Being a victim of infidelity is not easy, but if you can respond positively, your recovery process will be smoother and healthier. Whatever your decision, whether it's to repair your relationship with your partner or end it, try reading this article and find tips to recover and move on with your life for the better.
Step
Method 1 of 2: Restoring Lost Trust
Step 1. Determine whether or not it is necessary to rebuild the trust that collapsed in the relationship
Spouse infidelity is a very serious breach of trust! By doing so, it means that your partner is not worthy or unable to build a healthy relationship with you. On the other hand, there are good people who have already made the wrong decision, and if he really feels guilty or is willing to make a new commitment, there's nothing stopping you from forgiving him in order to build a better relationship with him. Alternatively, you may decide you can no longer trust him and want to end the relationship. Some things to consider:
- Does your partner really look guilty?
- Is it the partner who admits the affair or did you hear about it from someone else?
- Has this kind of problem happened before, or has your partner promised not to repeat the mistake but failed to keep the promise?
- Was his affair a small part of his bad behavior towards you over the years?
- Is your partner willing to take more serious steps to improve the relationship (if you decide to do so), such as by taking marriage counseling, quitting his job, moving to another city, etc.?
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Do you feel like you can trust your partner again? The most appropriate answer really depends on your decision as the person who was betrayed, regardless of the many apologies and sweet promises made by your partner. This answer will influence your decision.
- A person's feelings can change over time, and as the person's experience with their cheating partner increases. Both can (and very naturally) happen.
- Your friends and relatives may mean well by providing practical advice to make your decision-making process easier. However, understand that you don't need to rush into a decision because whatever their advice, it's really “your life”.
Step 2. Understand the reasons behind your partner's infidelity
In fact, everyone's infidelity is based on different reasons based on different reasons and not only about sex. In some cases, someone cheats because they want to find an emotional bond, run away from a situation, or are trying to deal with a loss or crisis in their life. However, of course all these reasons cannot be used to justify infidelity, yes!
- Don't assume that your partner's infidelity is based on sex alone. Before deciding to improve your relationship with him, try saying something like this to your partner, “I need to know why you cheated on him and who it was. Please be honest, yes, I have a right to know what happened."
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Understand that your partner may also not know the reason behind the affair. In other words, he may never have thought about the reason deeply, or even if he did, he might still not know the answer. In some cases, "I don't know" may be the most honest answer. Apart from that, some other common reasons underlying infidelity are:
- Interested in different people.
- Thirst for attention, novelty, or excitement.
- Feeling that you have a troubled marital relationship, feeling stressed in your marriage, or feeling distant from your partner.
- Having parents (especially those of the same gender) who are also having an affair.
- Have a cultural background or subculture that tolerates infidelity.
- Have a mental illness or disorder. Not all cheaters have psychiatric disorders, but some types of mental disorders such as bipolar, depression, and acute inattention can contribute to a person's decision-making process.
Step 3. Ask your partner to stop communicating in any form with the cheating partner
In order for the relationship between the two of you to survive, of course the third party must get out of the circle, right? In particular, there are boundaries in the relationship between the two of you that have been broken and need to be repaired in order for things to be solid again. That is why, the partner must be willing to stop all forms of communication with the cheating partner, even though the request may be difficult to fulfill if the third party is a co-worker or someone the partner has to meet every day.
- Chances are, the couple will also have to change their lifestyle, such as by looking for a new job, leaving the sports club, or even moving to another city.
- If your partner is having an affair with a close relative (such as with a distant relative), be prepared for all kinds of awkwardness and difficulties that might follow, especially since it's not only your romantic relationship that has the potential to break but your relationship as well.
- If your partner doesn't want to end their relationship with that person, it means they don't want to stop the affair. If that's the case, chances are that your relationship is beyond repair.
- Meanwhile, if the person continues to be aggressive despite being shunned by your partner, try seeking a court protection order to keep the person out of your household circle.
