Comforting a friend who is upset can be tricky. When you try to offer entertainment, you may feel like you keep saying the wrong thing and making things worse. So, how do you cheer up a friend who is upset, and make them feel better? Just follow these steps.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Being Sympathetic
Step 1. Give your friend some attention
99% chance your friend will love a hug, an arm around her shoulder, or a gentle pat on the hand. Most people like attention, and it makes them feel comfortable and not alone. If your friend is so messed up that they refuse to be touched, that's a special case, but you can almost always start by giving your friend some attention. He may be too distracted to talk right away, and these small gestures can be helpful in making your friend feel less alone.
Feel it. If you touch him, and he moves closer to you instead of away, then you are doing the right thing
Step 2. Just listen
The next thing you can do is offer a listening ear. Make eye contact, nod occasionally, and make comments when needed when your friend is talking, but for the most part, let him express himself and get it all off his chest. This is not the time to give opinions or talk a lot. It's time to let your friend explain everything that's bothering her so you can better understand the situation. Some problems can't be solved, but they wouldn't be so tragic if someone had listened to them.
- If your friend doesn't talk much, you can say, "Would you like to talk?" Then you have to read the situation. Either he wants to talk and needs a little encouragement, or he's just too messed up to be ready to talk, and all you need to do is be there for him.
- You can make a few comments like, "That must be tough." or "I can't imagine what you're going through…" but don't overdo it.
Step 3. Make your friends more comfortable
Maybe he was shivering in the rain. Tell him to come in and give him a blanket. Maybe he's been crying for an hour. Give me a tissue and maybe Advil. Maybe he tells you how messy he is standing up and carrying a heavy backpack. Tell him to sit down. If he's a little angry, give him chamomile tea. If he stays up all night worried, tell him to get into bed. You must have an idea.
- Your friend may be so messed up that she doesn't care about her own health or well-being. That's where you can come in.
- Don't think that your friend will feel any better if you open a bottle of wine or bring six cans of drink. Alcohol is NEVER the solution to a chaotic friend. Remember, this is a depressant.
Step 4. Don't minimize the problem
Your friend may be messed up for various reasons. Serious reason: he just found out that his grandmother was in the hospital. A not so serious reason: he just broke up from a relationship that lasted six weeks. Still, even if you know what it is, objectively your friend will get through it pretty quickly and that's no big deal, this is not the time to put things into perspective, unless you want to be kicked away.
- First, you have to take your friend's problems seriously. If he's been crying over the brief breakup for a very long time, then you can work things out later.
- Avoid making comments like, "This isn't the end of the world.", "You'll get over it." or "It's not really a big deal." Your friend is clearly screwed up, so that's a big deal for her.
Step 5. Don't offer unsolicited advice
This is another thing to avoid at all costs. Unless he turns to you and says, "What do you think I should do?" You shouldn't jump in and tell me five things to do, in your opinion. This will sound condescending, and as you might think the problem can be solved easily. Unless he looks at you with bunny eyes, saying, "I don't know what to do…" give yourself some time before you offer any advice.
You can say something as simple as, "You need to rest." or "Drink chamomile tea and you'll feel better." to give him a little comfort, but don't say things like, "I think you should call him now and sort things out." or "I think you should apply to a bachelor's program immediately." or your friends will be overwhelmed and upset
Step 6. Don't say you "get it"
This is another way that will quickly piss your friend off. Unless you've been through the same thing, you shouldn't say, "I know exactly how you feel…" because your friend will want to scream, "This isn't the same!" People who are upset want to be heard, but are not told that their problems are exactly the same as other people's problems. Fine, if he's screwed up over a serious breakup and you happen to be in it, you can talk about it, but don't compare your three-month relationship to a three-year relationship, or you'll do some damage.
- Saying, "I can't imagine how you feel." better than "I know exactly what you're going through…"
- Of course, knowing that someone else has been in a similar situation and survived through it can be comforting to your friend, but if that's the case, you have to be careful with that.
- Comparing yourself to your friends can be problematic because you may be raving about yourself without even realizing what you're doing.
Step 7. Know when your friend wants to be left alone
Unfortunately, not everyone who is a mess wants attention or an ear that is ready to listen. Some people deal with problems better alone, and some people may want to be left alone after talking about their problems. If this is the case with your friend, don't stay if she doesn't want to; If your friend says he needs some alone time, chances are he really does.
If you think he's in danger of hurting himself, then you should stay or seek help, but if your friend is just a general mess but not totally crushed, it might be time to back off
Step 8. Ask how you can help him
Once you can get him to talk, ask what you can do to make the situation better. There may be a concrete solution and you can help fix it, like if your friend failed a math class and you happen to be good at numbers and can teach them. Sometimes, there's no such thing as a great solution, but you can do things like give him a ride or spend more time with him if he's had a bad breakup, or let him sleep at your place for a while.
