Ending a long distance relationship is not as easy as one might think. Whatever the reason, because you can't afford to be apart from the person you love or feel stuck with someone you don't love, it's easy to put off the breakup because the relationship is already separated, and feelings are getting worse as a result. Distance slows everything down, both the beginning and the end of a relationship. However, once the relationship is over, you will feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted from your heart.
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Part 1 of 4: Deciding to Separate
Step 1. Understand your feelings
Think about why you want to break up with this person, and know all the things that make you unhappy with them.
- Make a list of what is bothering you. Is it distance, or partner? Consider whether you can change that, or is it just a side effect of a long distance relationship?
- If you can't make up your mind, make a list of the positives and negatives, namely reasons for keeping the relationship and reasons for ending it. Consider the weight of each point because one very heavy negative may overwhelm a long list of positives.
Step 2. Make sure you really want to separate
Consider whether this frustration can be resolved by talking to your partner. If you're sure you want to break up, be strong and make a plan.
If you're tired of the distance, but still love your partner, consider discussing your future with them. Long distance relationships usually work if there is something to aim for, such as whether there are plans to close geographic distance in the near future
Step 3. Consider pouring out your feelings to someone
If you want to share your thoughts, but aren't ready to talk to your partner yet, consider asking a close friend, family member, or counselor for advice.
- Share your grievances and explain why you are thinking about breaking up. Ask if your reasons make sense. They may justify your thoughts or help you see the situation from a new perspective.
- If they have ever been in a long distance relationship, their advice would be invaluable. They can give very helpful tips.
Step 4. Start living your own life
Don't live under the shadow of a long distance relationship anymore. Open yourself up to new opportunities and think about what would make you truly happy.
- If you want to separate from your partner, first feel what life is like on your own so you can make a decision. If you're gradually breaking off contact and prefer it that way, maybe a breakup is the right choice.
- Try making new friends. Consider joining a community or attending free events around town. Go alone and don't think about when you will meet or chat with your partner. Do the things you can't do because of the relationship.
- Live life alone and enjoy every moment. These steps may give you room to breathe.
Step 5. Disconnect peacefully
If the relationship is exclusive but you want to date someone new, break up with your partner first before entering the dating world again. Appreciate him.
- If you cheat on your partner and get caught, he or she may be the one to take the initiative to separate. However, this process can be painful at times and the problem will be longer.
- If you're considering breaking up because you're already involved with someone else, sooner or later you'll have to make a choice. The sooner, the less pain everyone involved will feel.
Part 2 of 4: Disconnecting Directly
Step 1. Consider breaking up when you meet
If possible, the relationship should be severed face to face. So, he can solve the question or problem. Appreciate all the time and energy you both put into this relationship.
- Meeting is one of the hardest parts. You may feel obligated to cut him off in person, but you're used to making the most of your scarce time together. A visit is a kind of fantasy, a getaway from everyday life, and it's hard to change that pattern.
- If you are planning to visit your partner in the near future, take advantage of the time of the visit. If there are no plans, consider visiting as soon as possible. You don't need to make excuses, but it might not be wise to let him know that you're coming to break the relationship. Just come without giving a reason.
- If you keep a couple's belongings, say their favorite sweater or book, this is the perfect opportunity to give them back. Take them with you when you go.
- Try to cut ties when you are visiting his city, not when he is visiting you. This way, it will be easier for you to leave.
Step 2. Don't cut ties while on vacation or on long trips
- Problems in relationships that are usually felt on a daily basis may be clouded by the beauty of the holidays, and you will have a hard time finding time to disconnect. After returning to normal life, the frustration will surface again.
- If you break up with your partner on vacation, you'll end up stuck in the same place as an angry or sad ex-spouse for the rest of the vacation.
Step 3. Avoid drama
Try not to disconnect in a public place with a lot of people, such as a restaurant, coffee shop, or bar. That will make the situation even more intense.
- Make sure you can leave easily afterwards. Try not to leave any items in your partner's house because it will be difficult to retrieve them again.
- Consider disconnecting in a neutral, less crowded place, such as a park.
Step 4. Start talking
Get it done asap. Say, "We need to talk. This relationship doesn't suit me, I want to break up."
- State your reasons. Use a nice, gentle tone of voice, but don't imply that you're willing to compromise. Tell the truth from the heart.
- For example: "I can't stand a long distance relationship anymore. I'm tired and suffering. You're a wonderful and wonderful person, I hope you can find someone who can give you what you need, but not me."
- For example: "I don't see the possibility of us living in the same city any time soon, and not being able to devote more time and energy to a relationship that's going nowhere. I have to say it myself. I can't take it anymore."
Step 5. Speak firmly
Don't imply that the breakup is negotiable or just a suggestion. Make sure your decision is solid and state it clearly.
- Explain briefly and concisely. The more verbose and lengthy your explanation is, the more complicated it becomes. Words can sometimes ensnare.
