It's natural to feel angry after being hurt, rejected, treated unfairly, or trying to cope with stress. While there are constructive ways to deal with anger, you may react immediately, either harshly or aggressively. Uncontrolled anger that causes physical and verbal abuse can damage your life, relationships, work, and general health. Fortunately, there are several ways to handle anger without harming the other person. Examine your life, past, and emotional patterns for input and motivation for why you might be so angry.
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Part 1 of 3: Overcoming Anger Immediately
Step 1. Watch for physical signs
Watch for warning signs that you are angry and may be releasing your emotions in an uncontrolled way. Watch for an increased or very fast heart rate. You may also clench your fists, tighten your teeth, or tense your neck and shoulders. Everyone responds to anger in different ways, so pay attention to your own unique signs.
When you notice physical signs of anger, try to calm yourself down and create mental space to respond calmly. This will help you not to react and possibly hurt the other person
Step 2. Stop
Stop yourself as soon as you notice any signs of anger. This is important to help you regain control of your emotional reactions. Pay attention to the angry thoughts that start to pass through your head and the physical signs. Once you notice an increase in your breathing or adrenaline, stop whatever you are doing.
- If you're interacting with someone, try to stay away from them. Say something like, "Excuse me, I need to get away for a bit." If you're having an argument, reassure the other person that you'll be back later, by saying something like, "I'm having a hard time focusing right now. I'd like to take a 15-minute break and continue the discussion when I've calmed down."
- Stop is the first step in the abbreviation STOP. It stands for Stop, Take a breath (inhale), Observe (observe), and Proceed with awareness (continue to stay alert). This anger management technique helps you regain control and be aware of when your emotions are taking over.
Step 3. Inhale and observe
Take a deep breath, inhale into your stomach through your nose, then exhale slowly through your mouth until your heart rate slows down. Take as many breaths as possible to calm yourself down. Pay attention to yourself, your body, and the environment around you. Make sure you are aware of yourself and the world. Observe yourself in the moment and his anger. Find out the reason for the anger.
- For example, you may notice that you clench your fists when you are angry. Open and close the hand several times. Pay attention to your surroundings to calm yourself down.
- Taking time to breathe will help you relax and prevent impulsive actions when you are angry.
Step 4. Proceed with caution
After creating the mental space to express anger, decide what action you will take. You can choose to walk away from a situation and resolve it when you're calmer, or practice breathing and relaxation techniques to help calm yourself down. You can also get rid of yourself and try to handle your anger personally. Most importantly, you can choose not to react by attacking or hurting someone.
Realize your power to control the situation. You are able to control your own thoughts and behavior
Step 5. Express your feelings calmly
Avoid confronting someone when you're angry. Once calm, approach him and explain how you feel. Don't accuse, yell, or demand an apology from him. Speaking calmly and clearly will help keep your communication effective and respectful, so the other person doesn't get defensive (or the conversation will end).
- Try using "I/I" statements instead of "you/you". This way, you won't sound accusatory and avoid hurting the other person.
- For example, if your friend is late to pick you up and you miss the start of a movie, avoid saying something that focuses on him, like "You're late and I'm really mad!" Instead of this, focus on how you feel and communicate clearly without accusing or getting angry: "When we're late for a movie, I get annoyed that I've waited so long. I'm frustrated that it seems we often have trouble while you're driving. Can we talk about it? this matter?" Realize that statements like this focus on your own feelings and responses, and use more subtle language such as "seems" to avoid a judgmental tone.
Part 2 of 3: Managing Anger
Step 1. Perform breathing exercises
Take 10 minutes each day to focus on your breath. Sit in a quiet place, place your hands on your stomach and take a deep breath. Breathe and be aware of your body's response. Pay attention to the locations of the tense body and imagine your breath being directed to those areas. Pay attention to what you hear and feel in each part of the body. Practicing this breathing exercise every day can help you to reduce pressure and regulate oxygen levels in your body and brain. With regular practice, this exercise can serve as an anger stop.
- Making time for breathing exercises each day helps improve your body's reaction to stress so you don't "get out of control" as soon as you encounter negative stimuli. It also improves self-regulation as well as the body's emotional and response levels.
- You can turn on the timer on your phone or watch so you don't get distracted while doing breathing exercises.
