Your brother-in-law sucks? Before taking certain steps to deal with him, try to look for the following signs to convince yourself that he doesn't really have any feelings for you; whether he sends text messages full of scandals, calls you to talk about the latest gossip, and is always curious about your business. Worst of all, he always tries to be the center of attention at family events. If your life has become more complicated because of your husband's sister and you want to free yourself from his annoyance, learn some of the following ways to deal with his annoyance. Also pay attention to how you respond to it because it will affect your success.
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Method 1 of 5: Taming the Drama Queen
Step 1. Note that you may be dealing with a drama queen
Relationships between brothers-in-law are often very complicated, even at the best of times, and will be even more complicated if throughout his life the whole family has almost always complied with his wishes. The drama queen loves drama and uses it to draw everyone's attention to her.
- At your next family event, try to sit back and be a spectator. Pay attention to how your in-laws interact with their relatives, and how they react to them. If you see them just sitting there holding back annoyance, it means he's used to getting what he wants.
- Watch what happens when he starts talking about a dramatic topic. Do other family members immediately agree that the cost of child care, utility bills, shampoo prices, dog grooming, car maintenance, and so on is “too expensive”? Do they support the complaint so that it provokes more complaints? This shows that they allowed him to see the world through bleak glasses and unfortunately this omission has gone on too long. You can't change it, but you can set a good example by not complaining.
- Watch what happens when you don't agree with his opinion. Is he sulking, grumpy, or trying to pressure you? While it's important for you to stand up for your opinion, especially when it comes to something you believe in, if he responds childishly, you must learn to handle the situation with care. Try to express your disagreement carefully so as not to offend him. It can be difficult to do that because the line is so thin, but you have to understand his subconscious needs (to be cared for, to be pampered, to be helped, etc.) without needing to follow his point of view.
Step 2. Don't get caught up in the drama he creates
Brothers-in-law may vent their anger, verbal abuse, and verbal abuse as they please, but you don't have to be negative too. Don't take his words seriously. If his behavior and actions are getting more and more irrational, it means he's increasingly desperate to provoke you so he can get everyone's attention back. Give him a chance to be the center of attention in his own home, but don't waste time listening to his complaints. If the situation worsens, just say that you'll be back once he's calmed down, then leave him alone. If the drama is happening in your house, ask him to leave. You can make up a story that you have to meet someone or that you need to go to bed early as a more polite excuse.
Method 2 of 5: Dealing With Your Anger
Step 1. Control yourself first
It can be difficult to do this when the other person is trying to provoke you, but this step is important because your response will determine whether or not he feels he can continue the same behavior towards you. Take note of the following:
- If you keep quiet, chances are he'll think you're stupid, fear him or hold a grudge. Go ahead and pick one, but he'll probably be happy to think that you're feeling all three at once. He may also use your silence to push his point of view regardless of your opinion. If you try to smile and hold on, he may treat you like a doormat.
- If you start arguing, he may think his brother/sister has married someone who is hot-tempered, vengeful, bitter, etc. and hates him at the same time, so he's determined to separate you and your partner. You may feel like you're defending yourself, but in his eyes he thinks you're belittling him, even humiliating him. Don't think that you shouldn't have a different opinion, you just need to express your disagreement very carefully.
Step 2. Set limits
State the facts about the opinion he wants to force in a firm but polite manner and don't involve your emotions in the dialogue. If you just talk it out, stick to the facts and don't create an argument about it, he doesn't stand much chance of putting pressure on you. Keep in mind that he may continue to resent you for being assertive, confident and effective, but don't let that stop you from asserting your position. In the end, he must learn to respect other people who don't like to argue, can control himself and not only stay silent, but also dare to explain the limits that are allowed. Even if he doesn't notice, everyone will clearly see that you are calmer and able to think clearly.
For example, your daughter, Sita, was playing outside and fell. Your brother in law insists that Sita be taken to doctor or something terrible could happen. You're pretty sure your daughter isn't seriously injured and that you're a responsible parent, but the in-laws keep pushing, exaggerating all the dire consequences that could happen if you don't listen to her advice. Speak to her very calmly and say, “Thanks for worrying about Shinta's bruised knee, but I'm sure she'll be fine. He often gets minor injuries like this, but it's a consequence if he wants to play outside and he has to learn to deal with it. I don't think I need to go to the doctor." That's enough, no need to prolong the discussion. If your brother-in-law tries to continue the conversation, you can simply smile and change the subject. Don't want to talk about the same thing again
Method 3 of 5: You and Your Partner
Step 1. Talk about your feelings with your partner
Don't make fun of, insult or ridicule your brother-in-law. Instead, explain your discomfort whenever you are around him. Your partner has no right to blame your feelings. So, express yourself clearly and seriously. That way, your partner realizes that you know how your sister-in-law behaves, and decides that she doesn't want to be a victim of the drama she creates anymore.
For example, “Gina, yesterday your sister complained about the high school fees for her children. Frankly I felt short of breath because he kept talking and didn't know when to stop. We ourselves also have difficulty paying all kinds of installments. I'm kind of stressed hearing talk like that all night long. From now on, I don't want to be stuck in that kind of situation anymore. I'd say I'm sorry about the trouble he's in, but I don't want to talk about it all night. Please help me find another topic of conversation, which is not related to money. Perhaps not?"
