Everyone would be annoyed if they were told that they are selfish. Such people are only busy taking care of their own interests and care less about others. We all want to be people who are able to empathize and share a love that cares for others as much as we care for ourselves. However, we tend to pay more attention to ourselves than to others. Try to find out if you have any of the traits of a selfish person in order to change these traits or behaviors. This way, you can better understand the needs and feelings of others.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Determining whether you are selfish
Step 1. Try to evaluate your conversation
The characteristics of a selfish person are usually clearly visible when he interacts with other people. Begin to identify the style and direction of your conversations with other people to find out if you are selfish. After chatting with someone, try to answer the following questions:
- Who talks the most while chatting?
- Who is “directing” or dominating the conversation?
- Did you learn new things about the person you were chatting with?
- Have you ever asked questions that have nothing to do with your own life or feelings?
Step 2. Rank your skills to listen to others
Selfish people tend to turn the conversation around to talk about them, instead of listening and appreciating what other people have to say. In fact, they didn't seem to want to listen at all. Try to find out if you can be a good listener who will pay attention to what other people are talking about, instead of waiting for an opportunity to shift the topic to talk about yourself.
Ask yourself if you pay attention to the way the other person speaks, as well as listening to what he has to say. Does he tell you things you don't know about him? Do you also ask, nod, or understand what he's saying to keep the conversation going?
Step 3. Be mindful of how you feel when you speak
Do your conversations feel more like competition? Do you like to beat your opponent during a chat, cut off the conversation, or speak louder to convey your opinion to the other person? Does your story have to be more dramatic or grander than everyone else's? These are the characteristics of a selfish person.
- Another hallmark of selfishness is the desire to always be right or win in an argument, instead of understanding the other person's point of view or opinion.
- If you feel like you're running out of energy or very tired after a conversation, especially if you feel like a "lost" person that you want to get angry or very upset, these are signs of selfishness.
Step 4. Think about how long you usually care about other people's feelings
Selfish people are usually unable to understand other people's feelings. If you rarely think about the feelings of your friends or family, you may be a selfish person. It's okay to think of ways to make yourself happy and happy, but never forget or ignore other people, especially the people you love and love you.
If you often disappoint others and don't realize the effect your attitude has on other people's feelings, start cultivating empathy and don't care about yourself anymore
Step 5. Ask yourself if when you socialize, you often guess what other people think of you
Selfish people usually engage in social interactions because they want to be seen as attractive, charming, fun, or special. You can be considered selfish if you often distance yourself from social life because you think you're smart, cool, or fun without thinking about other people's feelings.
Do you often repeat things, remember times when other people laughed at you, or think about people who seemed to really admire you? These are the characteristics of a selfish person
Step 6. Recognize how you respond to constructive criticism or feedback
Selfish people usually resist or ignore feedback from others. It's natural for you not to let negative feedback interfere with your life, but if you constantly ignore other people's positive feedback or views, your work or personal relationships could be in trouble later on. Find out if you're used to responding to other people's suggestions or feedback defensively or angry, instead of trying to understand their point of view.
Step 7. Think again about whether you often blame others when things go wrong
Do you immediately blame other people when you forget to pay your bills or your work doesn't get done by a deadline? If you're used to reacting this way, you may be a self-absorbed person who has a hard time accepting mistakes or forgiving yourself.
Step 8. Consider any intergenerational differences
Research shows that today's young generation is more self-absorbed than previous generations. Millennials (between 1980 and 2000), were born when the world was in crisis so that their lives were greatly affected. Their seemingly selfish attitude may be their way of dealing with the situation.
Despite the differences between generations, no one wants to be friends with those who are selfish and so don't care about anyone other than themselves. Thinking and paying attention to others is a learnable behavior. It's never too late to start learning it
Part 2 of 3: Changing Self-interested Behavior
Step 1. Stop wanting or expecting to be praised
Selfish people usually expect praise from others. If you don't just enjoy being praised, but live for the sake of getting compliments, this could show that you are indeed a selfish person. It's natural to take compliments as pleasant or unexpected surprises, but feeling worthy of being praised because you're great is a trait of a selfish person.
Praise is supposed to increase happiness, not something to be expected
Step 2. Get in the habit of doing things in different ways
If you have a hard time accepting the way other people work, there's a good chance you're acting this way because you think you always know the best way. Whether you're planning a project at work or want to put on a dance show at school, if you think you know best how to do anything right and don't like it when someone else takes over, you may need to learn to be more flexible. It's possible that you're acting this way because you're worried about missing out on a compliment or having to admit that the other person is right. However, you can better take advantage of this opportunity to open up more.
For example, if you're angry, upset, or even just want to be alone when someone else does something differently, even if it's just a coworker's idea, your ego can get in the way of your progress at work
Step 3. Don't be jealous of other people's success
Selfish people can't be happy when someone gets compliments and awards. If the people closest to you get compliments, whether it's a brother or sister who is praised for their good grades or a co-worker who successfully completes a project, of course you will also feel happy for their success. If you find yourself envious, angry, or wondering why they're getting compliments, try changing your attitude to be less selfish.
