Sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference whether your boyfriend is just having a bad day or if he just has an abusive character. 57% of college students admitted they didn't understand exactly how to identify a negative relationship with an abusive person. Torture can take many forms, and is much more than just physical violence. Emotional abuse, psychological violence, and verbal abuse are all forms of torture. The tormentor tries to control you using threats, coercion, manipulation, and other tactics. Healthy relationships are characterized by mutual trust, mutual respect, mutual acceptance, and allowing each other to be themselves. Whether you feel you are same-sex, opposite-sex, bisexual, or otherwise, you are still likely to be trapped in an unhealthy relationship with the abuser. If you're worried about whether your relationship with your boyfriend is unhealthy, or whether your boyfriend is abusive, keep reading this article to learn the signs and understand ways you can keep yourself healthy and happy.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Recognizing Emotional and Psychological Violence
Step 1. Find a controlling behavior
This controlling behavior may seem natural to you, but it is actually a form of violence. Your boyfriend may say he wants to know what you're doing all the time because he really cares about you, but true caring has a side of trust in it. Below are some examples of controller behavior:
- demands that you keep him posted, even at inappropriate or inappropriate times,
- want to know everything you do,
- does not want to allow you to associate with other people unless he himself participates,
- monitor your phone, internet or social media usage,
- express displeasure if you spend time with someone other than themselves,
- force to check your text messages or other messages,
- ask for passwords for your accounts,
- trying to control the way you dress, the places you travel to, the words you speak, etc.
Step 2. Think about how you feel when you're with him
Sometimes it can be difficult to identify a relationship that is characterized by abuse, especially if you think of signs of “violence” (usually physical violence, for example). However, taking into account the feelings your boyfriend has in you can help you determine whether your relationship is healthy or not. You may have a feeling that something is wrong, or you're always worried that something in the relationship might make your boyfriend explode. You may also always feel blamed for all the problems that occur in the relationship between the two of you. Think about the following questions:
- Do you feel accepted as who you are, or do you always feel pressured to change?
- Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated when you are around your boyfriend?
- Does your boyfriend make you feel guilty about his own feelings or actions?
- Do you feel bad about yourself around your boyfriend?
- Do you feel like you always have to “love” your boyfriend in order for him to change?
- Do you feel exhausted or tired all the time when interacting with him?
Step 3. Watch how he talks to you
We can all say something wrong sometimes and then regret it. Even in a healthy relationship, both parties don't always use kind and respectful words. But if you find a consistent pattern of abusive, condescending, intimidating, or humiliating speech, this is a sign that the relationship you are in is not healthy. Ask yourself the following:
- Do you feel like your boyfriend is constantly criticizing you, even in front of other people?
- Is your boyfriend calling you or calling you harsh or dirty words?
- Is your boyfriend used to yelling or yelling at you?
- Do you often feel humiliated, stopped, ignored, or ridiculed?
- Does your boyfriend used to say that no one else is better for you than he is, or that you "don't deserve" anyone other than him?
- Do you feel bad because of the things your boyfriend said about you?
Step 4. Think about whether you feel heard in this relationship
Some people are born with a natural talent as a leader, so they are used to "leading" everything, and this is actually not a problem. But if you feel like your boyfriend is ignoring your needs and ideas, or if he often decides things that affect both of you without discussing it with you first, this is a problem. In a healthy relationship, both parties listen to each other, even if they sometimes disagree, and work together to compromise. Relationships with the tormentor were usually very one-sided.
- For example, see if you have a say in making plans for both of you. Do you feel like your boyfriend is listening to you, or do you usually just have to do what he wants?
- Do you feel that your feelings are being cared for? For example, if you tell your boyfriend that what he said hurt your feelings, will he accept your hurt feelings and be willing to apologize?
- Do you feel comfortable talking or having a confrontation with your boyfriend? Do you feel like he's listening to input or opinions that don't align with his own?
Step 5. Think about whether your boyfriend is a responsible person
A common trait of abusive people is that they tend to try to shift responsibility from their actions and feelings to someone else. The tormentor will make you feel guilty for not doing what he wants.
- This can be a lot of fun because it seems like a compliment to you, especially if you are really pretty/handsome. For example, your boyfriend might say, “Thank God I met you. You're so different from the crazy girl I used to date…” Realize that if your boyfriend often blames other people for his feelings and actions, this is a bad sign.
- The tormentor may also blame you for his violent actions. For example, common excuses for violence are "you make me feel so angry that I can't control myself anymore" or "I can't help but get jealous of your friends because I love you too much." Remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and/or actions. You are not responsible for your boyfriend's feelings and/or actions.
