Restoring a relationship with a cheating husband is not easy, especially if you do not want to forgive his actions. However, try to control your emotions and go out on your own to cool off. If you are ready, invite your husband to discuss things that are useful. Even if you can't forgive yourself yet, take positive steps to restore the relationship.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Controlling Emotions
Step 1. Try to accept the emotions you are feeling
Don't ignore negative emotions by pretending like you don't feel anything. Accept your emotions by doing activities that make you feel comfortable, such as journaling or sharing your feelings with a close friend while focusing on your emotions and physical sensations.
- Don't be surprised if you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, disappointed, sad, confused, or helpless. At times like this, raging emotions are natural.
- The emotions you feel can open up new awareness. Your husband's actions may make you realize how important marriage means to you or how sad you are because of his husband's treatment.
Step 2. Free yourself from negative emotions in a healthy way
Maybe you want to act impulsively following your feelings by berating or hurting your husband, but this doesn't make you feel calmer or able to forgive your husband. Try to control your emotions without hurting your husband.
- If you want to vent your anger, channel your emotions by punching a pillow or taking a leisurely walk in the park.
- Journaling is a great way to control and understand your emotions. Take time while journaling to reflect on all that you are experiencing and feeling.
- Emotions can be expressed by creating art, writing articles, playing music, or dancing.
- Don't use alcohol or drugs to control your emotions.
- Don't take your anger out on your husband, friends, children, and other family members. Don't say anything sarcastic or passive aggressive to them.
Step 3. Try to calm yourself down when you feel very angry
You will regret it if you act impulsively because you are carried away by anger or irritation. Once you realize that you are angry or upset, stay away from the problematic situation and try to calm yourself down by going to another room or taking a leisurely walk in the yard. Don't say harsh words or do things that hurt your husband's feelings, yourself, or damage the relationship.
- Take a few deep breaths to relax the body and calm the mind.
- Use your senses to deal with negative emotions. Focus on the physical sensations experienced by each of the senses to become aware of what is going on. For example, focus on the various sounds that can be heard around you, even the sound of footsteps in the next room.
Step 4. Set aside time to be alone if needed
In a situation like this, you may not want to see your husband, especially if you've just heard the bad news. Often times, infidelity makes the atmosphere in the house feel very uncomfortable. Consider whether you need to stay with a friend or family member for a while. If you want to stay at home, but don't want to sleep with your husband, for now, sleep in a different room.
- Things will be more complicated if you have young children. You just need to let them know that you want to travel on the weekends or sleep in a different room for a while. Don't tell me what happened.
- Tell your husband that you want to be alone and that this is only temporary. If possible, let them know when you'll be back so you can both prepare before seeing each other again.
Step 5. Don't beat yourself up
Things will not improve and you will live in regret if you keep blaming yourself for cheating on your husband. Even if you realize that your behavior is causing the affair, don't despair. If you feel partly responsible for this incident, prove your responsibility, but don't blame yourself.
Instead of blaming yourself, show compassion for yourself by doing good and trying to understand yourself. Learn to love yourself by taking care of your physical and mental health and being compassionate towards yourself and others
Method 2 of 4: Communicating with Husband
Step 1. Ask the things you want to know
Many couples don't want to hear the details of their affair, but it's better to ask if this allows you to forgive your husband and free yourself from heartache. Ask questions that involve emotion, not those that require logic. For example, instead of asking which hotel they met at, ask why he cheated on you so you can forgive him more easily.
- Ask questions for which you need answers. For example, ask if he has been screened or would like to be tested to determine if he is infected or has a sexually transmitted disease.
- Ask him if he will leave you or if he wants to stay with you and improve the relationship. By clarifying as soon as possible, you can decide on your next steps and make plans for the future.
Step 2. Express how you feel
After finding out that your husband is cheating on you, you may feel scared and worried about whether he will cheat on you again. If you're in doubt whether he still loves you or can't accept what he's done because he feels he's been abused, just say it. He needs to know how much impact this incident has had on you and the difficulties you are having to forgive him.
When expressing your feelings, use the words "I" or "I" to focus on yourself. This way, you can express yourself without blaming or embarrassing your husband. For example, you could say, "I'm really sad and disappointed."
Step 3. Listen when your husband expresses his feelings
Maybe he will give reasons or express regret, sadness, and guilt. You will feel relieved when you hear your husband say that he is sorry for what he did and can understand your feelings.
- It may take you some time to believe that what he is saying is true and trustworthy.
- If you both want to keep the marriage, make sure he truly regrets what he did. You have to fulfill your responsibilities as a good wife and mother, but don't take the blame.
Step 4. Set boundaries when discussing infidelity
Don't let infidelity be the most important issue for both of you. Instead of ignoring the issue, make sure you're not just talking about the affair. Boundaries help you discuss in an appropriate and useful way. For example, make an agreement that the two of you can discuss the matter if there is enough time for a calm discussion.
- If the topic of conversation is only focused on infidelity, set mutually agreed boundaries. For example, the two of you may discuss this issue only once a day or once a week.
