Being asked to help a friend or relative during a difficult time is a situation that many people find themselves in. Most of us are happy to help, at least for a short period of time. If you find yourself having overnight guests who turn out to be long-term roommates, it can be hard to get them out of the way without sparking drama.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Asking Someone to Leave
Step 1. Determine why you want him to leave
Your own thoughts should be clear before starting a conversation with him. Review any agreements you made when he moved into your house, or any promises made/broken. Assess his current situation and behavior, using facts as the basis for your thinking. While "I don't like living with him" is a perfectly acceptable excuse to ask someone to move, you need concrete details like, "He never washes the dishes," "He said he was moving out months ago," etc. before talking to him.
- Record the problem when it occurred, along with the date. You'll need a detailed and specific record of his behavior in case things get tough.
- The conversation will not be easy, and will likely damage your relationship with him. However, living together with differences or serious issues can also damage the friendship, so you should take a stand if he's been in your house for too long.
Tip:
If you've set the rules before they move into your house, this conversation probably won't be too difficult to carry out. It's a good idea to make a contract containing your expectations before allowing him to move into your home.
Step 2. Speak in a reasonable and respectful tone of voice
While you may feel violated, bored, or sick and tired, it's important not to let your emotions explode and make unreasonable requests. Explain your reasons for asking him to leave, and tell him you understand how difficult this situation is. Talk to him like you would a coworker, sticking to facts and not emotional outbursts.
- "We're delighted to have you here, but unfortunately this space needs our use and we have to ask you to leave in the next two weeks."
- Depending on why they're staying with you, you may need to collect social assistance information to help them get out of the house on time. If they are at risk of being homeless, try connecting them with social services. They may be able to stay in a social institution for a while.
- Stick to the reasons that have been prepared previously. If he's been causing trouble or breaking promises, remind him that he didn't keep the deal and needs to move to a new environment.
Step 3. Give a detailed and impersonal example if he asks why he needs to leave
Don't respond with "Because I hate you" or "Because you're lazy." Give real examples, and not insult him. This is the part that makes the list useful. If he's a constant source of trouble, record each incident and the date it occurred. When he asks "why," mention 2-3 specific times when he broke his promise or caused you trouble.
Focus on the reasons you asked him to leave, not all the flaws, whenever possible. "We need more space", "We can't make any more space for you here", etc
Step 4. Give him an exact date when he has to leave
Telling him that he has to leave that night may also create a high level of stress and tension, and your friend or relative may have nowhere else to go. Instead, pick a date he has to leave and let him know it's a tight deadline. In general, try to give him 1-2 weeks, or until the end of the month, to give him time to prepare for his next move.
- "I want you to really move out of here no later than April 20".
- If there's a clear reason why the date isn't a good time, you can talk to him to determine a better date. But don't shift more than 3-5 days.
Step 5. Seek other information or options as a goodwill
If you have the resources, gather some ideas to help with your guest transfer process. You can even bring the information with you to the discussion, telling him he has to go, but there are options available. He may reject your idea, but showing that you still care about the situation can ease his shock.
Step 6. Be firm, clear, and consistent about your decisions
Once you've decided to ask him to leave, stick to your attitude. These conversations can get messy, and emotions will explode no matter how prepared you are. But you need to hold your ground, and stick to your decision. If your housemate convinces you to change his mind, he'll realize that he can keep breaking rules and promises without ever changing. If things get so bad that you have to kick them out, you need to be prepared to actually kick them out.
Step 7. Understand that this can damage or destroy your relationship with him
Evicting a friend or relative can be stressful, and is likely to cause lingering feelings of hurt. But at the end of the day, you need to remember that leaving him in your house for too long can also damage the relationship. If you are constantly in conflict with him, your friends/relatives are taking advantage of you, or you are simply not a suitable housemate, the relationship will only break if you continue to live under the same roof. However, there are ways to try to keep your friendship going. You can:
- Help him find a new place to live or work.
- Avoiding insults, even in tense situations. If he's angry, stay calm and repeat what you've said about why it's important to you that he finds a new place to live. Don't start throwing insults.
- Set a time to meet up, ask him to come over for dinner, and continue to see each other as friends.
- If you get into a big fight with your friend, or there is a serious disagreement, perhaps the best solution is to completely cut ties with him.
Method 2 of 3: Evicting People Legally
Step 1. Send a formal letter asking him to leave in 3 days or less
While the guest of the house is not by nature a tenant of the residence, certain laws between the tenant and the landlord still apply to your relationship with him if he has lived with you for more than 30 days. Talk to a lawyer who will assist you in drafting and sending an eviction notice. Giving advance warning, in writing, is important to protect your liability.