- Try to avoid arguments. Don't accuse your partner or throw the blame. Explain that this breakup happened because you were no longer able to put in the effort to maintain the relationship.
Step 6. Clear all the doubts
Be patient and understand his feelings. Let him talk, and listen.
- Don't rush to leave, stay there as long as he needs to be accepted. Know that he may not accept your decision right away because it depends on how deeply he feels.
- When there's nothing more to say or if you feel like the conversation is going in circles, say that you wish him happiness, and walk away.
Part 3 of 4: Disconnecting Remotely
Step 1. Consider disconnecting him over a phone or video call, if you can't meet him in person
When breaking up, it's important to express your feelings in the most personal way possible for him to accept them properly.
- Don't disconnect via text or instant messages. This form of communication is impersonal, it is better to use a phone or video call. If the relationship lasts long enough, breaking up via text can be very callous and anticlimactic.
- Don't post your breakup on social media like Twitter or Facebook. This act seems passive-aggressive, and he will likely retaliate publicly as well.
Step 2. Say you want to talk
Determine the time and means. That way, he can prepare himself for a serious conversation, and you can also muster up the energy to break up.
- For example, send a message: "Can I call you at 8 tonight? I have something to tell you."
- If you have regular "Skype dates" or phone calls, consider speaking at those times.
- "We need to talk" is the universal code for "Something is wrong in this relationship." If you said those words before breaking up, he may have a hunch. What's more, if the relationship was indeed in trouble, he probably would have guessed it.
Step 3. Call him and start the conversation
Say what needs to be said. Say, "I really don't like talking like this on the phone, but I have to talk. This kind of relationship doesn't suit me, I want to break up."
- State your reasons. Speak nicely and gently, but don't compromise. Express your feelings honestly from the heart.
- For example: "I can't stand a long distance relationship anymore. I'm tired and suffering. You're a wonderful and wonderful person, I hope you can find someone who can give you what you need, but not me."
- For example: "I don't see the possibility of us living in the same city any time soon, and not being able to devote time and energy to a relationship that is going nowhere."
Step 4. Speak firmly
This is especially important when the conversation is not in person. Don't imply that the breakup is negotiable or just a suggestion. Make sure your decision is solid and state it clearly.
- Explain briefly and concisely. The more verbose and lengthy your explanation is, the more complicated it becomes. Words can sometimes ensnare.
- Try to avoid arguments. Don't accuse your partner or throw the blame. Explain that this breakup happened because you were no longer able to put in the effort to maintain the relationship.
Step 5. Clear all the doubts
Be patient and understand his feelings. Let him talk, and listen.
- Don't hang up for as long as it takes him to pick up. Know that he may not accept your decision right away because it depends on how deeply he feels.
- When there's nothing more to say, hang up. All is over.
Step 6. Return the item that is in your possession
Consider sending the item or leaving it to a friend.
- State your plans to return the item, and make sure you return it. That's a good thing and it might calm him down knowing he's going to get his stuff back.
- Get everything done as quickly as possible. Then, you can move on with your life. If you procrastinate, you'll regret not returning it earlier.
Part 4 of 4: Disconnecting
Step 1. Set clear boundaries
Don't talk to your ex often, resist the urge to call or respond. Emphasize that the relationship is over, and don't let him misunderstand what you mean.
- If most interactions are done via technology, such as telephone, text messaging, and the internet, you will have to form new habits with technology. The connection is in the electronic device.
- If you've broken up, but are still chatting every day, your emotions will still be involved. If you can maintain clear boundaries even though there is still contact, go ahead, but be careful not to give the impression that the relationship is still there.
- Make sure he understands. If you broke up with him, he may still have feelings for you. Maybe he's trying to contact you, and you should be able to deal with it with respect.
Step 2. Give your ex the solution he needs
Maybe he needs to talk to you again after the breakup, to share his thoughts or let go of his grievances. Do whatever feels right to you, but consider spending some time talking to him.
- Understand the position, as well as firm. Listen, and try to understand his point of view. Absorb what he has to say, but don't let yourself sway. Remember why you dumped him.
- If he's visiting your city and wants to meet up for a talk, consider it, but be careful. If one-on-one communication feels like reviving an old relationship pattern, he may be misunderstood.
Step 3. Get on with your life
Forget it and go outside. Pay attention to work and friends. Appreciate this new freedom.
- Try meeting new people. You can join communities, attend events, get involved in the community, and make new connections.
- Use the breakup as a catalyst for positive changes in your life. Do what you have always wanted to do. If you take the time to develop yourself, it will be easier for you to move on with your life and less likely to regret your decision.
Step 4. Try to reflect
Let the relationship end even if the process is hard. There are good reasons behind your decision.
- If you think about your ex, remember why you broke up with them.
- Consider keeping a list of reasons for breaking up. If you're starting to consider going back and are sad to reminisce about the past, read the list again to renew your spirits.