- The tormentor will often try to get what he wants by making you feel guilty, as if his feelings were your fault. For example, "if you break up with us, I'll kill myself" or "I'd be crazy if you hang out with that guy again". This kind of behavior is unfair and unhealthy.
Part 2 of 3: Recognizing Sexual Violence
Step 1. Imagine if you've been enjoying sex with your boyfriend
One common myth in this regard is that if you have agreed to a date, you "should" have sex with your boyfriend. This is not right. In a healthy relationship, sexual activity should always occur because of the wishes of both parties, get the approval of each party, and mutually pleasing / satisfying for both parties as well. If you feel that your wishes are not being respected, these are signs of torture.
- Some people believe that there is no such thing as rape in a couple's relationship, but this is a false belief. Having a partner relationship with someone doesn't necessarily create a contract that obliges you to have sex with them. If your boyfriend forces you to have sex with him against your will, even though you may have had or even enjoyed repeated sex with him before, this is rape.
- Sexual contact with yourself while you are drunk, unconscious, under the influence of drugs, or in a state of inability to give conscious consent is torture and violence.
Step 2. Think about whether you feel compelled to do something
Apart from rape, there are other forms of sexual violence. For example, it may be that the tormentor forces another to have sex against that person's will. If you feel pressured or manipulated into having sex, this is sexual assault.
- For example, your boyfriend might say, "You'd want to do that if you really loved me," or "All the other girls do, you too." These are examples of coercion, which is a way to pressure you into feeling guilty into doing what your boyfriend wants.
- Demanding certain sexual activities that you don't want or enjoy is also a form of sexual assault. While you may enjoy certain types of sexual activity, you should not feel pressured or coerced into engaging in activities that you don't want, that scare you, or that bother you. You can always say "yes" to some things and say "no" to others.
- Pressuring you into sending sexually explicit messages or sending nude photos are forms of sexual violence as well. You should also be aware that if you are a minor (under 17 or 18, in most countries), sending sexually charged messages or nude photos is legally classified as a form of child pornography.
Step 3. Consider whether your health choices are respected
You should have the right to decide all matters relating to your personal health and sexual health. These options include the method of contraception and protection against STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) that you choose.
- Your boyfriend should respect your choice. For example, if you decide to use condoms and other safe sex practices (which are actually appropriate), your boyfriend shouldn't try to make you feel guilty or persuade you to change your mind.
- Your boyfriend should not attempt to have sex with you without using any contraception or STD protection you have chosen. He should not argue that he "forgot to wear a condom".
Part 3 of 3: Recognizing Physical Violence
Step 1. Understand that physical violence may not happen instantly
Relationships characterized by torture do not necessarily involve physical violence from the outset. In fact, these kinds of relationships often seem “too beautiful” at first, with a boyfriend who appears to be the “dream boyfriend”. However, any kind of violence will get worse over time, and if someone is capable of being violent in one way to you, he or she is very likely to be violent in other ways as well.
Physical abuse can also show repetitive patterns such as cycles. Usually, there are quiet times, when the tormentor is gentle with you and treats you extra nicely. However, tensions would soon escalate, culminating in violent incidents. After this incident, the tormentor will beg for forgiveness, admit to being very sorry, and promise (or even swear) to change. However, this cycle will repeat itself over and over again
Step 2. Recognize that once is the “too often” category for violence. There is not any
minimum limit for acts of violence. An abusive boyfriend may excuse his actions by claiming to be "angry" by something or blaming alcohol or drugs. However, people who have healthy relationships do not use violence to express emotions. If your boyfriend uses violence in your relationship, this means he needs special counseling.
- No one "instantly" becomes grumpy while drinking. If your boyfriend blames alcohol for his violent behavior, this means he's making excuses to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.
- Willingness or desire to express emotions in the form of violence is one sign that this violence will increase in the future. If your boyfriend shows signs of violence at any time, you should consider ending the relationship with him.
Step 3.
Think about whether you feel safe around him.
People in healthy relationships can get angry with each other every now and then, and this is human. However, those who respect each other will never hurt or threaten to hurt their partner, even if they feel angry. If you don't feel safe around your boyfriend, this is a strong sign that your boyfriend is abusive.
- Transgender people and those who have relationships outside the usual opposite sex relationships tend to be threatened with exclusion from the community and social environment of origin (friends, family, school, etc.) by the perpetrator of the torture. This too is violent behavior.
- Some abusers like to threaten to harm themselves if you don't do what they want. It is also a form of violence.
