to act violently.
- If you have children, make sure they can access a list of phone numbers to call or call a neighbor or friend in an emergency (other than calling 112).
Step 2. Assign a code word
You may decide to use “safe words” or code words to use when communicating with children, neighbors, friends, or coworkers to indicate that you are under stress and need help. If you do this, the person who hears your code word should have a specific plan for responding, such as calling the police immediately.
Step 3. Create a contingency plan
If you live in a violent situation, you must make a plan to deal with the possibility of violence. Learn which areas of your home are safest to escape from (don't go into small rooms that have no escape route or rooms with objects that could easily be used as weapons).
Part of your contingency plan should include an escape plan. Try to keep your vehicle's gas is always full and you can reach it easily. If possible, hide the extra car keys somewhere that can be easily retrieved when you're trying to get out. Practice getting out of the house and into the car quickly, and if you have kids, get them to practice together
Step 4. Open a separate bank account and set aside some money in the account
If you have time, it's a good idea to plan ahead of time by opening a separate bank account or credit card in your own name, and even better if you rent a mailbox to receive letters that the abuser doesn't need to know. Start funneling your own money into that account and set aside some of your income for savings so you'll be able to start afresh without worrying about money.
This step may be difficult if the abuser commits financial violence. Don't let an account with a low balance or a lack of funds for an emergency put you in a violent situation. Shelters, family, and friends can offer financial help so you can bounce back and be able to support yourself
Step 5. Hide the bag containing the clothes and overnight supplies
To make sure you can leave the house right away, pack a travel bag and hide it somewhere safe. You may decide to keep it in someone's house to prevent the abuser from finding it. Try to keep the bag light and easy to carry around so you can grab it and leave immediately if the situation is urgent. In the bag pack the following supplies:
- Medications prescribed by a doctor
- Official ID cards and copies of important documents
- Clothes
- Some toiletries
Step 6. Make a plan for the children
You should call the shelter, helpline, or attorney to discuss whether you should take your children with you when you leave the house. If they are in danger, you must do everything you can to get them out of harm's way. If they're not in danger, it's probably safer to go alone for a start.
Part 3 of 4: Escape
Step 1. End the relationship as soon as possible
Depending on how serious your relationship is, you may have to make preparations for your departure, making sure your situation is as safe as possible. If the relationship is just starting, you may be able to walk away, but an abusive marriage can be more complicated. Make a plan and put it into action as soon as possible.
Don't wait until the violence gets worse before you act. If you're in a relationship that's starting to show signs of violence, don't expect your partner to change because that's very unlikely. Violence is not caused by the victim doing something “wrong”, it is caused by the perpetrator of the violence
Step 2. Choose a safe time to go
If you do intend to leave, you may have to do so when the abuser isn't home. Make a plan and be prepared to leave when the abuser is out of the house. Take enough time to grab your emergency bag, important documents, and leave before you can be followed.
- You don't have to leave a message or an explanation of why you're leaving. It doesn't matter if you go straight away.
- If you don't have your own means of transportation, make arrangements for someone to pick you up. If you are worried that danger is coming your way, ask the police to pick you up and get you out of the house.
Step 3. Leave your mobile phone
If you've written down important numbers that you need elsewhere, consider leaving your cell phone when you leave the house. Cell phones are traceable (beneficial for tracking lost or stolen phones, but not if you want to escape the abuser). Leaving your cell phone at home can help you leave the abuser behind.
Consider buying a prepaid cell phone and putting it in Ada's emergency bag. This will allow you to make important phone calls related to your escape and safety without potentially pointing the abuser at you
Step 4. Request a warrant of protection
A protection warrant is a court-issued document that allows you to obtain official protection from past abusers. To apply for a protection warrant, provide any evidence of abuse you have along with a letter describing your violent situation and the relationship between you and the abuser to the local courthouse. They will give further instructions on how to fill out the proper files to obtain a formal protection warrant.
- Once you have submitted a protection warrant, if approved, the document must be formally presented to the abuser, and you must present proof that the abuser has received the letter to the court. Talk to the courthouse clerk about how to do this.
- Once you have a warrant of protection, carry it with you at all times. If the abuser violates the terms of the protection warrant, you may have to show the protection warrant to the police.
Step 5. Change the lock and password
An abusive ex can act very cruel and dangerous after you leave. To protect yourself, you need to get rid of ways so that your ex can't interfere with your life or sabotage you in any way.
- In the case of serious violence, or if you are concerned for your life, you may have to evacuate to a new place. You can take steps to make your new location unknown, such as applying for an address confidentiality program or renting a mailbox for correspondence, changing all your financial account information, and requesting that your phone number be unregistered.