Step 4. Communicate with your partner when you feel ready
Most likely, realizing your partner's infidelity will trigger a surge of emotions and intense stress in you. In other words, you may need some time to clear your head before discussing issues with your partner. That's why, there's nothing wrong with asking your partner for time to think and calm down, even though communicating the problem is an important thing to do in order to continue the relationship in a better direction. Speak up, only when you feel completely ready to do so.
- If your partner pressures you to talk, don't hesitate to say, “I appreciate your desire to talk about this, but right now I still feel too sick to discuss it. Please prove your love by giving me enough time and space.”
- Nothing stops you from being really angry. Remember, you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or disappointed, and expressing it is a perfectly healthy way. No one should have an affair, and your partner should understand the impact his behavior has on you. In particular, if you choose to hold onto the emotions that build up, your partner will not understand the consequences of their actions. Plus, one day, you too may explode for trying to suppress these perfectly normal, natural emotions. If your partner is still trying to avoid or blame you, it means that he is not able to take responsibility for his actions. If that's the case, you might say, "I want you to focus on your behavior, okay?"
Step 5. Set boundaries within the relationship, especially with regard to people outside of your marriage relationship
Remember, infidelity generally occurs when healthy boundaries in a relationship are not respected by the parties to it. Therefore, do not be afraid to emphasize the boundaries that exist in your relationship, even if your partner gives millions of reasons to justify his infidelity.
- For example, emphasize that your partner should not discuss you or the problems in your marriage with anyone else. If necessary, the two of you can work together to develop topics that are okay to talk about with other people, such as friends and coworkers, and those that aren't.
- In addition, your friendship with your partner should not be colored by any sexual activity. This means that neither party can kiss (especially if the activity is part of your culture), flirt, or engage in any sexual activity with another person.
- You and your partner should not go alone with the opposite sex who has the potential to become a cheating partner. This means that all parties can't just drink coffee in a cafe with coworkers who are single (or even married). Although it sounds excessive, actually these boundaries can help restore lost trust in relationships, you know!
- In addition, emotional intimacy should only exist in a marital relationship. That doesn't mean you and your partner shouldn't have an emotional closeness with your best friend, right? However, true emotional intimacy can easily cross the line of worthiness and turn friendships into infidelity.
Step 6. Ask your partner to inform you of their whereabouts throughout the day
To rebuild trust that has been broken, your partner must first understand that his or her behavior has damaged your trust. For this reason, you have the right to ask your partner to periodically report his whereabouts. Even if your partner feels they have been treated unfairly, they should know that this step is necessary if they are to gain your trust again.
Be careful not to sound demanding or controlling your partner. There's nothing wrong with checking on your partner's whereabouts, but bombarding him with text messages or phone calls throughout the day isn't healthy behavior, especially if you're also making threats related to your relationship status if he doesn't respond right away. It's natural to feel suspicious, but you need to be able to show those emotions in a civilized way
Step 7. Allude to your partner's infidelity to some extent
Basically, you, as the betrayer, have the full right to set limits on what you want to know, and when you want to know.
- One way you can do this: each week, schedule two 30-minute sessions to discuss your partner's infidelity, instead of bombarding your partner with infidelity-related questions throughout the week.
- Don't ask your partner to admit things that may sound hurtful to your ears. Remember, you are the only party who has the right to determine whether or not the information is heard, and when is the right time to hear it. On the other hand, you also have the right not to know the information!
Step 8. Apologize at the right time
Chances are, your partner will actually feel guilty and continue to beg for forgiveness from you. However, understand that true forgiveness and self-restoration will not happen overnight! In fact, there's no deadline you have to meet to do so. That's why your partner should realize that he or she is not in charge of your recovery process, and you shouldn't be afraid to ask for more time to heal before you forgive your partner. To make it easier for your partner to understand, convey that you are still hurt so much that you can't forgive them, at least for now.
- Say something like, “I appreciate your apology, and I want you to keep doing it. But, right now I'm not ready to forgive you."