Recognize other types of physical violence. Kicking, strangling, hitting, and slapping are obvious forms of physical violence. However, there are other forms of physical violence that you may not be aware of before, including:
- destroying your belongings, for example breaking your phone or locking your car,
- withholding your basic needs, such as sleeping and eating,
- physically bind you without your consent,
- keep you from leaving your house or car, going to the hospital, or calling emergency services,
- threaten you with weapons,
- kick you out of the house or drop you out of the car,
- leave you in a strange or dangerous place,
- torturing other people or creatures, such as your children or pets,
- driving in a dangerous way while you are in the car.
Overcoming Torture
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Understand that torture is never the victim's fault. A common misconception about torture is that the victim "deserve" to be tortured. For example, when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, many people immediately thought that Rihanna must have done something wrong and "deserved" to be treated that way. This is not true. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. No one deserves or deserves to be tortured, and torture is “always” the fault and responsibility of the perpetrator.
Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive Step 13 This principle applies to all forms of torture, not just physical violence. Everyone has the right to be treated fairly and well
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Call the domestic violence emergency services. This service should be helpful to anyone who feels they are victims of relationship violence (not only in the context of “domestic” or marriage, but also in other forms of spousal relationships outside of marriage). Some of these services include specially trained chaperones, who will listen to you and together find a solution to your situation.
Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive Step 14 In Indonesia, you can call the police emergency services for this purpose, namely on telephone numbers 110 or 112. If you live in the DKI Jakarta area, you can also call 119. If you live in the US, many domestic domestic violence emergency services also providing assistance to LGBTQ people (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer)
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Talk to people you can trust. If you feel that your boyfriend is abusive, talk to someone you trust. This person could be your parent, counselor, school staff, or chaplain. The important thing is to find people who will listen to you non-judgmentally and can support you.
Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive Step 15 - Ending this kind of relationship can be dangerous. It's important to talk to people who can help and support you so you don't have to face it all alone.
- Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure. Rather, it is a sign that you are strong enough to make decisions that are healthy and best for you.
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Find a safe shelter home. If you feel you are in emergency danger from your boyfriend, walk away as soon as possible. Call a friend or family member you trust, and ask for permission to stay at their house for a while. Contact the domestic violence emergency service in your location to find the nearest and safest shelter for domestic violence victims. Call the police if necessary. Don't stay in an environment where you can continue to be abused or hurt.
Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive Step 16 If you experience physical or sexual assault, call the police and seek immediate medical attention
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Create a strong support network. Ending an abusive relationship can be very difficult. Generally, the tormentor has long isolated you from friends and loved ones. An abusive ex-boyfriend will make you feel scared, alone, or completely worthless. Rebuilding your support network will help you move on with your life after leaving an abusive boyfriend and re-understand that you are a wonderful person and deserve respect and love.
Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive Step 17 - Join extracurricular activities or other interest communities at school.
- Be a volunteer to accompany other victims of domestic violence in your community. Many schools and community settings have programs to help people understand domestic violence. If such a program isn't already available in your location, why don't you start creating one?
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Respect yourself. Maybe you've heard and experienced so much torture that your mind accepts it as a matter of course. Remember that the hurtful words your boyfriend said to you in the past were not true. If you find that you often think negatively about yourself, take some time to deal with those negative thoughts. Instead, you can look for positive things to say to yourself, a logical fallacy in the negative thoughts, or for them to turn those negative thoughts into something useful.
Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive Step 18 - For example, you may think negatively about yourself or your appearance, especially if the tormentor is critical of you. Shift your focus to the things you love and admire about yourself. This may sound "fake" at first because you're not used to thinking this way, but choosing to think consistently positive will help you overcome the trauma of torture.
- If you tend to generalize, for example, "Oh, I'm such a sucker…" find the right logic to reinforce this thought. Usually, there is no sound logical basis for this kind of thinking. Focus on each item specifically, and if there is a problem, find ways to address it appropriately, for example, “I spend more time watching television and not doing any homework at all. Tomorrow I will do my homework first before doing anything else, and after the homework is done, I will reward myself without feeling guilty.”
- Be aware of every achievement, no matter how small. Often, people who have experienced torture struggle with feelings of worthlessness. Take the time to be aware of your accomplishments, even if they are small.
Tips
- Don't be afraid to ask for help. No one deserves to be left alone as a victim of torture.
- If someone judges you when you open up and tell them, don't accept that judgment as true. Sometimes, people find it hard to believe that torture “really happened”. What matters is how you feel yourself, not what other people say. If you can't get support without judgment from someone, don't be afraid to seek it from someone else.
- There are many sources available to provide support to victims of domestic violence. An online search or a yellow book search will show information about community institutions, mental health clinics, domestic violence assistance, and other similar supports.
Warning
Don't assume that the tormentor will keep his promise to change. Unless the tormentor is undergoing counseling therapy and genuinely wants to change from within, it is almost impossible for him to change into a better person
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