Many people feel their parents are overprotective. If your parents are constantly checking in on you and asking about your personal life incessantly, you should take steps to communicate your needs productively. Try to communicate your feelings of frustration, set clear boundaries, and take steps to reduce your parents' anxiety.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Communicating Frustrated Feelings
Step 1. Choose a safe time and place
The first step to dealing with an overprotective parent is to have an open conversation about your concerns. To make the conversation run smoothly, choose a safe time and place to talk.
- Choose a location where you and your parents are comfortable. If you live together at home, the living room or kitchen can be used. If you no longer live together, choose a neutral location such as a quiet coffee shop where no one else has the advantage of being the host.
- Avoid any distractions. Turn off the TV. Get rid of the cell phone. Don't choose a noisy location, such as a bar or restaurant. For a conversation to be effective, distractions must be minimized.
- Choose a time that doesn't have external distractions. For example, don't pick a time right before your parents go to work or go to bed. Choose times when there is plenty of time to talk so that all parties involved can get their point across. The afternoon or after dinner can be a good time.
Step 2. Use "I" statements
It's important not to blame your parents for having a difficult conversation. Try using "I" statements. Thus, start your sentence with the words "I feel" first. This way, you focus on your feelings and emotions instead of giving an objective assessment of the situation.
- When communicating how you feel about the situation, make it clear that you are talking about your views and don't emphasize an objective assessment of the situation. For example, don't say, "It really feels like a burden if mom and dad check on me every five minutes when I'm with my friends." This will make your parents feel like you are ignoring their position and making assumptions about their actions.
- Instead, say something like, "I get stressed when you guys call and text when I'm out. It seems like mom and dad don't believe me when I do things like that."
Step 3. Communicate your needs and wants
Remember, you can't expect your parents to read your mind. When the conversation gets tough, it's an important step to express your wants and needs as clearly as possible.
- Ideally, what outcome do you want from this conversation? For example, would you like your parents not to call you too often when you are out? Do you just want a few questions about your academic achievements or career plans? How can your parents receive it effectively? Think about what you want before starting the conversation. Have concrete goals and needs to share with your parents.
- State your goals in a way that is firm but non-judgmental and respectful. For example, say something like, "I'd love it if mom and dad made room when I'm out with my friends. I don't mind following the curfew, but I would appreciate not having to text back and answer the phone every half hour."
- Express your appreciation for your parents. The good thing about overprotective parents is that they just want to love and protect you, and they can learn to express concern in a more productive way. Let your parents know that you appreciate that they love you and want the best for you.
Step 4. Don't underestimate your parents' point of view
While it can be very upsetting to deal with overprotective parents, you shouldn't underestimate their point of view. If you're trying to have an honest and effective conversation, consider their point of view.
- Feelings, especially feelings triggered by anxiety, are subjective. While you may think that your parents don't have to worry about a minor cold that could turn into pneumonia, let them express their feelings without judgment. Admit that you understand they are worried about you as their child.
- The key to understanding parents is identifying why they feel the way they do. Try to understand the issues that trigger their overprotective nature. For example, if they are worried about your health, have either of your parents ever lost a family member or friend to an unexpected illness? Parents may have very good reasons for their fear based on their own experience. While it's important not to let your parents' fears dictate your life, understanding the source of your fear can help you in the future.
- For example, in the film Finding Nemo, Marlin's father loses his entire family, his beloved wife and all of his children---except for a tiny egg. As a result, Marlin is overprotective of his only child, Nemo. Marlin's traumatic past creates a fear of something bad happening to Nemo, so being overprotective makes perfect sense, even though it's ultimately not good for his child's development.
Method 2 of 3: Creating Healthy Boundaries
Step 1. Clearly define the right time to ask for help
Boundaries are important in parent-child relationships. To be an independent adult, you need space to make your own decisions and sometimes make mistakes. Try to make clear boundaries with your parents about when to ask for help.
- Most teenagers, usually in junior high school, want independence from their parents. Overprotective parents may have a hard time giving you more freedom, because worrying about you is one of their main ways of expressing concern for you. Overprotection is often an unconscious form of control. You need to make it clear to your parents that you want clearer boundaries.
- Let your parents know what is right or wrong. For example, you can tell them that it's okay to worry about your physical health, but reminding you every day about worrying about the latest health issues isn't helping your emotional health. You can tell them that it's okay to want you to schedule a call once a week, but talking on the phone every day is a bit too much.
Step 2. Limit contacts whenever possible
If you don't live together, sometimes limiting contact can help. While it's great to have a relationship with your parents, if they tend to be overprotective, you may need to control your parents a bit to ease their anxiety.
