When your husband verbally abuses you, the situation is complicated because you still love him but on the other hand his violence is damaging to yourself as well as to your mental and emotional health. Keep in mind that you can't change their behavior; only he alone can stop the violence he commits. If he doesn't want to change, be prepared to leave him and break his cycle of violence.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Giving Different Responses
Step 1. Make different choices regarding the responses you provide
You can't change his behavior, but at least you can prevent yourself from sinking into depression. If this happens a lot, you may immediately feel inferior after hearing about his violence. Think about the steps you should take-your beliefs about what happened and why. There is a possibility that the violence occurred not because of your fault, but because of the husband's irritation and anger. Understand that the violence was his own doing, and not your failure or fault (as you might expect). Think about things like this:
- He was rude to me because he felt I was using the bathroom too long. I shouldn't feel guilty about showering and putting on makeup, she could have used another bathroom anyway.
- He refused to eat the food I prepared. He said the food looked unappealing. However, the problem is not with my cooking. He just wanted to discourage me, and I wasn't going to feel that way.
- He said I looked fat in my new clothes. I know I'm not. He just wanted to make me feel inferior.
Step 2. Examine the emotions you are feeling
To be ready for your husband, determine how you feel and how to explain those emotions to him. Are your feelings healthy (eg sadness, disappointment)? Or is it unhealthy (eg torturing yourself for feeling unwell, anxious, and self-loathing)? Try to direct these feelings in a healthier direction and determine how to express how you feel to your husband. You might consider questions like these:
- How do I feel when he makes fun of me and my friends for our fondness for silly movies? I shouldn't have paid attention to what he said. Too bad he can't be happy because I have good friends.
- I was disappointed that he didn't want to go hiking with me, even after he made me feel guilty if I went without him. I didn't want to spend Sunday cooking and cleaning for her, she would still be rude to me. I need to get away from his negative attitude.
- I've been good enough for my husband. He says otherwise, but the source of the problem lies in his feelings of inferiority and his problems at work.
Step 3. Direct your husband's attention to his words
Because he who creates problems, is the one who must change. It may take more effort than just getting him to think about what he's saying, but you can get him to understand it. Sometimes, by taking the issue seriously and not ignoring or ignoring the verbal abuse, you can make him aware of the abuse. Keep your attention on his words. Everything he says is meant to discourage you, and you certainly shouldn't accept it. There are several things you can say to him:
- “I feel offended when you laugh at my appearance. Can you not repeat it?”
- “I feel irritated and anxious when you are angry with me because your clothes are not dry and tidy. Rather than scolding me, maybe you can try to help me.”
- “I feel stupid because you always call me stupid. I know I'm not stupid. So, stop calling me that.”
Part 2 of 4: Defending Yourself and Expressing Your Will
Step 1. Fight him when he starts verbal abuse
Sometimes, you can change an interaction by responding to it, rather than simply silence it. However, keep in mind that this step doesn't always solve the problem. Verbal abuse often has a pattern, and you can break the pattern by saying:
- "Stop talking to me like that."
- “I want you to write down what you say to me so I can save it and read it to you later.”
- "I I go. We can talk later when you feel calmer.” (Don't do this if the situation has the potential to escalate.)
Step 2. Don't try to accept it
Verbal violence is not something rational. You won't be able to get to the root of the problem yourself, and your husband may not want to talk about why either. Realize that the violence is irrational and don't try to accept or allow the cause of the violence to occur. Also, don't try to take couples counseling. This type of counseling is not suitable for abusive relationships.
Step 3. Set limits
When he is verbally abusive, let him know that you don't want to accept him anymore. Explain that you have set limits on what is acceptable for him, and that you don't want to hear any more harsh words from his mouth. If he's still being rude, you can leave the room (unless this makes things worse). Ignoring it and doing something else also shows that you've set boundaries. Also, you need to let him know that you're ready to leave him if he doesn't want to change.
Step 4. Prepare an escape plan
Let him know that you don't want to be in a painful relationship. Also, keep in mind that verbal abuse can lead to physical violence, and you shouldn't accept any kind of violence. Be prepared to walk away if you suspect physical abuse may occur. Make plans for yourself if you feel the need to leave. In addition, you also need to prepare:
- Savings that have been set aside (separate from husband's money).
- The bag contains identification (e.g. passport), social security card, clothing, medicines, bank information, and legal documents (e.g. vehicle registration, marriage certificate, birth certificate) that you can leave with a coworker or other friend you don't know by husband.
- If you plan to take your children with you, also have their birth certificate, social security card, immunization history, medications, and identification card ready (if available).
Part 3 of 4: Seeking Support
Step 1. Create a support network for yourself
This network includes family, friends, or co-workers. You need to talk to them about your situation. While it may feel like bringing up the verbal abuse you've experienced, you need someone else's help to figure out their reaction and understand that the violence wasn't your fault, and that it was irrational.
Step 2. Call a therapist
No one should go through verbal abuse alone. Find the right therapist to listen to your story and find ways to deal with the situation so you can get help.
Step 3. Prepare a place to go if you need to leave the house
Relationships filled with verbal abuse are usually codependent, and both parties have only limited contact with the “outside world”. It will be difficult for you to leave a relationship if you don't have friends or family. Make a plan for yourself if you don't have a strong support network. Maybe you can stay in the hotel for a while. Whatever the plan, you should physically distance yourself from your husband when verbal abuse is too common.
Part 4 of 4: Showing the Right Reaction
Step 1. Don't retaliate using the same tactic
It may be tempting to reply to your husband with the same insults, but you shouldn't. Your relationship just won't improve or drop to its "level."
Step 2. Realize that you won't be able to change it
If he's willing to get help and get into therapy, you still have hope. If he doesn't want to change his behavior, it's a good idea to leave the relationship, even for a moment until he wants to join a therapy program.
Step 3. Know the right time to go
Maybe you can't wait to make big decisions quickly (eg "if he insults me again, I'll leave him"), but think about the situation realistically. Would you stay in the relationship if he changed his behavior? At what stage can you give up and leave it? Share your plans with a support network so that people can help you when an escape plan needs to be realized.
Step 4. Leave it if it's planned
Usually, you can't fix an abusive relationship. Don't just threaten him that you're leaving, but that you stay with him in the end. Leave him if he crosses the line you set. Call or visit family and friends. Tell them that you are leaving your husband and tell them how to contact you.
- Change your phone's SIM card and give trusted friends and family members a new phone number, and ask them not to share your contact information.
- Delete the search history of your escape on the computer. If you're afraid your husband will get angry and take revenge, leave a fake trail. Do an internet search for cities that are a few hours away from your actual destination. Make a note of the phone number of the hotel or inn in the city (which of course you won't be visiting).
- Visit a safe place that you have prepared in advance (eg a shelter, the house of someone your husband doesn't know, or a hotel).
- Communicate with your husband through the message you left at home and let him know that you have left, and explain the steps to be taken (eg requesting a restraining order, divorce, etc.). Also let them know that they can contact certain family members or friends if they want to talk to you, but they still can't interact with you in person.