Step 2. Overcome the stressors
Sometimes anger is a reaction to feelings of helplessness or loss of control. Start writing a diary containing real-life stressors that you are currently dealing with, such as relationship issues, frustration at work, financial stress, pressure from parents, concerns about the world and politics, health problems, or anything that makes you feel worried, anxious, and unable to control yourself. Write down ways to make changes in your life so that you can regain control in a positive way.
- Writing things down provides a way to examine and process them. If your feelings involve someone else, writing will allow you to explore your inner feelings personally first, without having to tell the other person what comes to mind first. This will help you to avoid hurting others while trying to deal with anger.
- Remember that you can control how you react to events. When stress-causing factors get out of control, you can still determine how to react to them even if you can't change the situation.
Step 3. Spend some time in nature
Green surroundings such as parks, lake areas, or gardens can have a calming effect. Try to visit as many green spaces as possible, even if it's only for ten minutes. Let yourself get lost in the beauty of the outdoors. As you go for a walk, imagine that anger and other stressors are escaping your feet and flowing out of your body.
The world is big. Sometimes a change of perspective on the little things that make you angry can be very useful
Step 4. Change negative thoughts
When you notice that you are thinking something negative, write it down in a diary. Develop this list any time you feel angry at someone else or yourself. Then, reframe or reframe those thoughts into not-so-bad statements. With practice and over time, you will be able to view life, others, and yourself in a more gentle way.
- For example, you spill coffee on yourself before leaving for work. An angry reaction might be: "I'm a total idiot. I always mess things up. Nothing works. I hate everything!" Instead of thinking this way, change your statement to: "I'm just someone who can make mistakes."
- Remember to do this for other people too. For example, if the waitress was late for dinner, your angry reaction might be: "He's a total idiot. He can't do anything right, even just to prepare my food." Take some time to remember that he's human too and offer sympathy: "He's probably having a hard time and trying to do his best. I can be patient with him."
Step 5. Reconsider rejection
Anger is a defense mechanism to help you feel protected when you are actually experiencing feelings of insecurity or fear. Fear of being rejected by others can trigger feelings of hurt and anger. Learning ways to repackage situations will help ease these feelings, so you don't get angry and hurt the other person. Focus on the feelings evoked by incidents and think of other methods of interpreting them.
- For example, if you've just been rejected by someone you like, your response might be: "Of course. He rejected me. I'm an idiot. I'm a loser. I hate myself!" Words like these are self-limiting and unfair to you. In addition, generalizing oneself (or others) based on certain experiences is a common cognitive disorder, or "mind trap."
- If you allow hurt feelings to build up, they may turn into anger, especially if you believe that the treatment you have been given is unfair. For example, you might start thinking, "How can he reject me when he doesn't even know me? That's not fair! He's really mean."
- Instead of responding this way, admit that you feel sad about the rejection, but don't let the facts dictate the way you define yourself. Appreciate yourself: "Rejection really hurts. I'm disappointed, but at least I've acted brave and tried to face the person I like. I don't know why he rejected me, but this incident won't define me. I can try again with other people. other".
Step 6. Have fun
Make sure you take time to laugh, relax, and have fun. Watch a movie at the cinema, meet a friend who always makes you smile, enjoy your favorite food, watch a comedy or TV show that makes you laugh, or hang out and spend the night with a friend/partner. Try to make time to have fun and enjoy the little things.
Step 7. Humor can give you additional perspective, especially when you realize you've done something wrong
Just make sure you don't rely on it so much that it overlooks the deeper issues that cause anger.
Step 8. Sorry
If you are angry because you feel someone has done something wrong or hurt you, choose to let go of the anger and resentment you feel. This doesn't mean you can suddenly accept anything that's hurting you, but rather that you won't hold a grudge or take it out on other people. By forgiving, you will not only let go of your anger without hurting someone, but you will also be able to control the situation by choosing not to be a victim.
- One of the reasons why forgiveness can be difficult is that we often focus on "justice." Realize that you don't forgive in order to benefit someone else – you do it so you don't have to carry on with anger throughout your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean you understand the reason for an action or think it's right.
- You may also worry about forgiving someone if you believe they will hurt you again. Expressing concern with the person you want to forgive can help you feel better about offering the apology.
