How to Deal with an Abusive Lover: 15 Steps (with Pictures)

2024 Author: Jason Gerald | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-16 10:50

There are various forms of violence in relationships. Whether you are being manipulated emotionally, repeatedly humiliated, scolded, or belittled by your lover, you are experiencing some form of emotional abuse. If you have been physically or sexually assaulted by a lover, you have experienced a form of physical abuse. The only way to deal with an abusive lover is to end the relationship as soon as possible and keep yourself safe. Learn how to take immediate action and move on with your life.

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Part 1 of 3: Escape from Violence

Step 1. Get help

Usually there are parties who can help victims of violence. If you're not sure where to start or want to talk to someone about whether you're in an abusive relationship, try using some of the contacts below. If you live with your abusive lover, be careful when using your home computer or cell phone because the history on your browser and phone can be seen by him.

In the United States: https://www.thehotline.org/:The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233(SAFE)
In the UK: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/: Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
In Australia: https://www.1800respect.org.au/: 1800Respect 1800 737 732
Worldwide:https://www.hotpeachpages.net/: The International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies

Step 2. Do not excuse or ignore acts of violence

Often the perpetrator of violence makes the victim believe that the violence occurred because of his fault. If your boyfriend is aggressive, rude, or manipulative towards you, it's not your fault. Realize that violence can still occur in your relationship, even if:

Lovers never hit you. Violence in the form of emotional or verbal is still a form of violence.
The violence perpetrated doesn't look as bad as any other violence you've heard of.
Physical violence only happened once or twice. Physical violence is a sign that there will be more severe violence.
Violence occurs when you are passive, stop arguing, or stop expressing your own thoughts or opinions.

Step 3. Make a plan to end the relationship immediately

Physical and emotional abuse should be a reason to end the relationship. Even if you love each other, have a long relationship, have children or pets, or you live together, relationships that involve physical or psychological violence must end. Right now. Start making plans to end the relationship as safely and quickly as possible.

Think about where you're going when you leave it.
Know what to bring with you. If necessary, put things in an "emergency bag" and hide them somewhere so they're ready to go when you're ready.
If you have a shared phone bill, keep in mind that many phones have a GPS feature that tells you your location so they can monitor you on the phone. Maybe you should leave the phone and buy a new phone and number.
Think about what steps you should take to stay safe after you leave. Did you have to ask the police to issue an order that kept him at a distance? Moving to a new city? New identity? Changing your door lock?
Make a plan to keep the other party safe. Maybe your kids and pets have to leave your partner too and maybe they can't live with you. Make plans for a dependent party when you leave your partner.

Step 4. End the relationship safely

You have to explain that you ended the relationship with no hope of getting back together with him in the future. If you feel uncomfortable or fear for your safety, you should end the relationship from a distance or ask someone to be with you and to help you if needed.

Don't try to end the relationship when you are home alone with your partner. Your attempts to end the relationship can add intensity to his violent actions and put you in danger.
Try breaking up by text or phone, even if this isn't a good way to end the relationship. Your safety is far more important than manners.
If you feel you have to break up with your boyfriend privately, do so in a public place where you're not alone and keep the conversation short.
Speak briefly and to the point. You could say something like, "we can't be together anymore." Try to avoid words like "now", "right now" or "until you change". You should really close this relationship book.

Part 2 of 3: Keeping Safe

Step 1. Contact the authorities

Once you've physically secured yourself, it's important that you contact the authorities and take legal action, or at least find out what options are available to you. You should know how to take legal action and learn the precautions to ensure your safety from the police. Make sure that this act of violence will end.

You should contact a relationship violence counselor as soon as possible to find out how to move on with your life. Depending on the situation and the length of the relationship, you could have a hard time getting a new job, a new apartment, or making other major changes. Counseling for abuse in relationships can be helpful

Step 2. Document the acts of violence that occurred

After the breakup, keep a record of the number of times your ex-partner has tried to contact you. Write down a description of the incident in person or over the phone, and keep any physical evidence such as emails, social media messages or text messages.

