Talking to strangers, dates, and people you meet at parties can be difficult at times. How can you know what to say? Prepare fun and interesting conversation material and listen carefully to the other person so that you (and the other person) are more relaxed.
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Method 1 of 3: Learning How to Have Small Chat
Step 1. Accept small talk
Sometimes people think of small talk as something fake or superficial. However, small talk has an important social function. Small talk allows two relatively strangers to get to know each other without causing stress or discomfort. Allow yourself to have small talk without feeling bad or shallow. Small talk is also an important conversation.
Step 2. Pay attention to your surroundings
Appropriate talking points have to do with the specific event you're attending. For example, you can't talk about politics at an office event, but political talk is appropriate at a political candidate's fundraiser. In general, we recommend that you:
- Consider the common reasons that brought you and the other person to the event (job, common friends, common interests)
- Stay away from controversial topics that have nothing to do with the show.
- Stay relaxed and polite
Step 3. Ask simple but open-ended questions
Open-ended questions are questions that cannot be answered with a "yes" or "no" alone, but require a more in-depth, personal response. Ask the other person some simple and basic things about their life so you can get to know them without crossing the line. As a general rule, any questions asked when creating a profile account on social media are safe questions.
- Where is your hometown? What's it like there?
- Where do you work? What always keeps you busy?
- What do you think about the film (this and that)?
- What type of music do you like? What are your five favorite bands?
- Do you like reading? What three books will you take to a desert island?
Step 4. Include some unique twists in the standard introductory question
There are a number of questions in small talk relating to hobbies, work, and family. Think of some twists you can make to make small talk deeper without breaking personal boundaries. Some of the options include:
- What surprises has life given you so far?
- What is your oldest friend like?
- What job do you think is ideal for you?
- What's one thing you think you'd be good at if you pursued it?
- What's your favorite part of your job?
Step 5. Find out what the other person's interests are
People love to have the opportunity to share interests. If you're having trouble finding things to talk about, let the other person do it by asking about hobbies, interests or plans that really interest them. This will make the other person relaxed. Perhaps he will return the same attention by asking you what interests you.
- Who is your favorite writer/actor/musician/athlete?
- What do you do when you want to have fun?
- Can you sing or play a musical instrument?
- Do you like playing sports or dancing?
- What's your secret talent?
Step 6. Focus on positive topics
Usually people bond more effectively through positive topics than negative, critical, or complaining hats. Try to find a topic that you both enjoy to keep the conversation flowing, don't go for insulting or criticizing topics. For example, don't talk about how much you hate the soup served at dinner parties, instead talk about the dessert you really like.
You should also resist the urge to argue with the other person. You can exchange ideas with mutual respect without leading to negativity
Step 7. Focus on the quality of the conversation, not the quantity of the topic
If you're stuck on the idea of getting a lot of talk, you've probably forgotten that one good topic can keep a conversation going for hours. You only need to move to the next topic if the existing topic is getting stuck. Of course, good conversation tends to flow from topic to topic without deliberate effort. If you are thinking, “Why did we get to this topic?” Safe. Means your chat flows smoothly.
Step 8. Show a friendly attitude
While the subject of conversation is important, being friendly is more significant if you are to start a successful conversation. Your relaxed attitude will calm the person you are talking to, and they will tend to be more receptive to you because of it. Smile, be considerate, and show you care about the other person's situation.
Step 9. Ask follow-up questions
One of the best ways to find something to talk about is to encourage the other person to share their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. If the other person tells details about his or her life or has something to say, show your interest by asking further questions. Make sure you ask relevant questions. Don't direct the conversation to yourself. For example, you could ask the following questions:
- Why do you like those (sports/shows/movies/bands/etc.)
- I love that band too! Which is your favorite album?
- What first attracted you to (his interest)?
- I've never been to Lombok. What do you think tourists should do there?
Step 10. Cool off heated conversations
Even if you try to avoid controversial topics, sometimes it just happens on its own. Whoever brings up a heated topic of discussion, you or the other person, try to cool it down in a polite and careful manner. For example, you could say:
- Maybe we should leave that debate to the politicians and move on to another topic.
- It's a tough topic, but I doubt we can solve it here. Maybe we can talk about it another time?
- This conversation actually reminds me of (a more neutral topic).
Step 11. Give praise
If you can give the other person a sincere, honest, and proper compliment, then do it. It may color the conversation and make the other person feel valued and comfortable. Some compliments that can be given to the interlocutor include:
- I like your earrings. May I know where did you buy it?
- The food you brought to dinner last night was delicious. Where do you get the recipe?
- Football is a tough sport. You must always keep your body in shape!
- You can also compliment the host of the event, especially if you and the other person both know the host.
Step 12. Find the similarities but accept the differences
If you and the other person have the same interests, that's great. However, you can also take advantage of the opportunity to learn about new places, new people, and new ideas that you are not familiar with. Find a balance between finding common ground and showing curiosity in something new to you.
