Just had a really big fight with your mom? If so, you will most likely choose to lock yourself in your room and isolate yourself from everyone. Unfortunately, this method actually does not bring any positive impact, especially for the development of your relationship with your mother! Instead, you should do your best to make things right, especially since your mother is a very important person in your life.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Reflecting on Quarrel
Step 1. Keep a short distance from your mother
Give your mother time to calm down, as well as time for yourself to reflect on the situation. If possible, get out of the house so that both parties have personal space to clear their minds. Spend that time with your friends or take a walk around the complex to relax your mind. If you're being punished and can't leave the house, try other relaxation methods, such as listening to music or chatting with your friend on the phone.
Step 2. Identify your role in the argument
Most likely, you will say negative things when fighting with your mother. Can you find the aspect that was really your fault in the fight? Did you break the rules? Did you say harsh words in front of him? Are your academic grades dropping? Or, are you annoyed that your mother forbade you to do something?
- Think about your role in the fight and try to identify at least three of your faults. Trust me, doing so will help you to make a sincere apology later on!
- Sometimes, fights occur when both parties are tired, hungry, or in a bad mood. Did these factors also show up in your fight with your mother? Are you being negative because you just had a bad day at school?
Step 3. Try to look at the situation from his perspective
Now that you've got a better understanding of the fight and its root cause, try to dive into your mother's perspective when you were fighting. Is he tired because he just got home from work? Is he sick or not feeling well? Do you keep making accusations or offensive statements when he's feeling overwhelmed by things?
For years, expert counselors have used the HALT strategy (short for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) to help patients identify their need for self-care and avoid uncontrolled discussion and decision making.. Therefore, try to gauge the mood levels of you and your future mother to avoid unnecessary fights
Step 4. Try to "switch roles" emotionally with your mother
Often, teenagers and young adults are unable to understand the process that parents go through to get to a decision. You may too. In other words, all you hear is the word “no”, without understanding the reason behind the decision. Therefore, try to put yourself in his shoes to understand his perspective better.
- How do you react when you go through the same fight with your child in the future? Are you going to say “yes” or “no”? Are you willing to tolerate rude or disrespectful comments from him? Would you still listen to conflicting arguments if you felt your child's safety was at stake?
- Answering these questions can help increase your empathy for your mother, as well as build a new perspective on her decisions.
Part 2 of 2: Improving Communication Quality
Step 1. Approach your mother and say sorry
After you and your mother have distanced themselves a bit after a fight, approach your mother to apologize. At that moment, your level of appreciation for him as a parent should have changed. After approaching him, ask if he has time to talk to you while still considering the HALT strategy described earlier.
- If he wants to talk to you, start the conversation by apologizing to him. Bring back one or two behaviors that you think are wrong to verbally express your apology. Chances are, your apology will sound something like, "Sorry I didn't tell mom right away about the money needed for school."
- Then, explain what you will do to make up for the mistake. For example, you might say, "Next time, I'll try to provide that kind of information ahead of time, okay?"
Step 2. Explain that you have tried to dive into his perspective
Show your mother that after reflecting on the situation, you realized that your behavior was inappropriate or disrespectful when you had a fight with her. The trick is to convey some aspects of your behavior that actually don't have any positive impact on the fight that occurs.
Chances are, your mother will be impressed when you see that you are able to understand her perspective. In fact, you might even look more mature in his eyes, you know
Step 3. Try to make him feel valued and respected
In other words, don't argue with him, be rude to him, or refuse to listen to his words! Even if you don't feel that way, your mother will still feel a little unappreciated after you two fight. Therefore, do the following to make your mother feel valued and respected:
- Make an effort to listen and pay attention to his words.
- Don't play on your phone while your mom is talking.
- Acknowledge the things he does for you.
- Tell him the things that are happening in your life.
- Ask his opinion on various important topics.
- Never interrupt his words.
- Complete your homework without being asked.
- Call your mother by the name she wants (such as Mom or Mama).
- Don't swear at your mother or use slang that sounds confusing around her.
Step 4. Communicate your feelings politely
More than likely, the argument that ensues will make you feel unheard. Therefore, after listening to your mother's words and showing that you are able to understand her perspective, help her do the same for you. Use "I" to express your feelings without risking offending your mother. Then, emphasize your needs without degrading his beliefs or perspective in the least.
If your mother is concerned about how often you visit a friend's house, try saying, “I often go to Whitney's house because her parents just got divorced. I understand your concern, and I hope you can help me so I can stay with Whitney while still doing well at school and other chores around the house."
Step 5. Find common ground with your mother
What's the positive impact on your fight with him? In fact, finding an activity that you both enjoy can strengthen the relationship between you and your mother, as well as improve the quality of your communication with her. Therefore, try spending time with your mother doing light and fun activities, such as watching television, an afternoon jog, or gardening, to discover a side of your mother that you may not have known until now. As a result, your respect and love for him will definitely increase!
Tips
- By showing appreciation to your mother, it will be easier for her to appreciate you and your opinion.
- Offer to help your mother with the housework. Do this to show your guilt and appreciation for him.
Warning
- Don't swear at your mother or use harsh words during a fight! Remember, both of them show no respect for your mother.
- Don't apologize until you fully understand your mistake. If delivered before you identify your role in the argument, your apology will sound insincere.