You must document any correspondence you receive, especially if it contains threats of violence. If you can, it's a good idea to keep a record of any physical abuse that occurred while you were in a relationship or after a breakup.
This is an important matter for legal proceedings and can be helpful if you want to ask the police to issue an order for your ex-spouse to distance themselves from you.

Step 3. Apply for the police to issue a social distancing order

A social distancing order allows you to receive legal protection from an ex-spouse who committed an act of violence. If you are in the United States, bring any evidence of violence you have along with a letter outlining the violent situation and the relationship between you and your ex-spouse to your local court. After that you will be asked to fill out documents to get this distancing order.

If the court grants your request, it will also be sent to your ex-spouse. Once submitted, you must submit proof of delivery to the court. You can find out how from the court clerk.
Always carry a copy of the social distancing order with you so you can show it to the police if needed. You can not predict where you will be and the location of your ex-spouse desperate to violate this order.
You should know that this social distancing order does not guarantee your protection. This command makes it easier for you to get your ex to be caught if they act recklessly, but it doesn't guarantee that they're completely out of your life.

Step 4. Don't offer second chances

Don't haggle. When you've broken up, don't look back, try to contact or get back with your partner. The relationship is over. Let the person who abused you get what you want with a distancing warrant.

If you are the victim of an act of violence, there is nothing more to discuss. Don't listen to his attempts at negotiations, apologies, or sweet promises like "I won't do that again." Violence destroys everything. Violence ends the relationship

Step 5. Make changes to your routine

When you first turn over a new leaf, try to avoid contact with your ex. Avoid places he frequents and change your routine so he doesn't know where you are. There's no reason to force yourself to try to deal with awkward or dangerous situations.

If you go to college or school with your ex-spouse, or work in the same office, or see him often, try to ignore him as best you can. Try to always walk with other people, when you are going or coming home or walking from or to the car. You can also try talking to your boss, Human Resources, or seeing a supervisor at your school or college so you can change your work location, hours, or class schedule to stay safe

Part 3 of 3: Moving On

Step 1. Claim your life back

Often victims of domestic violence feel that they are the cause of the violence. This is because of the manipulation by the perpetrator. No one is responsible for the acts of violence that occur to himself. After the violence ends, try to structure yourself so that you can be who you were before you were in the relationship with the violence.

Take therapy to improve your self-confidence.
Rely on friends and family to rebuild your social connections.
Find a new relationship that doesn't involve violence at all.

Step 2. Make an appointment with a counselor who specializes in relationship violence

It's important that you talk to someone who understands the psychological trauma of violence and the traps set by some violent partners. You can find a group to share the problems with cases of violence in this relationship and immediately join a meeting with them to start this healing process.

Step 3. Let the anger overflow

You may need time to feel this anger, but there may be anger hidden behind other emotions you're feeling. Anger is not bad because it can be a catalyst for change. If anger takes over you, let it happen and channel this anger into productive energy for activities. Try to run. Hit the punching bag. Take a yoga class. Try to sweat to vent anger.

Try not to turn your anger into a high-risk, self-destructive behavior and try to process this anger carefully

Step 4. Focus on rebuilding yourself

Violence erodes your inner self until you feel open and vulnerable. This process of building yourself can be a long process until you finally become the unique and lovable person you deserve.

Allow yourself to grieve for a few moments and then get busy. After a breakup, you may want to spend a week in bed and not do much because you feel depressed. This isn't a problem, but it's also important to realize when it's time to get out of bed and start living.
Try not to think too much about lost time and regrets. You are taking an important step in ending the relationship and moving on with your life. Try to be happy that you don't have to spend time with him anymore and can get out of his violent trap. It's time to look to the future.

Step 5. Spend time with loved ones

Make a list of people who really care about you. Think of the people who have supported you all this time, the people who loved you with all their heart and lifted you up when you were down. Family, old friends, neighbors you trust, these are the people who deserve your time. Allow yourself to lean on them.

Step 6. Be kind to yourself

Maybe you haven't been able to relax for a long time, spend time with close family, or do small things without fearing that it might make your ex-spouse hard. It will take time but by slowly letting go of the fear and guilt associated with your relationship, life can be fun again.