"Anyway, you have to go home by 9 pm at the latest!" Have you ever heard those words come out of your parents' lips? As a teenager who likes to socialize, it is natural for you to view the ban as an "effort to control", not "a form of parental concern". Generally, there are two reasons that make a child feel his life is too constrained by his parents. First, it is possible that the child will mature earlier than the parents think; and therefore he forms his own personal boundaries. Second, it is possible that his parents were trying to control his life; possibly because they are perfectionists or are too afraid their children will repeat the mistakes they have made in the past. Unfortunately, they don't realize that often this kind of attitude is not protecting, but actually hurting their children even more.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Empower Yourself
Step 1. Identify controlling or controlling behavior
Some parents are demanding, but not necessarily they are trying to control their children. Someone who really aims to control the lives of others usually uses certain tactics explicitly or implicitly. Controlling behavior also takes various forms, starting from a fondness for criticizing to making threats. Some of the characteristics of parents with controlling behavior include:
- alienate you from your friends and/or relatives; for example, they rarely or never allow you to spend time with your friends or relatives.
- Constantly criticizing less important things like your appearance, attitude, or life choices.
- Threatening to hurt you or hurt themselves by saying, “I'm going to kill myself if you don't go home now!”.
- Giving conditional love and acceptance is like saying, “I only love you when you clean the room.”
- Bringing up your past mistakes just to make you feel guilty or make you willing to do what they want.
- Using your guilt to fulfill their wishes is like saying, "I spent 18 hours bringing you into this world and you don't even want to spend a few hours with Mom?"
- Spying on you or unwilling to respect your privacy; for example, they are always inspecting the contents of your room or reading the contents of your cell phone without your knowledge.
Step 2. Account for your response
Your parents can control you; however the response you give is entirely your responsibility. You can assert your wishes or let them dictate theirs. You can also respond to their words politely or with anger.
Speak with your reflection in the mirror. Play out several possible scenarios and practice how you respond to each one. This way, it will be easier for you to control yourself when the time comes
Step 3. Don't obsess over pleasing your parents
A parent's job is to make sure you grow up to be a happy, healthy, and positive child. Your job is to be a happy, healthy, and positive child. If what makes you happy is not what your parents wanted, don't turn your back on your happiness. Remember, this is your life, not theirs.
Step 4. Create an objective plan
Breaking away from parental control is not as easy as turning the palm of the hand. At the very least, you need a clear and realistic plan to make it happen. Start your plan by building your confidence; every day, tell yourself that you are in control. Ideally, increased self-confidence will increase your ability to make decisions for yourself.
Step 5. Accept the fact that you can't change your parents' attitude
Just as your parents can't control your feelings and thoughts, you won't be able to change their feelings and thoughts. You can only control how you respond to them; often, it's your response that will change the way they treat you. The only person who can change their personality is themselves.
If you are determined to force your parents to change, then what is the difference between you and them? Keep this question in mind; surely you will more easily accept the fact that their decision is only in their hands
Method 2 of 4: Fixing the Situation
Step 1. Physically distance yourself from your parents
Often, people use emotions to control others, for example by getting angry, making the person feel guilty, or not giving the person the permission they ask for. If you want to break free from your parent's control, one method you can do is to physically distance yourself from them; spend less time with them and not have to call them too often.
If you're still living in their house (especially if you're not an adult), you may have a hard time keeping your distance. But don't worry, you can still set reasonable personal boundaries; To do this, try asking a teacher or counselor at your school for help
Step 2. Try not to get defensive
Reducing the time you spend with your parents may make them angry. If your parents object to your behavior (or accuse you of not loving them), try not to respond defensively.
- Try saying, “I understand why Mom and Dad are angry. I'm sorry.".
- Remember, the situation could have worsened even before any visible improvement. However, try your best to keep your distance and not give in to threats. For example, if your mother threatens to kill herself if you don't come home, say that you will call the police and then hang up. Don't get used to granting his wishes easily.
Step 3. Cut financial ties with your parents
Money is a powerful controlling object. Therefore, if you already have your own income, immediately separate your financial affairs from your parents. Doing so is not easy, especially since it means you have to be able to finance your own life. But if you want to do it, surely their control as parents will loosen; In addition, you can also learn to be more responsible for yourself.
For those of you who are still in school, the process will definitely be more difficult and long, but not impossible to do. Process gradually; if you can't afford to buy your own house, at least try to pay for your own secondary needs. At the very least, being able to pay for your own cinema tickets has eliminated one barrier that your parents created, namely money. Even though you don't necessarily get permission to go to the cinema, at least you've tried to show your independence
Step 4. As much as possible, don't ask your parents for help
By asking for help, you have given them a bargaining position; meaning, they will grant your request as long as you are willing to do something for them too. This kind of negotiation isn't always a bad thing, but your chances of defending your decision will definitely decrease. Don't hesitate to ask for help from your closest friends or relatives if you need help from a third party.