For example, if you and the other person both enjoy playing tennis, you can ask him what kind of racket he prefers. If you like playing tennis and he likes playing chess, you can ask him about the course of a chess tournament and how it is different from a tennis tournament
Step 13. Don't dominate the conversation
Finding suitable topics to talk about is an important part of being a good conversationalist. But knowing when to be quiet is also key. After all, you want the other person to enjoy chatting with you. Try to have a 50-50 split in the conversation so that both parties feel valued and cared for.
Step 14. Pay attention to recent events
You're more likely to have interesting conversations if you have interesting thoughts about the world. Follow news, popular culture and sports. All of these will provide an easy way for you to design conversations that will attract a large number of people. Some interesting topics of discussion related to recent events include:
- Local sports team development
- Important local events (such as concerts, parades, or plays)
- New movies, books, albums and shows
- Significant new stuff
Step 15. Show your sense of humor
If you're gifted with the ability to tell jokes and funny stories, you can use it when you're looking for something to talk about. Don't force your sense of humor on other people, but you can incorporate it into conversations in a polite and friendly way.
Make sure your sense of humor isn't the kind based on insults, harsh sarcasm, or lewd humor. This type of humor can cause discomfort
Step 16. Be yourself
Don't pretend to be an expert on a topic you're not familiar with. Be honest and share your interests with others. Don't force yourself to be something you're not.
- While the ability to chat intelligently, funny, and engagingly will help, don't feel like you have to live up to that high standard. Just present a fun and friendly version of yourself.
- For example, instead of pretending that you are an expert on vacations to Spain, say, “Oh! I've never been to Spain. What did you like the most there?”
Step 17. Don't worry if your thinking is conventional or amateurish
Sometimes people hesitate to contribute to a conversation because they feel the idea isn't unique, surprising, or creative enough. However, you shouldn't be ashamed of having the same thoughts as other people. If your knowledge of Monet hasn't improved much since what you learned in high school, feel free to share whatever you know and learn the rest from others with more experience.
Step 18. Consider previous chats with the current interlocutor
If you've met her on another occasion, ask her specific questions related to the previous chat. Was he preparing for a big project yesterday or a sporting event? Was he talking yesterday about his children or his wife? If you show that you listen well on previous occasions, he will feel appreciated and will likely open up to you.
Step 19. Think about an interesting event from your own life
Recall a strange, interesting, surprising, or funny incident that happened to you recently. Have you encountered a funny incident or a strange coincidence? Mention it to the other person as a way to start a conversation.
Step 20. End the chat politely
If you notice that you or the other person is distracted or bored, end the conversation politely. You can simply say goodbye politely to move elsewhere and start a new conversation. Remember that successful chats don't have to be long, short and friendly chats are also important. Some polite ways to end a chat on time are:
- Nice to meet you! I'll give you a chance to join the others here.
- It was a pleasure to chat about X with you. Hope we meet again next time.
- Looks like I have to say hello (my friend/host/my boss). Nice to meet you!
Method 2 of 3: Finding a Deeper Topic to Discuss
Step 1. Ask deeper questions as your comfort level increases
Starting with small talk is fine, but deeper conversations are more satisfying. Once you and the other person are comfortable with simple questions, start asking more probing questions to see if he or she is open to more content discussions. For example, if you and the other person are discussing each other's work, you can ask deeper questions such as:
- What is the most fulfilling part of your career?
- Have you ever encountered difficulties at work?
- Where do you want to be in the next few years?
- Was this career what you hoped for, or did you take a non-traditional path?
Step 2. Know the benefits of deep conversation
Even introverts are more likely to engage in conversation. In general, small talk makes people happy and full conversation makes people happier.
Step 3. Test deeper topics slowly
Don't jump into a more personal conversation with anyone, enter the topic slowly to see how the other person responds. If he seems happy, you can move on. If he seems uncomfortable, you can change the topic before the damage is done. Some examples of ways to test potentially dangerous topics are:
- I watched the political debate last night. What do you think?
- I am quite actively involved in my church. Are you active in a certain group?
- I have an interest in bilingual education, but I realize it is a controversial topic at times…
Step 4. Open your mind
Convincing the other person to accept your point of view will bring negative emotions to the other person, while showing curiosity and respect generates positive emotions. Don't use the subject of conversation as an opportunity to push ideas, use it as a way to get other people's interest. Listen to her opinion with respect, even if she doesn't agree with you.
Step 5. Test the waves with small details
Sharing small, specific details about your life and experiences is a great way to see if the other person wants to have a conversation with you. If you get a positive response, you can move on with the subject. Otherwise, change the direction of the conversation.
Step 6. Answer general questions with specific stories
If someone asks a general question, answer it with a brief and specific anecdote about your experience. This can help move the conversation forward and inspire the other person to share their personal experiences.