- Even if there's really nothing you can do but be there, simply asking what you can do can make her feel less alone and know that someone is always there for her.
- If he feels that you do a lot for him and he doesn't feel good, remind him of when he was there when you needed him. That's what friends mean, right?
Part 2 of 2: Doing More
Step 1. Make your friend laugh if the problem is not too serious
If he's not going through a major loss, then you can cheer him up by making jokes or acting like an idiot. If you try to make him laugh too soon, it may not work well, but if you wait a bit and then start to cheer him up with laughter, it may work. Laughter is the best healer, and if you can make jokes about situations that aren't offensive, or mock yourself to distract him, it can provide temporary relief.
Of course, if your friend is really devastated, humor isn't your best bet
Step 2. Distract your friend
Another thing you can do when your friend is upset is to keep them as busy as possible. While you don't have to drag her to a nightclub or invite her to a big party where everyone dresses up as their favorite superhero, you do need to come over to her house with a movie and a big popcorn or take her for a walk. Keeping him busy can keep the pain away, even if he refuses at first. You shouldn't pressure your friends to hang out a lot, but be aware that your friend needs a little encouragement.
- He might say something like, "I don't want to hang out because I'm just going to get in the way…" and you might say something like, "That's ridiculous! I love hanging out with you no matter what."
- Your friend may be nesting in his cave-like room. Taking him outside for some fresh air, even if it's just a walk to a coffee shop on the side of the road, will benefit him both physically and mentally.
Step 3. Do a favor for your friend
If he's really messed up, chances are he's neglecting his daily duties and work. That's where you can help. If she forgets to eat, bring her lunch or come and cook dinner. If he doesn't wash for two months, bring some detergent. If the house is very messy, offer to come and clean. Get the letters. If she doesn't go to school, take her homework. This little kindness may not seem big when he's really messed up, but it's worth it.
He may say that he doesn't want your help and that what you're doing is enough, but you have to insist that you want to help, at least at first
Step 4. Check your friends
Unless you and your friends have the same schedule, chances are you'll be spending time apart. But if you know that he's really messed up, then you shouldn't go off the radar completely. You should call him, text him, or stop by to see how he's doing from time to time. Even if you don't want to bother him and text, "Are you okay??" every three seconds, you should check at least once or twice a day if you know your friend is going through something really tough.
You don't have to say, "I just called to see how you're doing." You can be smarter, if you like, and come up with reasons to call, like asking if he's seen your brown jacket, and then finally asking him out to lunch. You don't want him to feel like you're nurturing him
Step 5. It's there for him
Often times, this is the most important thing you can do when trying to cheer up your friend. Rarely will you be able to solve a friend's problem or even find the best solution; sometimes, he had to wait or find out himself. But what you can do at any time is be a shoulder to cry on, a comforting voice to listen to in the middle of the night when she really wants to talk, and a source of kindness, common sense, and comfort. Don't feel worthless if you can't do more than be there for him.
- Tell him that, whatever the case, it will get better in time. This is reality, even if it doesn't feel like it at first.
- Try to clear your schedule and spend more time with him. He will be very grateful for the effort you put into making him feel better.
Tips
- Give your friend a hug and say that you love them and are always there for them.
- Offer to help when they are being bullied. If your school is the same and you see them being bullied, take their hand and give them a hug. Protect them. Tell them to go with you. Even if you are the only friend they have, always protect them, because no one will.
- If he doesn't want to talk at first, don't keep calling and bothering him! Leave him alone before you talk to him. He will eventually come to you when they are ready to talk and want to make things better.
- Know the difference between a friend who is screwed and just wants attention. If he's acting all day around you, and then refuses to say what's wrong, then they're just looking for attention. If they're really screwed up, they won't show it clearly, and they'll end up telling someone what the problem is.
- Take him out to eat, or go to the playground! Do whatever it takes to keep him from thinking about what's going on, and distract him!
Warning
- Don't force them to say what's wrong if they seem to be in a bad mood, or if they don't want to say anything!
- If the problem involves you, do the right thing and apologize! No matter what happens, or who says what, or who does what, is it worth destroying a friendship? And if they don't accept it… realize that you've hurt or offended them. Give them space and time to get over it, and they might just come and call you!
- Never talk about yourself. If your friend tells you that she can't stand the bullying at school anymore, don't say, "It wasn't as bad as last year when… (and then continue with the story about yourself)". Offer to help solve their problem. They open up to you, so show concern!
- Say something nice, like "I love you no matter who you are and what you do."
