There are various reasons why biological fathers are not present in a child's life. Sometimes the breakup between the two parents causes the father to lose contact with his child. In other cases, the relationship between the biological father and his child may be severed due to formal adoption. Maybe you now want to contact your biological father or vice versa. Preparing for the meeting can ensure the best long-term outcome.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Finding the Real Father
Step 1. Find a real father
If you want to start a relationship, but don't know how to find a dad, you'll have to do some research. Realize that this search may take a long time and may not lead to a real encounter with the real father.
Step 2. Research the relevant state or local state or provincial laws
If you are adopted, do some research on the laws regarding adoption history. For example, you might be able to access your original birth certificate to find out your real father's name.
Step 3. Find an adoption or family reunion registry office
Such registry offices allow parents and adopted children who want to be in a relationship to upload their information. A registry office like this can facilitate you to contact your biological father.
However, be careful if you broaden your search through social media in general. Make sure you keep your social media account privacy settings so you can control how much information you can give out if you meet your biological father
Step 4. Talk to relatives to gather information regarding the birth father
For example, finding out where he works, or the names and addresses of his parents might be the first step in finding up-to-date information about his biological father.
Step 5. Hire a professional or volunteer seeker
If you choose to hire a professional seeker, make sure the person actually has certification from the relevant regulatory body. Volunteer searchers offer a more limited range of services, but may be helpful in obtaining valuable information.
Part 2 of 4: Deciding to Meet Your Real Daddy
Step 1. Decide if you want to see your real father
The decision to seek a biological father's contact can be motivated by various things, from wanting to know the family's medical history to wanting to have a relationship.
If the father initiated the relationship, remember that the decision rests with you, not in the hands of the father or other relatives and friends. You can choose to keep their contact information for as long as you want to prepare for the meeting
Step 2. Prepare yourself emotionally
You may want to read about the experiences of others who have reunited with birth fathers they didn't know or weren't present in their lives growing up. Support groups for people who are adopted may also be helpful. You can also talk to friends or relatives about your decision, although you should be aware that they may have their own opinion regarding the process.
- Realize that your biological father may not want to see you, at least as soon as you contact him. Before you start contacting him, think about what it would be like if he refused to be in a relationship. Make plans to contact specific people, such as a support friend or social service, if this happens.
- The biological father may react with surprise, fear, joy, or, more likely, a mixture of all emotions. Parents usually have significant guilt or even trauma regarding their child that they have never met. Realize that your biological father's reaction will change. Make sure you can share your feelings about the reaction with someone you trust.
Step 3. Think about your expectations from meeting your biological father
Avoid dreaming of your ideal father. What kind of biological father do you expect? What would you do if your biological father turned out to be very different from your expectations?
It's healthier to focus on getting answers to basic questions or filling in information gaps about yourself than dreaming of finding the perfect dad
Part 3 of 4: Meeting your biological father for the first time
Step 1. Don't tell too much too soon
For example, in the early stages of communication, you should not immediately give your full name or details of where you live and work. Even though your real father, right now he is also a stranger. He may also be reluctant to share his personal details with you.
- Try not to get into an intense emotional connection right away. Slow starts have been shown to create more stable relationships and are better for the long term.
- You can choose to start by exchanging emails, messages, or letters before the meeting. This is a slower and more scalable method of getting to know your real father.
Step 2. Arrange a meeting with the birth father
Two hours is sufficient time for an initial meeting. Choose a neutral and quiet location such as a park bench or a relaxing cafe in the morning, where you can easily talk and express your feelings.
You can decide whether you want to meet your biological father alone or with someone else. Some states and states offer brokerage services so that you will be accompanied by a social service agent to broker your first meeting
Step 3. Ask questions
This meeting is an opportunity for you to ask questions about your biological father's life or your identity. You may want to plan what questions you want to ask about your biological father's life or your paternal family.
- For example, you might say, “I think I'm the only one in my family who likes math. Do you like math too? Does it look like dad's family?"
- Be sure to ask health-related questions that are important to you. This is a good opportunity to find out if you have any genetic risks, such as heart disease, diabetes, or cancer.
- Realize your similarities. It's natural to spend some time at the first meeting to realize the physical similarities between you and your dad.
Step 4. Don't make big plans for the future
The initial meeting is likely to be very emotional. You may be surprised at how you feel and he will too. You two need some time to reflect on the meeting and think carefully about what you want to do next.
If your real dad wants to plan for the future, you can suggest something small, but concrete. For example, you can set a time to have coffee or hang out again a few weeks later
Step 5. Create a support system for yourself
Make sure the people who love you know that you want to see your real dad. Plan what you want to do immediately after the meeting and throughout the day. For example, you might be planning to call a friend and have dinner together. Don't plan on going straight back to work or school. If you are seeing a therapist or counselor, or working with social services, arrange a meeting or phone call to share your experience.
Part 4 of 4: Making Long Term Plans
Step 1. Don't let a disappointing first meeting define the relationship
If your first meeting was disappointing, staying in touch may still be of benefit to you. Keep trying to get to know each other. Everyone's reunion experience is different, and sometimes it's challenging for both parties.
Step 2. Realize that there may be a honeymoon phase
A good first meeting can spark euphoria and an intense, lightning-fast relationship. This relationship would not last, at least at this level of intensity. You or your biological father may have to step back and reassess the relationship as you begin to understand the reality of who each other is. Be prepared to take a break for a while to deal with confusion and turmoil, and adjust the relationship. This is a normal part of the reunion process.
Step 3. Set boundaries regarding each other's life
Starting with minimal expectations can help both of you to build a stronger and stronger relationship. You may have to be the first to set those boundaries because parents often have greater expectations of reunions than children.
- For example, if you already have children, you might want to wait until you get to know the father better before introducing him to your child.
- Make it clear what kind of communication you want and don't want. Maybe you want your real dad to call before you drop by, even if you happen to live close by. Or maybe you prefer a scheduled phone call to a more casual relationship, where your real dad can call or text at any time.
Step 4. Let time nurture the relationship
Any relationship takes time and space to develop and become more intimate. If you and your biological father both want to keep in touch, find ways to spend time together. For example, you could schedule lunch or a phone call once a month, or watch a sporting event or music event together once in a while.
Step 5. Accept that the relationship may not be getting any closer or lasting
While reconnecting is often a huge advantage, some people find that they don't want a lasting relationship with their biological father. Maybe your values and lifestyle are too different or maybe your biological father is not able to maintain a healthy relationship with you.
Step 6. Don't neglect your family as a child
Continue to maintain the family relationship you already have. The people who raised you will be delighted if you show them that even though you've met your real father, you still appreciate the unique place they occupy in your life.
