All parents want their children to be disciplined and kind. However, sometimes parents have difficulty holding back or lose control of their children. This happens when the parenting style shown by the parents crosses the line and becomes emotionally violent. However, what is meant by emotional abuse? Emotional abuse (also known as psychological violence) is emotional or mental abuse, or neglect of children. This violence is a serious and ongoing problem and can lead to isolation, depression, loneliness, self-injurious behavior and (in some extreme situations) suicide if this kind of violence is allowed to continue. This article will help you deal with emotional abuse.
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Step 1. Understand the causes and effects of emotionally abusive relationships
Parents may be emotionally abused because they have experienced violence (emotionally) and neglect (usually in childhood because violence at that time has the greatest impact on a person's mindset or view of parenting). Violence can also be committed when parents feel irritated, angry or upset and, as a result, vent their emotions on their children. Parents may not realize they have been abused because they were raised or raised in the same way or they may be reluctant to be aware of parental violence. However, regardless of the cause, no one has the right to hurt you, physically or emotionally. Emotional abuse is just as dangerous as any other violence, and you have the right to seek and get help. Remember that you are not responsible for the violence experienced. After all, the violence that occurs is a decision made by the perpetrator (in this case, the parents).
Step 2. Identify the form of violence experienced
This way, you can explain it to others (or at least understand the violence yourself), and get a clearer picture of the situation at hand. Emotional abuse is not always manifested in one form only; There are many different types of emotional abuse that can occur, depending on the perpetrator and the situation at hand. Common types of emotional abuse that can occur include:
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Verbal assault:
Your parents verbally attack you in various ways. They may exaggerate your flaws, make fun of, insult, belittle, curse, threaten or criticize you (too much). They can also blame you for anything or humiliate you with barrage of sarcasm and insults. Over time, this kind of violence can completely destroy a person's self-esteem and self-confidence.
Deal With Emotional Abuse from Your Parents (for Adolescents) Step 2Bullet1 -
Emotional abandonment:
Your parents may fulfill all your physical and material needs, but completely ignore emotional needs. They may not show love or affection, continue to ignore you, or be reluctant to support you in difficult times (when you need emotional support).
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Invalidation:
Closely related and can coexist with emotional abandonment, invalidation occurs when the victim's feelings and needs are completely ignored or not perceived as real (usually with bad intentions). For example, when the victim tries to confront her parents and talk about the violence she experienced, her parents say “We never did that”, “You think too much about it”, “You shouldn't be angry”, or “You this is too much.” The abuser usually controls the victim's feelings by telling her that any feelings and opinions she has are wrong, continuing to ignore and deny her emotional needs, and influencing her to think that there is something wrong with her. Invalidation can also be done passively, for example, when the victim tries to express her feelings to her parents about a problem, but the parents say that it is not an important problem (or the parents ask the child to forget the problem). Invalidation is dangerous for the victim because it can lead him to think he is wrong, to act stupid for feeling the things he feels, and not worthy to feel those things.
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Unrealistic Expectations:
Victims are given various expectations that are unrealistic or impossible to achieve, such as demands to appear perfect or coercion so that the child becomes someone he does not want. If these expectations are not met, the victim will be criticized or even punished.
Step 3. Identify the main perpetrators of violence
Were your parents the only ones who were violent? If your parents are divorced, one of the parties (in this case, the parents) may not be aware of the abuse by the other party. Sometimes, one party provides emotional violence, while the other party provides physical violence. Or, alternatively, both parties engage in emotional violence, but one party does it more often. The behavior shown by one party can be influenced by the behavior of the other party. It is possible that one party resorts to violence because the other party does the same thing. Therefore, identify who the main perpetrators of violence are and the forms or methods of violence that you receive. This helps you when you need to tell others about the violence that has happened to you, or when you want to improve the situation.
Step 4. Recognize that violence can be selective; parents may treat one child worse than the other, triggering resentment, rivalry, and envy among siblings
This kind of violence is a power play meant to control both children. Children who are "recognized" or get a lot of praise are constantly trying to get them to be recognized by their parents, even though on the other hand they feel guilty for the neglect or injustice experienced by their siblings. On the other hand, children who are "victims" constantly try to "get" recognition or acceptance, but always fail. Even so, he feels happy because his brother gets praise or positive views from his parents. The two brothers keep a secret: the child who is "commended" is secretly grateful for not being a "victim" and feels proud of the praise he gets, while the child who is "victim" is secretly irritated and envious. Both love and depend on each other, but are tormented by negative feelings about each other and their parents. Situations like this build family dynamics that are so complex and very difficult to fix.