- If you live in your own house or apartment and have ended a relationship with someone you don't live with, you'll need to change your locks. Even if you think your ex doesn't have the keys, he or she may duplicate the keys without your knowledge.
Step 6. Keep your online information safe
If you are trying to leave or have recently left an abusive relationship, change all of your passwords. Your online keywords for banking, social media, email, and even work should be changed as soon as possible. You should take this step even if you don't think the abuser knows the password.
Step 7. Block the abuser from contacting you by phone, email, and social media
You can't change how your ex will react to your leaving. However, you can limit contact with the abuser after you leave. Once you have the opportunity, block your ex from all lines of communication. Most modern communication devices have a built-in blocking feature, but you may have to contact the telephone company directly to block the abuser from calling you.
If the abuser finds a way to harass you, change your contact information. It can be a pain to change all of your contact information and ensure that only your close friends and loved ones know the new information, but this step can help prevent the abuser from contacting you again
Step 8. Consider filing a formal claim
If you really can't get rid of the abuser, know that you have legal options at your disposal. The most important of these are a restraining order, as well as an assault charge. Talk to the domestic violence authorities and counselor for more information.
If you can show evidence of abuse in court, you still have a chance of winning a restraining order against the ex who molested you. If the abuser approaches you within a certain distance, this is a violation of the law
Part 4 of 4: Moving On
Step 1. Connect with the people you love
Once you're gone, spend plenty of time talking to people you trust and make you comfortable talking to them. Many people isolate themselves from friends and family when they are in an abusive relationship. If you find yourself in this situation, try to reconnect with the people you've been missing for so long.
If you don't have many friends or family, try making new friends. Invite coworkers who have been just regular “work friends” for coffee after office hours or make friends with new neighbors if you recently moved to a new place
Step 2. Go to a meeting of a support group for victims of domestic violence
There are many men and women who have survived violence, and they all need to speak up. Finding a community of people who have had similar experiences can help you learn to process the guilt, frustration, and emotional complexity you may experience after ending an abusive relationship. Don't try to do it alone. Support groups can help you in:
- Processing guilt
- Understanding anger
- Examining feelings
- Finding hope
- Understanding violence
Step 3. Seek therapy
Most victims of violence suffer emotional or psychological trauma as a result of their relationships. A therapist can help you examine your traumatized feelings and help you form healthier relationships in the future.
Step 4. Try not to rush into a new relationship
Many victims of violence want to rush into a new relationship that will fill the void of love and intimacy that was lacking in their previous relationship. Over time, you will eventually find a healthy relationship and in this relationship you will be respected, but don't be in a rush to speed up your recovery. After getting out of an abusive relationship, you may feel that you will never find the right partner. Don't be fooled by this self-sabotaging pattern. Give yourself as many opportunities as you can and eventually you will find someone who is right for you and will respect you.
Step 5. Don't give "one more chance" to your past abuser
It's not new for abusers to apologize and say they'll never abuse you again. If your partner approaches you and claims that he or she has changed, you may feel sorry for your partner. However, it is very important to stick to your decision at this stage. People who abused you in the past are more likely to do it again in the future.
There are counseling and intervention programs for perpetrators of domestic violence available to help perpetrators of violence stop abusing others, but the results have been mixed. It seems to be more effective if perpetrators of abuse choose to join the program rather than receive a court order. If you want to get the Counseling Module for Domestic Violators, please contact the Mitra Perempuan office at (021) 8379001
Step 6. Avoid abusive relationships in the future
Once you get out of an abusive relationship, the last thing you want to do is fall into the same relationship again. While not all abusers have exactly the same appearance, there are some characteristics that are generally more likely to be found in violent offenders:
- Having intense emotions or emotional dependence
- Likely to be charming, popular, or talented
- Shows extreme emotional fluctuation
- May have been a victim of violence (especially in childhood)
- Possibility of suffering from alcohol or drug dependence
- Be restrained
- Hiding emotions
- Tend to be inflexible and judgmental
Step 7. Keep yourself busy with other things
In your recovery period, you may be very tempted to dwell on the past. Try to keep going as far as possible with new routines, hobbies, and interests. Make new memories and find new ways to have fun. Keep yourself busy and start living your life again.
Engage in a variety of fun and relaxing activities with a trusted friend or family member. You could, for example, take a dance class, start playing the guitar, or learn a new language. Whatever you do, talk to friends often. They will be able to calm and advise in these difficult times
Tips
- If someone can't respect you, get out of the relationship immediately.
- Whenever someone physically hurts you, call the police. You have to get out of your house or from wherever you are and go to a safe place.
- Some people stay in abusive relationships because they fear what will happen to their beloved pets if they leave. Remember that your safety is the top priority and don't hold on if you experience persecution.