Step 5. Identify the characteristics of violence
If you think you are experiencing domestic violence, immediately file a report with the police or local emergency services; You can also report it to the school authorities such as school counselors. Remember, violence can take many forms. If you don't understand what form of violence you are experiencing, make sure you ask your school counselor. Some of the common forms of violence:
- Physical abuse includes slapping, punching, restraining with tools (such as ropes or handcuffs), setting fire, or doing other acts that could physically injure you.
- Emotional abuse includes mocking, public shaming, blaming, and making unreasonable demands.
- Sexual violence includes caressing, touching private parts of the body, having sex, and engaging in other sexual activities.
Method 3 of 4: Repairing Relationships
Step 1. Forgive things that happened in the past
Holding a past grudge against your parents or yourself is not wise. Try to forgive all the mistakes your parents have made in the past; Also sorry for the way you responded to these mistakes.
- Remember, the forgiveness you give is not only beneficial for the person you forgive, but also for your emotional health. Forgiveness doesn't mean you justify their hurtful words or actions in the past; Forgiveness means that you have allowed yourself to let go of the anger and disappointment that has been haunting your life for so long.
- To forgive someone, you need to first allow yourself to let go of your anger in a positive way. One powerful way to let go of anger is to write a letter to your parents but not actually delivered. In the letter, explain your feelings honestly, tell them what made you angry, and share your opinion on the reasons behind their behavior. After that, end your letter by writing a sentence that means "I don't justify the situation that has happened, but I choose to forget my anger". Apart from writing it down, you can also say it out loud.
Step 2. Deal with your parents politely
First of all, you need to first convey how you feel and why you are distancing yourself from them. Remember, they will not be able to solve problems they are not even aware of. Don't accuse or use offensive words! Tell them how you feel, not what they do.
Instead of saying, "Mom and dad have taken my rights!", try using more constructive sentences such as "I feel as if I no longer have personal rights in front of you."
Step 3. Set clear boundaries for you and your parents
Try as much as possible so that the relationship that has improved does not fall back into the same hole. Think ahead of time about the things your parents can – and shouldn't – do. After that, set boundaries about what you can – and cannot – do and/or ask them to do.
- For example, you may decide to consult your parents for career and education options. But on the other hand, you want them not to interfere in your personal affairs, such as about the woman who will become your life partner in the future.
- You can also refuse to respond to specific things your parents bring up (for example, if they start discussing your love life). However, you are willing to provide as much support as possible if they have serious health problems such as cancer or heart disease.
Method 4 of 4: Keeping Boundaries
Step 1. Respect the agreed boundaries
Remember, you can't ask them to respect boundaries if you don't want to do it yourself. If there are boundaries that are not to your liking (or difficult for you to adhere to), discuss them openly with your parents to find the best solution.
If problems arise between you and your parents, try to imagine yourself as a harmonious team. For example, try saying, “I've tried to respect Mom and Dad's boundaries, but I don't feel like Mom and Dad are doing the same to me. What can be done so that our needs can both be met without anyone being sacrificed?”
Step 2. Tell them all the “violations” they have committed
If your parents violate the boundaries you have set (by or by accident), let them know. But remember, you still have to respect and respect them as elders; convey all your complaints calmly and ask them to stop doing it. If they value you, giving them the distance you need isn't a hard thing to do.
Communicating complaints with jokes can also be an effective way to deal with your parents' attitude. For example, if your parents are constantly criticizing your career choice, try responding with a joke like “Go on, go for it. My career did not please the Old Lady. There are more?"
Step 3. Keep your distance if the problem persists too much
If the situation doesn't improve, you may return to keeping your distance from your parents. This doesn't mean you have to cut off all forms of communication with them; most importantly, show them that you (and they) need to learn to respect the boundaries that have been agreed upon by both parties. Spend some time apart for a while, and come back whenever you and they are ready.
Step 4. Consider pursuing therapy if the situation does not improve
In some cases, sometimes asking for help from a professional counselor or psychologist is the best way, especially if all the discussions you have with your parents don't work out. If the boundaries you make are not respected by your parents, try getting your parents to join the family therapy process.
Tell them, “Our relationship is very important to me. That's why I feel we need help from a third party to fix it. Would you like Mom and Dad to take the therapy process with me?”
Tips
- Tell your problem to a close friend or relative; chances are they can help you find the best solution.
- Before really keeping your distance from your parents, try first to discuss everything as a family. Maybe you don't have to go that extreme to reach a solution that benefits both parties.
Warning
- If you experience violence and need immediate help, contact the police or local emergency services immediately.
- Don't assume any advice as "their attempt to control or control you". Generally, every parent wants the best for their children. In addition, admit that they do have more life experience than you.
