Knowing exactly what you want in a relationship can be difficult, especially if you're young or don't have much experience in the dating world. Even if you've dated multiple people before, every relationship is different and you may have different priorities than your previous priorities. The process of knowing what you want in a relationship is tough, but it's worth going through.
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Part 1 of 3: Deciding What to Dislike
Step 1. Make a list of the things you cannot accept
Sometimes, to better understand what you want in a relationship, it's a good idea to first understand the unexpected. Even though it's difficult, you usually already know what you don't want. Sit down and write a list of criteria that can “disqualify” a potential partner first. Several studies have shown that common aspects that are “hope-busters” for people wanting long-term relationships include:
- Having problems managing anger or violent behavior
- Dating several people at the same time
- Untrustworthy attitude
- Prospective partner who is already in a relationship or married
- Having health problems, such as sexually transmitted diseases
- Addiction to drugs or alcohol
- Lack of sensitivity to partner
- Lack of personal hygiene
Step 2. Define values that you cannot compromise on
Think of your personal values as a map depicting the life you want to live. You can't just assume that your partner will share the same values. However, it is important to know your values so that you yourself understand the principles and beliefs that should not be compromised.
- For example, if you feel that honesty is the most important aspect of your life, then you certainly can't be in a relationship with a partner who often lies. In addition, the relationship will be strained if your partner suspects that you are lying.
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Find core values by answering the following questions and looking for recurring “themes” or patterns:
- If you could change something in the local community, what would you want to change? And what is the reason?
- Who are the two people you respect or admire the most? What character or aspect do you admire about them?
- If your house caught fire and everyone was rescued, what three items would you want to secure? What is the reason?
- What moment in life made you feel most satisfied? What makes you feel so satisfied?
Step 3. Think of past relationship patterns
Think back to relationships you've had before-whether romantic, platonic, or family. For a relationship that ended tragically, think about the factors that led to the relationship ending. What aspects of the relationship made you feel dissatisfied or unhappy?
Take note of any negative patterns you can spot from an unsatisfactory relationship with an ex-lover, friend, or family member. View these issues as basic information to determine what you shouldn't expect from your next relationship
Step 4. Think about the problems you notice in the relationships around you
Other relationships can also affect you. Of course, you've been spending a lot of time with friends or other family members who are romantically involved. Even if you are outside of their relationship, you may still be aware of or aware of their problems.
- For example, maybe your sister was devastated after her boyfriend cheated on her. The support and assistance you provide makes you aware of the importance of loyalty in relationships.
- Watch for warning signs from other people's relationships that shouldn't happen in yours. By learning from the mistakes of others, you can lead a more fulfilling relationship in the future.
Part 2 of 3: Assessing Needs
Step 1. Love yourself first
Many people make the mistake of looking for a romantic partner to perfect their life. However, the couple actually acts as a complement; You must be able to perfect your own life. To experience perfection in life, you must be able to love yourself and not depend on the love of others. Show love for yourself by:
- Make a list of characters or things you like about yourself (e.g. friendliness, smiles, etc.)
- Talk to yourself in a gentle and loving way, like when you talk to a friend
- Realizing your own needs and desires, and living your life according to these two aspects
- Caring for the body
- Managing stress
- Don't think about the past and live a life that exists in the present
Step 2. Think about the type of relationship you want
What are the expectations for your partner and yourself? As much as possible try not to side with yourself. This way, you can identify individual traits that you don't need to meet and patterns of behavior that you need to stop. In the future, you can determine the type of relationship you really want.
For example, you might feel like you're ready to be in a relationship with someone, but the truth is that you're not ready to commit. Or conversely, you may feel like having fun, but based on your previous relationships, you realize that it's easy for you to bond emotionally with other people
Step 3. Turn the list of things you don't like into the most important things
Reread the list of aspects or things you don't want in the relationship. By knowing these things, you can now know what needs to be done. Turn that list into the positive things you want in the relationship.
- For example, if you don't want someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, you can change that point to "concern for physical and mental health." Of course, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who abuses drugs or alcohol, so you'll want to look for someone who can prioritize their health.
- Add more positive aspects that you know. Be honest with yourself. If physical attraction is something you don't want, don't write about that aspect. However, try to focus on things that are not related to appearance, such as intelligence, patience, and empathy. You also need to think about aspects such as religion and politics that may be relevant (or vice versa). Don't ignore other aspects, regardless of how embarrassing or trivial they may be.
Step 4. Be the person you want to date
One way to maximize the process of finding your ideal partner is to reflect the characters you're looking for. This way, you'll be able to see if your expectations are realistic, and get a chance to assess what you can give your relationship. It's not natural to make a list of "demands" for a potential partner without changing yourself. However, by reflecting a character or aspect you like, you can become an attractive person who can attract the attention of someone like yourself.
- For example, if physical and mental health are important aspects that you want in your partner, spend a month taking care of your health wholeheartedly (eg maintaining a healthy diet, exercising, fighting stress, and getting enough sleep). Keep this habit after a month has passed.
- Let's say you list "wealth" as a desirable aspect of your partner. If you can't get rich quick, it's a good idea to lower your expectations and change that point to "financially stable".
Part 3 of 3: Casual Dating
Step 1. Spend time with people, with no strings attached
You can make a wish list and look for warning signs from past relationships, but the best way to determine what you want in a relationship is to date casually. Go out with a few people who seem to meet your standards for coffee, ice cream, or a drink.
- Be aware of personal limits before you enter this zone. Don't let yourself be physically intimate with several people at the same time.
- Also, it's a good idea to let your date know early on that you're still dating casually so as not to hurt your date's feelings. Set a time limit to stop seeing someone if you don't find the right relationship with them. If someone seems serious about the date they're on, or you're starting to feel more attracted to someone, reduce your interactions with other people and follow your instincts.
Step 2. Evaluate compatibility with various potential partners
As you spend some time and date several potential partners, think about how each person fits into your personal values, goals, and dreams. Make sure that no one reflects on an aspect or character of your list of things you don't like. When you get to know him, don't forget your personal wants and needs.
At this stage, you may "naturally" feel that your relationship is better or more focused on one person than other potential partners. Now is a good time to reduce interaction with other candidates so you can focus on building relationships with more “leading” people and maintaining loyalty
Step 3. Imagine your relationship after the “honeymoon phase”
Every short-term relationship starts with looking at your partner in a positive light. Anything he said or did was impressive. As time passed, his aura of perfection began to fade. Be prepared to deal with things like this and imagine the state of the relationship in the months or years after being "in love".
- Consider whether the little things that upset you or your partner are seen as upsetting. Reread the list of things you don't expect from a relationship and make sure you don't miss out on a value or important aspect just because you're in love.
- For example, if cleanliness is an important aspect, can you rest easy when your partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink for days on end?
- Before ending your relationship with someone because of something that you find disappointing, try to think that at this point you really just don't like the little things that they show. However, make sure you don't overlook the non-negotiable.
Step 4. Communicate with your partner
If you end up feeling that the two of you are quite compatible (eg have similar values, goals, interests, and outlook on life), this might be a good time to talk about what you want. Once you're sure that he reflects what you want in your relationship, make sure that he feels the same way.
- Express your feelings frankly. If he's not interested in a long-term relationship, it's a good idea to find out early on. Don't assume that you can change his mind in any way.
- Invite him to talk in a quiet moment and share how you feel about your current relationship. You could say, “I've been delighted to have known you over the last few months. I want to know how you feel about this relationship and our current position.” It's important for you to know if he can see a long-term relationship with you in the future, or if he's ready to bond exclusively.
