Humans spend about 30-40% of their time talking about themselves. That is a large number. Numerous studies have shown that talking about ourselves is strongly associated with increased activity in the mesolimbic dopamine system, the part of the brain that also feels pleasure through things like food, sex and money. The good news is that knowing how it works and how your brain reacts is already part of trying to break this habit. Once you know what's causing it, you can begin to control how to stop talking about yourself.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Be Aware of Your Behavior
Step 1. Pay attention to your vocabulary
If you use the words I, I, or mine in conversation, you may not be having a "conversation." You're probably just talking about yourself. Concentrate actively on this when you are talking to other people. In the end, the only way to stop a behavior is to become aware of it.
- Exceptions exist for statements such as "I agree", "I see what you mean" or "I suggest you solve it this way". Using statements with the right "I" will show that you are engaged, interested and acknowledge the conversation as a two-way communication.
- A great way to remember this step is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself using words that sound selfish, snap the rubber against your skin. It may be a little painful, but this step is a psychological method that has proven results.
- Start practicing these steps when talking with friends. Ask them to let you know if you missed a step because your friends will be the ones who will support you the most.
Step 2. Notice whose story is being discussed
If someone tells a story about something that happened to them, remember that this is their story, not yours. Remember that he is sharing something important to him.
Step 3. Resist the urge to shift the focus towards you
This transition to this next stage was natural. After learning not to use "I," "I," and "mine" and instead swapping those words for "you" and yours," it's perfectly natural to try to transition into conversation. traps to shift the focus of the conversation to oneself.
- If your friend tells you about his new SUV and how it makes him feel safe, don't start talking about how you prefer a more elegant vehicle and talk about your Mercedes.
- Instead, try to say something like "Wow, that's interesting. By the way, I prefer the safety, style and elegance of a sedan. Do you think an SUV is safer than a sedan?" This sentence shows that you are paying attention to the conversation and are curious about what your friend thinks.
Step 4. Keep the references about yourself brief
Sometimes in a conversation, it's impossible not to talk about yourself. It's a natural thing. However, you shouldn't be talking about yourself 100% of the time and you should be listening 100% of the time. When this happens, try to divert the conversation away from yourself and return the topic of conversation to the person you are chatting with.
- For example, if your friend asks what kind of car you drive, you could say something like: "I'm taking a hybrid car. It's fuel efficient and there are other benefits too, like getting discounts and being eco-friendly. Have you ever wanted to have one too?"
- Responses like this keep your position brief and get back to throwing the question at your friend. That way, you've made the other person a moderator of the conversation.
Step 5. Find constructive ways to get your thoughts and opinions heard
Being a good and active listener is important, but you should also express your own thoughts and opinions. If you're trying to break the habit of talking about yourself, try other activities such as journaling, open mic events and compiling essays or reports that can provide opportunities for you to share your thoughts and opinions. It also encourages you to focus seriously on what you have to say, instead of talking aimlessly.
Method 2 of 3: Changing Your Approach to a Conversation
Step 1. Practice cooperation instead of competition
A conversation should not be a struggle to see who can talk about themselves or who has the most to say. Think of it this way: when you were a kid, you took turns playing with your friends. Conversation is the same as childhood games. If it's your friend's turn, let him talk. You will get your turn because conversation is a two-way communication. However, give your friend a balanced amount of time to talk about himself and give him your full attention.
- Don't give a response that looks like you're trying to convince the other person that your idea, point of view, way of working is the most correct. Instead, try to learn and develop from what the other person is saying.
- Don't manipulate the conversation to convey your own goals and force the other person to agree with you.
- Consider this approach: You are on the same team as the other person and are working together to find answers. Conversation is like a sports game, more fun when you interact with each other instead of fighting each other.
Step 2. Find out what you can learn
There is a saying, "You can't learn anything new while you're talking." You already know your perspective. In order to broaden, change or confirm that point of view, you must let the other person state theirs.
- For example, when discussing dinner, you might say: "I prefer to order tapas as an appetizer because it gives me the opportunity to taste the various dishes the cook has to offer. Which would you prefer?" (Then, let the other person respond). "Well, interesting; what makes you think that?"
