In a perfect world, dad is a role model, loves us unconditionally, and always tries to make us happy. Unfortunately, real life is not that beautiful. Your father probably never showed affection, was drunk, or even spanked. To deal with a bad dad, find ways to minimize his influence on you, look out for your own kindness to restore emotional health, and seek help if dad is abusive.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Minimizing the Effect
Step 1. Realize that the problem is with him, not you
Do you blame yourself and think you're the reason he's always angry, drinks too much, ignores you, or is emotionally unstable? Many children think that their parents are bad because they are in the wrong. If you think so too, stop blaming yourself. Whatever your father or others say, you are not responsible for his behavior. Your father is an adult, who should be responsible for himself.
- If you have trouble letting go of guilt, talk about your feelings with another adult.
- Remember and reassure yourself that you are not at fault by repeating affirmations like these, “Dad is responsible for himself. It's not my fault that he behaves like that."
- Remember that dad's behavior has nothing to do with you. Her current behavior may be the result of the way she was raised, her own trauma, mental health, or other factors.
Step 2. Don't copy his bad habits
Maybe you're worried that sooner or later you'll copy your dad's bad habits. It's true that it's possible for children to imitate their parents' bad habits, such as poor relationships with others and how to deal with conflicts and addictions, but that's not always the case.
Step 3. Live life positively
This way, you can counteract its effects and avoid developing the same behavior in the future.
- To minimize the risk of addiction, take part in extracurricular activities at school. Participating in additional activities reduces your risk.
- Try to identify unhealthy behaviors so you can avoid them. Then, find other role models who exhibit the positive behavior you want.
- Similarly, if you are being neglected or abused, start consulting a counselor to resolve the issue. Outside help can minimize your risk of repeating the same pattern of behavior in your children.
Step 4. Find other role models
You can counteract bad father influence by forming positive relationships with other father figures who can be role models. For example, form healthy relationships with male leaders at school, work, or in the community. Their influence will counteract the negative effects of a bad father.
- Join a mentoring program for young people. You can also form relationships with teachers, coaches, community leaders, or religious counselors to find a father figure who can be a role model.
- When contacting them, say, “Sir, I really admire you. My father was never there for us. Do you want to be my mentor?”
- Also consider your friend's father. If a friend has a good dad, ask him if you can come along when he's out with his dad.
Step 5. Build a positive support group
You can eliminate the negative effects of a bad father with the help of supportive friends and family. While relationships with other people cannot replace fathers, they can provide protection from stress. Seek social support from good friends and family members.
Step 6. Keep your distance
If your dad is part of your everyday life, but his presence tends to make things uncomfortable, keep your distance. Protect yourself from psychological harm by reducing togetherness.
- If you only visit dad once in a while, ask mom if you can stop visiting her.
- If you and your dad live under the same roof, limit the amount of time you say goodbye to your room whenever possible.
Method 2 of 3: Restoring Emotional Health
Step 1. Know what's hurting you
Make a list of your current beliefs, and think about how each belief came to be. Then, try to identify the behavior that stems from that belief, and try to refute it.
For example, if your dad tells you over and over that you're not smart, you might believe him. This belief will affect grades in school. Counter this belief by enlisting the help of others to understand difficult lessons and by improving your grades, to prove to yourself that you are actually smart
Step 2. Write a letter, but don't submit it
Pouring your thoughts and feelings onto a piece of paper can be a great relief because your pent up emotions can be released. Address any unsettled feelings about your father through the mail.
- Write down everything you want to tell him in as much detail as possible. When you're done, read the letter as if you were delivering it in person. Then, burn or tear until nothing remains.
- This exercise is meant to help you recover quickly so you don't have to submit letters. However, if you want, go ahead.
Step 3. Start taking care of yourself
There are many negative effects of having a father absent physically or psychologically, such as poor personal relationships in the future and mental health problems. Counter this effect by paying attention and taking care of yourself.
Do whatever makes you feel better and cared for. Try watching a favorite movie or TV series, going for a walk in nature, or massaging all the tension in your shoulders
Step 4. Learn to identify strengths and weaknesses
Feelings of being unloved or neglected by your own father can make you hate and disrespect yourself. To overcome this emotional problem, try to emphasize your personal strengths. This can make you more confident even if you don't have the support of your own father.
- Make a list of all your strengths. If you have trouble, ask a close friend for help.
- Paste this list on the mirror so that it is always visible. Add content when you find new advantages.
- Write down any compliments you receive from other people, such as teachers or people you respect. Then, when you're feeling down and feeling low, look at that list of compliments to remember what other people think of you.
Step 5. Share your feelings with a friend you trust
The emotional pain of having a bad father can run deep, but it can be alleviated if you're willing to talk. Turn to a trusted friend to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with. Talking to other people can help with the recovery process.
You can say, “My relationship with my father is very bad. I want to tell a story to lighten this burden."
Step 6. Talk to someone who has a certain authority
In addition to telling your friends, you can also share what happened at home with other adults. Try talking to a relative, teacher, or school counselor.
- You could say, “The situation at my house is bad. My father's drinking habit is getting worse and I don't know what to do."
- Be aware that a person with a certain level of authority may have to report your father's behavior to the police or a child protection foundation. If you don't want your dad to get into trouble, it might be a good idea to avoid specific details when talking to them, or talk to the parents of an adult friend or relative.
Method 3 of 3: Enduring Torture
Step 1. Don't argue with your abusive dad
If he gets angry or hits you, don't argue or try to talk to him. The best way to deal with such a situation is to remain silent and only speak when asked. Denying or trying to explain your perspective will only make him angrier and torment you even more.
Step 2. Find a safe place
If you live with a dad who beats a lot, think of a place to run to when he throws a tantrum. By staying away, you may be able to protect yourself from verbal and physical attacks. If you have a sister, bring her along too.
Maybe you can go to a friend's or neighbour's house, or a nearby park
Step 3. Tell someone about the ordeal
To stop this beating and torment, you have to talk. You may be afraid that your dad will get even more angry if you tell him, but if you don't say anything, you won't be able to get the help you need.
- Talk to an adult you trust, such as a teacher, coach, or school counselor, and share what happened at home. Most people whose work involves children in an official capacity are required to report problems. This means they may have to report to social services, child protection foundations, or the police if they suspect or hear of domestic violence. If they don't report it, they will get in trouble.
- You can report to the Friends of Women and Children (SAPA) call center at number 129, or Whatsapp at 08111129129.
- You can also report to the Indonesian Child Protection Commission at (021) 31901556, WhatsApp at 08111772273, or fill out the complaint form.
Step 4. Call the police if you are in danger
If your father threatens to harm you or anyone else in the family, don't hesitate to tell the police. Never assume dad will calm down or just threaten. If you are in a life-threatening situation, call the police or emergency services number immediately.
Step 5. See a therapist
Therapy can help relieve the emotional pain you are feeling. Therapy is a safe way and place to explore and work on the pent-up feelings that are affecting your ability to grow and develop as you should.
- If you are a child, ask your mother or guardian if you can talk to a therapist. You can also ask the school counselor if there is anyone you can talk to at school.
- If you're an adult, ask your doctor for referrals to a mental health professional.
