Unconstructive criticism is poison to any healthy relationship; criticizing too often can increase relationship tension and have a negative impact on your relationships with other people. It's natural to express anger at the person who has hurt you. However, simply criticizing without providing the right solution is also not a wise action. There are several things you need to do to reduce the habit of criticizing. First of all, you need to learn to change your behavior to prevent the habit from developing. After that, find an effective way to communicate your frustration. The last step you need to do is educate yourself and doubt every negative assumption that comes to your mind. Do these three steps, then surely the habit will slowly disappear.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Changing Behavior
Step 1. Think before you speak
Before criticizing, pause and consider the urgency of your statement. If someone is upsetting you, do you really need to tell them? Sometimes, there are things that are not worth discussing. Instead of criticizing, try to take a deep breath and leave the situation.
- It's best not to criticize someone's personality. Humans have very little control over their “unique” and “unusual” personalities. If your friend has a tendency to constantly talk about their interest in something, there's no need to criticize the habit. Smile and give your ear to hear her stories about her favorite television shows. Chances are, criticizing him won't make him change the habit.
- Avoid criticizing someone's personality because he or she is doing something that annoys you. For example, you may be upset that your partner always forgets to pay the phone bill. Saying something like "Why are you so forgetful?" actually not productive. It's best if you shut up first. When he's calmed down, have him discuss productive solutions for managing bills, such as asking him to download an app that also acts as a reminder.
Step 2. Think more realistically
People who like to criticize usually have very high expectations of those around them. Chances are you are too. If you find yourself often let down or annoyed by others, it's a good idea to start learning to adjust your expectations.
- Think about the last criticism you made of another person. What made you throw it? Are your expectations for the situation realistic? For example, suppose you criticize your partner for being late in replying to messages because they are with friends. In your opinion, these actions are wrong and make you feel unnoticed.
- Pause and evaluate those expectations. Could it be that your partner is holding his cell phone all the time when he is with his friends? Is it okay for your partner to have a social life outside of your relationship with him or her? You may have ignored or been late in responding to messages when you were very busy. Try to match your expectations. Asking him to reply to your messages right away when he's out with his friends is an unnatural request.
Step 3. Don't take other people's actions personally
Sometimes, people who like to criticize tend to respond to things with emotion. As a result, they often take to heart whatever other people around them are doing. If someone upsets you or makes life difficult for you, you will be motivated to criticize them right away. Remember, everyone has their own difficulties and problems. If someone does something that annoys you, always remember that most of their actions are not directed at you.
- For example, suppose you have a friend who always cancels appointments. You may be moved to criticize him and call him disrespectful of friendship. If viewed logically, these actions are not personal and may be based on various other external reasons.
- Observe the situation from an external perspective. Is your friend very busy? Is your friend's personality really hard to guess? Is your friend a very introverted person? There are many factors that make someone often cancel their appointments. Most likely, these reasons are not directly related to you. Criticizing him will only increase his stress levels.
Step 4. Separate the individual from the action
People who like to criticize tend to always "filter" others. That is, they only choose to focus on the negative aspects of a person and have a hard time seeing the positive aspects. This is what drives them to constantly criticize others. Whenever you start making assumptions about someone else's personality, stop immediately. Try to separate the person's negative behavior from the person as an individual. Everyone has negative behavior. But one mistake or negative behavior doesn't necessarily explain who they really are, does it?
- If you see someone rushing through the queue, do you immediately label them as rude? If so, stop for a moment and think. Maybe the person was in a very hurry. It's also possible that he was thinking about so many things that he didn't realize his actions. Getting busted in the queue sucks. However, try not to judge her personality right away because of that one action.
- If you are willing to separate the actions of a person from that person as an individual, you will naturally lessen the habit of criticizing. Once you realize that a person's personality is not determined by a single action or decision, you will no longer be able to criticize or judge someone as easily as turning the palm of your hand.
Step 5. Focus on the positive
Often, the decision to criticize is a product of how you view a situation. Remember, everyone has flaws. However, most of them definitely have positive qualities that are able to cover up these shortcomings. Try to focus more on the positive qualities of a person.
- Having a positive attitude can change the way you respond to stress, especially since negative emotions can activate the amygdala (the part of the brain that triggers stress or anxiety). Anxiety and restlessness can have a negative impact on your interactions with other people. Practicing building positive attitudes and emotions can help reduce your criticizing habits.
- Rest assured that everyone has natural positive qualities. Even if you doubt it, try to apply that mindset to everyone you meet. Focus on the people who are sowing the seeds of positivity around you. Focus on supermarket cashiers who often say, “Happy holidays!” with a smile and a friendly tone to his customers. Focus on coworkers who always smile at you at work.
- Oftentimes, other people's flaws are rooted in their positive qualities. For example, your spouse often struggles to complete the most basic household chores. Maybe he was just too thorough and took longer to wash the dishes.
Method 2 of 3: Communicating Things More Effectively
Step 1. Instead of criticizing, try to provide feedback
As already mentioned, some people have issues that need to be looked at and managed. Your friend who is constantly late for bills may need someone else's help to remind you. Meanwhile, your co-worker who is constantly late for meetings may need to improve his time management. It should be noted, feedback has a very basic difference with criticism. When discussing a problem, focus on your efforts to help the other person improve. This is much more effective than just criticizing. Especially because people tend to respond better to productive statements. Therefore, offer feedback and motivation, not just criticism.
- Let's return to the example above. Every month, your partner always forgets to pay the phone bill. This habit stresses him out and begins to affect his credit score. You may be prompted to say, "Why can't you pay more attention to your bills?" or “Why can't you ever remember the due date?”. Such responses will not help your partner. He already knew that he should have been more thorough and thorough, but still he had a hard time doing it.