- Of course, your response will depend on what the other person says, but you can continue to explore the reasons so that you really understand why he thinks, feels, or believes what he does the way he does.
Step 3. Ask probing questions
You can't talk about yourself if you're asking thought-provoking questions. You need the other person to be the focal point. This step further reinforces the adage "look for what you can learn, not what you can say".
- This step not only keeps your interlocutor as the focal point, but also allows him to dig deeper into his knowledge/feelings/beliefs which in turn will strengthen the connection between you and your interlocutor.
- Focus on the moment, listening when he answers your question. This will always lead to a mindset that allows for further questions to arise, which ends up being a very positive experience for all involved.
Step 4. Show how you see the world through your eyes
This may sound very contradictory to what you are trying to learn, but there is a difference between talking about yourself and your view of the world.
- Try to state your opinion, such as "I think a two-party system like in the United States limits people's choices and narrows the potential for alternative voices and viewpoints in the political system." Then supplement this statement with something for example: "What do you think if this system was introduced in our country?"
- After expressing your unique point of view, use what you've learned from the conversation so far to get the other person to explain his or her point of view. Then explore that point of view with questions that are meant to be able to get more lessons. This is how people talk about ideas at a higher level.
Method 3 of 3: Use Specific Conversation Tools
Step 1. Give rewards
Think of it like a credit card. How happy would the interlocutor be if you gave them money for the advice or opinion he expressed? They will probably feel quite satisfied with themselves. They will be just as happy if you reward them.
- Thank the person for the suggestion or advice. If your friend recommends a restaurant, tell the person you're with "X suggested we eat here. Interesting, right?"
- Always reward a success if needed. If you're successful on a project at work, you can say something like "I have a great team working with me, they made this possible."
Step 2. Give praise to others
It takes selflessness and the ability to acknowledge the strengths of others to make this move. Complimenting the other person will make your interlocutor feel more engaged and happy to talk to you because he knows you will also have nice things to say about him. Some examples of compliments include:
- "Don't you think Gina looks stunning in that dress? Absolutely incredible. And not only beautiful but also very smart!"
- "I think Evelyn's opinion on the issue of global warming is very insightful and full of potential solutions. Why don't we join her? I think you'll be impressed by her."
Step 3. Work on mastering the art of listening
Listening, really listening, is an art. This requires you to let go of yourself and your own thoughts and then focus completely on what the other person is saying. This effort allows you to truly shed yourself. Your desire to talk about yourself will fade and then disappear.
Make a pact with yourself that you won't talk unless the other person gives you a turn. Then make another agreement: you will return the turn to him and listen again
Step 4. Try active listening techniques
This means concentrating fully on what the other person is saying and requiring you to respond to the speaker by quoting or repeating the main point.
- You can also add a few things when you're done rephrasing what the other person said by using different phrases, for example: which means; then then; it requires; You will then; dll, then add your thoughts on what happens next.
- Nonverbal cues such as nodding your head, smiling and other facial/physical expressions will let the other person know that you are paying attention and understanding everything he is saying.
Step 5. Ask questions
Additional questions that give your interlocutor more time to talk about the topic of conversation are also key and come in a number of different types, including:
- Closed question. Questions like these are often "yes and no" questions. This question is answered in one or more ways and the question line will stop there.
- Open question. Questions like these give your interlocutor ample room to build on what he or she has said before and give you a more complete understanding of the topic. These questions often begin with phrases such as "How do you view…" or "What do you think/how do you think about…"
Step 6. Accept what your interlocutor says
This depends on the topic you are talking about. Think of this as a personal or general acceptance.
-
- You (Personal): "Wow, it takes a lot of courage to see yourself openly and admit it that way."
- You (General): "That was one of the most insightful analyzes I've ever heard on this subject."
Tips
- The key to not talking about yourself is empathy. You have to know how other people will react to what you say.
- Count how many times you say "I" in a conversation. You will realize how bad the problem is and can start fixing it.