- This alert will legally establish itself as a "voluntary tenant of residence". You need this status if you are going to take legal action, so don't miss it.
- Be careful writing this letter so as not to be misused by them to sue you. Read the regulations and write clearly your mutual agreement with them, especially if they don't pay rent.
Step 2. File a tenant's legal eviction order with your local court if he or she still hasn't left
If he pays for groceries or any bills, he can become a legally "voluntary tenant," which makes it much more difficult to legally kick him out. If he ignores the first written warning, you will need to file a formal eviction suit with the court in your area to expel him.
In general, your letter should specify where for him to receive his belongings in case he doesn't move, as well as the specific date on which his items will be removed from your home
Notes:
If you plan to file a court order, you'll need to prepare a list of issues and violations (known as "legal eviction grounds") as well as a copy of any leases and agreements.
Step 3. Do not change the house keys unless you are concerned about your safety
If you suddenly bar a voluntary tenant from entering your home, especially if their belongings are still inside, you could be the target of very costly civil lawsuits and legal action. Changing locks to block a guest from entering, if it causes trouble or separates him from his property, could even land you in jail for the wrong circumstances. What's more, this often heats up extremely tense situations and can lead to further problems.
Once you have obtained a court order, and/or have informed the police that you are concerned for your safety, the lock can be safely replaced
Step 4. Call the police if he still refuses to leave
Unless he is a legal resident, which is usually confirmed if he receives the letter or is listed in the lease agreement, he can be removed from your property as an "offender." Of course, police involvement is in the most extreme cases, and even mentioning 119 is often enough to throw someone out of the house. Some police officers will refuse to get involved in this kind of problem. However, if you have sent a letter and/or filed an eviction order with the court, they will come to transfer your guest as a violator.
Method 3 of 3: Setting Ground Rules for Home Guests
Step 1. Define rules and boundaries from the start
If you start to feel like someone is becoming more and more like a housemate and less like a visitor, set ground rules as soon as possible. This will give you a grip when you finally need to get rid of it-you can refer to the concrete rules outlined earlier instead of feeling emotional.
- Set your expectations in the first week. Does he need to pay rent? Should he look for work? Have clear standards for him to meet if he wants to stay in your house.
- A signed informal written contract is a great way to set the rules and what each of you expects. It is even better if this document is notarized by a notary.
Step 2. Set a time limit for guests to leave
Before formally asking him to leave, sit down with him and ask him when he plans to move. Leave the decision to him, which will make it easier for you to stick to a moving date when the time is near. If a timeline doesn't occur to him, you'll have to work it out together. Offer something concrete, like "when he gets the job," or "after 6 months."
If he needs a job, work together to define specific goals he needs to achieve-applying 1 job a day, rewriting resumes, etc. Make sure he's really trying to get a job and not just enjoying free housing
Tip:
If you're not sure whether he should move into your house or not, set a trial time. Tell him when moving into your house that he has 2-3 months, which after passing will need to be reviewed regarding his living needs.
Step 3. Record issues and problems as they arise
If your friend or relative breaks a rule, behaves rudely, or backs down on a promise to you, record the incident along with the date and time in a small notebook. Again, this will give you specifics to bring up when you talk to him about his need to leave, rather than vague generalities or emotional appeals.
Keep it as impersonal as possible. Asking him to leave doesn't have to break the friendship, especially if you're basing your reasons on facts rather than feelings
Step 4. Help her to get her life back in order
Some people will come out on their own with a bit of careful pushing. Read her resume and cover letter when she applies for jobs, visit open house invites with her, and encourage her to get out of the house and be independent. If you can help someone become independent, they can leave without causing conflict.
- Review goals and promises they make regularly by working together to achieve them.
- If you can help pay for his move, this might be what he needs to leave.
Tips
- Emotions should be controlled as much as possible. Your goal is not not to create contention but to smoothly discuss your request and how your guests should respect it.
- In most circumstances, you should try to have this discussion one-on-one. Being confronted by a crowd can make people feel attacked and cause their emotions to explode.
Warning
- Make sure you don't get angry. If you feel angry about certain events or circumstances, wait until your mind is clear to continue with any discussion.
- Make sure guests don't touch your valuables while discussing evictions.
Related article
- Asking Stubborn Family Members to Take Care of Theirselves
- Be patient
- Simplify Your Life
- Making a Life Plan
- Solving Family Problems