Step 5. Understand that the violence is not your fault
Even if the abuser tries to persuade you to take personal responsibility for how you feel (e.g. by saying “You make us sad a lot!”) and the way they treat you (e.g. “If you behaved better, we wouldn't have to punish you so often”), in the end it is the parents who “choose” to commit violence. If your parents have mental health problems or certain emotional conditions, such as mental disorders or a lot of negative feelings about the past, remember that these are not your fault, and the violence you experienced is unacceptable.
Step 6. Try to respond appropriately to violence
Fighting back is not always the best option. If parents want to control, dominate and hurt their child, they will be even more angry if their child screams or responds with insults. However, if your parents seem aware of or feel guilty about their abuse, try talking to them about the negative impact and hurt you are experiencing so they can come back to face reality. Parents who are more aggressive and like to manage should not be resisted. Instead, try not to respond to them at all, and wait until the violence has passed before taking any steps. Once you find the best way to respond to the violence directly (e.g. accept and endure the violence without complaining, apologizing, accepting responsibility and asking what can be done to make things better), you will be able to take more control of the situation and have time to put your plan into action..
Step 7. Find out if you can tell one of the parents about the abuse
If one of your parents is more likely to abuse you, or only one of you is abusing you, it's a good idea to tell the other parent about your abuse. If one parent isn't aware of the abuse, get help from the other parent by telling him or her about the situation so the violence can stop. If one parent doesn't do much violence but seems compelled to do so, or often feels guilty after being violent, talking to her can broaden her view of the situation and make things better for both of you. However, if you experience a lot of violence from both parents and feel that talking to them is not a safe or useful step, there is no need to talk to them about your abuse. Find someone else (eg a trusted school counselor, a friend's parent, aunt or uncle) to talk about your situation.
Step 8. Find someone to talk to
There are people around you who can help you. Even if your friends can't change your situation, at least they are there for you and can give you support to deal with the situation. Talk to a close friend you trust. Or, you can also tell another family member because he or she might be able to help change the situation or (at least) give you support to deal with the situation at hand. If not, try talking to a trusted teacher, school counselor or religious leader. If you don't think you can talk to someone one-on-one, there are plenty of anonymous helpline numbers you can look up from the internet or phone books, or from school. Don't let yourself believe that no one cares about you because that's not true. There are people who study and practice to help people in your situation, such as teachers and counselors. Your friends are there for you too. In addition, other family members who have been victims of violence can understand your situation.
Step 9. Find ways to express or express emotions appropriately
It's important to know things that help you express your emotions, let go of anger, resentment and sadness, or keep your mind away from hurt feelings. Holding back and letting your emotions in will only make things worse. Maybe there's something that can calm you down, or help you get rid of any negative feelings like writing a diary, or writing a story, poem, or song. You can also draw to make a visual interpretation of the situation at hand, play a musical instrument, or even sing. In addition, listening to music and talking to someone you trust can also be a great way to release the emotions you are feeling.
Step 10. Make a plan
You don't deserve violence under any circumstances. Emotional abuse is just as dangerous as any other violence. Therefore, the violence that occurs must (at least) be stopped or, if it cannot be stopped completely, reduced its occurrence, addressed and known. Maybe you find it difficult, embarrassed or afraid to speak up and tell someone who can change the situation. However, simply finding a way to deal with the situation and pouring out your feelings to a friend can't help change the situation. Talk to the school counselor about things you can do to change the situation and reduce the violence, or tell someone else (eg another family member) so he or she can help you.
Step 11. Find ways to distance yourself from the situation if necessary
This step is probably the most terrifying step of all because you will be “stepping out” of your usual routine of dealing with the hurt and (inevitably) telling others about your situation. Nevertheless, it is important to consider. The counselor or person you tell may need to contact an agency or law enforcement agency if your abuse is very severe. This can be terrifying and can change a lot of things in your life, but remember that it will at least help you stop or distance yourself from the abuser (in this case, your parents).