- For example, if the other person asks about your job, you can tell a strange incident that happened to you on your way to work.
- If the other person asks what your hobbies are, you can tell a story about how you entered a competition at an event instead of just mentioning all of your hobbies.
- If the other person asks what movie you watched recently, you can talk about a funny incident that happened to you at the cinema.
Step 7. Be honest about yourself
Studies show that disclosing information about yourself can make you more likable. While you should remember not to over-talk, being honest about your life, thoughts, and opinions will make the other person feel more comfortable sharing details about themselves. Don't be too secretive or keep your secrets tight.
Step 8. Ask deeper questions if the other person seems open
Questions about moral dilemmas, personal experiences, and feelings of insecurity can form bonds especially between people who know each other fairly well. If, after testing the waves, the other person seems open to deeper discussion, consider asking a more personal question. However, make sure you always measure the comfort level of the other person, and move the conversation to a more relaxed topic if things start to get awkward. Some questions that can be asked are:
- What were you like when you were little?
- Who was your most important role model growing up?
- Do you still remember the first day of kindergarten? What does it taste like?
- When do you find it most difficult to hold back laughter?
- What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever seen?
- Let's say you're on a sinking ship with an old man, a dog, and someone who just got out of prison. You can only save one person. Who will you choose?
- Would you rather die an unknown person doing great things or a world famous hero who doesn't really do what he's praised for?
- What's your biggest fear?
- What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever felt?
- What's one thing you wish you could change about yourself?
- How is this life different from what you imagined as a child?
Method 3 of 3: Demonstrating Good Conversational Skills
Step 1. Pay attention to eye contact
People who make eye contact are usually people who want to engage in conversation. Eye contact also helps you determine whether certain topics of conversation will be liked by the other person. If he starts to seem annoyed or looks the other way, you should consider changing the topic, asking the other person, or ending the conversation politely.
Step 2. Embrace the occasional silence
Silence can occur. Please welcome it, especially with people who are closely related to you. Don't feel obligated to fill every gap in the conversation with opinions, questions, and stories. Sometimes pauses are natural and positive.
Step 3. Create intentional pauses in the conversation
Take a break every few times. Pauses allow the other person to change the topic, ask you questions, or end the conversation if necessary. Make sure you don't monologue.
Step 4. Resist the urge to tell yourself too much
If you are new to someone, you should withhold the most personal details until you get to know them better. Stories that are too detailed can make you seem like a gossip, inappropriate, or shocking. Talk about factual but appropriate things until the two of you get to know each other better. Some topics that should not be over-told are:
- Body or sexual function
- Breakup or current relationship problems
- Political or religious opinion
- Gossip and nasty stories
Step 5. Avoid sensitive topics
Topics that people don't like to talk about at work include appearance, relationship status, and socioeconomic status. Political or religious involvement can also be considered taboo, depending on the context. Develop sensitivity to the person you are talking to and try to keep the atmosphere light and relaxed until you are more aware of what interests them.
Step 6. Avoid long stories or monologues
If you want to tell a funny story, make sure it is short or has something to do with the other person's interests. Just because one topic is of interest to you, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be of interest to others. Please describe (briefly) your interests and enthusiasm, then measure the other person's response. Give him a chance to ask follow-up questions (if he's interested in knowing more) or change the topic (if he'd rather discuss something else).
Step 7. Don't feel overwhelmed
It's not your job to keep the conversation flowing, as one person isn't enough to have a conversation. If the other person is not interested, find someone else. Don't punish yourself for one conversation that didn't go well.
Step 8. Demonstrate active listening skills
Make eye contact and listen carefully when it's your turn. Don't seem distracted or bored. Show that you are engaged and interested.
Step 9. Display exposed body language
Conversations will run more smoothly if you smile, nod, and show interest in body language. Don't move too much, cross your arms, stare at your toes, or stare at your phone. Maintain appropriate eye contact and face the other person openly.
Tips
- If you're having trouble finding things to talk about, focus on relaxing. The more relaxed you are, the more active your brain will be looking for new ideas.
- Praise the other person to make him feel more comfortable around you. For example, compliment her taste in music or movies, her clothes, or even her smile.
- Remember, to talk about something, you have to do something. Look for interesting experiences to create interesting stories about your life.
Warning
- People need time to think. You don't have to fill every silence with endless nervous chatter.
- Do not be rude.
- Don't talk about anything too heavy. People will quickly feel uncomfortable if you jump right into a "heavy topic," especially if you're not sure what the other person thinks about the issue. Talking about the weather, the holidays or the news can reveal a thing or two about each of them, without resorting to "my deepest feelings about poverty in the world" or "my hernia surgery." In particular, avoid politics (both local and international) until you both know each other better.
- Don't talk too much about yourself. This will put pressure on you to look good, not to mention the fact that listening to people babbling about themselves will quickly lead to boredom.