- Instead, provide feedback that begins with a compliment and ends with a solution. Try saying, “I'm amazed that you're trying to be more responsible. How about you buy a calendar that's a bit large? Whenever your bill comes, you can immediately write it down on the calendar.” You can also offer to help by saying, “I can remind you to write it down when your bill comes.”
Step 2. State your wishes clearly
Inefficient communication is prone to criticism; people won't know what you want if you don't make it clear. Make sure you convey everything clearly, straightforwardly, and politely. This will reduce your desire and likelihood for criticism.
- Let's just say your partner always forgets to wash the cutlery after using it. Instead of discussing it in a tantrum (which will usually lead to criticism), raise it and address the issue right away.
- Remain calm and polite when discussing a problem. Don't say, “Your habit of not washing your fork after eating is driving me crazy! Wash it next time!”. Instead, tell him, “Would you mind washing the fork next time after using it? I saw our cutlery piled up in the sink.”
Step 3. Use “I” speech
Every relationship must be colored by difficult times. If someone hurts your feelings or makes you angry, you must share your frustration with that person. Instead of criticizing, express your annoyance by using "I" words. The utterance "I" is used to emphasize your feelings, not emphasize your judgment of others.
- The utterance of "I" is divided into three parts. Start by saying “I feel,” followed by an acknowledgment of how you feel. After that, describe the behavior that made you feel this way. In the end, explain why the behavior made you feel that way.
- For example, you may be upset that your partner spends too much weekends with their friends. If that's the case, don't say, “You hurt me by constantly spending time with your friends and not inviting me. You seem to leave me all the time.”
- Change the sentence above into "I" speech. Say, “I feel left out if you always spend time with your friends and don't invite me. As a result, I feel like you don't spend much of your free time with me."
Step 4. Consider other people's perspectives
Judgment usually goes hand in hand with criticism. If you criticize others too much, chances are that you have closed yourself off from their perspective. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes before criticizing. Learn to see things from the other person's perspective.
- Think about the critique you would like to convey. How do you feel after making the criticism? Even if what you say is true, have you chosen the right words and not sound offensive? For example, if your partner is constantly late, you may be prompted to say, "You really don't appreciate me being late all the time." Chances are, your partner will feel attacked because he has absolutely no intention of harassing or discrediting you. How would you feel if a similar criticism was leveled at you?
- Try to consider various external factors that can influence a person's behavior. Maybe lately your best friend seems rarely socialize with you. He may rarely pick up your calls or not reply to your messages right away. Try to consider, what situations affect his behavior? For example, maybe he's having trouble at work or school; maybe he just broke up with his partner. Such situations can affect his ability or desire to socialize. Understand the external conditions and do not jump to conclusions immediately.
Step 5. Find a solution that will benefit both parties
One of the best ways to avoid criticism is to find a solution to the problem together. Ideally, criticism should be able to transform into an effective solution. Merely criticizing without offering a solution won't do anyone any good.
- Say what you think needs to be changed. For example, if your partner is constantly late, tell him what he needs to do to change the habit. For example, you may want him to always arrive earlier than the promised time. Tell him how you want him to get ready and leave early.
- You also have to be willing to compromise. For example, arriving 30 minutes before the party starts may be a little too much. In the future, try agreeing to arrive 10-15 minutes early.
Method 3 of 3: Stepping Forward
Step 1. Reject your assumptions about other people
It is undeniable, assumptions are something that cannot be separated from everyone's life. Worse, the habit of assuming will make you too fond of criticizing others. From now on, get in the habit of questioning any assumptions that come to your mind; resist your urge to criticize others.
- Maybe you often think of someone who wears make-up or branded clothes as materialistic. Don't rush to conclusions. Maybe they are just feeling insecure about themselves. Dressing up in a specific way will actually help them feel better. It's also possible that some of your friends didn't graduate from college, seemed lazy, or lacked enthusiasm. Don't be too hasty to assume. It could be that he is experiencing family problems that make him weak and difficult to study.
- Remember, everyone has made mistakes. If you see someone make a mistake, think back to a time when you failed. For example, if you judge someone who ran a red light, think back to when you made a similar mistake.
Step 2. Evaluate yourself
Do you have life problems that you often take out on the people around you? If you don't like work, relationships, social life, or other aspects of your life, try to identify and resolve these problems. This dissatisfaction can actually affect your health and reduce your ability to manage stress. This condition can also have a negative impact on your social interactions with the surrounding environment. If you want to learn to be a more positive person, your social interactions with other people will also improve. It will also help you to manage conflict in a healthier and more positive way.
Step 3. Educate yourself
Whether you realize it or not, many people around you have various shortcomings/disability that you cannot see and understand. Before judging or criticizing others, pause and try to consider the possibilities.
- If you have a coworker who doesn't like small talk, you may immediately assume that he's rude. In fact, he may actually have a social anxiety disorder. If a friend of yours can't stop talking about their cat, they may actually be on the autism spectrum. If a student in your math class keeps asking the same questions, he or she may actually have a learning disability.
- Take the time to browse the pages of international websites that discuss a person's hidden flaws. Before making assumptions about a person's character, remind yourself that you can't understand or see everyone's plight.
Step 4. If necessary, try following the therapy process
If you feel that this habit of criticizing stems from your unhappiness, chances are that you need to go to therapy. Psychological disorders such as depression, for example, can trigger you to constantly vent your anger on others. Therapy can help you manage your emotions and minimize the habit of criticizing.
- If you think you need therapy, try asking your doctor for a referral. You can also browse your personal insurance data to find a list of hospitals or clinics that provide counseling sessions for you.
- If you are still in college, chances are your college provides free counseling services that you can join.