Step 2. Ask your partner to think carefully about talking about family problems
Let your partner know that you don't mind hearing the latest news about their sister, but that you don't really like all the drama that comes with it. Help your partner understand the difference between what you consider "drama" and "regular news" and over time, you'll both learn to talk about family matters not in a dramatic way, but in a positive way.
- Remind your partner carefully each time your brother-in-law repeats a dramatic scene at home. You can even create a custom signal so you don't have to say it every time the situation occurs.
- Make no gossiping at home (or anywhere else). You should alert each other whenever the conversation leads to gossip and stop it. It doesn't matter if you are the topic of conversation; You are old enough not to get involved in such gossip.
Method 4 of 5: Resolving Calls and Texts from Brother-in-law
Step 1. Ignore questions that don't need to be answered
You don't need to respond to text messages that aren't directly related to family events, not positive messages or something normal. If you receive a text message containing his anger about what happened to him, his annoyance about something you did or gossip about family or friends, don't answer and just let him wonder.
If you're feeling angry and want to post a scathing comment, reprimand or justification, don't do it. Think of your anger or annoyance as a warning signal to shut up the matter. An angry text or message will only make both parties uncomfortable
Step 2. Keep communication with your brother-in-law on social media to a minimum if he upsets you
If your sister-in-law is a total sucker and a drama queen, maybe her social media content reflects her need to always be the center of attention. You can easily get caught up in the vents and drama he creates if you read what he writes on Facebook or Twitter.
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If he wants to be friends with you on social media, do one of the following.
- First, ignore the request. If he asks, say that you rarely (or at all) use social media to exchange important information; or
- Second, answer with "Thank you, but I'm not accepting new friends right now because I'm busy/personal reasons/too many requests, etc." You could also add something like “Besides, we see each other often and I'd rather we communicate face-to-face”; or
- Third, change all settings (settings) to private (private) so he can not see who your friends. Shut up or say that you don't use social media anymore or that you've limited your followers to a few people and don't want to add more at this time. If you lie and say you didn't accept his request, he'll just resend it, but you may have enough time to get him to forget the idea if you say you're going to “check it out” and try to make the “check” process take a while and don't bring it up again.; or
- Fourth, provide a more neutral alternative. Offer to make friends on Pinterest, where you focus on hobbies or cooking recipes. There is no place for anything fiery and evil.
- Try not to use the term "friend" when discussing why you declined his friend request. Unfortunately, the use of this term on social media encourages many people to add to their friends list. Many people only fall into the category of followers or fans, not friends. Your brother-in-law may feel belittled if you make him feel rejected as a “friend.”
- If he's already a follower of one or more of your social media accounts, consider blocking him or limiting private access to your page on some sites. Most likely you will need to explain what happened (with good reason); if she was a drama queen, she would notice and be offended.
Step 3. Be careful if you decide to go ahead and try to befriend her on social media and/or over the phone
If he or she is behaving in an insulting manner, it's a good idea to take notes to show your spouse or other family members if necessary. Save text messages, emails, or voice messages, and so on. Some drama queens like to "attack" when no one is watching, and think you wouldn't dare tell anyone else. For you, this isn't going to be fault-finding, but a way to protect yourself if the situation gets out of hand. However, this is a last resort, if you handle the aggression well in front of other people, they will know who is well-behaved and who is looking for trouble.
Method 5 of 5: Crafting a More Exciting Future
Step 1. Get on with your life together
You marry your partner, not the family. Even though his family members are part of the marriage, they should not be a part of your intimacy and not live the same life as you. If you publicly show that you're not bothered by jealousy, innuendo, rumors or gossip, your sister-in-law will realize that her intrigue, rudeness and viciousness won't hurt you as much as before. In the end, if he no longer has the advantage or pleasure to harass you, he's more likely to leave you alone even if he grumbles and looks for a new target.
- Minimize the time you spend with your in-laws. What was the situation that brought you to him? Even if you feel like you should try to tolerate him, find ways to spend less time with him. For example, ask other family members to meet you in their absence. But don't do it all the time, or he'll have legitimate reasons to complain about you. Instead, the time you spend with other family members does not always involve him. If you live far away from each other and only see each other once a year, you may choose to stay home so you can cool off.
- Go for a walk or get out of the house and don't extend your visit if you have to attend a family event that upsets you. Families know ways to provoke resentment better than anyone else and, unfortunately, some like to take advantage of them. At an event like this, brother-in-law may have allies he can work with so that the impact is more effective. So the less time you spend listening to their complaints, the better for you.
Step 2. Listen carefully
When your sister-in-law is around, try to listen and understand instead of letting your defensiveness take over. If her complaints are at their peak, instead of trying to belittle her by saying, “If you feel bad, try to be in my shoes,” focus on her and try to understand what prompted or caused her complaining, whining and gossip. If you don't focus on yourself, you might be really surprised by what you find. In response, make a neutral comment like, “I'm sorry you had to go through all that to pay for electricity. It must be difficult to have four kids with such a huge need for electricity every month.” Don't give advice, don't say how you're going to handle it or offer to pay or find a solution to the problem. That's the thing, you just listen and admit it.
Step 3. Show your compassion
If your brother-in-law repeatedly irritates you, even taking actions to influence or embarrass you, there's a good chance he will do it again even if you don't defend yourself. However, if you're up for it and understand the reasons behind the behavior (such as insecurity, loneliness, feelings of isolation, need for control, etc.), you can show compassion for the behavior and distance yourself from the drama. If you don't try to solve the problem, he will have to do it himself and no longer see you as an easy target.
