Conflict is a natural and healthy part of any relationship, and can be useful in communicating unmet needs and communication breakdowns. But sometimes, fighting can feel overwhelming and draining. You may find it difficult to stay friends with someone who is always up for a fight. There is hope to save your friendship and reduce fighting, and it starts with you.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Resolving Conflicts From Within
Step 1. Take a break and focus on yourself
If you realize an argument is about to break out or you find yourself reacting to something your friend said, take a moment and find some calm. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself not to react.
Remember that you may not be responsible for the actions or words of others, but you are responsible for your own actions and reactions. Use affirmative words like, "I'm the one who decides how I respond to other people, and I'm deciding to stay calm now."
Step 2. Determine what is important to strive for
Forget trivial matters. Important matters obviously have to be addressed, but not all debates should be contentious. Sometimes, people like to elicit reactions from other people. Don't give up and get into a fight.
- Change the subject or tell your friend that you don't want to talk about the topic.
- Be careful not to respond in a rude way. There's a difference between saying "I don't want to talk about it" and "Stop bringing it up!"
- Sometimes, you do need to discuss things, but maybe now isn't the time. You might say, “This is important to talk about, but I don't want to talk about it right now, and I don't want to say something that I will regret. Can we find some time to talk about it later when I have time to think and calm down?”
Step 3. Pay attention to your nonverbal communication
Pay attention to your body and see how your communication with your friends can spark an argument. Pay attention to eye contact (or whether you avoid eye contact), body position, body language and facial expressions. If you show distance or hatred, chances are your friend will catch on and make it worse with verbal arguments.
- Closed body language includes crossing your arms/legs, looking away, turning your body away from someone.
- Aggressive or hostile body language can include gritting your teeth, clenching your fists, tense muscles, staring eyes, or feeling restless.
Step 4. Avoid unhelpful responses to conflict
No one responds perfectly to conflict every time it occurs. Especially if the conflict persists, chances are it's not entirely your friend's fault and you're also responsible for it. It's time to examine how you react and how you are consumed by conflict. Unhealthy ways to respond to conflict include:
- Inability to recognize the things that matter to your friend
- Angry, explosive, or defensive attitude
- Embarrassing (“I can't believe you did that, only bad people do that”)
- Denial (“I don't want anything to do with you or your apology, it means nothing to me”)
- Inability to compromise.
- Fear and avoidance of conflict; expect bad things as a result.
Step 5. Take responsibility for yourself
Save everyone time and effort by admitting your mistakes. Admitting mistakes is not a sign of weakness, but shows that you are ready to acknowledge your role in a negative interaction and you want to work things out.
Keep it simple, and don't go overboard in explaining or giving reasons. A simple sentence that could be used for example, "I'm sorry for venting my stress on you. I realized I was upset my cat broke the curtain and I snapped at you.”
Part 2 of 3: Resolving Conflicts with Your Friends
Step 1. Use objectivity
Don't let a little annoyance or disagreement with your friend on the day build into a conflict. Are you annoyed with your friend or annoyed by the previous slow traffic and venting frustration on your friend? Also notice when your friend takes their stress out on you. Maybe your friend feels overwhelmed with school, work, or her kids and doesn't have a place to vent her stress. Unfortunately, many people take their stress out on other people. Keep things objective.
Think about the stressors in your friend's life that may have fueled their anger. Then talk to him about it, showing genuine concern
Step 2. Practice empathy
After using a little objectivity, have some empathy. Maybe your friend doesn't know how to deal with her stress and takes it out on someone else. The ability to show that you understand the other person's feelings can be one of the most powerful communication skills. This will make the person feel heard and defuse the conflict.
- Having empathy doesn't mean you agree with their point of view, but it does mean that you show an understanding of how they feel (e.g. "I can understand you're upset about that.")
- Reflect on your friend's words and feelings. “I heard you say that you feel stressed and overwhelmed. I would definitely feel the same if I were in your position. I fully understand that this is a difficult thing for you.”
Step 3. Focus on your friend's needs
Conflicts often arise because of different needs, or needs that are not sufficiently expressed. If both feel accepted, supported and understood, chances are that conflict will not occur. Think about the basis of what your friend is saying. Then consider ways that you might not support or accept your friend. Understand that conflict will continue to worsen until you address it head-on.
- Maybe your friend wants to spend more time together than you can afford.
- Think of ways you can support your friend. Show that you are there for him.
- If you're not sure what your friend needs, talk to them. Ask, “How can I be a better friend?”
Step 4. Talk to your friends
Approach your friend, and say that you want to discuss the negative dynamic between the two of you. Do this in a nonchalant way, and don't start the discussion with a list of things you don't like about your friend; instead, stay open to resolving conflicts and listen to your friends. Say that you care about your friendship, and don't want to be in constant conflict. Chances are your friend feels the same way.
- Listen carefully and let your friend share her feelings and thoughts.
- Be honest but also respectful. Remember, the goal is to resolve the conflict, not blame.
Part 3 of 3: Moving On With Your Friends
Step 1. Define some ground rules
There may be certain topics that you continue to debate, such as sports teams, religion, or political parties. Decide with your friends to avoid discussing these topics. Tell other friends who are close to you that these topics should not be discussed and that you want them to respect that decision when you and your friend are together.
Step 2. Communicate in a way that provides openness and resolves issues
Don't close yourself off or enter situations with your friend hostile. Make sure you feel open in your interactions, and stay positive. Develop nuances that encourage problem solving, such as allowing emotions to be expressed and getting more information when you feel something is not clear.
- Don't meet your friends in hopes of not getting on well. Instead, meet with the hope that things will be okay.
- Don't be too quick to disagree. Instead, take the positives out of your interactions or direct them to more positive topics. If your friend wants to debate climate change, say, “Your concern for the environment means a lot. I admire that of you.”
Step 3. Make a way out
If you notice that things are heating up between you and your friend, make an exit. There's often the start of a fight that sparks his anger, so stay alert and pay attention when you feel tension rising. Change the subject, move on to another topic, or say to your friend, "I don't want to talk about this."
If you have friends in common, ask them for support by cutting the conversation off to another topic or changing the direction of the conversation
Step 4. Forgive
There's no point in holding grudges. It will make you feel bad and ruin the friendship. Holding a grudge can also make you more prone to finding fault with your friend, which will lead to more disagreements. Learn to forgive your friend and move on with life to enjoy the friendship again.
Warning
- Not all friendships that contain fights are healthy. If you really aren't on good terms with your friend and the friendship isn't worth saving, reconsider your friendship.
- Don't shout or speak harshly. Communication is important, but not noisy or angry communication.