Step 4. Notice if you are accustomed to remembering birthdays, special moments, or other important events in other people's lives
If you always forget or don't care about birthdays, graduations, promotions, or other important events in your friends' lives, it's probably because you're too focused on yourself. Even though we are all busy and sometimes forget about certain events, the habit of constant forgetting is a sign of a selfish person.
Ask yourself about your habit of sticking to a schedule. If you often forget important events and have trouble remembering appointments or meeting schedules, you may just be less used to sticking to your schedule. Or, if you have Attention Deficit Disorder (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), forgetfulness may be due to this disorder, not to selfishness
Step 5. Find friends with different personalities
Selfish people usually don't like hanging out with someone who is easy going, easy to talk to, or has lots of friends because they don't want to compete for attention and prefer to be alone when it comes to success. In addition, they also do not like to be around someone who looks cooler or more attractive. They prefer to hang out with people who are calm or don't want to stand out in order to always be the center of attention. If you feel you have these qualities, try to find friends who are different. It's a good idea to hang out with people who are more sociable and more extroverted. In addition, often interact with people who are different in nature.
This also applies to your own relationship. If you don't want to choose a bigger date, it may be because you're afraid that other people's attention will no longer be on you
Step 6. Try to be nice to everyone
Selfish people tend to be rude to others because they think others are unimportant. If you're speaking harshly to a waitress, being rude to a coworker, or being half an hour late to dinner with a friend who could be a good friend, you're signaling that they don't deserve your time or attention. Even if you don't mean it this way, your attitude shows that you care more about yourself than anyone else and makes you seem selfish.
Selfish people are most afraid of being mistreated by others, but always ignore others without realizing their hypocritical behavior. Being aware of how you want to be treated and treating others the way they want can improve your social relationships and the way others see you
Part 3 of 3: Becoming a More Caring Person
Step 1. Cultivate awareness
Many of us are not aware that we are capable of understanding other people and their feelings. Work on growing awareness by recognizing and observing your own behavior. You can only change yourself after being able to realize your behavior habits. Start raising awareness by asking yourself questions after spending time with friends, for example:
- “What effort have I made to not focus solely on myself and my interests when chatting?”
- “What do I know about my friend, her feelings, or the problems she is having today?”
Step 2. Ask questions when you are chatting with someone
Asking questions shows that you want to be actively involved in order to understand the other person's point of view. If you have time to chat with a friend or acquaintance, try asking how your friend feels about the situation at hand. You can also ask how he was able to achieve a goal or complete a difficult task. People are usually happy to know that someone cares about their efforts to solve the problem they are facing. You might be surprised how many people are willing to open up by asking targeted and touching questions.
To a coworker, you can ask directly what he did to complete his project well. In this case, you should listen carefully and pay attention to his suggestions, rather than forcing your own opinion
Step 3. Apologize if you hurt the other person's feelings
Selfish people usually don't care if they've hurt other people's feelings because they can't understand other people's feelings. If you want to overcome selfishness, try to learn to understand the other person's feelings and apologize if you have hurt them.
Apologize sincerely. Your words are no more important than genuine remorse and the ability to empathize with other people's feelings. It might be awkward if you're just starting to apologize or empathize, that's okay. It will get easier over time as you get used to it and you will apologize less and less
Step 4. Take care of your attitude when chatting
Don't interrupt the conversation by sharing your own feelings before the other person has finished talking about his feelings. Listen carefully to what he has to say and try to understand and develop yourself from this conversation, even if you don't have a chance to share your story. Pay close attention so you can repeat what he says and remember important words.
This habit will show that you listen and respect others. In addition, you are also easier to understand when listening. Don't start the conversation with a certain position. Instead, let you be convinced by the opinions or points of view of others. Try to pay attention so that you can summarize the person's story and explain how he or she feels about the problem
Step 5. Show genuine curiosity to the other person
Start thinking about and caring for your friends even if they're not with you. If a friend is having a hard time, send them a message or something nice to let them know that you care about them. Try to remember what he told you the last time you talked and ask about it again. Do little things to let him know that you care. For example, try calling a friend so you can understand how they feel. This way, you can show that you care about their problems or interests.
Don't just say that you want to support and care for him, but show it through your actions. In addition to listening, you must also respect his opinion. For example, ask him for his opinion on plans to buy in bulk and ask for his advice so that he feels valued
Step 6. Do something for someone else
Stop thinking about yourself and help others by doing something. You can volunteer for charities or help out disaster victims. Get in the habit of doing things selflessly to cultivate empathy and concern for others.
Value friendships for what they are, not for what you can get. Do not take advantage of other people or certain activities for your own benefit
Step 7. Cultivate self-respect or love
Knowing the difference between loving and being selfish may not be easy. You need to be able to love and respect yourself while making sure that other people notice and listen to you. Self-respect will prevent others from demeaning or hurting your feelings, but it doesn't mean that you can harm others for your own good.
The basis of self-love is balance. You are not a selfish person if you are able to love yourself and others
Tips
- Read books on how to build self-esteem, manage anger, and be patient using the available resources.
- If someone tells you that you are selfish, don't think that they are mean or hostile to them. You can hurt his feelings. Instead, try to see that he wants to help you improve, not insult you.
- When listening to other people's opinions or ideas, try to sympathize and respect them. If it doesn't match your point of view, explain calmly and carefully what is right and what is wrong.