- Understand that you DO NOT have to forgive your partner. Infidelity can leave a deep wound in anyone's heart and mind. Often times, the impact on relationships can be disastrous! That way, your reluctance to forgive your partner doesn't necessarily make you a bad person or lack of affection, so you don't have to be afraid to emphasize that you've been hurt enough by them all this time.
Step 9. Ask an expert counselor for help
Dealing with a cheating partner without anyone's help is not as easy as turning the palm of the hand! Therefore, if you and your partner find it difficult to proceed without the help of a third person, don't hesitate to ask for help from a licensed counselor who specializes in marital problems. Trust me, they can help you manage your emotions and have more constructive conversations with your partner.
- Always remember that marriage counseling will not provide an instant solution, especially since a broken trust will of course take time to repair.
- Marriage or couples counseling can also help both of you to end the relationship in a better way. Although the counselor's job is to repair the relationship, they can also help to alert clients if there are problems in the relationship that cannot be fixed, and help clients to continue living without each other in a more civilized way.
Method 2 of 2: Repairing Relationships
Step 1. Encourage your partner to open up more to you
Sharing more emotions with your partner and encouraging your partner to do the same can strengthen your relationship. This means that you and your partner must get used to relying on each other every day. Some opening questions to encourage openness in relationships are:
- “Remember, we used to take the dog for a walk together around the complex? Tonight you want to do that again, don't you?"
- "Our problems yesterday were quite heavy, yes, and I want our relationship to be like that in the future. We can start all over again, and this time I want to take a deep breath and listen to you louder. I also want to tell you what I think is better for our relationship, and find out what you want.”
Step 2. Understand each other's needs
One of the keys to repairing a relationship is to find out and understand each other's needs, and the best way to do that is to discuss each other's needs face-to-face.
If you are unsure of your partner's needs or wants, the best way to find out is to ask and listen. If you still don't get an answer afterward, ask additional questions such as, “I feel like what you want is _. That's right, isn't it?"
Step 3. Respect each other
Showing appreciation through sincere compliments is a very important key to building a healthy relationship. Therefore, make sure you and your partner really understand the importance of complimenting each other, and the importance of understanding the correct way to convey the compliment. Remember, a good compliment must not only be sincere and specific, but also be packaged in "I" instead of "you."
For example, if your partner is cleaning the kitchen, don't say, "You're doing great, cleaning the kitchen." Instead, say "I'm so glad you want to clean the kitchen." In particular, use me instead of you so that your partner understands how you feel, not just what comes out of your mouth
Step 4. Get your partner to commit to change
If you feel ready to go further with your partner, don't forget to ask him to promise not to commit the same betrayal in the future. If necessary, ask your partner to say or even write down any behavior that he or she will change.
Step 5. Determine the consequences for your partner if the affair happens again
Since your partner may be cheating on you again, try discussing the consequences for your partner if the same situation happens again, such as divorce or other actions. If necessary, document the consequences and enlist the help of a lawyer to certify the legality of the law.
Step 6. Know the right time to end the relationship with your partner
If the relationship situation doesn't improve despite your best efforts to fix it, even with the help of a marriage counselor, chances are that your relationship is beyond repair. Some of the symptoms of a relationship that has been on the brink are:
- You and your partner are constantly fighting
- You and your partner no longer feel connected to each other
- You and your partner are unable to empathize with each other
- You feel hurt and anger that won't subside
- You feel unable to take advantage of your partner
Tips
If you find it difficult to manage the emotions that arise after being the victim of an infidelity, try therapy with a mental health professional to deal with it
Warning
- Try to differentiate between your spouse's infidelity and your spouse's relationship with your child. Remember, your spouse's infidelity is a matter for both of you, and your child shouldn't be involved in it. Therefore, do not distance your spouse from your child or use the child's presence to threaten your partner (such as threatening divorce or taking full custody of the child).
- If your partner continues to cheat or cheat again after apologizing and receiving a second chance, you're most likely in a relationship with someone who's a hooker or sex addict. In such a situation, don't hesitate to end the relationship immediately and move on with your life! If you don't, your emotional health can be hurt even more by constantly hurting beliefs.