Step 12. Follow therapy once you've managed to get away from the situation
The violence experienced can leave scars that last a lifetime and will never heal without help. If you can't afford therapy, there are volunteer organizations that can help you free of charge.
Step 13. Work on accepting, loving and caring for yourself
The thing that destroys the victim and makes the violence worse is the view or belief that victims of violence have the right to violence themselves. Victims may injure themselves, as well as actual perpetrators of violence. Learn to remember that the violence that occurred was not your fault, and that you are the most valuable asset to yourself. You deserve love, care, appreciation and acceptance. Learn to love yourself. Try to think that you are a truly unique person. No one is exactly the same as you. You have your own strengths, uniqueness, weaknesses and talents. Everyone has their own "beauty". No one has exactly the same character as you, even if you have identical twins! Your personality belongs to you and no one else has exactly the same personality as you. Always remember that the violence that occurred was not your fault, regardless of what your parents said or did.
Tips
- Appreciate the most valuable thing you can use to survive: your mind. No one can influence your mind if you don't give them a chance. Emotional abuse can make you feel uncomfortable about yourself, but by developing an attitude to endure and resist the violence you experience, you can be one of those people who manages to survive, learn, and get out of violent situations. Just because someone else determines what you “deserved” feels and underestimates you, doesn't mean that person is right. Trust your instincts, even when those around you say that the action you are taking is wrong.
- Always have a contact number and a place you can call or go to in an emergency, such as a friend's house, a relative's house or another adult you trust. This way, if the situation escalates or worsens, at least you have a place to go or someone to help you.
- As much as possible try to avoid your parents. If they have a daily schedule, find out about it and try not to be in the same room with them as much as possible.
- As much as possible try to learn. While experiencing violence is certainly a situation no one wants, if you see it as something you can strengthen yourself with and learn more about yourself, relationships, and life, you won't feel so down. Many survivors of violence say that although the violence they experienced left scars, the violence also encouraged them to become stronger and more concerned about the environment around them. Regardless of how difficult the situation is, you can get something that can later be used in your life. Take lessons from your experiences so that you become a stronger person and more able to face various things in life.
- Do not rush. There are many victims of emotional abuse, especially teenagers, who reflect their resentment and anger through rebellion to show their parents that they don't want to respect the rules. However, poor performance in school, excessive alcohol consumption, or any self-injurious behavior will not do you any good. If you treat yourself well and do what's best for you, you can make yourself feel happier. In the end, you show the abuser (in this case, your parents) that you can't appreciate and accept the violence they commit.
- Never hurt yourself so you feel better. Cutting, hitting, and deliberately injuring yourself will only add to the pain you feel (especially wounds that will never go away). There are many other ways you can do it as a form of emotional expression and productive “vent”, without hurting yourself.
- If you need to call a hotline or send a message through a non-violence protection website, remember to be specific about the abuser and the form of violence he or she is using.
Warning
- There are many people who are inexperienced and do not have a broad understanding of emotional abuse. There are also people who tend to make "spicy" comments about what is happening in life. You need to be careful because these people are not always the right place to complain. Make sure you tell someone you trust. Otherwise, others may think you're lying, overreacting, or acting silly. If that's the case, it's important that you don't trust these people. If you are experiencing violence, believe that you are in the wrong situation and don't just sit there until you can find someone who can help you.
- If you are on medication, never change your dose or stop taking medication without talking to your doctor first. Take treatment according to the instructions given by the doctor.
- In many situations, emotional abuse can worsen and turn into physical or sexual abuse. If the situation worsens, always tell someone you can trust about your situation. If you just stay silent, you actually close the possibility of any help that can be obtained. Therefore, don't forget to tell someone. Violence can only be stopped if you give someone or something a chance to stop it.
- Don't ever think about committing suicide. Remember that there are always alternative steps you can take. Suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that is actually temporary, even though the problem seems permanent when you face it. Maybe you feel that there is no point in holding on to your inner hurt. However, you can actually benefit from it. Just because you can't see the benefits now, doesn't mean they don't exist. Suicidal feelings or thoughts may be a side effect of the medication (or appear when you suddenly stop taking it). Talk to friends, a counselor, or a doctor if you start thinking about committing suicide.