Part 3 of 3: Preventing and Overcoming Anger
Step 1. Find the trigger
For most people, anger can be triggered by certain thoughts, situations, or incidents. Keeping a diary can help you identify situations and experiences that trigger your anger, so you can work on how to deal with them. In general, anger triggers can be divided into two broad categories: feelings of being in danger or feelings of being harmed/injured by the other party.
- An example of a common trigger thought is when a person doesn't do something "as it should" (or does something it "shouldn't do"). For example, if your lane is cut on the highway, you may feel angry because the other driver violated the traffic rules.
- Another common example is when someone hurts, harms, or makes you feel uncomfortable in some way. For example, a computer that suddenly loses its internet connection or someone bumps into you. Although these two events are not really big things, you can get angry if you feel they are bothering/harming you.
- When experiencing angry thoughts, write down those thoughts and the emotions you are feeling. Also write down what happened right before and how you responded. This will help you to learn about what triggers feelings of anger.
Step 2. Let go of the factors that cause anger
If you feel that you have been hurt or harmed, don't dwell on the event or argument that triggered it. Don't dwell on what made you angry by being unforgiving and keep seeing things from the victim's point of view. Accept the anger, then repackage the anger or forget it happened. In this way, you are training yourself to choose ways of adapting to things that cause frustration. You may need a little time to get used to it.
For example, imagine an ex-spouse in the past who hurt you. This fact still makes you angry today. Write about how big the anger is, take a deep breath, then repackage the incident. Repackaging/reframing can be very simple, for example by accepting that your relationship with him is over, you feel hurt, you will heal, and you will move on with your life
Step 3. Increase self-esteem
Low self-esteem can lead to feelings of anger, so change the way you view yourself. Consider how angry you are with yourself. Instead of torturing yourself with constant negative thoughts, start acknowledging your positive qualities. Remember, all humans make mistakes. Forgive yourself for the mistakes and note the things you need to improve.
You can write in a diary, do breathing exercises, and repackage your mindset to start seeing yourself in a more positive light
Step 4. Know when to get help
If you've tried to deal with anger and aggression without success, seek outside help. Consider seeing a mental health therapist who specializes in anger management therapy. Or, find a support group. It may help you to realize that you are not alone. There are others who also have trouble dealing with anger and aggression. Seek help if:
- You feel you can't control yourself
- Your anger causes significant problems in life
- You have hurt someone
- Your anger scares yourself or others
- Your anger interferes with work or personal relationships
- Friends or family are concerned about your destructive tendencies
- You take out your anger (both physically and verbally) on your child, spouse, or friends
Step 5. Try behavioral treatment to deal with anger
Talk to a therapist about trying therapeutic treatments that can address the cause of your anger. He or she may help you with one of the therapies below:
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy: This therapy combines behavior change, meditation, and mindfulness to help regulate emotions, be rooted in the present, and control your behavior.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: This therapy will help determine the core issues that may be causing the problem of anger and aggression. Being aware of these issues will help you to change your behavior and thought patterns.
- Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction: This therapy uses meditation, relaxation, and physical techniques to help lower stress levels. This way, you will be calmer and less easily provoked emotionally.
- Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy: This therapy challenges irrational thoughts and beliefs by comparing them to real events, which can make you aware of the harmful consequences of these ideas. This awareness is then expected to help you change your behavior, thoughts, and reactions to healthier beliefs.
Step 6. Rethink your relationship
If you are often angry with someone, such as your partner, this may be a sign that you need to change the relationship in some way. You may need more space and time for yourself, or want to set boundaries. Or perhaps you need to be clearer in your communication about your needs and desires.
Explain to the other parties involved the change you want and why. For example, you might say, "I've been getting angry a lot lately because I feel like I don't have time for myself. Maybe I need some private time every Friday afternoon to cool off and enjoy the time we spend together on weekends more."
Tips
- If you feel like crying, cry.
- Don't directly confront the person who made you angry. This can amplify your anger and lead you to do things that you will regret later.
- Buy a stress ball – or a small, strong ball. You can squeeze this ball when angry to release energy.
- Always carry a notebook or diary with you. Express your feelings and get angry, no matter how sad the words you write. Write down why you are angry, solutions for dealing with it, and how you feel!