- If you don't live at home, you don't need to tell your parents everything. It's probably best not to mention the person you just became friends with or the party you're going to on Saturday night. If the conversation tends to result in unsolicited advice and barrage of questions, diplomatically omit certain details about your daily life.
- At first, your parents may be against the contact-restriction agreement, but find a way to get out of the conversation gently. For example, if your parents start pressing on with more detailed questions about your weekend activities, break it down briefly and then say something like, "I can't talk much longer. I have to do the laundry today."
Step 3. Don't get carried away with negativity
Oftentimes, overprotective parents react negatively to children setting boundaries. Your parents may be against your desire to be independent. If they react negatively, try to avoid emotional situations.
- If your parents are prone to emotional situations, try to be firm when they get angry with you. If they're trying to pressure you into getting back into the situation by continuing to talk about their concerns, end with something like, "I'm sure mom and dad aren't too worried about timing." Then change the subject.
- Find a friend to talk to about your frustrations. Expressing your feelings can actually help you avoid unnecessary emotional situations. Expressing your feelings of frustration to a third party who is not emotionally involved in the situation allows you to dispel negative thoughts so you don't take them out on your parents.
Step 4. Be patient
Your parents are unlikely to change overnight, especially if they are overprotective by nature. Understand that there is a period of adjustment when setting new boundaries and rules for dealing with contacts. Try not to get too angry about mistakes and misunderstandings. It may take a few months for your parents to understand your need to have space and adjust to your new independence.
Step 5. Learn proper boundaries
If you want to set boundaries with your parents, you need to learn age-appropriate boundaries. If you are in junior high school, the acceptable limits will be much different if you are in high school or college.
- Remember, your parents want to set boundaries to protect you and help you grow. Often times, out-of-control children or teens secretly want more boundaries in order to feel safe at home. Try to understand that your parents are acting in your best interest when it comes to rules.
- If you're a preteen, it makes sense for your parents to constantly want to know where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. You must be willing to provide this information publicly. However, as a preteen, you may have an increased need for privacy. It's okay to ask your parents for this, for example for them to stay away from your room and not check the things that are there.
- If you are a teenager, your parents will expect you to be more independent. You are at the stage of becoming an adult and preparing to leave the house. It's natural that you need a curfew later and certain freedoms, such as being able to drive a car alone. It makes a lot of sense to make this request to your parents. However, keep in mind that arguing and fighting will only add to the stress on you and your parents. Be respectful when asking for extra freedom. If you feel the conversation getting heated, step out of the situation and take a deep breath. Once you've calmed down, you can say this again, but this time calmly ask them why. Strive to compromise and seek a good outcome for all parties.
- If you start college, your parents may find it hard to let you go. It is scary to see a child enter the world as a young adult. It's okay to ask your parents not to call every day or ask very personal things, like questions about your love life or social life. However, communicating weekly with your parents can help reduce their worries because they know you're doing well.
Method 3 of 3: Reducing Parental Anxiety
Step 1. Consider the role of anxiety in overprotective parents
Do you think your parents are generally anxious people? Do they tend to worry about the little things in everyday life other than you? Many overprotective parents have had previous problems with anxiety that may have made them extra wary of their children. Try to understand that in their hearts, your parents really care about you. Accepting that anxiety, related to the possibility that your parents have little control, is a major factor in how they behave towards you.
Step 2. Show your parents that you are capable of making good choices
If you want your parents to worry less, show that you are responsible. Making small changes to your daily routine can help your parents know they have nothing to worry about.
- If you still live at home, approach your parents as soon as possible if you ask permission to go somewhere. Be honest about who will be with you and how long you will be away. Your parents will appreciate your maturity.
- Realize that adults often follow many of the same rules that apply to you. For example, simply disappearing and letting the people who care about you don't know where you are can be a cause for concern, even as an adult. Adults tell each other about their whereabouts if they have a healthy, loving relationship. If you want to be treated as an adult, show your parents that you are trustworthy and caring.
- Do your homework without being asked. Make an effort to eat a healthy diet. Perform daily household tasks. Show your parents that you are being mature. This will help reduce anxiety about the decisions you make.
- If you don't live at home, try to replace your parent's role by making achievements and some signs that you can take care of yourself. Did you eat healthy this week? Have you cleaned the apartment? Are you doing well this semester? Try mentioning this when you call your parents who are at home every week.
Step 3. Be open to suggestions
Remember, sometimes parents know best. They are older than you and have more life experience. If you're confused about something, it's okay to ask your parents for advice and be open about what they have to say. If your parents see you as mature enough to get advice when needed, they probably won't be too worried about your decision.
