Cheating is a common phenomenon. Every year, about 10 percent of married people admit that they are having an affair. This percentage increases for couples under 35 years old. Some people decide not to admit their affair, but others feel compelled to admit it. If you're compelled to admit to having an affair, there are several techniques you can use to help you break the bad news.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Setting the mood
Step 1. Choose the right place and time
You have to make sure the conversation takes place in a closed setting. Choose a time and location where you can have a long discussion without being distracted.
- It's a good idea to discuss this in your living room at home, not in a public place like a restaurant or cafe.
- Try not to choose a time when your partner is feeling stressed, when he or she has just finished work.
Step 2. Consider your partner's schedule and preferences
Maybe you can check with him as well whether the time and place you choose is right for him. Try telling your partner that there is something important you want to discuss and try asking him if he wants to talk to you or not.
For example, you could say, "I want to discuss something important with you and want to make sure we can cover it for a while. When is the best time for you?"
Step 3. Tell the truth
If you decide to be honest, now is the time. Even if your partner asks hurtful questions, you must answer them honestly. Try to be as honest as possible and don't forget to include even the smallest details.
You may feel that it's fine not to go into details about your affair, but this incomplete confession will only make you feel more guilty. For example, if you've cheated on you multiple times, an incomplete confession is telling your partner that you've only cheated on you once
Step 4. Listen to your partner
Even if you have a lot to say, chances are your partner also wants to say what's on their mind. Don't be so busy talking to yourself and try to listen. Respect his thoughts and feelings to be able to improve the relationship in the long term.
- Show that you hear him by leaning toward him and maintaining eye contact.
- Get rid of anything that can distract and avoid distractions. Turn off phones, televisions, computers, and so on.
- Don't interrupt your partner while they are talking. Listen until he finishes saying what he wants to say.
- Retell what your partner just said to show that you are listening. For example, you could say, "If I don't get it wrong, it sounds like you said…"
Part 2 of 3: Delivering This News
Step 1. Use simple and straightforward sentences
Inconsequential details and convoluted stories can only lead to a disorganized conversation. Provide the necessary details so as not to prolong this already painful conversation.
- "We met at the office." That's better than starting a long story by saying, "The manager needs a new assistant. So he hired this guy and…”
- However, be prepared to tell more if asked. Do not miss the details requested by the partner.
Step 2. Respect his right to know
No matter how many questions your partner asks, answer them as best you can with patience. A willingness to talk, even about uncomfortable details, demonstrates openness and a commitment to rebuilding trust. Therapists are encouraged to tell everything so the healing process can really begin. Also, if you were in his position, you would also expect patience and respect from him.
Step 3. Don't defend yourself
Refusing to take responsibility or underestimating mistakes will only exacerbate tensions. It's best not to focus on defending yourself, but focus on supporting your partner when he or she is in need. Relationship experts have determined that defensive sentences not only spoil a conversation but can over time damage the entire marital relationship. Avoid sentences like these:
- "I didn't mean to hurt you!"
- "Only once, really."
- "You don't know what you're talking about!"
Step 4. Don't defend third parties in the relationship
This gives your partner the impression you have feelings for your cheating partner. If not, why would you want to defend him? If you really want to fix your relationship with your partner, you have to show that your partner is your priority.
Part 3 of 3: Making Changes, or Not
Step 1. Admit your mistakes
Try to sincerely apologize for your mistake. In addition to feelings of guilt, you will also be motivated to admit your guilt after seeing how painful this process can be for your partner. Scientific research shows how people who are willing to admit mistakes are usually happier people.
Step 2. Explain why you are sorry
A sincere apology usually involves a statement that acknowledges not only your fault, but also regret for hurting the other person. Verbally admitting that you hurt your partner shows that you care about their feelings too. If you're still confused about expressing your regrets, here are some suggestions that can be used:
- "Sorry I lied to you. You don't deserve to be treated like that."
- "This is all my fault. I'm sorry for hurting you."
- "Lying is wrong and I'm sorry for betraying your trust."
Step 3. Suggest to go for a couple consultation
If you're committed to fixing your relationship, try asking her to join a couples therapy session. Dealing with infidelity can be a long and chaotic process. A counselor can help you and your partner to work on your relationship.
Step 4. Commit to complete honesty
Rebuilding that trust takes a long time. If you are completely honest with your partner from now on, you are showing that you are willing to work hard to improve the relationship.
You may have to agree to some terms that can help your partner trust you again. For example, you agree to update them more often when they're away or allow them to view their phone, email, and other social media accounts
Step 5. Share your feelings with your partner
The therapist emphasizes that in order to truly salvage a relationship after an infidelity, the parties must share their thoughts and feelings with one another. Take the time to understand why you are motivated to cheat and try to share this understanding with your partner. Some questions to ask yourself:
- "Am I lonely?" "If so, why?"
- "Why would I choose that person over my partner?"
- "What kind of feelings do I have for my ex-girlfriend?"
Step 6. Prepare for rejection
Even though 70% of couples want to fix their relationship and try to stay together, some couples don't get together again after one of them cheated on him. Make sure you are prepared for the eventual end of your relationship.
- You also have to prepare yourself for anger from your partner. Remember that your partner has the right to be angry. Try to be willing to listen to your partner when he or she expresses anger.
- Keep in mind that you have plenty of time to prepare for this discussion, but for couples, it can be a real shock.
Tips
- Provide information to partners as quickly as possible. Knowing infidelity from outsiders is painful.
- Your partner wants to know the reason why you cheated on him. You may need time and have to attend several therapy sessions to find out exactly why. So be patient.
- Explain that the partner is completely innocent. Your partner's confidence will be disturbed when you hear this news. Maybe he even blamed himself. Emphasize over and over that the fault is solely yours.
Warning
- Get a medical checkup right away. If you have sex outside of a relationship with your partner and then have sex with him too, he has a right to know.
- Everyone reacts differently whenever they hear bad news. Be prepared to see your partner scream, be physically abusive, or walk away from you. Try to manage your anger so you can help your partner when they need it.