- If there are young children, agree that neither of you will discuss this matter with the child.
Step 5. Confirm the continuation of the relationship between the two of you
If you're willing to forgive and want to move on, make sure your husband wants the same and tells himself that he wants to restore the relationship. If he can't make up his mind or seems to want a divorce, discuss this further. If you want a divorce, share this decision with your husband.
Make a new commitment if you both want to stay together and work on improving your relationship. Physical intimacy can be reestablished if you are ready
Method 3 of 4: Opening Your Heart to Forgiveness
Step 1. Remember that forgiving others is good for you
Your willingness to forgive makes your husband feel relieved, but this is more for your own sake than for him. Holding on to anger and disappointment makes you the one who suffers, not your husband. Forgiveness means freeing yourself from hurt and anger so that you are able to forget bad experiences and go back to your everyday life in peace.
- Whatever your decision, whether you want to stay together or get a divorce, forgetting what happened and forgiving your husband is good for you.
- Forgiving your husband doesn't mean you have to keep your marriage if you don't want to. If you don't want a divorce, forgiving your husband will allow you to recover from heartache and be able to bounce back from adversity.
Step 2. Forget what happened
If you want to keep a marriage, both parties have to build a new relationship, not repair an existing relationship. Start a new life by starting all over again from scratch. In order to forget a painful experience, the desire to start something new must be stronger than the desire to be angry with your husband or continue to regret bad experiences in the past.
- Free yourself from heartache. Don't beat yourself up or feel like you've been treated unfairly. Although difficult to do, this step is needed so that you are free from adversity and are ready to move on again to establish a new relationship.
- One way to let go of a bad experience is to perform a ceremony. Prepare a piece of paper for you and your husband. Write down experiences or feelings you want to forget and then burn them as a way of making a commitment together and starting a new relationship.
Step 3. Get counselling
If you want to keep your marriage, taking counseling for couples helps you accept your husband for who he is. Therapy helps couples realize their respective roles and set new goals as a family. Even if you want a divorce, therapy is a great way to allow your partner to go through the divorce process peacefully and consider both parties' interests.
- Find a therapist who has expertise in dealing with problematic couples or a specialist who can help you deal with an cheating spouse.
- Look for a therapist online or ask for a referral from an insurance company. Also, go to a mental health clinic or get information from a friend or doctor.
Step 4. Cultivate mutual trust using appropriate means
Checking your husband's phone or email is not a way to build trust because it will have a negative impact on both of you. In order to rebuild mutual trust, both parties must communicate honestly and openly. Learn to trust what he says, instead of questioning or doubting what he says. Restoring trust is not easy and takes time, but have faith that you can do it.
Cynicism and doubt are obstacles that hinder the restoration of trust. Consult a counselor if you are unable to restore trust in your husband
Step 5. Improve the quality of the relationship
While establishing a new relationship with your husband, try to build closeness and be a harmonious couple. If both of you have been having trouble communicating, improve your communication skills and speak honestly. If sex has ever caused problems, find ways that are fun for both of you. Support each other in useful new ways.
- For example, prepare a book to record your thoughts, hopes, and dreams together. Take turns and support each other.
- The therapist can provide direction and support if you don't already know how to improve the quality of your relationship.
Method 4 of 4: Seeking Support
Step 1. Share your problem with your closest friends and family members
Experiencing an incident like this will be very difficult if you face it alone. Share this experience with a trusted friend or family member. If you know someone who has had a similar experience, they may be the right person to talk to. Explain whether you want to be heard and/or ask for advice so he can give you the response you need.
- If the information you provide must be kept confidential, ask him to keep this information to himself.
- Even if you want to express your feelings, don't use the time to criticize or embarrass your husband. In addition to hindering recovery, you are putting your interlocutor in a difficult position if he or she is friendly with your husband. Instead, ask him to provide support and assistance.
Step 2. Join a support group
Many people have experienced the same thing. If you want to meet them, find a group of people who have been through the same thing and are able to understand how you feel. Share your experiences, gather new information, and find out what enabled them to forgive their husbands.
Look for support groups online or contact a mental health clinic. Find out if there are support groups in your community. If not, search the internet
Step 3. Ask for support from your religious community or other support group
You may seek support from a church fellowship, study group, spiritual community, or sports team. If you don't want to talk about personal problems, let them know that you're having a hard time and need support from friends.
You can tell what happened or keep it a secret. Whatever your choice, set clear boundaries to maintain privacy
Step 4. Make sure children get the support they need
Many couples decide not to tell their children about their affairs. Even if they don't know what you're going through, they still feel tense at home or between their parents. Make sure they still feel loved and supported. Try to keep daily activities going as usual and give them the attention they need.
- Don't answer questions you don't know the answer to. For example, when children see their parents fighting and ask, "Are Mom and Dad getting a divorce?", respond by saying, "I'm in trouble. I know you're upset too. Mom and Dad love you and don't want to worry you."
- Therapy for families is useful in dealing with the tensions that children experience, understanding the impact the problem has on them, and knowing how to provide support for them.
